Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:29:58 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I'm so sick of this life  (Read 589 times)
unicorn2014
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #30 on: January 26, 2016, 12:31:50 PM »

Cloudy days, to me it sounds like you are enabling him. I have PTSD and I am a divorced mother. Life is hard and I haven't had a drink or a drug in over a decade.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #31 on: January 26, 2016, 01:21:19 PM »

I have PTSD too, but it's not severe. He's been sober from pot for over a year now, he takes prescribed medications and he has gained over 100 pounds because of the medications. He's also tried switching medications and ended up going back to the old ones because of worse side effects. I feel this is a viable medicine, I know that Marijuana is seen as a drug to most people, an escape or however you want to put it. That's not how I feel about it and I'm not going to change my mind about it. I've been with him for 10 years and he is a more productive person when he uses Marijuana. We have been to a ton of doctors trying to figure out what is wrong with him. He sees a doctor that specializes in BPD and she is the one that suggested that he has a Traumatic Brain Injury. She said some of his symptoms are caused by BPD but there was more to it. She had him tested for it and it was confirmed to the point he is on Social Security Disability for it, We have found several studies that show Marijuana working for people who suffer from TBI. When you know the man you love could be happier with a plant rather than pharmaceutical drugs I don't see it as enabling. I've seen this man in every situation possible and he is happiest with something that I am ok with him using.

We have been paying attention to the pot debate and the presidential candidates too. There are a few that are against pot but they are not even close to winning at this point and in a few weeks we will know for sure who the candidates will be. I've been adamant to my husband that we cannot move without money to move. I have not lied to him about moving, we are just not prepared to do it. I have mixed feelings about moving too. I go back and forth. I have been in a bubble of a crap state for a long time. I wouldn't be opposed to living somewhere more beautiful and with more to offer, I have let my fears run my life for a long time, maybe I should change something. I know my mother would visit me it doesn't take long to drive there.

I just need a course of action to give my husband, I need his help to do things correctly. He can't dump on me if he spent the money on something. He can't dump on me if he doesn't take care of our home so it sells quicker.  I feel good about this, just want some suggestion as to what I should make sure to include.

I have been thinking about this decision for a long time. I want to make sure that I don't rush into it. My husband has asked me over and over again what would it take for me to move. I have not given him an answer until now. I think I didn't want to give him an answer but after really thinking about it, I am good with this.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #32 on: January 26, 2016, 01:36:15 PM »

Making the decision to move to a place where YOU will be happier and taking action to make it happen is a fantastic thing, and I encourage you to do it.

Considering your husband's feelings/needs/opinions is also a good thing, although apply a grain or two of salt with painting everything black then white then black again and running off after wild hairs when dysregulated or at least talking about it.

I just need a course of action to give my husband, I need his help to do things correctly. He can't dump on me if he spent the money on something. He can't dump on me if he doesn't take care of our home so it sells quicker.

He is mentally ill. He can dump on you for any reason he picks, and most likely it won't be valid, although it could be.

Don't believe he will "get better" due to your actions, and choose your actions accordingly.

Instead choose your actions to take care of yourself, treat him with respect, and protect yourself from the crap he may try to throw at you.
Logged
Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #33 on: January 26, 2016, 02:07:49 PM »

I would not move at all if it were up to me. But that doesn't mean that it's a bad idea to move. I just wouldn't move somewhere where I don't know anyone. If we go together then at least I know him. 

He's been adamant about moving for about 8 of the 10 years, I think he even mentioned moving to California when we were dating. I don't think he will get better, I just wanted him to focus on something that is possible rather than focusing on the wrong aspect of moving. Looking up houses that we can't even begin to afford doesn't help us move and it just frustrates the heck out of me because it doesn't get us closer to anything other than a fight. He's been talking about saving money, we are stretched thin at the moment so it is hard to do so this is something we have to work together to do. I think we have fought because I haven't given him a light at the end of the tunnel. At least if he knows what is needed he can work towards that goal, it's an obtainable goal rather than just saying, No not right now. I think I have been stuck for awhile, thinking about weather or not I actually want to stay with him. It's not fair to him for me to stay in limbo not making a decision just because I haven't made up my mind, so I am making up my mind. If he really wants to move, this is what I need.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #34 on: January 26, 2016, 03:43:04 PM »

You are really confusing me here as far as what you are doing for yourself, what you are doing for him, etc.

On one hand you say you wouldn't move at all if it were up to you.

Then you say things about what you want him to focus on.

Then you say you are making up YOUR mind, and do it with a qualification of "if he really wants to move" in there.

... .you also say he's been talking about moving as long as you've known him... .yet you made this move happen, and you are needed to make another one happen... .Perhaps he does want to move. Perhaps he will be happier.

But it sounds like he's been saying he'd be happy if he moved as long as you've known him too... .and that kind of running away doesn't solve problems.

He's unhappy and looking for a move to magically solve that. He may even believe it will work. The last move wasn't a magical fix. Neither will the next one be.

Can you describe your plan... .completely separating out what you will actually do, and how it will impact your life in one section, and any changes you hope he will make or find in another section?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #35 on: January 26, 2016, 04:10:33 PM »

I think a lot of the endless drama is because you dont give him the impression you disapprove of his need or reasoning. He sees your objection as being that it clashes with your immediate needs.  To him his needs will always trup your yours, hence he can't accept and it will keep try to overturn what he feels is an injustice.

He is hearing validation with a big "BUT" attached to it.


Drugs of any sort, assuming they dont come with health problems, are only an issue when they overly influence life decisions, and life's happiness centers around them. Reliance on anything, even if not a drug leads down this path
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!