Be the man/woman he/she fell in love with...

[AmIReadyForThis]

What are some strategies people have used to just 'be themselves' with their SO or exSO after a breakup or a potentially damaging (to the relationship) fight. I often find myself closing my walls after situations like this, no matter how much I tell myself to just be me. There are many things I could say to the woman I am in love with (BPDex) however actions are much stronger and positive than words alone. I want to be my charming, funny, witty, gentleman self that she fell in love with and not the shy, over the top kind man I have been around her the last couple days.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I understand about closing down emotionally after being treated poorly. I think that's a reasonable response.

However you are asking about how one could go back to being the person one was in the beginning of the relationship.

I don't think that's possible. You have far too much information and history with your partner now than you did before.

To just put on the romantic cloak to try and sweep them away and be in that blissful rapture won't last even if it's possible to maintain for a while.

The sad reality is that all you can do is to be your best self and be true to yourself. Whether or not this will entice your partner to reengage is up to them.

[waverider]

You wont go back to who you were as we are a product of our life experiences. You have had new experiences. However, who you are now is a reactive product of this relationship. You can change that, you can be a newer more confident you, this s what you should be aiming for.

Many of the folks who have been here a while will report substantial changes in the way they view themselves. Many are even more confident and knowledgeable than they ever were. To me it now seems that much of my previous confidence was based on ignorance, now it is more reality based.

If you continue to participate here you will turn many of your ideas and preconceptions on their head. This will build a new you. Once you develop a new you then your life becomes less reactive and you will gain what you are seeking. Not being the person she fell in love with (reactive thinking), rather being the person you are proud to be (proactive thinking).

[Notwendy]

I think, if we are really honest with ourselves, we would have to admit that the person our SO's fell in love with was not completely authentic or honest, because, if we were, we would not have matched them in the ways we did. The relationship would not have continued.

We were not honest, because we focused on their needs while hiding our own. Maybe even from ourselves. Then, sometime down the line, we expressed a need, and it didn't go well. Why should it? That would be a game changer for them. The relationship was built on each of us matching something in the other, and that had to include our focus on them, not us.

WW is right. We were reactive. Reactive to the needs, feelings, admiration, approval of someone else. And reactive to their anger, disapproval, unhappiness.

At least I was. I also read that we tend to choose people who meet our issues. Had it not been our SO's it would have been someone else who elicited these same behaviors. I also read that, if we leave the relationship without understanding our part in it, we risk doing this with someone else. This was quite a motivator for me to look back at my FOO issues and also past relationships to see if there was a common theme.

That was me. I was fearful. Fearful of upsetting my SO, fearful of asking for something I needed. Why? well that is how I grew up with BPD mom. If I wanted or needed anything, I had to ask. Often it was the asking that prompted her to say no. I was afraid to rock the boat with anyone I loved, and so focused on meeting his needs.

The purpose of personal growth is not to be a selfish person who doesn't care about someone else's needs, but to learn to be who we are, honor our needs as well. I prefer to be that person, even if it means someone might not fall in love with me.

[Notwendy]

One issue I read about in how we "match " our SO's is on boundaries. Many of us do not share the same kind of dysfunction that our SO's do and so wonder how we could attract and match them. When I read this about boundaries, it resonated with me.

People who have healthy boundaries feel a sense of discomfort around someone who does not have good boundaries. Dysfunctional boundaries can be too weak or too strong. We learn boundaries in our FOO's and if our FOO's are dysfunctional, then we have boundaries that feel familiar and functional within our FOO's but can not be good boundaries in our adult lives.

In the world of dating, if our boundaries are off, then this can function as a filter in how we are attracted and attract people. Someone with healthy boundaries might meet us, but then feel uncomfortable, or we may. Then someone with poor boundaries comes along and it feels "just right" to both of us.

If our boundaries are too strong, then the only people who will persist with us are those who tend to disregard and step over other people's boundaries will persist with us. People who respect boundaries will then respect them and leave.

This is the danger of shutting down after a relationship and not being vulnerable to letting people in. We should be cautious, but if we have iron clad boundaries, then this can affect who we enter relationships with.

Another motivator to work on boundaries in or out of any relationship. It really is a gift to us, and to our SO's to learn about healthy boundaries.

[waverider]

Lack of healthy boundaries means we do not see or trust red flags, so we bend to accommodate. When this becomes a permanent state of affairs we loose healthy points of reference and so it becomes too hard to establish boundaries without help or guidance. We are lost with no idea why or what to do about it.

[enlighten me]

Even if you where completely honest in the beginning of the relationship your SO saw you as someone else. Perfect and the answer to their prayers. Once the flaws (that we all have) start to be seen then their opinion of you changes. You can never become the person that was idolised by them as that person only existed in their mind. What you can do is enforce boundaries, be honest and do the best you can to improve things without sacrificing yourself. The worst thing you can do is become desperate and needy.

[Skip]

What are some strategies people have used to just 'be themselves' with their SO or exSO after a breakup or a potentially damaging (to the relationship) fight. I often find myself closing my walls after situations like this, no matter how much I tell myself to just be me.

Are you asking "how can I not be so emotionally reactive to her"? It might have to do with examining where you are with your sense of "self".

A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear-headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can either support another's view without being a disciple or reject another view without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.

People with a poorly-differentiated "self" depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others.  It’s normal to want to please someone you care about, but when someone has a poorly-differentiated "self", they usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes anxiety and they sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.  This is generally where codependents get into trouble.  They have blurry boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own problems on others.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

She was the one end things. She said she felt smothered then ended it. We went nc for a few weeks after then she called to tell me of the pregnancy.

... .and she found out she was pregnant, you've told her you are there for her, whatever she needs, and you're talking, but she has not wanted to reconnect with you for two months... .

Now what?

Don't forget how you got to this point... .

1. She felt (and you seem to agree) that you became clingy

2. There is now an unplanned pregnancy (which is a blessing and a course, and your fault or maybe her fault, depending on the day).

3. You are in high anxiety mode/panic over the breakup (and a bit clingy) and seeing a therapist (good!).

This is really complicated.  And it's not an easy thing to navigate as your own sense of self and emotionally stability is up in the air (lost lover, pending co-parenting situation) as is hers (reconnected to an unresolved relationship problem, needing to decide whether to keep a baby and raise it with someone she just broke up with).

I think you know what you feel your own priorities are right now - the child is a path to rekindling the relationship and you want to recover that loss and exit the grieving ex mode. These might change, but that is another discussion  .

I think the question for you, is whether you know her priorities? I don't mean to just ask her, its more complex than that, but I do mean to get in touch with what she is dealing with by probing a bit and thinking it through. Her pathway is not as clear to her as yours is to you.  She is deciding what to do... .

More importantly, she is not clinging to you to help her - if anything - she is holding you at a distance. Why? I might guess (only a guess) is that she is trying to make a "go", vs "no go" decision.  You are strongly biased, so she may be staying separate to not be overly influenced.

Is this possibly what is going on?  If so, what "role" should you have with her right now?

[Euler2718]

If our boundaries are too strong, then the only people who will persist with us are those who tend to disregard and step over other people's boundaries will persist with us. People who respect boundaries will then respect them and leave.

... .I believe this! And, the issue is, with BPD people, they always push away with strong boundaries... .I often think that this will "filter out" anyone who has any respect for such things... .leaving you with stalkers and such as the remaining "candidates"  for long term relationships. At least, for the ones that really love preemptive strikes and such.

[waverider]

If our boundaries are too strong, then the only people who will persist with us are those who tend to disregard and step over other people's boundaries will persist with us. People who respect boundaries will then respect them and leave.

... .I believe this! And, the issue is, with BPD people, they always push away with strong boundaries... .I often think that this will "filter out" anyone who has any respect for such things... .leaving you with stalkers and such as the remaining "candidates"  for long term relationships. At least, for the ones that really love preemptive strikes and such.

"Too strong" is probably the wrong word, more like overbearing. This can occur when we try to use boundaries to control our environment rather than our own emotional or physical protection. I also believe it is possible to become too stubborn or "prickly' to the point we are more effort than it is worth for folks who have better things to do to pander to what are effectively 'needs'