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Author Topic: I'm so sick of this life  (Read 588 times)
Cloudy Days
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« on: January 05, 2016, 08:46:58 AM »

I don't know what to do. My husband has insisted for the last couple of years that he wants to move to another state. He wants to smoke pot legally and right now he is on probation so he cannot smoke it at all. I support Pot as a medical support for him. He's on prescribed medication and frankly it doesn't do much. However I do not trust him enough to move. I have told him over and over again, I need to see that he is a good man, who I can trust not to hurt me and I will consider moving. He's not touched me physically for a long time however there is still verbal abuse. He clams pot is his savior of sorts, which I have seen him both on it and off it and I certainly prefer him on it. But I just don't feel comfortable moving. I've thought about divorce for the last year. He's now threatening to leave me so that he can move. It's not the first time I have heard this kind of talk. I never know if he is serious. I think he certainly is in the moment. I am just so done with it all.

I feel that he will never move on his own. So it's like we are stuck. He wants to move but won't and I sort of want a divorce because he's so miserable most of the time, it just makes me miserable. We are both being held back by the other but neither of us wants to make the first move. I've considered moving, I really have on a serious level. We literally just bought a house 6 months ago. So if we sell our house we would lose money. It seems very foolish to try and sell it now. Money is tight, I don't know that I can even handle living there on my own. I wish we had never bought the place, but I can't take it back now.

He's threating me, saying he wants all of his money from his check (it goes into a joint account to pay bills) He spends money on cigarettes and alcohol. He gets more spending money than I do and I contribute more. He acts as if it is not fair that he has to pay for things too. I just don't know how to deal with any of it anymore. I get sick of living with someone who never likes me, who says he hates me even. He told me this morning that he hoped I got into a car accident and died. How do I deal with all of this.
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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2016, 10:42:24 AM »

My husband is also on probation, and there are strict rules about moving to another state. Most p.o.'s won't even let you talk about it unless you have a really good reason to want to move, such as a new job, or a employer transferring you. Even if your p.o. does approve, there's lots of paperwork and long wait times as the current state and receiving state evaluate the case. Sometimes tge receiving state will put the kybosh on a transfer simply because their caseworkers are already overloaded.

Sometimes people get it in their minds that moving will take care of their various problems and pain. They dont see that the problems are within themselves and it will really be just the same old crap in a new location.

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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2016, 11:01:58 AM »

He is on federal probation and he already asked about it, his probation officer said all she has to do is put in a request and since he has been good she said it wouldn't be a problem at all. I have a job offer I could take, I just don't want to take it. She said they can't really deny his wife from wanting to take a job especially if he has behaved and he has.

I get that his problems will not change in a new place. There is not telling him that, but the fact of the matter is, he could get pot in another state. It would make things easier to deal with because he would stop drinking. alcohol doesn't show up on a drug test. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to move to another state with someone I don't trust. I've explained this to him, and he doesn't change. I've been feeling like what is the point of staying with him, he doesn't trust me and I don't trust him, separate issues of trust of course but still we don't trust each other.

How do I deal with threats he makes. Currently he is telling me to pick him up a 30 pack of beer or he will go get a bottle of whisky. Neither is preferable and we are broke. If I buy him something at least I have control over what he drinks. He always gives me these lose/lose ultimatums. It's so unfair.

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TheRealJongoBong
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« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2016, 11:57:12 AM »

You're a strong woman to put up with this for as long as you have. Would you take the job offer if it were only yourself going?
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2016, 12:07:22 PM »

Not at this time I wouldn't. But mainly because I just bought a house. I also would rather it be in a different state. There will be more job offers. I work for a company that has 50 branches and they have openings all the time, they much rather hire from within the company. I cannot move up in the position I am in, I would have to move near a branch. So at some point I probably will move, I just don't want to right now.
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« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2016, 03:27:54 PM »

How do I deal with threats he makes. Currently he is telling me to pick him up a 30 pack of beer or he will go get a bottle of whisky. Neither is preferable and we are broke. If I buy him something at least I have control over what he drinks. He always gives me these lose/lose ultimatums. It's so unfair.

That is a simple one. (Simple is not EASY!) My answer would be: "I won't buy you alcohol. Whether you buy it for yourself or not is your choice, and you deal with the consequences of your own choice." I would not participate in any more discussion of the subject.

When it is a lose/lose choice, don't play that game.




I really wanted to talk about the bigger picture... .here goes.

You sound stuck.

You sound frustrated.

The best way out of it is to accept the world as it is (your husband, your marriage, your house, money lost, or not, etc.) and make your choices.

When you think that there *should* be a better choice than the ones that actually exist for you, it puts you in this state.

You cannot control whether he changes. You cannot control whether he is nice to you. You cannot control whether he drinks. You cannot control whether he smokes pot. You cannot control the laws about medicinal pot in your state. You cannot control the costs of selling a house you just bought. You cannot even control whether he leaves and moves elsewhere or not.

If you think you can control any of these things, it will mess with your head!

You can control whether you take a new job, either where you live or elsewhere.

You can control whether you move to a new state or not, and if you invite your husband to go with you or not.

If you make big changes (like selling the house or splitting), there will be financial costs and consequences. They may well be worth it.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2016, 11:19:57 AM »

I get that I can't change him or control him or control laws. I don't actually want to leave my job. That is kind of the point. My husband is pushing me to move, it's a constant thing and I have been firm about saying No. We just bought this house it makes no sense to move right now. Nothing has changed since we bought the house other than he has lived in it and the newness has worn off. If he wanted to divorce me and move to another state, he should have made up his mind before we bought a house together. If he wants a divorce, then he needs to just do it already, I am tired of hearing about it. He's now dropped the moving and me taking a job with the same company and just wants me to quit my job so he can move in with his brother. His brother is a step up from him but still has emotional problems. I said hell no, I will not be taking care of two of you, his brother has always had a woman take care of him to help him pay rent and the likes. I find it ridiculous with my husbands trust issues that he would think that this would even work.

I have told him he can move, but I am not moving. I will sell the house and find a cheaper place to live and he can go do what he pleases with his life. He wants me to move with him is what it amounts to and I don't want to move. So he's going to keep challenging me to move with him and getting mad that I won't. It's been like this for a long time.
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« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2016, 11:47:54 AM »

Another one on the list of things you cannot control.

You cannot control whether he moves out / divorces you or not either.

And I'd note that his prior history seems to point toward abusive behavior and idle threats, as opposed to real actions.

If you want to stay where you are in the house you are in and not have him there... .the only way you are likely to get that to happen within a decade is to "be the bad guy" and kick him out / divorce him yourself.

If you don't change anything yourself, he's likely to continue pushing you to make bad choices to shake up your life with him that won't improve anything. (Like quitting and moving in with his brother) Then get mad at you when you say you won't.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2016, 01:01:35 PM »

I think the only reason this is an idle threat is because he doesn't have the money or support to move to another state without me. Which is why he is pushing so hard for me to do it with him.

Also I can't stay in the house I am in and not have him here, I can't afford it. I would have to sell the house either way, whether we move or divorce. My main concern is that I have asked him to just wait a year or so. So we can build a bit of equity and fix up the things we wanted but he's not stopping with the moving crap. He keeps sending me houses in Long Beach, California (where his brother lives). I don't respond to them as they are through text. I don't actually want a divorce, he just keeps saying he wants to move, or that he wants a divorce. Which makes me want one because I can't deal with hearing about it all the time.

The moving behavior seems to get worse in the winter because he hates the cold weather but it should be noted he is not happier in the summer either. He has been depressed for months and he always blames it on where he lives.

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« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2016, 01:50:36 PM »

Your husband make ME tired. 
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2016, 02:24:11 PM »

Your husband make ME tired. 

Lol, I get tired just reading my posts sometimes. I wish I could go back to the days where life wasn't this complicated.
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2016, 03:54:29 PM »

You sound really unhappy with the status quo.

Are you willing to put some hard work into changing it?

Either working hard on your side of your marriage, practicing tools and skills, to make things better, or making hard choices to change something?

If your feeling is "I'm stuck here and can't do anything about it" you are going to stay uhappy.
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« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2016, 04:02:56 PM »

I think you are feeling the strain of living under the landslide of neediness.

It probably never ends one demand after the next, no matter the individual resolutions it never really resolves the drive for 'need".

You can't stop the conflicts but you can simplify them so your head doesn't spin as much.

Bring them back to what you want. eg You are not willing to move because it is not right for you and you dont want to. If you allow it to get down to the pros and cons he will just keep pushing until you cave to try to avoid conflict. With that comes resentment and that  almost guarantees failure.

As far as the buying alcohol situation goes, if he pressures you by using the "least harmful"  argument to get your compliance you must ignore this. By being part of it you normalize it, and next time he will take it for granted you will comply and raise you one. it will be hard for you to establish constant boundaries you are comfortable with. You will be stuck in constant compromise. I got stuck in the that loop for years over various issues, its maddening.

You have every right to do what feels right by you.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2016, 11:35:18 AM »

I think you are feeling the strain of living under the landslide of neediness.

It probably never ends one demand after the next, no matter the individual resolutions it never really resolves the drive for 'need".

I think I just get sad because he is never happy. I know he will always want something, and it just never ends. The moment he gets what he wants, he starts thinking about what else he wants. It's exhausting sometimes. To be fair things have gotten better, I don't put it on myself to solve all of his problems anymore. When I first posted this question he was raging and I usually feel very overwhelmed when he does it. I wasn't even home. He ended up saying don't worry about the alcohol thing. He uses it as a pain management, which is counterproductive.

I just know I could be completely happy in the home that we bought and he looks for anything bad about it. So I can't really even enjoy what I like about the home because there is always him bringing up something that needs fixed, that doesn't really need fixed. He's a perfectionist and if it's not perfect then it's not good enough for him.

I feel like I can't even relax because I always have to talk to him about moving. I have told him so many times that I am not going to move right now. It's not out of the question for the future but I don't want to look at houses. We have a house, I don't want to talk about where we are going to live because we have a home, we live here right now. He just doesn't stop with it. He's constantly looking on his phone for places to rent. He talks casually about how we are going to do this and that when we move. And I'm just looking at him like, we aren't moving!

We went through this when we were renting and he wanted to buy a house he did it for two years. I had to tell him, those houses will not be for sale a year or two from now when we can actually buy a house. We had to get our finances in order and come up with a down payment. He would get angry at me because I wasn't looking for houses. It has started all over again but this time it is in a different state. To me this is insanity.
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« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2016, 12:15:14 PM »

I think the only reason this is an idle threat is because he doesn't have the money or support to move to another state without me. Which is why he is pushing so hard for me to do it with him.

I don't actually want a divorce, he just keeps saying he wants to move, or that he wants a divorce. Which makes me want one because I can't deal with hearing about it all the time.

The moving behavior seems to get worse in the winter because he hates the cold weather but it should be noted he is not happier in the summer either. He has been depressed for months and he always blames it on where he lives.

Basically, he is bullying you into making a poor financial choice so he can be happy and stoned. Everyone is more pleasant stoned.

This is a suggestion. Let him go, get you a roommate.

He will be gone and give you a break. During that time be aware that you may miss him but also... .you may realize how amazing it is to not have an abusive man abusing you.

If you make a poor financial decision based on his need to smoke pot. Re-read that last incomplete sentence so it sinks in. It would be like a teenager running your life.

Sure, he is more pleasant on pot, but also, he may be amping the anger/rage just so you say, "here, here take all my cash and drink/get high, I can't stand you sober."

What does all this say about you? You don't like him sober.

Can you please give us the qualities that make this person worth moving to another state for and also what makes him worth staying with even though he abuses you verbally and seems like he used to physically? I want to know, because most of us here are enduring some kind of pain at our lovers' hands and it makes me wonder WHY?

What is worth more, a sound financial choice or what peace of mind you will get if you move?

How much peace of mind can you anticipate?

You already know my opinion on what is worth more... .you are worth more.

Also, if you already chose not to move go along with the BS.

"WOW, that house is so cute, when we move it will be such nice weather. I can't wait to move. Oh, man... .I wish we could move sooner. I WISH we could. I can't wait... ." 

IF you give him this he may realize you're toying with him but he won't be able to do a thing about it because its what he wants. If he is too dumb to notice or you think he will use the statement to get you to move sooner, you just act like you wish you could but can't as if he were asking you to fly.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #15 on: January 07, 2016, 01:25:58 PM »

I had the opportunity to let him go last year and I just couldn't do it. He was gone for 4 months while getting a mental evaluation. It's a long story but is the reason he is on probation. I truly missed him.

He takes care of our dogs while I am not home (totally a dog person and so am I), he likes a lot of the same things I like, he kisses me after dinner every night and says thank you. He makes me laugh, he's a good lover, He thinks of me and does small gestures that he doesn't have to. Like saving his take out meals so I can have an awesome lunch the next day, or he surprised me with a great Christmas gift. He will wake me up in the middle of the night with a hug and a kiss just to say he loves me. I do get something out of him, he's not always annoying. He just has more mood swings when he is sober. He was truly supportive of both me and my mother when my Dad died. I cut my finger badly the other day and he helped me stop the bleeding and took care of me. He asks how I am doing throughout the day. He hypes the dogs up before I get home because he knows I love it when they go nuts for me... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), He's not all bad, or I wouldn't have stayed for this long.

To me I do see the Pot as more of a medicine, he has been diagnosed with Brain Damage and Fibromyalgia. He has headaches all the time, I think most days he has a head ache and he doesn't like the pain pills he can get because they have caffeine in them. I really think it is a shame that he can take pills that make him shake and loose feeling in his hands but he can't smoke pot. I don't see it as an escape as much as a treatment for someone it would help. This is why I struggle with it. Yes it is getting high, I am no stranger to what it does. I am someone who watched her father die of alcoholism because he used it to numb his pain, Both physical and emotional. I don't drink because of it, but pass me a joint and I will surly partake. I live in a state that will be one of the last to be legalized, we have some of the strictest laws of the country. That is why moving is on the table.

I also don't like my job much, I can't imagine keeping it for the rest of my life. So moving is not out of the question, it just isn't in the cards for right now. I have told him over and over again.
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« Reply #16 on: January 07, 2016, 03:11:12 PM »

Projection of inner chaos on to external physical issues means that if a pwBPD can apply a quick fix to these external issues it will solve their problems. Unfortunately the real issue is internal not external so it doesn't work, so the projection switches to something else. The endless search for a fix creates a permanent state of frustration and hopelessness.

The problem with neediness it is not about the issue at hand, that is just a vehicle to voice a needy feeling. Neediness is a process that can't be fulfilled, it just transfers to something else if that need is fulfilled. What they really want is the action of someone/something giving, it is not about having. It is ongoing. It is their source of validation.

Trying to fulfill this constant demand will drain you of everything you have, and have negligable end result.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2016, 03:40:23 PM »

Projection of inner chaos on to external physical issues means that if a pwBPD can apply a quick fix to these external issues it will solve their problems. Unfortunately the real issue is internal not external so it doesn't work, so the projection switches to something else. The endless search for a fix creates a permanent state of frustration and hopelessness.

The problem with neediness it is not about the issue at hand, that is just a vehicle to voice a needy feeling. Neediness is a process that can't be fulfilled, it just transfers to something else if that need is fulfilled. What they really want is the action of someone/something giving, it is not about having. It is ongoing. It is their source of validation.

Trying to fulfill this constant demand will drain you of everything you have, and have negligable end result.

When he smokes this goes away. It makes his brain slow down. The best times of our relationship was when he had pot on a regular basis. He cleaned the house, did the laundry, would groom the dogs by himself (not an easy task they are shih tzus), he would be able to go out in public and actually enjoy himself, he has PTSD and is very hyper vigilant in public, he was an amazing gardener, was more active in general, lost 60 pounds. He actually seems happy when he does it, we would go 6 months without having a fight. These days that is unheard of, It almost feels like I have lost my husband because he is a different person when he does it. Is it really crazy to want that person back again?

He's not completely lost, as I explained before he is considerate of me, He apologizes when he is wrong, he appreciates what I do for him, I know he loves me and he has made considerable progress. I have too. We have both grown or our marriage would have fallen apart a long time ago. So much of our problems now stem from this need to acquire that next thing that will finally make him happy. With the pot it stops, the need goes away. He can actually focus on what he has instead of what he doesn't have. His doctor told him she understands completely why it works for him. It slows his brain down so he can actually deal with things. He brain runs a million miles a minute, always thinking, never relaxing. The pharmaceutical drugs seem to make him feel dumb. I've seen it, him not being able to remember words or simple things. This is why I feel so torn about it.
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« Reply #18 on: January 07, 2016, 03:53:49 PM »

wife has had a long history of alcohol and medication abuse. The alcohol has been clear now for almost 3 years, and the medications are under control and slowly weaned down. a a result her mind is clearing.  While the horrors of substance abuses are gone the more active mind is now jumping all over the place with far more anxiety and quick fixes. Chasing impulses happens quicker and with more vigor.

As i once commented, her vibrating frequency has gone up, she is finding it very hard to just chill and go with the flow.
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« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2016, 04:31:58 PM »

Excerpt
I think I just get sad because he is never happy. I know he will always want something, and it just never ends. The moment he gets what he wants, he starts thinking about what else he wants. It's exhausting sometimes. To be fair things have gotten better, I don't put it on myself to solve all of his problems anymore.

This is my life exactly. I just get tired of him never being happy, even when he gets his own way. I've decided that there is no reason for me to keep being so accommodating, and giving him his own way, with zero payoff. I'm not happy, and he's not happy, even when he gets his way. Motorcycle wasn't the magic bullet, car isn't the magic bullet. He's always looking for his "happy" in all the wrong places.

I've felt like I'm a small fish, bashed around in this big ocean of his "needs" and desires. He bullies me because he's gotten away with it. I'm going to do my best to put a stop to it, and learn to say no. No being the end of the argument. End of the discussion. He doesn't have to agree, or like my answer, but I've decided I'm more than entitled to it.

People on here call it being assertive, and it sort of makes me feel "not nice", but I've decided I can live with that. Let him call me controlling, or "needy" or the list of other things he's used to guilt trip me. As you stated on my blog, just because he says it doesn't make it true. It's projection.

It does get very tiring putting up with all this, but I think in the end, we have to be more true to ourselves, and stop caving in to their every "want". If we think of them like an emotionally immature child, maybe that will be easier to do. Just because my husband looks grown, does not mean he is when it comes to being emotionally mature, and behaving as such. Mature, responsible adults don't bully and try to bend others to their own will, or verbally abuse another to get their own way.
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« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2016, 10:07:31 AM »

We had a good talk last night about the moving thing. There is a state next to us that I would be able to keep my job. Looks like they are going to vote on Medical Marijuana this election year. Keeping my fingers crossed that this gets passed. We actually looked at houses in this state. We have an FHA loan, I am thinking if we can come up with a 20% down payment we can get the house that we actually wanted and not as much of a payment, Plus our credit scores have gotten way better since we bought the house. FHA adds about $100 for mortgage insurance to our payments. This has been my argument all along, why move so far away when we could just go next door soon. It means he has to wait a year or two but it's middle ground. I told him if it gets passed we will put our house on the market and start looking for homes there. I can totally live with this.
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« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2016, 05:03:44 PM »

Glad that was productive. I'd note that it is a year or two out, making it feasible.

If he starts driving you nuts looking at houses again, you can try boundary enforcement.

"I am not moving in 2016. I am not going to look at houses for sale in 2016. Stop showing them to me."
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Herodias
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« Reply #22 on: January 08, 2016, 09:19:51 PM »

I know how you feel... .After we bought the house is when all the major hell started. He just seemed to be overwhelmed with "keeping up with the joneses" or something. Maybe it was too much of a commitment. We only lived there 2 years and he wanted out! He said he couldn't wait to get rid of me and the house! So mean... .He abused alcohol and pills at times also... .my previous relationship was with a drug addict. I can say that it is very difficult. You cannot change them so you except it or not. The problem with drugs is that you could lose your home over them! I listened to a video about how when you accept that you may be one type of person and your So is another, sometimes just realizing that you are two different people and letting each other live the way each of you want to live will help you let go of trying to control each other. You have to decide if this is the life for you... .You couldn't get a roommate and let him go off and try it out there to see if he liked it? This is a case where the "grass" actually may be greener on the other side,lol (sorry)... .I wouldn't want to move for someones addiction, that's for sure. Mine wanted me to quit my job and move... .so glad I never did that. I didn't trust mine as well. Just puts you in a position of more seclusion. I know what you mean about pot helping them relax though. Sometimes I think if pot was legal and alcohol was not, we would be better off. Instead of a bunch of angry, hyped up people, we would have a bunch of calm people that would get along. It can make you unproductive... .although my previous ex was a tree climber. That is a very dangerous job. For some reason, allot of them tend to have drug problems. Mine would smoke to calm himself... .but then would go out and smoke crack at night (this is my previous ex-not the BPD) I slept with one eye open at night with that guy. When I bought my condo I had to throw him out or risk losing it. He ended up in jail in California... .It was awful- He did allot of bad things... I don't know if he ever changed. I don't think so. I don't really like drugs or alcohol anymore since being around so many addicts. You just need to decide what you can live with. Sometimes we stay out of fear of the unknown. I know I am happier now than I was with either of these guys. I stayed 8 years with each... It is a problem. I hope you can get something figured out between you both.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2016, 12:47:27 PM »

So the peace didn't last long. My husband is now looking to move to Colorado again because the state next to us is changing a lot of things about what they are going to vote on and they added something saying the approved Medical Marijuana use would be monitored by a police officer. Big no go for my husband. We have fought about this the last three days that I will not move, I told him we need to save money, he keeps sending me house, after house, after house. I don't respond and then finally I will tell him to stop sending them to me and He will get angry. I am so sick of fighting about this but he won't drop it. I bring up the very good points I have about why it would not be smart to pick up and move right now. He has a one track mind and just sees one thing and doesn't care about what it takes to get it. I am exhausted about this subject. He keeps saying I trapped him, I didn't he chose to be with me and we chose to buy our home together. Our Anniversary is this weekend, I basically have no standards set so that I can't be disappointed.
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« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2016, 11:10:18 AM »

Boundaries come to mind here.

You cannot convince your husband that picking up and moving to another state (with legalized pot) won't solve all his problems.

Seriously... .that thinking (no matter HOW messed up it is!) is all inside his mind, and you cannot change it. Stop trying.

What you can do is be consistent in telling him you aren't moving anywhere in 2016, and you won't/can't stop him from going if that is what he needs to do.

Let him think what he wants... .and be clear and consistent on what actions you will (and won't) take. He should figure it out eventually. And if not, you will get LOTS of practice enforcing that boundary  Smiling (click to insert in post)  
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #25 on: January 25, 2016, 10:06:56 AM »

It was an exhausting weekend of his nonstop asking to move. Even on our Anniversary, I asked him to drop it and just enjoy the day with me. No luck there, I ended up crying and screaming at him to stop bringing it up and that was after hearing about it for several hours and asking him nicely to stop several times. After getting a few drinks into both of us we had a better time but good lord was it a crappy Anniversary. We even made a toast to 10 lousy years together and to top it off, I burnt the shrimp I cooked.

I have been consistent with telling him no on moving, It wears me down.
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waverider
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« Reply #26 on: January 25, 2016, 03:41:52 PM »

I have been consistent with telling him no on moving, It wears me down.

Might have to up the boundary response by removing yourself from the situation, as repeatedly saying no is not sufficiently protecting your mental state.
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« Reply #27 on: January 25, 2016, 05:21:48 PM »

When my ex and I moved from a shared living situation in the city to an apartment in the suburbs the marriage lasted for 7 months before I was done. One of the things that happened in the marriage is that he relapsed and started abusing drugs again. It  was really hard for a long time, and it still is, but at least I am not under the same roof as a substance abuser who expected me to submit to him. My d15 has the same attitude as you do, she prefers her father high as he is more pleasant to be around. I want him to  sober up but he refuses so we are done. 
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #28 on: January 26, 2016, 12:08:59 PM »

If my husband didn't have PTSD or a Traumatic Brain Injury I would feel different about it. I am torn mainly because the state we live in will be one of the last states to legalize it. I don't much care for this state I was just born here, I actually hate most of their policies about everything, it's a backwards republican state. Anyways The alcohol is the deal breaker for me, he doesn't touch any of the other drugs although he has been addicted to them in the past before he met me.

I actually wish we had the money to move. I keep telling him that we need a certain amount of money and I will consider it. He seems to think this is too much to ask. I laid it all out for him what the plan is for us to move. First we need a savings, something to live off of while I try to find a job and so that we can rent a place there. Does this seem like a smart thing to do? Throwing him a bone, giving him something to work on instead of sending me houses we can't afford he can focus on saving money. I sort of want to move, I don't like my job I just fear not being able to find another good job, I don't have a college degree. The plan is to save money enough so that we can live off of it for 3-4 months. We would sell our house and once someone makes a serious offer I would start looking for a new job in a new state, once I find a job we would look for places to rent and take a trip there. Does this seem reasonable? Then on closing day we would make the permanent move.

I get so sick of going to work everyday and hating my job, I just wish I could keep the benefits, it's seriously the only reason I have said no for so long.

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« Reply #29 on: January 26, 2016, 12:29:13 PM »

Is making a plan to move where pot is legal for him a smart thing to do?

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Side note... .this "plan" could be worthless in early 2017. States have legalized pot. Feds have not changed anything. The current administration has chosen not to get into a pissing match about this in WA and CO, and isn't even being all that bad about sending the feds against medical pot in other states. At least one of the republican candidates has explicitly stated that he will enforce federal laws in these states. I haven't paid attention to the others.



Is telling your husband about it a smart thing to do?

NOPE.

At least not because he's driving you nuts showing you houses you won't buy.

Offering the plan up to him and hoping he will behave in a more reasonable way, or be more pleasant to be around because of it is just setting yourself up to be disappointed and pissed at him... .and giving him something else to complain to you about, blaming you for not living up to the plan when he made sure that the money needed got spent elsewhere!


The smart move is working on our boundaries first. As waverider suggested, you probably got your cue that you need to step them up a notch for your peace of mind.
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