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Author Topic: Painted black after vacation  (Read 958 times)
Lou12
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« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2016, 03:02:41 PM »

Hi Jessica I am presently going through the Same! Thought we had sorted things out yesterday. We spoke all was ok, we decided to put it behind us. Later that night I sent a good night text and WHAM I've been thrown right back into ST!

I am the same as you in thinking that the more it's getting dragged out the harder it is for us to recover from. Your trust diminishes as well as there's.

So I'm now back a square one, unsure if I am being punished or because he's shamed I called him out on his bs lie for the reason for the last ST.

I was undecided what to do as I know he has completely dysregulated. Sometimes I can pull him out of it if I intervene early enough but I know now that he is thinking 'she is definitely not the one for me' and there is absolutely nothing I can do at this point. My biggest fear at this point is if he looks for someone else as that's a deal breaker for me.

Please let me know how you are doing and what your action plan is at this time x
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« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2016, 03:15:26 PM »

Jessica, you might try telling him you need some space and you will be back in touch in a few days.

Perhaps he won't need to break up with you then. The healthy reason to do it is because you don't want to deal with him while he's in this state, and you know it.

Better yet... .(whether you do that or not)... .think about how you want to handle a "break up" from him again. Consider your options. Perhaps post here for thoughts. Lord knows, you aren't  the only one on these boards who has a partner that pulls this kind of stuff!
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #32 on: January 05, 2016, 03:17:29 PM »

I kind of got the same validation yesterday, only indirectly... .and with a big raincloud behind it. He spoke to a mutual friend who casually asked about his vacation. It was the first day back to work. She told me he said we had a great time, that I got sick but we had a lot of fun. The weird part is he said to her that he is an a-hole (his word), was rude to me, can't handle relationships and needed to accept that about himself so he could move on.



He's still distant and didn't call on his way home from work last night like he usually does, so I knew something was up. He texted me around midnight saying he felt 'out of sync', kept apologizing and didn't know what else to say, and wasn't sure if we should break up. Great. Now I have no idea where we stand. I could tell he was fully dysregulated.

Here's how I see this, Jessica. He's telling the truth to your mutual friend. He had a good time and he was an azz to you. He's feeling terrible about himself now that he's realized he's behaved badly and that's why he's not comfortable dealing with you and brings up the breakup idea. He's giving you an out.

I think the best thing is to let him work through these feelings. You might briefly text him saying that you had a good time on the vacation and that you look forward to reconnecting with him--or you might omit the last part. That way you let him know that you're there for him without intruding on his cycle of self abuse and he can self-soothe in his own time frame.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Jessica84
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« Reply #33 on: January 05, 2016, 03:32:52 PM »

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to pour myself into work to keep my mind going in a positive direction. When I think about him, I want to slump into my chair and stare into space. Like a mental patient!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Lou - sorry you are going thru this too. I don't have a good plan of action yet. It's so annoying and so unnecessary!

Grey Kitty and Cat Familiar (my 2 favorite kitty cats!) - good advice. I already told him I had a great time on the vacation. I already validated his frustrations. Last night, I told him to hang in there, I'm there for him. What I haven't done yet is ask for space and let him know I'll be in touch in a few days, as GK suggested. Scared of how he might take that. When he did this last time, he took it to the extreme - promised to leave me alone for 6 months! He made it 8 days. 
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Jessica84
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« Reply #34 on: January 05, 2016, 04:31:49 PM »

I think I have a strategy:

If his calls go back to his old routine, I'll answer in hopes we can move past this. So if he calls tonight when he's leaving work, or driving to work in the morning I'll know he's back to his "normal". I'm not too confident in this happening, but who knows with him. Maybe this will blow over. If he derails from his calling routine and only sends strange cryptic texts, I'll know he's still in a bad state and won't respond to let him self-soothe. If his texts get ugly by my not responding, I'll block him so I don't have to read them.

It's the best plan I can think of for now, based on all past experiences with him. He has definite patterns that reveal a lot about his state of mind. I'm far more aware of them now.

Responding to him when he's "off" is pointless... .and reading his ugly words will only make me feel worse. I have to break this cycle somehow. I ALWAYS respond to him no matter his state, trying to be supportive, validating, assure him I'm there for him, blah blah... .Something has to change.
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steve195915
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« Reply #35 on: January 05, 2016, 07:20:26 PM »

I think I have a strategy:

If his calls go back to his old routine, I'll answer in hopes we can move past this. So if he calls tonight when he's leaving work, or driving to work in the morning I'll know he's back to his "normal". I'm not too confident in this happening, but who knows with him. Maybe this will blow over. If he derails from his calling routine and only sends strange cryptic texts, I'll know he's still in a bad state and won't respond to let him self-soothe. If his texts get ugly by my not responding, I'll block him so I don't have to read them.

It's the best plan I can think of for now, based on all past experiences with him. He has definite patterns that reveal a lot about his state of mind. I'm far more aware of them now.

Responding to him when he's "off" is pointless... .and reading his ugly words will only make me feel worse. I have to break this cycle somehow. I ALWAYS respond to him no matter his state, trying to be supportive, validating, assure him I'm there for him, blah blah... .Something has to change.

What didn't work for me with my SO wBPD was not to respond to her texts.  I'd hear about it later how rude I was not to respond to her texts.  If the texts were rude or inappropriate from her, I wouldn't text back things totally unrelated and ignore the rude texts.  For instance if she was on the way home from work and texted me some rude insult, I'd just respond with "I hope your work day was fine and not too stressful."  or "Looking forward to hearing your voice tonight" or any other thing not related to the received text.  Most times we would talk later and the whole rude text/s she sent were not even brought up and all was fine like they were never sent.  Try experimenting and see what works for you.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #36 on: January 05, 2016, 08:41:13 PM »

Thank you Steve. I've tried that too - kind of like distracting a toddler with a shiny object. It has worked before, but not always. It's all trial and error, isn't it? I try to stick with what works consistently - validation and boundaries. But in this type of situation, I've noticed that what works one time doesn't work the next. So I try something different. Ignoring him may or may not work, but I haven't done it before. Don't know if I will or not. Depends on what he says. If I can keep it light, I will. If he's rude or in one of his dark, deep moods I may ignore.

Anyway, thank you for all the suggestions! We'll see how it goes... .

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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #37 on: January 05, 2016, 09:47:59 PM »

I've been ignoring my husband's sighing and expletives muttered under his breath. I used to respond with, "What's wrong, Honey." Now I just ignore it and interestingly enough, that pattern is going away. No reinforcement, no reward.

Previously it drove me crazy when out of the blue, he'd loudly exclaim, "F@ck!" It really was anxiety-inducing for me to be jarred out of a peaceful state and extremely irritating when I'd ask what that was all about and he'd reply, "Oh, nothing."

I think a lot of their wacky behaviors are a cry for attention and I'm just trying to respond to the positive requests, not the crazy negative ones.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Icthelight
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« Reply #38 on: January 06, 2016, 10:35:15 AM »

I've been ignoring my husband's sighing and expletives muttered under his breath. I used to respond with, "What's wrong, Honey." Now I just ignore it and interestingly enough, that pattern is going away. No reinforcement, no reward.

The sighing frustrates me. I too usually respond with, "What's wrong, honey." I have a deep desire to make sure that all is well, that she is ok, so I offer my help. Doesn't usually go well.

I've started to ignore her sighs too, which for the most part, is working out. Recently, I actually giggled because since I didn't respond to the first sigh, she sighed louder. Reminded me of a child looking for attention. She picked up on this and angrily asked, "What are you laughing at?" I don't like to lie, but I had to come up with a lame excuse about remembering something someone said at work. She wanted to know every detail. I came up with this lame story, that I didn't even think was funny. She looked at me and did the eye roll

Note to self: No giggling when she sighs.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #39 on: January 06, 2016, 11:25:39 AM »

 Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Yeah, never a good idea to laugh, no matter how ridiculous they act! The first time mine fully dysregulated I could swear he was joking. We hadn't been dating long and he used to play these movie characters to make me laugh. One day he went into the loudest, meanest rage I've ever seen in real life, and it came out of nowhere. I truly thought at the time he was playing some over-the-top abusive character so I burst out laughing. Only that time, it wasn't an act. I swear it was like watching Bruce Bainer turn into the Hulk right before my eyes. 

I usually ignore the sighs and the cursing when he's having a "moment"... .this usually gets him over his latest "crisis" faster. Asking what's wrong would go one of two ways - either he'd project hatred onto me, or I'd hear some loong repetitive rant about whatever was bothering him.

This time I'm going to ignore and deny him the opportunity to give the big breakup speech. He's taking way too long to get over this so I know it's coming. Haven't heard from yet so I'm going to go on about my life and wait for his to unravel now... .   Makes me grateful I don't have this nutty disorder.
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« Reply #40 on: January 06, 2016, 11:45:30 AM »

Hang in there Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Jessica84
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« Reply #41 on: January 06, 2016, 01:45:55 PM »

Well, he texted. "How are you Mother Teresa?"   Guess I'm painted white again.

The rest was nothing too serious - texts about work and how he's sick in bed.

What next? I don't know. He mentioned he "cannot think straight" because of the cold and the medicines. I wonder if this is his out? If he can blame coming down with a cold for his bad behavior at the airport, then blame the cold itself for barely speaking to me since, then it's possible he's calmed down and doesn't want to break up, but needs an excuse for the way he's been acting... too logical?
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steve195915
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« Reply #42 on: January 06, 2016, 01:55:49 PM »

Well, he texted. "How are you Mother Teresa?"   Guess I'm painted white again.

The rest was nothing too serious - texts about work and how he's sick in bed.

What next? I don't know. He mentioned he "cannot think straight" because of the cold and the medicines. I wonder if this is his out? If he can blame coming down with a cold for his bad behavior at the airport, then blame the cold itself for barely speaking to me since, then it's possible he's calmed down and doesn't want to break up, but needs an excuse for the way he's been acting... too logical?

Makes sense to me.  No need to discuss the airport or his barely speaking since if you want peace.  I find letting things go is what will bring peace, bringing up things again will lead to escalation again.  So if you can, chalk it up to his emotional dysfunction and move forward. 
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #43 on: January 06, 2016, 01:59:49 PM »

I think you've hit on a good theory, Jessica. My husband loves to blame some external cause for his bad behavior: long line at the grocery store, traffic, somebody being rude to him, his back hurts, bills, customer support, the list is endless... .
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Jessica84
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« Reply #44 on: January 06, 2016, 02:07:48 PM »

Makes sense to me.  No need to discuss the airport or his barely speaking since if you want peace.  I find letting things go is what will bring peace, bringing up things again will lead to escalation again.  So if you can, chalk it up to his emotional dysfunction and move forward

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Yes, thank you. Exactly what I had in mind. I'm so over all this nonsense. I've vented here so I wouldn't with him. I'm ready to move forward. I hope this is him taking steps toward that. I guess I'll have to wait and see... .

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steve195915
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« Reply #45 on: January 06, 2016, 03:34:46 PM »

Makes sense to me.  No need to discuss the airport or his barely speaking since if you want peace.  I find letting things go is what will bring peace, bringing up things again will lead to escalation again.  So if you can, chalk it up to his emotional dysfunction and move forward

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Yes, thank you. Exactly what I had in mind. I'm so over all this nonsense. I've vented here so I wouldn't with him. I'm ready to move forward. I hope this is him taking steps toward that. I guess I'll have to wait and see... .

Using this forum to vent can be really helpful.  Our SO wBPD aren't capable of validating our feelings, they falsely accuse us of things we didn't do, and we have to deal with verbal or emotional abuse on a continual basis.  And if we defend ourselves, fight back, or set the record straight, it just leads to escalation.  We are such wonderful, caring and special people to give ourselves so much into a relationship with a pwBPD.  Just know you are awesome Jessica and I hope you get some peace and love you deserve!
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Jessica84
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« Reply #46 on: January 06, 2016, 03:54:21 PM »

Thank you Steve and same to you! I am so grateful for this community. Helps to know others understand and are willing to share their stories and advice. Most of my friends say "I wouldn't put up with that". Not very helpful. I get why they say it though. We put up with a lot, that's for sure!
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« Reply #47 on: January 06, 2016, 03:56:56 PM »

He doesn't have the emotional strength to deal with problems he creates or acknowledge his role.

So he blames something outside himself.

Better a cold than you.   

Either way, you can just let him use that (sucky) coping mechanism quietly, and not really engage with it.
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« Reply #48 on: January 07, 2016, 10:13:45 AM »

  The problem with this situation is I was stuck at an airport with him. Like a hostage. I stayed calm and tried to use my boundaries the best I could to "leave" the situation several times.   

 I would challenge you to think about this situation for "next time".  You can call your own cab or summon your own uber and take care of yourself.  If he is snarling at you in a public place, leave him.  However, reading through your thread it seems you bounced back pretty good.  So I'm not suggesting you did anything wrong.  Perhaps he may one day realize that there are very few times that you will accept bad behavior toward you, and that will help him point his anger (or whatever emotion) in the right direction.  Really glad the vacation went well!  

FF
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Jessica84
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« Reply #49 on: January 07, 2016, 08:48:59 PM »

Next time, FF? I shudder to think... . 

I totally agree. I had an escape plan ready if anything went wrong during the trip - get my own room, take different flight home. But this was the last day and everything was fine to that point. By the time his meltdown started, I couldn't leave - too far from home and stuck in bad weather. I couldn't wander too far from the gate because the plane could've come at any time, and they would board us quickly. No way of knowing when it would come. Staff wouldn't tell us anything. So... .gift shops and bathroom were my only real options.

Now he's "sick". Tonight he's "depressed". These are convenient conditions.   Sad and weird that being miserable would make him feel better... .but that's none of my business.
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