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Author Topic: How to deal with your friendships outside of the pwBPD?  (Read 540 times)
Notwendy
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« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2016, 06:44:49 PM »

I agree, and I think there is a learning curve. Having had no explanation for my mother's behavior for decades, finding an answer was like turning the light on after being raised in the dark. I know I read every book I could get my hands on at first, but don't read them anymore.

Being a bit "off " without me being able to put my finger on it is exactly how I felt about my H and my marriage, yet compared to my mother, that "off " was so small I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't even think males could have BPD - I thought it was females only. I did read the book "Shadow Syndromes" about people who would not have a diagnosis, but could have some traits that might cause issues in relationships. Couple that with the fact that I was raised in a BPD family and it all started to click. Learning about BPD has shed a lot of light on the "fleas" I have and how this influenced my behaviors.

This forum also helps to validate me in some way, as again, being raised with "mom is normal" left me to doubt my own ideas and impressions. But yes, we should not let the behaviors of a disordered person run our lives.

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« Reply #31 on: January 14, 2016, 01:54:51 AM »

Notwendy -

I haven't read all of these posts, but the travel with friends thing, the Bpd mother and family, the not knowing what Bpd is but knowing something was wrong thing... .I feel like you have lived my life! Everything you're talking about I'm like yep, yes, ugh-huh, exactly!

Thank you. Your posts have been educational and validating! But what's funny is with Bpd family members they also leave you feeling invalidated as well - ironic so it's like the cycle continues on... .Trying to learn to break it.

And on a positive note my 2nd cousin came to town, she needed watching, I had her for almost 10 hours and had a fun day for her... .Positive aspect was I wa being very mindful and validating... .For example she was like I should buy something for my sister and I would validate to her that is very sweet of you to think of your sister that she may feel left out. And it just kept happening - so highlight of the day I am learning to validate better even if in my marriage it feels like I'm not moving forward in my progress with hBPD. It was pretty evident today for me anyway!

Thanks everyone and this site!
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« Reply #32 on: January 14, 2016, 02:14:38 AM »

Excerpt
Is it any wonder why we are classified as just too much hard work and frustrating to be around?

To maintain healthy friendships we need to be more accepting of the disorder, realistic and open about it without constantly seeking council or venting to anyone who will listen. Others need to see that we are not part of it, nor consumed by it, but rather that we are supporting someone who is. Trying to block, or cover it up, out of embarrassment makes us feel lessor and ultimately fails.

An analogy would be couples who have no kids tend to get fed up of their friends endlessly talking about what little Johnny and Lucinda have been up to on a daily basis, or how to get baby poo out of the sheets. barfy. At the other end of the scale you cant deny you have kids and pretend it doesn't affect your life with endless dramas. It all comes down to balance.

You can't let BPD consume your life, which is why outside of this forum I no long read up or research it, rarely do I ever attempt to explain it anymore.

Waverider -

Spot on. This should be read by everyone. This had an impact and is very clear!

Also the excuse thing about your wife. I didn't know that was part of it but now makes all the sense in the world. Every time he would go smoke a cigarette (ashamed about smoking, hides it from his parents, hid it from me for months, or who knows how long... .) he always will make excuses to go outside to smoke, but will always say, need to get groceries, do you want a movie tonight, or I need to go grab... .Always comes back smelling like smoke and I started catching on and would say "why don't you just say you're going for a smoke?"

And when parents visit - no smoking as often, only at work. Guilt and shame from his super religious upbringing. - could that be a factor in Bpd! Not the lying hiding part or excuses, but very religious, up right, don't read Harry Potter he will bring the devil into your home, finatics - can that cause fully and shame and judgments and maybe help a person become Bpd? I mean I know my husbands mom has BPD she's in DBT and has a classic walking on eggshells Bpd upbringing... .

Just curious if the very strict religious practices could be a correlation.

Even my possible Bpd mother Went to catholic school with very abusive nuns, can seeing that also reinforce Bpd characteristics even if they weren't abused but saw it. She just told me a story today about a nun slamming a kids head in his tables cubby and smacking him on the back with a ruler! What the ... .And my dads cousin also having been schooled by nuns agreed to the kind of violence that she too observed.
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waverider
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« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2016, 03:19:30 AM »

Just curious if the very strict religious practices could be a correlation.

If rigid conforming is part of someones upbringing they soon learn that keeping up a facade is paramount, this leads to truth being a poor cousin to perception.

Rigid conformity is often the face of role models projecting their ideals onto their charges. Wanting someone else to live up to yours can be seen as seeking validation of your own standards.

You can only live up to your own ideals, if you attempt to meet someone else's you will fail, and feel the need to fake it just to appease. It is one way the traits are passed down.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2016, 05:25:03 AM »

I think rigid conforming in a family is the main idea.

This could be played out in various family cultures: strict religion, not showing emotions, WOE around a disordered person, living up to expectations, having a narcissistic parent project on to them

It means being invested in putting on a mask- hiding who you are. I think it also involves being shamed as a child- for being a human, a child.

Religion isn't necessarily the problem, but in a disordered family it can involve shaming and fear " you will go to Hell for spilling that milk", or arguing with a sibling or being shamed about sexual feelings.

For my family, we were not particularly strict about religion but had to maintain the "mother is normal" image and WOE around her.

These family "cultures" can be intergenerational and they can pass on the behaviors, because behaviors learned in childhood feel normal to them, and they can attract another person who grew up in a family like this as a partner.

Because children are unique and have their own personality and resilience, not all children raised in these kinds of families will have BPD. It is a spectrum. The behaviors they learn in their FOO may have worked for them in their FOO, but they can cause issues later with other people. So in the same family where one child may have BPD traits, others may have co-dependency traits.  This is one reason that I was motivated to work on myself once I understood my mother and the family patterns in my FOO.

I attend ACOA groups and one topic is "religious abuse". Children form their own image of God based on their parents. This makes sense, because to a child, the most powerful and all knowing person in their world is their parents. A disordered or abusive parent can present an abusive model of religion to a child. As adults, we form our own ideas of God based on mature abstract thinking. Some of the members of my group have worked on forming different ideas of religion not based on what was presented in their FOO.
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