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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: My husband is a borderline  (Read 586 times)
zuu

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: January 02, 2016, 04:06:34 PM »

I am new here my husband is crazy ,I have been so upset.have left him.Now that I figured out he is a BPD,I want to help him and I can find a place in my heart to forgive him since what he is doing is not intentional.But he is totally unaware is there anything I can do to take him to a therapist,is there a medication I can give him mixed with something that can make him better?a little better to make him go to a doctor.
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Chilibean13
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2016, 08:06:53 AM »

Unfortunately there are no quick cures for this. It is a process that can take years and sometimes there is never a "cure". And sadly, you cannot fix him. He will have to put in the work. He will have to put in the time. He will have to stick with it. The therapy that is most popular for BPD is called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). My H will not go through DBT because he is tired of going to counseling, but he knows that his anger is an issue and he knows that his behavior (or my behavior depending on who he is blaming for the day) is causing resentment, hurt, and problems in our marriage. I have found some resources on DBT Self Help. I print out the articles and we read through them together. To him, we are doing something to improve our marriage TOGETHER and for me, he is learning new coping skills that he is actually trying to use.

There are medicaitons that can help. I'm not familiar with what specific medication often prescribed because my H doens't like to take medication. I know that SSRIs (Prozac, Sertraline), SNRIs (Effexor), tranquelizing medications (Seroquel), anxiety medications (Xanex, Klonopin), and mood stabilizers (Abilify) are common medications for various mental illnesses. But just remember that medications will not fix this. It will just help with some of the symptoms.


There are things you can do to make things better for you though. You can change the way you react to him. You can change the way you let him get to you. Again, this is a process too. It's up and down. I highly suggest that you start with the lessons on the right. You will learn a lot about BPD, what's going on with your pwBPD, and how to respond to them. YOu will also want to look at how you have contributed to the dysfunciton in your relationship. You are the healthy one, but at the same time, you have probably done things to add to the chaos. It's what we "non's" do. Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse.
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zuu

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2016, 04:59:27 AM »

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have been contributing because I thought he was intentionally hurting me,he did do horrible things.I couldn't just forgive him easily.You are right in that I have to first make an effort to stop making it worse.But I feel like at this point there is only one adult here and thats me.He lacks being an actual adult,that is just so so wrong ,he litreally has tantrums of a 2 yr old.He buys gifts for me and then throw them towards me and verbally abuse me,and its not enough he actually believed I was the one who is treating him bad and he tells everybody I am the crazy one,so I had to move,he is just getting worse everyday.I dont feel like he is the same person anymore.I feel as though he regressed from being an adult to a little child and this was at the time I needed his support.After bending over backwards through all my marriage if I once expected him to be there and what happens is that at the time of need hes the wrost he could be.

But thanks,I can forgive him because I loved him once,and I have kindness for him because he is alone and has no one besides us(me and our children).But he needs to see his faults too and I dont know if it will ever happen... .
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Herodias
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2016, 06:24:40 AM »

Zuu, how long have you been married? How is he with the kids? When did you start to notice he was different? Why do you think the tantrums started? Mine is 34 and has those same tantrums. They are all very similar. It's best if you get help - don't go together. You may or may not be able to get him into therapy. Drugs don't work for this... , can only calm them, but mine tended to overdose so it was worse. Mines an addict so that's why... Yours may be different. Sorry you are dealing with this- I know it's awful when you find out.
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Chilibean13
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2016, 07:29:46 AM »

I know those tantrums very well. My H also does the same. Just 2 days ago he couldn't find his glasses. He got mad after looking for them for about 5 min. He began to blame me for it and threatened to start throwing my things around the room. In the past I would have gotten angry and taken it personal, but I just continued to calmly help him look for them. Found them within a couple of minutes. Never got an apology.
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zuu

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2016, 05:08:12 PM »

This is our fourth year of marriage,the last year was so bad that he didn't even mention our wedding anniversary,locks himself in the room stays there all the time,doesn't talk doesn't do nothing,if i ask its a fight.And then I am blamed for him being like this,not talking to me for some reason he cooks up that day.

What triggered that I don't know he was always very different and complicated but in the times of stress he becomes totally paranoid and crazy. That's what has happened this time too but he is not coming back from that dark place now.I tried everything,on top of it he has not been intimate for 2 years,that just killed me! There is no reason for it... noting nada,,no initmacy,no talking ,no sharing nothing... .just him in his crazy black hole.This lead to the separation.

The tantrums were always there the one that you tell about sunglasses that same happened with me ,when he lost his keys.actually it always happens when he cant find something he is looking for,his cap.phone,keys etc.

I tried to contact him ,he is rseponding back this time as if everything is normal.lets see for how long it remains normal.I hope I am able to take him to the doctor before he goes crazy again.
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babyducks
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2016, 05:22:42 PM »

Hi zuu,

How much have you been able to read about the illness of BPD?  You are absolutely right, times of stress can make the disorder much worse.   

I would like to point out that the disorder of BPD has very very strong components of shame and self loathing.   It's completely understandable that you would want to help your husband.   How you approach it is critical.   The best approach is one that builds trust and reinforces whatever awareness your husband has.   

I'm going to attach a link.  When ever you are ready just clink on the green text and it will take you right to the section that will help you.

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

Chilibean raised a bunch of good points.  There is a lot to learn about this disorder.   It's complicated and for many a life long struggle.   While you are learning feel free to ask us questions, we understand what you are going through.

'ducks
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