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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Feeling low and abused today  (Read 482 times)
zerk

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: January 02, 2016, 11:49:06 PM »

HI all, first time to post, actually, I just found this site tonight.

I'm in a relationship with a woman I've been friends with for many years, we started as roommates and it became romantic... .her ex-husband and I were high school friends.

She's not been diagnosed with BPD... .but she showed me a check list from a book she has called Buddha and the Borderline, and I'd say she has about a 80-90% hit rate.  She claims her old therapist said she doesn't have BPD because she doesn't cut herself. Her ex and her sister have both told me they believe she has BPD.

Long story short I just got her on my health insurance (declaring her a domestic partner) and every time I suggest she go to therapy, there is resentment that I'm trying for a "quick fix" and don't really want to deal with all of the issues we have.  As to what those issues are, I feel at a loss... ."I don't hear her... .I don't see her... .I don't feel her... .I invalidate her... ." are all common complaints... .many times made while screaming and or crying.  Fear of abandonment... .she doesn't currently work, and if we break up (as I've tried to do on 2 occasions since October) she'll be homeless and alone... .and I would feel unimaginably guilty.

Tonight I feel in shock... .I'm shaking as I type this... .she is actually gone to help a friend for a little while... .it's the first real break I've had from her in weeks (as I said, she doesn't work, and I work from home... .we're almost always together... .a cycle I desperately need to find a way to break out of... .)... .Honestly I feel mentally abused... .

She woke me, screaming, this morning... .she was having a panic attack... .one caused by me not listening to her last night... .if I'd only have listened to the 3 things she asked for... .1) some music (which I immediately turned on)... .2) something to drink (when I asked what she wanted... .she broke... .she explained her breaking that I should have known by the way she kept telling me that she didn't know what she wanted, that she was stuck)... .and 3) for me to talk to her... .to engage her... .to make her feel wanted... .

Her asking me to talk to her now strikes fear into my heart... .if I don't say something fast enough, the tension mounts quickly and she panics... .wondering why I fear talking to her... .what is so wrong with her that I can't just talk to her like a human... .I've been there so many times over the last year... .I often freeze... .unable to talk... .on eggshells... .

A full 4 1/2 hours after she woke me today, I was able to leave home only because I had an appointment... .our discussions (she lying on the bathroom floor naked, crying, for part of them) went up until I left.  I know I can just walk out... .I did three days ago, but it ended in her threatening suicide and me cancelling my appointments and coming back home to stay with her.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I'm spent.  I love her dearly, but I'm in so much pain, as is she.  Any encouraging word or some advice anyone?
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leggomyeggshell
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2016, 10:09:47 AM »

I can relate to your situation because I also work from home and therefore am around her all the time as well.  She has trapped me in the house much the same way that you seem to be.  There's not really any solution except they tell "nons" to set boundaries and enforce them.  I've been horrible at doing this because I have unknowingly set precendents which now she expects me to follow which is why the disorder has been allowed to progress so far in my household to the point where I can't even leave the house anymore.  You aren't responsible if she has a panic attack over you not doing exactly as she says every moment.  She should get help for that if nothing else.  It took me many years to get her into therapy and only then under the premise that she is a victim and has ptsd.  I don't know that it is working (her therapy) but I can't say anything about it to her for fear she will stop going.  According to the BPDw the therapist hates me and wants us to break up, I'm not sure what to believe about that, so far all she has used it for is a sounding board to hurl additional insults at me.  They put her on a mood stabilizer but so far it hasn't helped at all.  Hopefully it gets better.
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ProKonig

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 49


« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2016, 12:39:49 PM »

The threatening suicide issue is a problematic one and makes the break up very different.

I'm on a bit of an experiment myself at the moment. Luckily we both have separate apartments, but before that we spent almost every night and day together. There was a massive breakdown which resulted in me having to end that situation. I had informed her friend about the possibility of needing support should I have to walk out the door prior to the a complete collapse due to extreme dysregulation from my partner. I refused to take responsibility for self-harm prevention because I don't want that as my role... .when you're at that stage, if she won't listen to me saying she needs professional help (you can't normalise it) then her friend might be able to encourage it.

Anyway, I moved back to my apartment and said she had to be responsible for taking care of her own mental health, it was doing no good having me as the source of help and the 'source' of her dysregulation. Anyway, long story short, she realised that taking care of herself is better for us and the relationship is greatly improving. She's seeing a counsellor and the time we spend together now has generally been 99% normal. As has been mentioned on this forum, you cannot force someone into therapy, but you can set your own boundaries in terms of what behaviour you can stand to be around. Being around someone who emotionally blackmails you with self-harm, makes you severely depressed, lose your sense of self and also forces you to break your own moral code is not exactly ideal. Now of course, responsibility for setting those boundaries falls on you because someone with BPD can't control their behaviour once they become dysregulated.

My suggestion is you have to make it very clear it is impossible for you to function as a couple while living in the same space. Where she goes is her problem, but maybe you need to find friends or family to offload on (depends on your situation). If you have to leave and make other arrangements, whatever. It seems clear to me you need to find a way of ending this living arrangement. Now, this doesn't mean breaking up with someone, but it does mean putting plans in place to make your life safer and easier. She MAY do what she has to... .but you just need to ask yourself the question, 'Should I be living in this situation?' If the answer is 'no', then you have to change something, and it probably isn't going to change by repeating more of the same.

Remove yourself from the situation and force her to think about her own happiness and decision-making. Maybe she'll make beneficial choices for herself... .and eventually for you. But you always have to be willing to pull the plug if that doesn't happen. One thing is for sure, if you aren't living with her, it'll be easily to do that if the changes you need to make your life better don't come.
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Chilibean13
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2016, 07:54:11 AM »

Leaving or not leaving is a choice that you wil need to come to. Sometimes its a choice you will want to make everyday.

As you are on the improving board I suspect you would like to see things work out between you and her. This site has been very helpful in teaching me new ways to react to my uBPDh. I still get very frustrated and he still blows up, but it does not affect me as much.

I suggest you start by reading through the lessons on the right side of the page. YOu will find lots of resources on what is going on inside the head of your pwBPD. You will also learn how to better respond, validate, and maintain your own sanity. You'll also learn how to take a look at yourself and how you have been contributing to the dysfunction in your relationship. Remember, before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse.

As for the time apart, I would highly suggest that you find activities outside the house. Join a church, a club, play a sport, etc. Anything you can do to give you time with other people to give you that break you need. Your pwBPD will probably dysregulate for the first few times you go, but explain to her your reasons and stick with it. An hour apart once a week is not a deal breaker.
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zerk

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2016, 02:48:05 PM »

@Chilibean, I guess I'm on the improving board for a few reasons... .yes I do want to see things work... .we're old friends, and I care about her... .but more than that I'm afraid... .I seriously don't see how she can survive on her own right now.  She needs help... .she's alienated almost all of her family and friends... .I'm pretty much all that's left of her support network.

And as much as I've been hurt, and as much as my life is being imposed upon, I realize she's sick... .she's not a bad person... .she needs help.

I'd love to be able to spend some time apart and see how things go... .finances don't make it possible right now, unless I kick her out of our apartment. 

I think my first step is going to be to get myself help... .to go to a therapist who has experience with BPD/DBT and work on getting myself in order, setting boundaries, learning how to communicate, etc. 

Thank you all for your responses... .in some ways it helps already to see other peoples stories, and how they mirror parts of mine.
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Knight
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 64



« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2016, 03:01:21 PM »

Wow.  Zerk, you are in a tough spot.  You care about her and you endure her wrath.  I felt like a hostage in my own house with my exBPDgf there.  Not knowing what I can possibly say to avoid her rage which is always just under the surface.  You could try validating her I suppose.  That might work for the short term. I'd suggest you try to learn as much as you can about BPD.  But never tell her she's mentally ill or has BPD.  I made that mistake too and found it did more harm than good. My house is a million times more peaceful when she's not there.  Sounds like yours is too.
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Ceruleanblue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2016, 04:39:48 PM »

Yes, get in therapy yourself. It's hard when you can't get away from it, and you are always afraid of what to say or what not to say. Lots of us have been there.

Just don't let your compassion for her keep you tied into something you aren't truly wanting. You can want to help her, but she won't seek help until she hits bottom, or decides she wants the help. My BPDh was in DBT in I couldn't say it did much good, probably because he didn't apply himself. He even twisted the facts, and said I'd suggested DBT to his psychiatrist, which I did not do.

Learn the tools here, find which ones work for you, read some books on BPD, and if she's able, talk to her about it. You said SHE mentioned the Buddha and BPD book, maybe that could be your opening. Have you read the book? I haven't, but maybe that would be an opening for you to open a dialogue with her?
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