Kids finally met her affair partner

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am surprised it has taken this long, but my kids have finally met her affair partner.   They stayed at his house, and he has been staying with them at my exs home.  I knew it was coming, but it feels like a kick in the teeth.  I found out from the kids when I picked them up today.

[SES]

I am surprised it has taken this long, but my kids have finally met her affair partner.   They stayed at his house, and he has been staying with them at my exs home.  I knew it was coming, but it feels like a kick in the teeth.  I found out from the kids when I picked them up today.

[Turkish]

I can imagine that it does feel that way.  

How old are your kids, and how long has it been since the seperation? Any feedback from the children?

Every credible source I've read (and my T) said that the kids should be told the truth, age-appropriately (and minus editorializing). It isn't simple if the cheating parent isn't truthful. My ex lied to S5 n why she left. I corrected her lie of "I moved out because the house was messy" to, "Mommy and Daddy didn't love each other anymore," to which he replied, "But Mommies and Daddies belong together." Wisdom from the mouths of babes... .And I said, "I know they do Buddy, but sometimes things happen." He seemed to be satisfied by that. Our daughter was then 2.

S was barely 4 and D was 1.5 when she moved out almost two years ago.

[SES]

Thanks.  Yes, it hit me hard.  My kids know she had an affair with him, she was having an affair with him for a yrar whilst we all lived together.  She made selling our house hatd, and prolinged the pain, whilst rubbing my nise in it.   Iam surprised how long she has taken to introduce them to him.  Her relationship has been in and off...   At one point she found out he had cheated on her with seven otger women.   Clearly she has been able to put that behind her.   The lsst few days have been hard...   A reminder of the last couple of years pain... .which seems non stop.

[milo1967]

I've been through the same: it's hell. I divorced my XW because of her unrelenting affair with this guy and when she finally realized I was seriously going through with the divorce, she moved in with him and the kids mere weeks after she introduced them. That was two years ago and it's been two years of agony: while my kids (8 and 11) don't know about the affair, they dislike him and he does not like, let alone love my children. XW has delegated all authority to him including discipline, and they steadily alienate them against me--even in front of the children. Fortunately my children adore me so it has not been successful and they both want to live primarily with me. A few weeks ago I almost came to blows with the AP, but I was able to maintain control as I do not want to coparent from jail or a hospital.

Hang in there and stay as low-contact as possible. It's going to be a rough ride.

[livednlearned]

Oof, that is hard.

It's hard that your kids might attach to this person who disrupted your marriage, and in BPD relationships, it can also be hard knowing that the attachment won't last. Suddenly the person is gone in a puff of black smoke.   And the kids have to pick up the pieces and move on.

It does seem counter-BPD to wait so long to introduce. Perhaps he didn't want to initiate the relationship with the kids? If he wanted to meet the kids, it could also be that she rebuffed him in order to keep some degree of control.

Affair partners allow a strange degree of shady intimacy, where you only get to see certain angles, glimpses here and there of the person, not in their actual environment. Maybe she was holding him at arm's length because it gave her the emotional distance she wanted. A control thing?

Who knows.

I'm sorry it hurts so much, SES. Sometimes it feels like there is no end to the grief.  :'(

[SES]

Thanks... .Yea, it's great knowing my kids are now step kids to the man she had an affair with.  She is with him despite finding out from his friends that he cheated on her with seven other women (when they were supposed to be together).  When we were still living together they were on and off a few times.  The kids had presents from his parents at Xmas, so it seems like she is making a go of it.  I am surprised it has taken her this long.  I am also surprised she hasn't ended up with someone else.  My only hope is that she makes his life the misery she made mine... .Unfortunately that just demonstrates how bitter i still feel.

I am going to try mediation with her re childcare.  Had the pre mediation meeting, which i was .told that she reported I was a good father... .my reply was, why did she make false allegations of child abuse about me a few weeks ago.  The mediator felt she is offering an olive branch... I advised that she just wanted another opportunity to make more false allegations about me. I hope mediation helps... .but I feel I am now overdue another set of allegations.