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Author Topic: Pls someone tell me there BPD does this?  (Read 1037 times)
Lou12
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« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2016, 04:21:21 AM »

I have to say my biggest fear with the ST is knowing if they will actually return or not. This I find the hardest aspect to deal with
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

VitaminC
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« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2016, 04:25:35 AM »

We decided to put whatever happened the last couple of weeks behind us. No explanation, no apology, no acknowledgement nothing. I let it all go and decided it was best to discuss when we were in each other company.

I sent a message last night. Very sweet saying 'good night, miss you'. The message was read and totally ignored!

... .or he's already gone into that zone where I'm dead to him.

Lou,

I've read this entire thread and there's some great insights here, but I had to respond to the above in your post.

I too started to do this at some point - just drop whatever it was and continue as normal. I think that was the beginning of the end for me, because I knew the reasons it was being dropped by me and by him were different. For me it was the realisation that we would just never sort it out, whatever it was, however trifling the incident that started it - we would never agree on what even one problem was and the agree on how to move forward at least on that.

The more I did this, left things lie and just move on, the worse I felt about myself. The more I was denying what I needed: understanding, communication, being seen and heard. I knew that I was agreeing to one thing only in reality, and that was that how I felt about something just didn't matter, first to him and then, eventually, to me.

As for sending sweet texts, yea, me too. The number of times I've sent something that in a different mode of his mind he would go soft over, but that he would (while in the 'dead zone' either ignore or pretend to not understand or reply to in a way that made it seem ridiculous... .

If this is a pattern of behaviour, then the only question for me, finally, was if I wanted to be with someone who just didn't give a damn how I felt and at times would actively seek to hurt me. Over nothing.

It took quite a lot of this kind of abuse, and I use the word deliberately, before I was finally able to walk away from it.
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Lou12
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« Reply #32 on: January 05, 2016, 05:21:19 AM »

Hi Vit, thank you for replying. I definitely need to firm up my boundaries in this area alright. I know I have my own issues with abandonment that I need to deal with as I am sure this will help. It's funny because the boundaries I am so firm on, he wouldn't even attempt to push. He knows bring females into the equation is a no no as well as trying to get me to move the relationship on is not going to happen. It's like the are able to read that you will not budge on that boundary so it's pointless playing with it. Maybe I need to take something from that about respect.

I hope I don't appear the victim here with my post? I do let him away with things due to his BPD such as leaving him alone during mood swings, letting him push boundaries on saying he'll call when he doesn't but in all honestly I let him away with those things because they don't bother me so much.

The respect thing and acting like he's not bothered on the other hand infuriated me. I did cut him off for 8 days until I have calmed myself down enough to move on from it. I suspect I am know being punished for not making contact for 8 days with another ST so I am going about my business and leaving him be with the help of all my support  here on this site.

I do have a lot of control over the relationship, more than he likes so I am certainly not not getting my needs met. But you are right I need to knock certain behaviours on the head before they escalate and I am in the process of doing so.

I don't want to give him up, I love him.

Anyone who knows me knows I am a strong, assertive, confidant and happy person. In the two years we have been together I can honestly say the only thing I have become is stronger. He has taught me more about myself and others than anyone has. I do not intend to enter his world . I know he's mentally disordered and I have to take more bs from him than the average Joe but he has his good points as well. Let him try and be disrespectful to me in front of me... he wouldn't dare because he needs me to much. When I am gone and I am not their to reassure him with presence the games begin.

I am certainly not making excuses for him though, some of his behaviours drive me potty.

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Lou12
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« Reply #33 on: January 05, 2016, 05:30:23 AM »

Anyways Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) surely I must be doing something right if I've sent him straight into another ST Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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VitaminC
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« Reply #34 on: July 12, 2016, 12:41:29 PM »

Anyways Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) surely I must be doing something right if I've sent him straight into another ST Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Ha, I just remembered something he said to me once after a 4 week ST: "I thought you might hear my silence, since you didn't hear my words".

Gobsmacked I was. With a normal person one could have had a discussion that lasted for days about all the underlying assumptions and histories and mechanisms that were at play in such an idea, but with a BPD the only thing to do was let it go

I just could not put up with that level of crazy thinking and disregard.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #35 on: July 12, 2016, 01:02:22 PM »

Excerpt
Example such as; You have a disagreement, they give you silent treatment and then you send them a long note basically telling them 'dont be angry anymore, you know how much I care for you, pls don't put trust issues between us, I miss and love you' etc etc and you get a reply staying 'erm I'm not angry with you I was just busy'! Arghh they have just let you pour out your soul and come back with something that makes you feel like an over reacting, crazy fool! I actually went bright red with embarrassment when I read it.

Oh I actually wish my GF said something like that. It would be heaven compared to what I get sometimes. The nicest thing she would say to that is "OK that's nice".

If she wants to drive you even more nuts she will respond with more craziness like... ."I know you will hate me for this but I don't feel like cooking dinner tonight. Im sorry for hurting you so bad for that".  Why does this drive me nuts? Because I never asked her to cook and I don't give a S$*# if she cooks. She is not my slave and I have never acted upset about something like that. She slaps this abusive and patriarch man label that cares about dinner on the table more than her which is a label I DO NOT deserve.

Or she could just go back to the argument over that and say... .You love me? Did you love me when you didn't text me when you first woke up in the morning? You don't love me.
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VitaminC
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« Reply #36 on: July 12, 2016, 01:17:00 PM »

If she wants to drive you even more nuts she will respond with more craziness like... ."I know you will hate me for this but I don't feel like cooking dinner tonight. Im sorry for hurting you so bad for that".  Why does this drive me nuts? Because I never asked her to cook and I don't give a S$*# if she cooks. She is not my slave and I have never acted upset about something like that. She slaps this abusive and patriarch man label that cares about dinner on the table more than her which is a label I DO NOT deserve.

Parallel universes.
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adaw
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« Reply #37 on: August 14, 2016, 04:44:04 PM »

Yes they do.
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samanthagrace

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« Reply #38 on: August 21, 2016, 09:11:26 PM »

YES! It's something I have such a huge issue with, and reading this makes me realize that it probably plays a huge roll in why I constantly wonder if I'M the one with the problem. If we are fighting eventually I'll send a LONG text (he likes to call them "essays" to mock me) usually pleading for forgiveness and trying to explain myself for whatever it is I did wrong, then he likes to ignore it for a good amount of time and then start a conversation about something COMPLETELY RANDOM like I didn't just pour my heart out.

I even tried calling him out on it, he started talking to me about a TV show he started watching after ignoring me following a fight, and I said something like "it's weird how you're talking like I'm not upset about anything." and he came back angry saying he was just trying to have a casual conversation to get rid of tension but of course "that isn't possible because I always do this." But he completely ignored everything I said about our disagreement and we didn't resolve anything. Then I'm made to feel like the crazy one because I can't just pretend it never happened.
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isilme
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« Reply #39 on: August 22, 2016, 10:34:52 AM »

I see the silent treatment as the "push" part of push/pull, and really, don't reach out much when it's going on.  I take that time to do things I need to do, and after a short time, if we are both at work, I will check on him simply by asking something innocuous and non-emotionally charged, like "lunch?" in a message, and that's it.   

Part of my reaction is simple self-preservation - by the time we have hit silent treatment, a rage has just passed and I need a break from the roller coaster and so I take it.  If he's willing to back off and stop yelling, screaming, whatever, fine - please, do stop, do leave the room/house, because it's not based on rational issues but uncontrolled, unregulated emotions often tapping into things that have nothing to do with me (work stress, a rude friend, unresolved family issues, childhood abandonment, etc.).  I see little reason anymore to waste time pointing out his misconceptions during or immediately after a rage.  It does no good for either of us - we might as well be speaking different languages at that point. 

Another part is less "nice", and if he runs away to make me "chase" him like an angry teenaged girl, I refuse.  That is not a game I want to play, so I won't. 

I see long texts, notes, whatever, as simply fueling the issue, and honestly, I have hit a point where I rarely feel any action of mine, save maybe a poorly timed non-validation (I'll miss the warning signs and correct him when he tells me how I feel) could cause the level of anger that a rage blow up incurs.  I don't know it it's just a numbness I've cultivated, or a form of radical acceptance, or what. 

He will rage, give me silent treatment in direct proportion to the level of shame he feels about the blow up, and then with 12-36 hours dependent on his shame level, we are usually back to 'normal', regardless of if I reach out or not.  If I reach out too soon, it cold trigger another rage, or lengthen the shame period/silent period.  So I leave him be, let him try to self soothe and most days just let it blow over.

I know after a rage, he feels ashamed of how he acted, which leads to him not wanting to talk to me.  But we've been working on this for a long, long time, and seeing the cycles helps me not take as much to heart when it happens.

Notes don't help.  If you want to write out your feelings, a place like this, or a journal will help you, but it's not a good way, IMO, to try to communicate your feelings with your pwBPD during a silent treatment phase.  It' just wastes your time and give them ammo for the next dysregulation.
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k-a-r

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« Reply #40 on: September 01, 2016, 02:33:07 AM »

Ah yes, my BPD boyfriend does this. He will throw a temper tantrum and leave or break up with me, and then I will text him, attempting to mend things and he will reply with something like "We will be okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow" or something like that very nonchalant and making me feel like I am overreacting
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