asking to borrow potty

[rarsweet]

Ex was supposed to have daughter overnight Christmas Eve. He didn't take her. Instead he asks if he can have her for the day on Sunday. I agreed because he hasn't seen her in a week. He calls last night to say Merry Christmas and asked me if once I really start potty training if he could just take the potty with him when he has daughter while I work. Seriously he won't even buy a potty! Mine cost $25, you can get them for even less. I also live on the second floor, I am about 100 lbs, it is hard to get down and up the stairs carrying a 30 lb baby, purse, diaper bag, now I provide him with some of her toys or books when he takes her, now he wants the potty . For 6 hours. Should I tell him to man up and buy a potty?

[bravhart1]

Will he not carry it? He'll pick any reason apart

I think for me it would be more about the cleaning factor  and secondary would be what if he forgets  it? Then you have no potty for home ( could spell set back).

I believe he could get a potty at goodwill or baby consignment if he started looking now. I'd say, " I'm glad you are thinking ahead of D's needs(throw him a bone) but it will be best if we each have a potty."

If he asks why, I wouldn't give explainations to be picked apart, just keep it firm, " I just think it's best".

[enlighten me]

I think you need to tell him that rather than borrow your stuff he should get his own. I got everything for my son and my exgf had a go at me for wasting money. My argument was what would I do if I had to have him in an emergency? She was puzzled by this so I said "if you where in a car crash and had to go to hospital I may not be able to get his stuff so what would I do?"

She conceded that it was a good idea. It wasn't expensive I think for spare clothes, travel cot and bedding, potty, toiletries and a push chair I spent around £160. That was all brand new and reasonable brands.

[rarsweet]

I don't want him my apartment so I don't want him to carry it down for me. What irks me is that he isn't paying for anything besides the few diapers he uses. One time he even asked me for diapers when he picked her up. I mean he hasn't paid for a thing since August. I give him an 8oz sippy cup of milk when he picks her up for 4-6 hours 3 times a week, her doc says she needs 20 oz a day, so if you do the math he isn't even paying for any milk. This week he was supposed to have her Christmas Eve and he declined. He asked if he could have her Sunday for the day instead. I agreed but told him he would have to pick her up at 7:30am because I had to go to work. Then he asked me if he could have her for an hour Saturday(tonight) and Sunday day. I offered for him to have her overnight since he was picking her up at 7:30am the next day he agreed. Then this morning when I worked my boss asked if I would come back tonight and cover for a sick coworker. I said yes since ex was taking daughter anyway. So I texted him and asked if he could get her by 6 since I had to go back to work.(I usually work Saturday nights at my other job, but closed for holiday). He said he couldn't commit to picking her up by 6. I said ok I will have my mom watch her. He flips in text about how he had great plans with daughter and I ruin them. I already worked this morning and he shouldn't adjust to my working more. What he wanted was for us to sit around waiting all night until he texted and said he was coming.  I just said no problem see you in the morning. He is just a loser. Really he doesn't have a job, no time commitments. I doubt my decision to not go after child support. It is only a temporary order and I can ask for it to be modified. I don't think it would make him get a job though, just stress him out so much God knows what would happen. If I am providing what he needs in order to have time with her I may as well be paying a babysitter in my home.

[Turkish]

Seperate homes, seperate responsibilities. I told me Ex that she should get a humidifier (again) due to D3's issues. I trained S5 to stop peeing the bed with a pee monitor I bought. I know she never bought one, even though the pediatrician recommended it.

Child toilet inserts are cheaper than potties. When in public, I sometimes hold D3. It is what it is. You can suggest for sure, but rescuing his waifishness seems enabling. Garage sales? Thrift stores? As any parent here knows, this isn't a complicated issue. However, what's best for your daughter? Can her father handle possibly holding her over the pot without dysregulating?

For what it's worth, we skipped the potty with our second child,.and used the toilet inserts.

[rarsweet]

From October 2013-January 2015 ex got $501 a week on Workmen's Comp. In January he got a $32,000 settlement, walked away with $25k after lawyers, then he got $427 a week in Unemployment from June- November this year. (He had carpol Tunnel, had surgery 5/2014, all better), he got $1,800 for income tax this past year. That equals over $73,000 over 2 years. His settlement was gone in 3 months. He is homeless. I worked until 3 days before schedule c-section and went back to work 17 days later, because he wouldn't even pitch in for the rent while we lived together.  I now have 2 jobs and pay for everything including all childcare. And he had the nerve awhile back to ask me to help him out around income tax time because he realized he is going to have to pay taxes on his unemployment and I have the right to claim daughter and get more money. He hasn't had any living expenses, only car and phone, since 2013.  I am sick of enabling him.

[scraps66]

I would buy him the potty and call it good.  Sounds like another way of continuing to engage. 

[GaGrl]

Sounds as if his asking to borrow the potty may be the proverbial straw that is breaking the camel's back. He is really crossing an inappropriate line here in not being g able to care for his child.

[bravhart1]

Bigger issue than the darn potty is why isn't he being forced by child support services to obtain employment to help support D?

You work two jobs and he works none? Are you in U.S.?

[rarsweet]

I agreed to a temporary no support order in August. When he became homeless( he had 50/50 custody) I told him that I was going to file an ex parte motion because he didn't have suitable housing. I asked him if he would agree to temporarily modifying the parenting plan to me having sole residential responsibilities and him no overnights. I told him I would give him until the end of the year to get his life together. He, surprisingly, agreed. His only request, literally in text said "I am begging you not to make me pay child support, don't do this to me". I did our joint agreement myself and submitted it. I figured it was easier and less stress to do whatever I had to to get him to agree. He was literally sleeping in his truck by the river at that time. Now it is almost 5 months later and no changes at all. No job, crashing at various friends and family's. The difference is now it is costing me money to have him have time with daughter. He has borrowed gas money twice to come get her, he borrowed money for prednisone when he landed in the ER with a respiratory infection, asked for diapers, the potty, I provide milk, I know he doesn't feed her on a schedule, it's when he ends up at a friend's house, I paid for daughters meds in October hen she was sick, then of course sent them with him when he picked her up. Also I think his friends and family are getting less and less supportive of him. He seems to have alot of excuses lately why he can't go to  so and so's house until later, his sister won't get back to him, etc. Atleast I knew he could bring daughter to safe places for the 6 hours he would have her. Now it seems like that isn't always the case anymore. He has been refusing any time I offer him using the excuse that in his predicament he has to be considerate of the people he stays with. He just told me he couldn't take daughter Christmas Eve night because his friend had family coming over. It's just a bunch of garbage. Now I am paying more for childcare because he isn't taking her when he is supposed to, and usually I have to scramble at last minute.

[rarsweet]

I work 10-3 Tuesdays, 2:30-8:30 Thursdays, 10-3 and 5-9 Friday, 8-2 and 3-9 Saturday, 8-2 Sundays, last Wednesday I covered and worked noon-2am straight, Tuesday evenings I have a volunteer job at a children's program 5-7, tomorrow I have an interview to take on the administrative job of this program which would be Monday through Friday, and I am a full time college student, all online, I do schoolwork almost every night from 9-midnight. I am just sick of working so hard and he doesn't have to at all. I really love everything I do but I would like to be able to relax a little. I have 2 older children too, I have them Tuesday and Wednesday and we alternate weekends. I am losing time with all the kids because I have to work so much.

[bravhart1]

Aww rarsweet, honey you are doing too much  :'(

I'm glad you have the job interview. A more regular schedule will help I hope. And I hope it's more money.

I know you probably don't want to think about this but ( in the most gentlest of suggestions)

Should you maybe look into getting dad someone to supervise his visits? It doesn't sound like your daughter is getting the quality of care she deserves when with dad.

You can't keep going at this pace and his dysfunctional parts are clearly wearing you down.  I sympathize, I feel like the BPDm in our lives is wearing me down to a nub. I'm so angry all the time at what she is doing to our lives. :'(

[rarsweet]

When ex dropped off daughter Sunday night she had a horrible rash. Really scared me to see it. He only had her for 12 hours! His request since he missed Christmas Eve.I texted him asking about it. He said she didn't have a rash. I sent him pics, this was about half hour after him dropping her off. Then his story changed "she may have been a little red, she has a hot spot for sure, just put some powder on it" I told him that powder isn't good and that I want to prevent this not just treat it. Second time in a month, last time she had blisters. I brought her to the ER yesterday. It was horrible. She screamed so bad to get her in the bath.  It is from front to her tailbone. Doc said it's from sitting in wet diapers. So afterwards I texted ex and said I had brought her to the ER. His response was "Hope she's in good spirits. You should have called me"

[bravhart1]

Well there is your answer. He's not well enough to care for her properly. You have to stop his unsupervised visits, it's not fair to your daughter.

[Turkish]

You now have two incidents of the same type of child neglect, easily preventable. Your daughter has been physically and emotionally distressed. If this were your baby sitter, what would you do?

[ForeverDad]

Some people are perpetual students, always attending but never working.  Sounds like he will be perpetually homeless for the foreseeable future.   It's okay to end the child support deviation, it wasn't meant to be permanent anyway.  May as well start stacking up his obligations.  Then if he gets cash, you'll have CSEA willing to snatch up at least some of it before it's squandered.

This may not be him, but be aware some fathers detest paying support so much they try to get more parenting time instead.  Probably you've got a long history of being considered the primary parent, but stay on your toes just in case.

[rarsweet]

In NH where there is shared parenting time the parent making more is liable to pay support. At this point if we had shared custody and he stayed not working I would technically be liable to pay him, BUT what I would have to pay is literally about $60 a week, certainly not enough for him to live on and support a child. We only lived together until she was 7 weeks old. After that we had 50/50 time for almost 11 months. For the past 5 months she has been solely with me. He has had her for 2 weekends that I agreed to while he went to visit his sister. So is that enough time to establish status quo? I absolutely agree that he would try to have more time going with the theory that he shouldn't have to pay support. I did tell him I would give him until the end of the year before I would motion to make our temp order a final order. So I am debating whether to just try to get him to agree to it using  no support as leverage or prepare for another court battle if I want a final order and child support. If he doesn't pay any support any doesn't have shared parenting time I do need to go back to court to change one thing. Our order states that we alternate tax years. Even if he doesn't work and can't claim taxes I think he would be happy just blocking me from doing it, and probably he would try to have someone else claim her. This past year he actually asked the judge to order me to split my tax return with him.(Not married, he didn't work a single day!) It didn't work. Last year I had an over $5k tax return. That is a substantial amount to a single mom with 2 jobs.

[ForeverDad]

Split the tax return... .yes all he sees are the $$$.  One answer is to increase your 'allowances' on your W-9 form and therefore withhold a little less, though you may need to hold a little extra in reserve just in cases taxes get underpaid a little next year.

Did you tell the ER (or doctor on follow-up visits) that this was after she had been with her father?  Did you save his texts or emails showing he didn't care about these incidents?  They can become documentation that he is not just substantively neglectful in child care but also uncaring.

One reason to limit his contact is that if this continues then a question children's agencies may rightly have is, Why you didn't report him?  They could view you as being culpable to allow incidents to continue.

BTW, if he is officially restricted to supervised visitation (probably only with solid documentation?) then I doubt he could file for child support.

[rarsweet]

Yes I did tell the ER doc that she had been dropped off in that condition the night before. The nurse said whenever her grand kids go with their dad they come back with rashes too. The doc said he has seen rashes develop in as little as 3 hours in a wet diaper. I know kids get rashes, it's his b.s. attitude that bothers me. He did pick her up just a little while ago and he asked how her rash was. I told him it's all gone. I did take pictures of her about an hour earlier in case she comes back in bad shape again. I think the next time she gets in that condition I will have to call DCYF. Atleast to document it. I recently started to let 16 year old twins from my street come babysit for a few hours when I have to do something other than work. I don't offer him extra time anymore. They take so much better care of her and they are just teenagers. And I don't know how much of it is just normal toddler behavior but she screams once she sees his car. She clings, grabs my clothes, holds her arms out, kicks, a few times she laid down on the ground screaming, the couple times my mom has done the exchange she had the same behavior. My mom came to my work all upset after one time just because she was so shaken to see her that upset. I have started recording with my phone in my jacket to record how badly she reacts to him. Who knows if that will ever matter. I just can't see it being normal separation anxiety because she doesn't behave this was towards anyone else. I leave her with my mom, my brother, the teenagers, even at my work or in stores, one store there is a cashier who just adores her and will take her off and walk around while I shop. She is ok with the separation. I know we are responsible for making sure our kids go with the other parent but it is really hard to see. The worst is her holding her little hands out to me and screaming while he is loading her in the car, like I won't help her. It quite literally takes my breath away.

[ForeverDad]

I know we are responsible for making sure our kids go with the other parent but it is really hard to see.

If you don't have a court ordered schedule or specific time frames then I believe you have a lot of flexibility in using your discretion and judgment.   Just don't appear to be unreasonably blocking and I don't think shortening his visits should be viewed poorly by a court.

[GaGrl]

Your daughter already knows that time with her father means being driven around for 5-6 hours while sitting in a wet diaper. No wonder she screams.

[scraps66]

When ex dropped off daughter Sunday night she had a horrible rash. Really scared me to see it. He only had her for 12 hours! His request since he missed Christmas Eve.I texted him asking about it. He said she didn't have a rash. I sent him pics, this was about half hour after him dropping her off. Then his story changed "she may have been a little red, she has a hot spot for sure, just put some powder on it" I told him that powder isn't good and that I want to prevent this not just treat it. Second time in a month, last time she had blisters. I brought her to the ER yesterday. It was horrible. She screamed so bad to get her in the bath.  It is from front to her tailbone. Doc said it's from sitting in wet diapers. So afterwards I texted ex and said I had brought her to the ER. His response was "Hope she's in good spirits. You should have called me"

A texting interaction like this will go nowhere with him.  My advice, just don't open the door like this.  From his reaction I almost begin to think that he may have intentionally let this go to arrive at, "... .you should have called me."  Why?

Split the tax return... .yes all he sees are the $$$.  One answer is to increase your 'allowances' on your W-9 form and therefore withhold a little less, though you may need to hold a little extra in reserve just in cases taxes get underpaid a little next year.

This can be dicey.  I used to overwithhold every year, a lot.  Be careful.  You can fool the system if the local courthouse is lax.  My courthouse, sometimes, would only use a pay stub to calculate support.  So for me overwihholding significantly, my support calc would come up erroneously low.  Lower than it would be if also using the tax return.  So fastforward two years later, ex had been changing jobs every year and we had to correct, I press to go in front of the judge because ex was not correcting her income each year and mine wasn't changing much.  Well, at this time they chose to use the tax return and I was $100s in arrears.  On top of that, my L at the time didn't tell me all of this, was horribly unprepared and made several mistakes that on top of the withholdings corrections, that would cost me $1000s.

The bottom lie, if you can settle the CS stuff out of court, with some documentation to back yourself up, the better.  Every trip you make back to court provides opportunities for mistakes and additional expenses which may have little positive benefit.   

[rarsweet]

     I get back about $5k for a tax return. Last year he got nothing because he was on workman's comp the whole year. So he thought since we had 50/50 custody I should have to split my tax return even though we had never been married and he lived with his dad having no bills at all. This year he got 26 weeks of unemployment so he will have to pay in for taxes. By my calculation about $800? So I think he thinks I should help him out and give him money from my tax return for him to pay his tax bill, even though he hasn't paid for anything, never even bought a crib when he lived at his dad's, had daughter sleeping in a pack and play. Not going to happen. In 2017 he is supposed to have that tax year and then me the year after, etc. But if he doesn't pay any child support and only has her for 16 or so hours a week then I will go back to court to change the tax alternation. The law is simply that you have to provide at least 51% of a child's support to have the tax exemption. There is obviously no way he is doing this.

      Realistically he is using 8 diapers a week(or should be) , maybe 20 wipes, and having to feed her 3 dinners, even that I know they eat at his friend's house when he has her. I buy a package of 34 diapers $9 each, wipes are around $3 a package. So he is literally needing about $12 a month during his times with her. I paid $55 to my secondary babysitter alone last week. He hasn't even had to buy her any clothing for at least the last 2 sizes. He picks her up and drops her off in the same clothes. Today at pickup I told him that daughter really loves Woody from Toy Story.  He said he would ask his brother in Alaska to send daughter his kids Toy Story dolls when they grow out of them . I was thinking never mind I will get her one way sooner that that.

[rarsweet]

Well I got offered the job I wanted today. Clinical secretary at a children's behavioral health facility. I am more than ecstatic. My degree that I am working on is Psychology with double minors in family services and human development. So it's my start, getting my feet wet. It's Monday through Friday! Wow don't think I have had that schedule before. I am taking a deep breath and leaving my job of almost 5 years. I am going to keep my second job at least for awhile. What this means for coparenting I don't know yet, but just so happy.

[Panda39]

rarsweet,

Just wanted to say congratulations on the new job! Keep moving forward you're doing great  

Panda39

[rarsweet]

Thank you Panda. I decided I am going to file to make a Final change to our parenting plan. Now I don't know what to suggest. Do I offer every other weekend to him and hope he will go to his sister's those weekends so I know atleast daughter will be ok? Do I ask for supervised visits and then have to keep having court? Do I just leave it where it is with him having 3 evenings a week even though I won't work evenings anymore? Do I offer 1 day a week while I am at work and mess up my childcare schedule? What if he managed to get a job? Do I offer a couple of hours a few days a week and then expect a babysitter to do exchanges with him? It seems like no matter what I do we will have a road of court ahead of us again. Ugh.

[Turkish]

What do you feel is best for you,.and best for your daughter, too keep her safe? Maube you can reframe the questions you have with these two things in mind. You're responsible for your baby, and also for yourself, not him.

[GaGrl]

Require supervised visitation until he has his own home. You can't allow him to drive D all over creation and call that quality time with her father.

So if not supervised, no visit.

[ForeverDad]

Why not do every Sat or every Sun?  Because there will be some weekends with the kids for activities or events (or him a weekend off from the kids).  Imagine you wanted to go out of town on a weekend, perhaps to visits family and friends, for a wedding or some other activity and ex said No.

Courts favor the alternate weekends pattern, however that does not mean long weekends.  You have basis to say No to overnights and long visits.  So maybe part of Saturday or part of Sunday on alternate weekends would be reasonable.  Perhaps an evening in between.

I would limit his parenting during the week, maybe scheduling just one or two evenings at the most, so he couldn't use "I have my kid" as an excuse not to seek work.

I didn't discuss supervised issue above because that can get complicated.  You should try to reserve for yourself the authority to cancel visits if you feel he is too dysregulated.  Court typically prefer a single period of supervision that is eventually lifted but that doesn't address the chronic/recurring ups and downs of his behaviors.  You don't want to keep going back to court to prove over and over a need to have supervision applied again.  So try to have the flexibility in an order that you can determine when visits are possible.

[Panda39]

Boy this is a tough question about how to proceed. My first inclination was supervised visitation but ForeverDad makes a good point about gaining control so you can act as you feel is best.

I am concerned with the bad diaper rash that sounds neglectful to me and is worrying.  What else goes on when he has your daughter? What else might he miss or not take care of? He's sounds very immature to me, he seems to come to you as his mother always turning to you to assist him. Do you feel that your daughter is safe with him?  Do you feel supervision is necessary?

If you went with ForeverDad's suggestion do you feel that you could manage enforcing canceling visitation?

I think either way you go Gagrl had a good suggestion about tying either unsupervised or more visitation to him getting a job and place to live... .he needs something to motivate him.  This may or may not work.  My SO's uBPDxw was never able to get her own place and keep it for 6 months as the court required so she could gain more visitation. She also has never been able to provide documentation that she has been/is employed.

You know your situation best I know it costs money but I think you should talk strategy with your lawyer.  Tell them your goals... .Daughter's safety, daughter sees her dad, you control visitation?, supervised visitation?, schedule works for you, visitation used as a carrot to get dad motivated... .

I wish I had any easy answer all I can say is do what is best for your daughter and you.

Panda39

[bravhart1]

I would ask a big favor of a close friend. I'd ask that friend to follow, film or photograph and write down everything dad does and where he goes on his visit. It's the only way you will know for sure she isn't being abused.

I get you aren't trying to make trouble for or with him, but this is your baby, and it sounds like she is traumatized by him. Your words say it all, she isn't fearful of going with people, even relative strangers, but she's desperate to avoid being with him. Please listen to that.

I think you are well within your rights and expectations to ask for supervised visits. Maybe ask his sister to come be with her brother do so he can visit for a few hours on Saturdays, or maybe another friend, perhaps it doesn't have to be formal in court but by agreement, but don't let him continue whatever he's doing.