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J James

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« on: December 22, 2015, 12:05:04 AM »

Hello, I am new to this site and message boards in general.(please excuse my ignorance) I just have to say how overwhelmed I am reading some of these posts, some of them sound as if I typed them myself!

Our journey started approximately 2yrs ago and is literally tearing my family/25 yr marriage apart. My DD is a week away from turning 15.

Eventually I would love to share my journey for the last two years but right now I just need to get this off my chest because it is my current struggle.

My DD can never keep any kind of relationship going for very long because she eventually wears everyone out to the point where they need to get away from her.

She was raised in a loving home her entire life. Two dedicated parents, home schooled by my wife, supportive grandparents, etc. She has always had the need for attention be it negative or positive since she was a toddler. She has had multiple negative relationships with guys since we first noticed that something was going on with her. She literally bounces from one guy to the next claiming she is in love. I am aware that teenage girls can seek out relationships because of failed Father/DD relationships but that is not the case here. It is very tough to sit back and watch as a Dad. She finally found a kid that would put up with her unpredictability and they have been an item for 5 mo. This 5 mo has just about done in my marriage. The kid has problems himself (drinking/smoking/drugs/depression/broken home and they have had sex) and i do not feel that it has been a healthy relationship although he helps sooth her at times. My wife has been enabling because it is taking some of the pressure off of her. (she suffers from chronic RA and depression) What has happened is he has turned into her main coping mechanism and I have turned into the Devil because i am not supportive. DD recently started telling her friends that she thinks I sexually abused her as a child! I'm at a loss... Both my DD and wife become angry with me when i try to set boundaries. DD has complete meltdowns and threatens suicide if my wife does not pick him up and bring him to our house. Sometimes in the middle of the night. This relationship finally ended last weekend... as I knew it would eventually. I was relieved and hoping we could nurse her back to other coping mechanisms. We are now obsessed with a new guy just three days later and i see the same pattern developing quickly. I can not keep doing this. This behavior is putting a wall between me and both my DD and wife. DD therapist tries to give her additional coping skills but she claims they do not work. i am open to any suggestions! Thanks!

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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2015, 09:01:45 AM »

Welcome, I am so glad you found this site and there are so many people who are walking the same rocky path you are.  My daughter is 27 and we have been dealing with the issues of BPD since she was a teenager.  Like your daughter, my husband and I provided a loving home, supportive relationships of parents, siblings, grandparents etc.  She always had food, clothing, activities were encouraged and paid for and on and on.  We have tried many things, and struggled through the years, but finally when I found this site, my husband and I found what we needed.  The first and best advise I can give you is to take care of yourself first.  It seemed selfish to me when I was told this, but when I worked on myself and started using the tools and lessons on the right hand side of the page did I begin to see a difference.  My husband and I worked together to get on the "same page" and even when things go wrong with our daughter because we communicate better with each other and work together so that our daughter can't split us we at least feel some peace and control of our lives, even if the consequences she faces are pretty dire.  Anyway, I look forward to hearing your story.  You are not alone! 
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« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2015, 09:52:16 AM »

Hi J James,

Firsrt of all I would like to say... .please, please,please get your dd on some from of birth control if she is not on it already.

My dd is 21yo already has 2 children who she barely takes care of. In my dds case she really is a child looking after children.

Reading your story I would agree with madmom that you and your wife need to be coming from the same place when it comes to boundaries as your dd will find the smallest chink and exploit it. Picking her boyfriend up in the middle of the night is not appropriate as you know and it is disruptive on the household and to any other children in your home if you have them. You and your wife need to be working together and not just do things in order to keep the peace with your dd and  your dd has to learn that making these threats when she wants something just wont work in the outside world. You mention a T. Is this T also you working with you as a couple or is she just for your dd?

I think it is good however that your dd is still communication with you when it comes to these boys. Maybe you can build on the communication with your dd while she is still keeping her behaviours above board. My own dd lives her life in almost complete secrecy especially around relationships. She has never once even confessed to having a boyfriend. They have all been referred to as being "a friend" and any r/s denied or shrouded in secrecy and of course according to her she never slept with any of them... .yet she has 2 children!

Iam sorry your dd is now saying that you may have abused her. :'(

My dd has accused me of abuse too a few times and I think this comes from "splitting" when pwBPD see one person as bad and another as good. Your dd may be splitting you black because you are not wavering on your boundaries, and your wife may be idealised right now becase she is  the one giving into your dd's emotional needs. Your dd is still young and I see hope for your r/s. Is there anything other than boys that she is interested in? Somehow if the focus can be shifted even if it is just slightly, so she doesnt spend all her time with the newbf it may help. I know you say she has been homeschoolded. but does she have any other friends who she can spend time with or any other interests? Before my dd truly went down the BPD road she was really into sports and I remember reading something somewhere saying how a lot of  young female athletes and those in teams were more focused on their sport and winning than relationships with boys. I hoped that it would work for my dd and It did for a (short) while.

I Hope some of this helps
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J James

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« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2015, 11:02:38 PM »

Thanks so much madmom and js friend!

It helps tremendously to know that you're not alone in this journey. I have been feeling so alone in dealing with this situation lately that I just didn't know where to turn anymore.

It is extremely hard talking to outsiders about BPD behavior, most look at you like you're crazy... .and DD seems to be able to turn things on and off for certain people. She seems to mainly direct her rage and misbehavior towards immediate family, especially ones who are trying to set boundaries. (me) I guess that is par for the course.

Yes, I am aware that having both parents on the same page is crucial but that is the other side of what I am currently dealing with. DD is definitely "splitting" and I am most definitely on the"black" list. I also agree with making your own health a priority. How can we care for others at full capacity if we are struggling ourselves? I feel that i am pretty sound mentally but this is really starting to get to me. You have to be a strong person to be able to live this way. This is part two part of my situation... .My DW has RA and depression and she is taking the easy way out because the stress of standing your ground is too much for her. She is home all day with DD while i am at work. There is no other option for this, at this time. I have my hands full. We are seriously considering some sort of residential treatment but I am not sure what we can afford. We are currently investigating the possibilities.

Yes, DD is currently getting Depo-Provera shots for BC. We told her that it is a hormonal injection to lessen PMS. (i think that is a side benefit of it)

Yes, thankfully she is pretty open about her boy relationships with DW but the rest we found out through social media/friends. I can't stress enough to other parents that you need to be vigilant with monitoring your children on social media. For us, a good bit of situations have been headed off by catching things early on social media. DD is not allowed to have any of it without us having full access to it at all times. Usually, it is the "friends" that mess up by posting things she doesn't want us to see. I'll get off that soapbox now.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

We have tried several activities to divert her attention to something else.

She has lost ALL motivation and interests in anything that she used to enjoy. i guess it is a lot easier to hang out with people who have low expectations... .It makes you not look so bad. It's so sad to watch what her priorities/interests are now compared to what they used to be a couple years ago. :'(

I don't feel a whole lot better about things but at least I am not feeling so alone!

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« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2015, 11:34:32 AM »

For what it's worth, you are doing the right things.  I've been through all of this and then some with my daughter, now 19 years old. 

If you can swing it, a good RTC that is a fit for your daughter will help, it did for us.  Your d needs to learn about personal boundaries and priorities so that she doesn't continually overinvest (too much too soon) in relationships.  It's a struggle for all teens and especially our kids with traits of BPD.

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« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2015, 10:36:16 PM »

I could have written your post myself.  Some details a little different. We know what the trauma is that seemingly triggered BPD in my daughter. IT sucks any which way.  Some of it is not to be understood -- such as how could this happen. 

We took a class called Family Connections that started getting my husband and I on the same page. He had a  really hard time setting boundaries and expectations, almost to the point of enabling her behaviors.  It has been a slow transformation over the past 3-4 years, but we are pretty much at the same point now. I am still always the bad one... .since I am not afraid to challenge her on her lies, behaviors, etc.  He still ignores a lot -- as he deals with his own anxiety. However, we are much more aligned, and she knows that now.

It hasn't stopped our problems at home, but helped at least keep us together. 
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« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2015, 11:21:19 PM »

You must confront your daughter with her lie about sexual abuse. Her lie could send you to jail.   Do it now. Immediately tell your daughter that there are very severe consequences that will happen for lying about sexual abuse to get attention.  The consequences of lying about sexual abuse could cause her to be permanently removed from her home.  She could be placed into a dirty foster care home, forced to live in another city, and required to attend a dangerous public school.    Make certain she understands that if you go to jail because she lied to get attention, she will experience severe financial hardship.  Explain the hardship in terms she will understand and fear because the urge for a BPD to lie to get attention is INTENSE.  

People with BPD are terrified of abandonment.  Sending your daughter into residential care will make her feel abandoned.  She will enter the facility, meet really horrid teens, and become best friends with them.  If you must move her out of your home to preserve your sanity, try to place her with mentally healthy people.

Your daughter needs to be in weekly therapy with a therapist who is older and has success with BPD patients. Insist that you must sit in on many sessions because BPD patients lie and lie and lie.  Your daughter can't be helped in therapy if she and the therapist are "working" on lies.

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J James

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« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2015, 01:13:16 AM »

DD was confronted immediately by me after we found out what she was telling people. She stuck to her story face to face with me (part of her splitting/anger towards me) so we had her go stay at a grandparents home until things cooled down. We explained ALL of the potential consequences of the accusations. She was ready to come back home after a couple of days but I said that i wasn't ready for her to come back yet. I offered to take her directly to the police if she would like to discuss the matter with authorities and that is when she started backing off. DD now says she has no recollection and that it was just a "feeling" she had. She is even backing off of that statement now. The lying and manipulation is hard to take but unfortunately its our "new" normal. I never dreamed that I would be having these conversations about anyone let alone my DD.  :'(  Unfortunately, after the last two years we have had with DD, I'm not easily shocked. We are still searching for that combination that works for all of us as far as meds/therapy. As I am sure many others have experienced, we have already been through several therapists and several med combinations to date. Some therapists refuse to even put a label on teens with mood disorders. The only change I have seen since we started treatment is the intensity of the rage/meltdowns has been toned down (probably meds). The frequency and BPD behaviors are all still there.
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« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2015, 10:58:41 AM »

Hello and welcome. You are most definitely not alone! If nothing else, this forum allows us all to breathe a sigh of relief at finding others who are dealing with these same issues.

In my opinion, before any change is going to happen, you and your wife absolutely need to be on the same page (or at least be willing to back each other up in front of your daughter and discuss disagreements WELL out of her earshot!).

There are two books which I highly recommend to you and to any parent on this forum, as both helped me survive the teen years with both of my girls, who luckily made it to adulthood (things were touch and go a few times during those teen years!). The first book is:  Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love by Scott Sells. I can't tell you how much this helped our lives during those turbulent years! Please consider reading this book with your wife and see if you can find some common ground through its advice.

The other book I highly recommend is Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay.

The reason I recommend these books is that they both provide a way to parent in a VERY loving way that still allows you to remain detached from the drama in a healthy way. As you know, parenting a child with BPD means that there is drama all day every day and it's so difficult to keep out of the fray. And yet, for any progress to be made on your end, you must find a way not to engage in the drama. These books helped me find a way. Then I could love my child and just hate her bad choices; I could separate the child from the behavior, if that makes sense.

Feel free to read my story which I posted yesterday under the heading: Two Daughters with BPD.  I practically wrote a novel, so be prepared!

Another term which I use is "gaslighting". The definition of this is to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Oh my goodness did my daughters try to gaslight me until I didn't know what end was up! I used to stay up all night wondering if I was going insane because why were my girls having so many issues? Was it me? Was I the worst parent on the planet? I knew I was a good parent. I loved my girls, read to them, spent time with them, tucked them in and kissed them goodnight, praised them, supported them through thick and thin, and yet... .and yet... .why wasn't anything going right? Why did my house look like the set from Jerry Springer each day?  The word my girls used so often was "crazy".  They'd tell everyone who would listen: "My mom is crazy! She kicks us out of the house! She gets mad for no reason!"  Naturally, the truth was I never once kicked them out and I was getting mad because they were running away, having sex at the age of 14 (!), doing drugs, etc. So then my extended family believed the lies and  were convinced that I must be doing something horrible to my girls to make them behave in such ways! And let me tell you, you have people questioning your parenting skills enough and you start to wonder if maybe you are a horrible parent.  The best day of my life was having a counselor list off the personality traits of people who have BPD and strongly suggesting that my daughter had this illness.

At any rate, I didn't mean to go off on a rant about myself. Sorry about that! I meant to just give you some of my own examples so you didn't feel so alone. Keep in touch with us and let us know how things are going.

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« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2015, 09:19:55 AM »

People with BPD are terrified of abandonment.  Sending your daughter into residential care will make her feel abandoned.  She will enter the facility, meet really horrid teens, and become best friends with them.  If you must move her out of your home to preserve your sanity, try to place her with mentally healthy people.

It is very important to choose a facility with heavy family involvement and an accountability program that reinforces family values.  RTC is not to be a place to "dump" our kids to be "fixed", it needs to be a place for learning and healing for our kids and our family.  Not all facilities are appropriate for a teen/child with a severe mental illness.  Do your homework and choose wisely.  RTC was a gift of healing for my family, make sure it is a gift for yours.

lbj
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« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2015, 09:47:01 AM »

Hi J James,

Welcome  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I wanted to recommend another important book, BPD in Adolescents by Blaise Aguirre. He's one of the national's leading experts on BPD in teens.

You have the double challenge of having a child with BPD, and a wife with depression. I wonder if your wife might read Aguirre's book with you? That might (literally) help you both get on the same page. One of the things I like about Aguirre is that he seems to have genuine empathy for people with BPD, and that comes through in the book. He also has a lot of clinical research experience treating BPD adolescents and can help you cut through the noise and learn what the state of the field for treatment is like.

I can imagine that your wife's depression is tough for your D -- adult depression can feel invalidating to a child because emotions are dulled in the parent, and a sensitive child will yearn for greater emotional contact that isn't there. Your daughter might be getting a big hit every time her mom panics or gives in to her demands, and this will only become more emotionally taxing over time. Negative attention is better than no attention. Would your wife agree to go to couples counseling with you to learn skills to help her understand what's going on in her relationship with D?

Another important skill is validation. I have read these articles so many times I've almost memorized them  Smiling (click to insert in post)





Is your daughter diagnosed? [/list]
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J James

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« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2015, 01:55:54 AM »

Thanks for all the helpful info! That is why i am here.

It is tough on the entire family and I know i have some work to do on myself to get in a better place. I am the rock of the family and i feel a huge responsibility to keep everyone focused on the healing process... .i don't feel so successful at the present time. It is even harder to communicate when you are viewed as the "bad" guy. Validation is one area that I need to work on.

Yes, we are going to be very selective with RTC. DD has already had two stints being hospitalized for suicide threats. Although we felt like it was our only option at the time, I feel that it caused even further damage. Separation/trust/resentment... .I even think there might be some PTSD from the experience.

I tried to get the entire family into family therapy but DD and DW wanted nothing to do with it. I invited DW to couple counseling but she believes that i am the one who needs help... .not her.   I DO need/want help and i am doing everything i can to pursue it.

Daughter has not been "officially" diagnosed with BPD yet. We have been being treated from everything from: depression, bipolar, ODD and mention of possible PTSD.

My therapist (part of an EAP program to deal with life's challenges) has experience with BPD and is convinced DD has BPD based on our conversations. DD's therapist mentioned BPD on her own at our last session. I have been reading about it every since and I am convinced. (she is textbook) I could have written a good deal of the posts on this site word for word. Nevertheless i will leave the final diagnosis up to the Dr's. We are scheduled to follow up next week.



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« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2015, 02:57:07 AM »

Thank you for this thread. I have a 15 year old and I was 15 myself at one time. Smiling (click to insert in post) I really learned a lot by reading it.
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« Reply #13 on: December 31, 2015, 08:31:17 AM »

J James- WELCOME to the parenting board. Glad you found us.

The members who have commented have great advice for you. I wanted to make a few personal comments, based on my experiences as a Mom to both a nonDD and my dxBPDSD (step-daughter).

My nonDD had a lot of boyfriends when she was your daughter's age and even a bit younger. She went through boys rather quickly- she would announce a new boyfriend and very, very quickly would dismiss them. If a boy disrespected her- he was toast. If he forgot to call her, he was replaced. Since adolescent boys are not the most stable, she ended up having, I would say, probably 15- 20 boyfriends in middle school and in high school. She was not intimate with these boys outside of kissing. She could, however, maintain personal relationships otherwise and in general. She had a lot of friends that she had been friends with for many years- in fact she is still friends with some of those people now (she is 30). She had a steady boyfriend several times after about tenth grade- one boy she was with for over two years from high school into college. Today she has been in a relationship with the same man for six years now- all of that early stuff was just the life of a teenager and nothing problematic.

I also want to add that my nonDD was able to function in her life without a boyfriend- she was boy crazy but she did have her own interests and activities and she also often went to do things with her girlfriends- in fact if a boy didn't like that it was grounds for dismissal.

My BPDSD has yet to be involved in an intimate relationship. She is doing very well in her life except for the realm of personal relationships. She has no clue that her "in your face" attitude is off putting to the sort of young men she is interested in. She tends to like guys who end up going for very feminine types and she is, well... .NOT. She curses like a sailor and she takes very little care with her personal appearance. She berates "girly girls" but over and over I see her infatuated with guys who seem to be interested only in those girly girls.

She has had guys who are interested in her- these guys are more sensitive and thoughtful than the guys she is attracted to. One guy who liked her we got to know because he tagged along with her for awhile- we could see he was really head over heals for her but she was not interested at all and she was pretty mean to him. He is, from our outside observance, the kind of guy who would be perfect for her- the type of guy who would help to keep her stable and steady. He was sensitive and sweet and creative and talented. She is typically interested in the basic stereotypical FRAT type of guy and she goes for guys who are way too young for her.

AT 15 I don't find it unusual that your DD goes through boys quickly but it seems like you are also noticing that she cannot maintain relationships- what goes on with her girlfriends- does she maintain that sort of relationship?

Glad you have your DD on birth control. Still a lot to worry about- kids these days do a lot of risky things even if they aren't having intercourse.

The boyfriend you describe doesn't sound suitable but there is likely very little you can do, once your DD has decided that she is "in love", to dissuade her from a poor choice in who she dates. You can however, talk to her about what you see and your concerns. If a boy doesn't treat her as well as you think she deserves, let her know! I think it is important to do what you can to help her improve her self-esteem. Validation is so very important and I'm sure you will do as you say and work to improve your validation skills.

My husband has a sort of negative way of dealing with SD (his bio-daughter) and it has very much fed into her low self-esteem. She has done a lot of work to help herself and she is able to take his negativity with a grain of salt now (at least from what I can see... .she sees this as a quirk of his and we smile at each other when he is committing his faux-pas as regards her.) But I do think if he had been able to be more validating with her when she was younger she would have better self-esteem now.

To give an example, if SD is complaining about not having a boyfriend, my husband will sometimes ask her if she ever does her hair- she has quite a mop of thick, curly hair and she rarely does anything with it- she even goes a bit too long between shampoos. It is a valid thing for him to have concern about but his approach sucks! It is more beneficial for my SD to hear that she has beautiful hair and to hear compliments (when freshly shampooed, WOW your hair smells amazing!)  when she does spend some time with it and also to get the message that a man should love her exactly the way she is and that there is someone out there for her. She also needs to hear that if she is unhappy with something about herself that she has the tools to make the changes.

It is vitally important that you and your wife get on the same page. If your DD sees that your attitudes are different she will continue to paint you black and come to your wife and seek out the enabling. I understand that your wife is exhausted- RA is very debilitating. However, defining boundaries and sticking to them, while difficult and tiring at the onset, can work wonders to stabilize your relationship with your DD and thus to stabilize your DD in other aspects of her life. When you talk to your wife about this ask her is she can see any long term benefit to being more consistent with your DD- and ask if the long term benefit might actually, eventually, make things much easier. Safe to say your DD will continue to have difficulties ongoing because of her mental illness. A well thought out plan can really help to stabilize the MOST VALUABLE relationship your DD has- her relationship with her family.

Best of luck- keep coming back to tell your story, use the tools on the right hand side and practice validation in your life at large- it is actually a wonderful and useful tool in your day to day life with other people and practice with others will make it easier to do with your daughter. Hint- validate your wife and see if she isn't more receptive to the idea of establishing some boundaries with your DD. 

One last thought- Picking up the boyfriend in the middle of the night? OH H*LL NO!


Thursday


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« Reply #14 on: January 02, 2016, 01:02:11 AM »

Thanks for the insight Thursday!... .and everyone else for that matter.

I am trying to keep an open mind to better understand where I need to concentrate my efforts. 

I do want to elaborate a bit though.

I also have a nonBPD DD that is doing great (other than the recent BPD disruption to our family)

She has great, positive friends who she has had for quite some time, a steady boyfriend and attending local college with good grades.

She is very secure with who she is and we have a fantastic Dad/DD relationship.

Both DD's where raised basically in the same loving/nurturing environment. I know it can never be exactly the same with the second child but pretty close.

I had a close/very involved relationship with both DD's growing up... .maybe why this seems even harder for me to comprehend.

I understand that all kids are different and that some teens girls have many boyfriends in a course of time... .i get it. Dad's are not typically crazy about this behavior but if it is a harmless crush and not causing additional trauma or negativity... .I can deal with it.

Here is where I struggle with BPD DD.

Because of low self esteem issues, she needs the attention of boys to make her feel better about herself. She seems to be willing to do just about anything for their attention. (i won't go into details) She is a beautiful girly girl too, which is why there is no shortage of guys that want to make her "feel better" about herself. As soon as one is no longer available, shes looking for the next. She has made comments to friends saying that she would like to be a teen mom. She continually partakes in risky behaviors and constantly lies to us. Dad has his guard up!

She mostly gravitates towards troubled teens. She has dropped all friends that I considered a "positive" influence. I feel this is because she feels that she cannot live up to their standards. Negative behavior is much easier to maintain than positive behavior. She has lost all outside interests so her main focus is relationships. BTW, she is unable to keep girlfriends for very long either.

That being said, I do not feel that she can be treated/trusted as a normal teen would at this time. I want to find the right combination of help for us so she can start to feel good about herself and hopefully realize the potential risks of her behavior.

I do not criticize DD but sometimes her behaviors. I need to work on positivity towards DD while hating her behavior. This will take some work because of the huge negative impact this is having on our family.

The catch 22 that I am in right now is that DD needs me... .for self esteem and for support but i am the one "painted black" for setting the boundaries so she wants nothing to do with me.

My DW and i seem to be in constant disagreement as far as boundaries are concerned. DW also has a habit of not sticking to the said boundary after they are set. My nonDD has complained on many occasions about the lack of firm boundaries for the BPD DD.

I know more than ever now, that having both parents on the same page for boundaries is crucial. If we are both viewed the same, DD would be more apt to reach out to either of us and not just one.

I could keep rambling on, but i won't   Smiling (click to insert in post)... .been a rough couple of days for the family.

Work in progress... . 







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« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2016, 08:37:23 AM »

Hi JJames,

Some kids have sensitive genotypes -- it's possible that your BPD daughter is more sensitive than your other child, and she perceiving her environment as invalidating.

As an example, my son looks, acts, and behaves like a typical kid, and always has. You would never look at him and think he was different. And yet, looking back, and with what I understand now, I can see that he was a highly sensitive child with some mild sensory processing issues. The combination of my ex husband's issues (including depression) and my own ignorance about what a highly sensitive child needs, meant that we created an invalidating environment. My son's father has another child who did not suffer from the same issues as S14.

Gundersen, a leading BPD expert, talks about how, as a society, we think that parenting shapes the child, when in fact research with difficult children shows that the opposite may be happening. Our children shape us. A child who is difficult may push the parent away, and many of us respond in one of two ways. We assume the child does not want us (they may be rejecting a behavior that is hard for them to process, like hugging), and so we retreat, not knowing what, exactly the child needs. Or we rely on behaviorist parenting responses (obedient child vs. cooperative child) to discipline a child who is acting out in distress. This can feel like we are punishing them for being themselves, creating a lot of shame that floods them when they're (developmentally) in the process of building a stable sense of self.

It's not one thing that causes BPD, it's a threshold. Although I understand the desire to figure out where things went wrong. We have to create a validating environment for our kids as much as possible to give them an alternative emotional reality to the one they are battling against. Stay with the firm boundaries and I hope that validation helps to bridge the divide with your D.




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« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2016, 01:10:37 PM »

Encouraging people to validate their child's feelings is healthy.  Suggesting to a concerned parent that their child developed BPD because he/she invalidated their child's feelings too much is unhealthy and possibly inaccurate.

The are many research studies published in peer-reviewed medical journals proving that that components of BPDs' behaviors are substantially genetically encoded. The heritability of BPD has been proven to be moderate to high, based on findings of concordance between monozygotic twins.  Research studies have also shown that BPD patients have differences in the volume and activity in their brain structures related to emotion and impulsivity.  It's also well documented that toxins and infections can permanently damage and permanently decrease the size of a fetus' brain structures related to emotion and impulsivity and damage their corpus callosom.

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« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2016, 01:54:17 PM »

The are many research studies published in peer-reviewed medical journals proving that that components of BPDs' behaviors are substantially genetically encoded. The heritability of BPD has been proven to be moderate to high, based on findings of concordance between monozygotic twins.  Research studies have also shown that BPD patients have differences in the volume and activity in their brain structures related to emotion and impulsivity.  It's also well documented that toxins and infections can permanently damage and permanently decrease the size of a fetus' brain structures related to emotion and impulsivity and damage their corpus callosom.

Good points, Sososotired. The studies have helped me recognize that much of my son's behavior is genetically predetermined, and his psychiatrist has helped me recognize that environmental conditions can turn on/turn off switches in his genes (epigenetics). This is where it has helped to create a more validating environment for him.
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« Reply #18 on: January 03, 2016, 01:52:38 AM »

There are two books which I highly recommend to you and to any parent on this forum, as both helped me survive the teen years with both of my girls, who luckily made it to adulthood (things were touch and go a few times during those teen years!). The first book is:  Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love by Scott Sells. I can't tell you how much this helped our lives during those turbulent years! Please consider reading this book with your wife and see if you can find some common ground through its advice.

Thank you for this. Although my daughter doesn't have BPD she is under academic stress and its affecting her. Although I am divorced, I do appreciate the book recommendation for myself!

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