Emotional turmoil w "husband" and we have 4 children

[Alyn1990]

I believe that my SO has BPD. We have been together since I was 16 years old and he was 18. We had kids young and have been together for 9 years (Kids are 8,6,3,2). We have been on and off separated countless times due to anger, miscommunication. For a long time I attempted staying home with the kids, but the stress of bills and the inconsistency w jobs took a huge toll. He would lose or quit jobs left and right. I got a job for the hospital and I go to school. He began to drink early in the morning, multiple drinks a day, would say crazy things. Hates cops, Christians, and a lot of issues w family members. Recently we had a huge break up. The reason was because he was calling me racist, telling me the kids and I deserved better and he hates himself, denounced Jesus, said if he was real for Him to kill him now, yelling saying his family hated him because of me, said he was at his job at a doctors office and since im white I have references and it so f ed up that he doesn't because he did more than I ever have for my job etc. In June, he left from PA to SC then FLA. He got into it with his sister in SC so went on his own and was living in his car. He would call apologize saying he is sorry that he drank too much etc. but he always would drink say off the wall things and think nothing of it. I told him I started making friends with guys (in all 9 years I had zero friends that were guys, no long hugs, kisses, anything while "separated". I really wanted us to work. I then started to think their was no way out for us.  He called repeatedly, first so upset then angry, then upset then angry,When he realized someone from the church was asking about me. (he found out through his friend that worked w someone through the church) then became suicidal at one point. He drank windex and he passed out while we were on the phone I was crying and scared. I didn't want him to die.  He said he couldn't live without his kids. His family, he misses us so much. He always talked about moving somewhere warmer because he felt like he couldn't live somewhere cold, work, and be happy. He said he was there but couldn't be happy. So he drove back up (October). He instantly got on anti-depressants, seemed to be much happier, church every Sunday w me, He was around a lot more then we started being together again. He was really wanting to be sober, but started smoking weed and drinking more again not as much but still drinking.  I'm constantly worrying because he cant afford his car payment, needs his car registered, owes fines, running out of gas, and his car battery keeps dying. The kids and I need to go out and start his car or give him gas etc. I have $10 until pay day on Thursday. I did have more, but he needed it. Today he was suppose to work for this guy an hour away and he didn't show up he normally pays that day. That is why he ran out of gas, but I feel its never ending. Always something. I bought a gas can because last time I didn't have the right thing it spilled all over my car. He was complaining why I got a gas can if I didn't have the money etc, I am so worked up because of the bills and I wonder if we will ever get out of this situation, the heat in my car isn't working and I think to myself after driving away from giving him the gas if he would ever even be able to care to want to help get that fixed for us because he is involved with himself and his situation all of the time. My dad is there for me a lot and we got into a fight saying if my parents weren't around at all it would be better. We were talking about his mom getting older and his dad passing away. I feel like my mom has come to my rescue a few times to help pay for insurance for my car or food on the table even if it was only a couple packages of chicken breast, or my dad would be there to pick up the kids if one was sick or what not. I understand cleaving to your spouse but when we were without any of my family around in the past I was homeless w my youngest living with someone from the church. I was crying today and he got so angry saying I'm not going bring him down with my depression. The past week he has been against Christmas and not wanting to celebrate it ever again. He explains the history behind Christmas is negative and not even about God which is fine, but a lot of the holidays mean a lot to me because it wasn't that big of a deal growing up and I wanted that for the kids. The past couple of days he has been in his car in the garage while I am with the kids because we would get into a quarrel. Continuing on from today he made dinner and was cussing under his breath the whole time then speaking real loud to the baby saying stuff about woman this and that, watch me get kicked out again, I don't give a f I been did it how many times, goes on for 20+ mins. I have been silent I was in the room w my oldest... .then I come out saying I'm upset am I not allowed to have feelings this is stressful, he said he will never ask me for anything ever again. He always talks about having someone who loves unconditionally etc. I'm just so tired he was leaving but I told him we aren't healthy for each other but for him not to sleep outside for us to figure this all out but I'm so so so tired. I don't want to be 40 years old wishing I did stuff different.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tarantula17]

Is your husband doing any therapies aside from medications and self-medicating?  Does he realize he has these behavioral issues?  My husband was diagnosed years ago, but was treated like a guinea pig (according to his testimony) and came to the point where he thought nothing was wrong. We were married back in July and he has come to terms with accepting there is something wrong, and he is actively trying to do something about it.  It is just really scary for me because it involves suicide attempts, the lives of my children being rough, being hard on me emotionally and physically with me battling my own chronic pain illness and our finances also taking a huge hit.  I have decided to no longer put money into his vehicle and fix mine up because I have the children 3/4 of the time and I NEED a functioning vehicle.  These have been too many months of him here or him at his mom's for me to be without a vehicle to do things like pay bills or get groceries.

As a Christian, keep your chin up and continue to trust the Lord.  He knows what He is doing.  I just spent jail time for assault on my husband when he hit himself (the police blamed me), and spent literally all my time in the Bible.  I got many answers from it and feel stronger coming out of that awful place than ever before.  It doesn't mean I don't have limitations, or get scared, or have my own down days of pure struggle, but it does mean I'm not alone in the fight for a decent life for those I love.

[Daniell85]

It's a terrible feeling of being alone, with children to raise, and such difficulties with a loved one who is crashing things down.

We are here. So welcome to BPD Family.   Let's see what we can do to help you stabilize things and decide a path forward for yourself and your family.

You sound really overwhelmed right now. Your mom and dad are able to help you out a bit. Family support means a lot, so whatever your significant other is complaining about on this, it's how he feels and not how you feel. And you do have a right to feel anything you feel. You just do.

I'd like to encourage you to keep posting. It can be quiet around here on holidays and weekends, so if it seems like a slow start on people responding, that's why.

Do you happen to have a counselor for yourself? A therapist?

To the right of this page are a lot of links, The Lessons, and there are links at the top of the boards that may be helpful to you. Have you had a chance to read some of them?

And no, your life does not have to end up in a terrible place at 40 years old. Or any year. You are coming here and being proactive and looking for a path through things. That is a big step, that first step, and a really important one.

Ask any questions you have and think about where you want to handle things from here in your life. Tell us about what you would like to see happen.

[Alyn1990]

Tarantula17, No he is not, no that I know of. I don't know what to believe or not. He at one point said his "psychologist" asks why he lets himself be walked on.  His mom would say he needs medication and tell him this isn't healthy and he believes I made everyone believe this. His mom has cut the connection off with him basically for awhile, but this past summer has been the most evident. She lives in SC, she moved 7-8 years ago got remarried and he was a mommas boy when younger (he is the youngest of 3 girls), but he didn't stay with her. She told him he was a disappointment and not to ask her for anything, etc. He is so cold about it, one minute he talks about his mom and its so negative. He always says oh well she will die soon anyway and we never even built any type of relationship. They do not talk at all. I believe she is letting him grow up into a man and isn't there anymore to help him out in any way emotionally, financially, physically.

I feel like he takes it out on me.  Before his dad passed away of cancer 2 years ago he would say the same thing, oh well he will be better off life goes on, but he was there for him the last two weeks in the hospital non stop by his side... .rubbing his feet. Talking to him...   This past weekend his sister invited us to a Christmas party she didn't even expect him to be there and was upset she said she was inviting the kids and myself... she told me this on the side. Then his niece looks at him and says the only way your with her it was pure luck, luck only. He got so offended... She then said or she was 16 and didn't know any better and now you guys have 4 kids together. I know he deals with his own insecurities with looks, but he is attractive. I always thought so. He lost 80 pounds since when we first got together. So he has a bad self image. I would always say he was handsome etc. His family over the summer was telling me to run while I can. It is hurtful because deep down I feel like it is true. I can't rationalize with him. Every Christmas I'm figuring out how to make it work, most of the time.

One year we went together and put stuff on lay away which was about 4 years ago. He doesn't care where we go or what we do... he just wants to be left alone it feels like most of the time. Trantula17, I am sorry that you have to deal with what your dealing with... I couldn't imagine spending time in jail for something he had done. Your right, I need to look to the Lord more he is the only one who has taken this deep despair from me. The void that I had was fulfilled through accepting Jesus and reading the word. As of recently I do feel like my faith has been shaken a lot. SO's thought patterns toward everything is so distorted. He said he is opening his mind up and enlightening himself to other things, so I assume he is or was looking into other things.  It feels so good to have other people to vent to without the look of WOW that is not what a man does etc. My dad over the summer helped get the house straightened up with me because SO broke the back door and a lot of other things. My dad looked at me and said I don't know if I can do this again. I was so embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

I keep going back into the same thing. I feel so depressed. My dad believes a man should work and do the most of the things to fix around the house. Take care of his home... I wish that was the case.                             Daniell, thank you for the input that he is the one who feels this way and not me because I feel like to get along he wants me to agree with him and I cannot on most of the things he comes up with are not moral or they are just wrong. I do have a counselor I just started seeing her about 4-5 weeks ago. Once a week. I attempted to read some articles. I didn't look to the right of the page, thank you! I want a happy life, not full of turmoil. I don't want to be alone while in a relationship. I feel like sex was the only thing that we actually connected and it felt emotional. A couple weeks ago, after his churchs mens group, He wanted to abstain from sex so we could see if we have more in common than that... I moved on over the summer purposely, I did something I regret, so I didn't have to tell him.

I knew if I moved on in this way that I wouldn't have to go back because I couldn't face him. Well I did and I told him instantly. He will not look at me the same. Its been 9 years since ive done anything with anyone else like I mentioned before. He said that there are things that need to be discussed and when we have sex it feels like the pain goes away, but once the real world sets back in we don't respect eachother etc. and the painful feelings are still there. I sort of agree that is one thing that keeps bringing us back together. It lasted only a couple of days, but that is something that I agree on.

Our connection in that area is important but recently I'm just sick. Normally, it wouldn't matter. Over the summer connecting with other people and talking about normal things that make you happy just was an eye opener that there is more out there. My life could be way worse and I hate complaining, but I really need someone to talk to about this. I haven't talked too deeply about this stuff with my counselor yet.  

[Alyn1990]

Last night, while doing the dishes, I received a text message from a phone number unrecognized. Was saying weird things about doing stuff with them and they were offended I didn't know who they were, I repeatedly said I believed it was my SO. I kept saying his name because I havent talked to anyone since a few weeks before he came back from out of the state. This was about 2 hours going back and forth. When he walked in the door I said I know it was you writing me and he completely denied any of it. Wanted the persons number who was writing me. Looked through the texts and said you did say my name a few times but weird how he knew so much stuff. Unfortunately I want to earn my SO's trust, I always felt like I was being tested . He looked at me like I was doing something wrong and was guilty. I told him to not go outside and wait for this person to respond.

I saw him turning to the side pretending he was smoking his cigarette, but was really trying to respond. He hid the phone and I was able to grab the back of the phone and he said what that's a piece of an old phone. Was completely playing it off not laughing. It wasn't a joke. I felt like he was trying to hold something over my head so he could say later something I did. We got into it I was trying to fin the phone, he stuffed it in his shoe I felt it and we were basically wrestling. It was so immature. We wound up in the garage he threw the phone under his car,  Pretending I was crazy, that I was losing my mind. I got the phone under the car and was trying to open it up and he grabbed me by the neck with his arm and choked me for a few seconds. I went upstairs and went into my car. I was so worked up about it.

I wanted him to just leave. He called and said I was overreacting it was a joke seeing if I was talking to someone I was upset that he choked me and it hurt, I don't understand why he would do something so stupid and get me all worked up. All night he was saying how I ruined all his relationships with his mom, dad (passed away), friends. How everyone thought I was some "Angel" everyone is so blind and that his mother doesn't even want to talk to him because of me. He burnt all these bridges because of me. He has been homeless every year because of me. A lot of times this has happened the ups and downs. He was calling me names that I deserved the worse of the worse. Just so I know how it feels. What will I do when the girls grow up to be whores? We went back and forth all night long. He wouldn't let me leave the house and kept downing drink after drink after drink. Said if I tried to leave he doesn't know what would happen but don't try!

After 3 hours or so he went in to go to the bathroom and I was able to get to the car just to leave the situation. He calls and said for me to come back he would leave and wanted to give the rights up to the kids. He never expected a family to be like this. He wants to die and he wont die alone he will take many people out with him, he was drinking. He always says things like this while drinking. I said we both deserve to be happy and us and our relationship is toxic. He said no, I don't think you deserve good, you deserve bad. Just would keep saying things like this. 9 years I never did anything with anyone else and the past year I tried to move on while he was out of state and now I'm all bad, he could never do anything with me ever again. Doesn't want me, cant wait to move on and find someone. He will knock up the next girl he is with so he can have a family is what he said. He said that I was just like his friends ex girlfriend who ahd sex with all his friends etc.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. Called me a basic b****. He said he wants a ride or die that girls are getting beat up and cheated on left and right, but he gets kicked out and looked down on like a piece of garbage. Everyone looks to him like a piece of crap but really its YOU. Your the one. He left then came back looking for his phone and drove up on the grass close to the porch, kept opening and shutting the garage it was around 4 am and the neighbors came out. He was stuck in the lawn spinning out. People need to work the next day. He then says he will go off and no one will hear from him again. I wanted to make this relationship work because he got on anti-depressants but I do not ever see this changing. It hurts so bad, we have four kids together.

I feel codependant in a way, not financially but when I read up on it. It defines me a lot. I want to change and I want better for the kids. I have been horribly depressed today and believing I ruined his life that he is alone because of me. That I'm unreasonable but I don't think I am, I want a healthy relationship. We are different morally, spiritually, kept saying he was going to hell, Jesus is made up, doesn't care etc. I'm just so sad.

[babyducks]

Hi Alyn1990,

It is not okay for him to choke you, even for a few seconds.   And it's not okay for him to keep you from the leaving the house while he drinks.   Have you told anyone that he did that?   Your family?  A trusted member of your church?

It's important to put the safety of your children and yourself first.   Reaching out to talk to some one, even anonymously can help.

You haven't ruined his life.    There is a lot of turmoil and conflict going on right now and it's natural to be sad and hurt.    This is difficult stuff.   

I'm going to include a link, it's the green text.   When you are ready click on the green text and it will take you right toothe link about safety

Safety First

babyducks

[Alyn1990]

No, I did not tell a family member or anyone from the church. I do not want the police called... .we agreed for the next two weeks he can stay until he gets a paycheck to leave. Anytime he feels or thinks he is going to get kicked out he gets panicky and rages.  I told him no drinking while he is here. I told him I didn't want another episode of what happened the other night. I really do feel like this will never change... We are living like nothing happened. I'm just ashamed that I keep going back. I don't know how to call it quits... he becomes so nice and sweet and looks at me in the eyes promises we will work this out. Reality is its so up and down. It helped SO much reading about BPD because I really feel like this is what it is.   

[babyducks]

Hi Alyn

It does help when we start to learn about the disorder and recognize some of the push / pull behavior.   

I don't blame you for not wanting another episode like you had the other night.  That was some tough stuff.    Do you have a way to minimize the amount of time you spend alone with him for this next 2 weeks?

[Alyn1990]

I have attempted to minimize the amount of time we have spent together. Its weird how he can be so loving then so extremely angry. We have been just existing the last few days. He made dinner etc. No conflict  minimal conversation. We semi talked yesterday, and he went to church this morning. He was suppose to get paid from his new job on Friday. The boss kept giving him the run around. He freaks out talking about destroying all the work he did, f this person and that, then explain that it hurts him knowing he is not able to financially provide the way he wants to. That it really hurts him so much. He refuses to borrow anymore money from his baby mom. He is so mad because he really wanted to give me $100 and not only the money he owes me but so it can help pay some of the bills. He went on and on about not returning to this job and finding another one. He doesn't want to go church, but we wind up going anyway. After church he then says how this sucks so bad going in circles being homeless then not then ins. 2016 will be a while new year and he just wants to be at a house and sleep, unpack his belongings. Enjoy life, holidays, etc. He just wants a normal life. I feel like he is putting all the blame on me. That he is going to finally have this life he imagines, but this all I ever desired. Today, I had zero emotion. I had zero input. I really think that helped. It didn't escalate the situation. I didn't care what he said. He said it would be better off if he would just rob people, because he said he is the type of person that could do it. But he is trying to do it the right way and its getting him NOWHERE, etc. He said he doesn't care who he steps on in the process, just like most rich people, he doesn't care so he can make it to the top. Morals are so important to me and most of the time I feel like it is not to him. He then goes on saying I refuse to be homeless again, sleeping in a portojohn, abandoned car, or park bench.It just hurts soo bad when he talks like that, but this all does not happen for no reason! I feel so guilty most of the time. Like I am the one not responding appropriately. I don't even know what is truly healthy anymore. I wonder if their are truly genuine healthy people. This is scary.

[Alyn1990]

Last night, I tried to disengage and went to eat w my 2 year old. At night, after I picked the kids up from Nanas we were going to bed and he starts slamming the Christmas tree around. Yells saying at least the kids have a bed. He was on the couch. He is sawing the Christmas tree and breaking it into pieces. He then starts lighting the wood of the Christmas tree on fire on the stove top in the kitchen. Smoke fills up the house. He has the tree on fire heading towards the door saying he will sleep outside like the animal he is... I told him I thought we were going to work this out until you can get a place. He's going back and forth throwing stuff around the house. Saying how Cold I am. This always happens u kick me out. Your the coldest person I know even when my mom left my dad she at least left the house took everything out but gave him that. Takes my phone saying he is making a phone call. Goes through my phone and looks on Facebook looking for these "guys" I'm talking to. People would write but no response on my part. I was in the wrong for this. He then goes and takes every medication in the house and drinks Mr.clean cleaning solution. Says he is going to die because he can't handle the way he feels. I text my dad to come over. He then sees my dad and is angry at me that the animal is now on display. That is corny that I called my dad. The kids and I leave at 1:30 am. I called to go into a safe place until I figure this out.

[Kwamina]

Hi Alyn1990,

I am very sorry that your SO is behaving this way. It's very sad that he isn't able to deal with his emotions in a more productive way.

Dealing with all of this isn't easy so I am glad you have the support of your dad.

Getting yourself and your children to safety is indeed important so I think it's very wise you made that call.

Are you safe now?

Take care

[livednlearned]

Hi Alyn1990,

We're here for you. When you have a chance, check in and let us know you're ok.

Leaving an abusive situation, especially with kids involved, is extremely stressful. Did you find a safe place to stay?

LnL