"Unmanned" phone calls from D7

[Ulysses]

Our parenting plan allows each of us to call the children 2x/day when they're with the other parent.  So far I only ask for 1x/day.

ExNPD/BPDh can call or text whenever he wants.  I don't place restrictions on the children, except I tell them during a meal isn't a good time, or if we're doing a family activity together.  exH doesn't ever call them.

Kids used to call me, then last Feb when S - then 11 - called me once, I heard him yelling at his dad, "It's just for like 5 minutes, alright?"  He didn't know I'd already answered.  I recently was able to bring this up in S - now 12 - therapy.  D7 therapist knows about exH denying us contact, and has helped me craft loving texts to D7 when we can't speak.

L involved yet?  No.  I'm still keeping track when I can't speak with them to establish a pattern.  L is expensive and I don't have a lot of hope anything much will change.  I feel like when I speak up for my rights under the parenting plan, I get painted black by exH and I'm still working on not letting it crush me emotionally.

The last two nights, and last week also on Wed and Thur, exH didn't let me talk to the children.  I've tried to coordinate in the past - e.g. what is good time to call?  He refuses to answer.  I emailed him last week and this week that because of work, I only have until about 6:45pm to call.  No answer when I called.  S12 called me back and I spoke to him briefly, which was ok.  I had a gig, and afterward I noticed there were 2 voicemails from D7 phone.  I listened and each was almost 3 minutes long.  She never said anything.  I could hear exH voice in the background, and I assume his latest female accomplice, and a little bit of what sounded like my D7 yelling briefly.  Nothing sounded dangerous, but there wasn't enough clarity for me to understand.

Something like this happened earlier in the fall, after D7 called me upset and crying.  Later she called me when she was falling asleep, I think.

Usually her phone is in her backpack.

Has anyone had experience with something similar?  Is my D7 trying to call and isn't allowed?  Do exH and his wife take the phone away from D7?  I wonder if there are people who can tell me if there is a program that allows me to hear what they were saying.  But then I think that's going way too far.  I don't want to eavesdrop, obviously, but if my D7 is calling, is it because she's scared?  Worried?  I asked her about the time earlier this fall and she seemed to be uncomfortable about it, so I'm not sure I want to ask at this point.

This is just really weird that it happens.

[Turkish]

It sounds like D7 wants to reach out to you but is scared of the reaction there. Can you record it next time? Have you thought about being more direct with their dad, as in saying, "you are in violation of the court order by denying contact."

[Ulysses]

I have tried, although not in such a direct statement.  His responses have been he's busy, he can't schedule his stuff around mine.  I have sent many emails asking what time is good for him, and then his response is that his schedule changes, he doesnt know.  When I reminded him what the parenting plan says, he then refused to respond anymore to my requests to speak with the children.  He told me to work it out directly with the children.   At that time D was 6.  I had already tried that, and when I had said to him earlier, gee, D6 told me to call her at Xtime, and now I can't get through to her, his answer was, well, she's only 6.  She doesn't set the schedule here.  If I text him that I'm trying to reach the kids, he threatens to block my number.

So basically his answers seem to be different, depending on what's convenient to him.  I'm afraid that I have no leg to stand on, and he twist things until he's a victim who is being asked to do the impossible, and that I'm unreasonable. 

And, I'm concerned that when I speak up he doubles down in stubborn determination, and things get difficult for the children.

[Ulysses]

My D7 mentioned to me that she called me a couple of times last week.  I told her I'm always happy to have her call, and I couldn't answer because I was in a rehearsal, but I would try next time to keep my phone with me and take her call.  When I brought up how she could always leave a message too, she shrugged her shoulders and looked at the ground.  So I hugged her.  I don't know what to do.

Today is the third week in a row I can't get through to her. 

Tuesday I didn't work and she decided she was too tired to go to school.  Her brother was home sick, and I'd had a sore throat for a few days, so I figured she had something too.  She slept a little extra and then wanted to spend the day with me.  We had a nice time together.

I miss her and am worried about how it affects her to not be able to contact me, or take my calls.  It's like exH is teaching the children how to ghost me.  S12 is taking to it just fine, and has been meaner and meaner to me over the last few months.  D7 isn't that way, at least not yet.

[bravhart1]

Does she take her phone to school?

Could you set it up that she goes to the office at lunch to call or right after school? Something that takes dads activities out of the mix so it's a set time for you both. Then you could set an alarm to always be freed up for that five minutes etc.

[Ulysses]

I might be able to work with the school counselor, but I would like to avoid interrupting her school day.  I would feel that I'm taking her away from her friends and social life at school, which is very important for her to develop.  The school also has a policy that parents not text and call their students during the day (yes, they have middle school students whose parents are in frequent contact with their children during the school day).  The school says they are trying to help the children mature and develop independence, and there are quite a few parents who would probably qualify as helicopter parents.   

I have thought about calling her when she is at aftercare until 6pm.  I can't guarantee her dad will let her pack her phone.  I think he takes it away from her sometimes.  I saw her today to take her to therapy.  She was affectionate and happy to see me, so that makes me breathe a sigh of relief.  She had a red mark on her head, her hair was a mess, and she was hungry, but, overall she was ok.

[Turkish]

I might be able to work with the school counselor, but I would like to avoid interrupting her school day.  I would feel that I'm taking her away from her friends and social life at school, which is very important for her to develop.  The school also has a policy that parents not text and call their students during the day (yes, they have middle school students whose parents are in frequent contact with their children during the school day).  The school says they are trying to help the children mature and develop independence, and there are quite a few parents who would probably qualify as helicopter parents.   

My buddy's 2nd cousin is a college student at UC Davis. He's a little bit of a momma's boy, but he says he has several classmates who go home to have their moms clip their toenails. No joke. So kudos to the school for enforcing a boundary, even if it may be an inconvenience.

It's good that she was ok. Did you ask about the red mark?

[Ulysses]

Yes, I agree that children need time to develop their relationships with their peers, and not have their parent hovering.  I think the parents I know all want the best for their children, and when you raise one with special needs, who did in fact need you more than other children when they were younger, it is a transition for the parent, for sure, to let go.  I have faith that my kids' school will be supportive if I need to ask to speak with my D7 during the school day, and I hope I don't feel the need to resort to that. 

D7 called me this morning around 7am, right when she woke up. 

I did ask her about the red mark, and as usual, she said she doesn't know what it is or how she got it.  Last week she had a scratch on the bridge of her nose.  Probably normal kid stuff.  Last week I was more concerned with the raw, almost scabby patch of skin next to her lip, that of course she said hurt her.  A few days of Vaseline and it was gone.  She is prone to skin problems, especially on her hands and around her lips in the winter.  Not quite eczema, but almost.  More neglect when she's with her dad.  I hope that showing her how to take care of herself, and that I want to help her with these things, helps.