Who sleeps in the bed? Feedback for something please.

[thisworld]

Hello everyone,

This is something I'm stuck with and I need feedback on this. It feels like a boundary to me, but it may not be so because it has an element of controlling someone else's actions. Still, my feelings tell me that my boundary, or whatever this is, is reasonable. I feel strongly about this. But I wonder whether others here see it as some unnecessary obstinacy - in which case, I'll think about changing this. And it's kind of funny as well. I don't even know whether this is a small thing that has become too big in my head. But here it goes:

In a monogamous relationship (which is lived in my home that I built on my own - but property ownership is not the only criterion here, I can think of doing this in the opposite circumstances as well): So, to me, the bed has symbolic importance as the standard shared place of intimacy. Sometimes people don't want to sleep in the same bed when that intimacy is broken - ex. I discovered cheating. So, if I discovered that my partner cheated on me and it's late at night and he is asleep in bed. I don't want to sleep next to him - for two reasons, a) I'm hurt and I don't want to; b)I'm afraid that I'll be angry and harmful beyond my acceptable limits. I choose to contain my anger, don't want a fight at night or anything so I decide to leave for the night. (I don't want to sleep on the sofa). I can't leave, small town, no open hotels, I don't want to spend hours looking for one in a taxi. I wake up my partner politely, apologizing (but I still wake him up, which I normally don't do), tell him I am emotionally at a sensitive state because I discovered this. I would like us to have a peaceful night (though I can guess that we'll stay awake probably but that's not what I really want), I thought of going to a hotel but couldn't do it, could he please sleep on the sofa?

So, I have this thing: I find it kind of unacceptable that I am the one sleeping on the sofa because he cheated (I know I would be sleeping for my own reasons but admittedly, not sleeping on the sofa becomes more important than everything else.) I think it should be him because he betrayed the bond we had (for which the bed is a symbol) and it's my right to sleep in bed (for whatever reason this becomes important). Maybe there is an element of punishment in it even but I'll just be OK if I get to sleep in the bed. The next day, I'll be mature and positive, trying to understand my partner even. But sleeping in bed becomes a matter of pride for me at that moment, almost a symbolic action of reasserting myself. I can understand these but emotionally it becomes a matter of life and death.

If I have to change this, it will be very very difficult for me. But if this is downright wrong in your eyes, I think I'll work on it. If it's a quirk of mine, I may let go and live with being the weird woman who has this bed obsession, this power-fight. (At this moment, I can imagine myself giving my life in an idealistic battle for the bed really and not regret it, I'll have died for my cause:))

What's your opinion on this? I know it's weird, but I have this and can't get rid of this.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eeks]

Hi thisworld,

But sleeping in bed becomes a matter of pride for me at that moment, almost a symbolic action of reasserting myself.

You've already explained your motivations and feelings around sleeping in the bed in this scenario in some detail, and I am also aware that this could simply reflect that you strongly value loyalty and trust (no deeper meaning).  But this is what came to my mind, try it if you are interested.

Vividly imagine yourself, right in the scene you described, feeling all these feelings and still getting into bed with your partner anyways.  What do you feel?  What do you notice?

(I am not trying to torture you, it is left open-ended because you might find that the feelings shift, a new feeling arises, it reminds you of another interpersonal situation, etc.)  

[thisworld]

Eeks,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. You have given me something that could unlock this and it's also liberating that maybe, yes, there is nothing deep (this acceptance from you helps me approach it with more courage and I can question myself more comfortably.)

I know you are not trying to torture me, his snoring is when I'm trying to imagine myself in the situation - usually I don't have a problem with it:)) I'll focus on what is beyond this aggression.

Thank you.   

[Grey Kitty]

Getting down to the core, here's how I see it. Starting with "facts":

1. You discovered your partner cheated, and you don't want to sleep next to him (100% legitimate)

2. Your partner is already asleep in the bed.

3. Leaving the house to sleep elsewhere is not feasible at this time of night.

Next some other opinions/feelings.

4. You view the house as more yours than shared

5. You find being "forced" out of the bed to the sofa hurtful, given that he is the one who cheated, not you.

What course of action could/should you take?

A: Go against your discomfort with being cheated, and get into bed with him.

[Worth examining your feelings about this, but I wouldn't have recommended it]

B: Wake him and ask him to sleep on the couch. (From the sound of it, you did this, and he didn't acquiesce)

The bad part of this version is that you putting him in the position of power--he can choose whether to get up and go to the sofa or stay put.

You get the best outcome if he does as you ask. I'd also note that this is kinda rude, although not inappropriate given you just found out you were cheated on.

C: Go sleep on the sofa, leaving him alone for the night.

The advantage of this approach is that you get to take care of yourself and avoid the feelings you would have had with choice A, and he has no influence on it. (And it sounds like this is where you ended up anyways)

Good boundaries involve paying attention to what you can control (your actions) and what you cannot (another's actions)

NOTE: Kicking him out of the bed tomorrow night is a different issue entirely... .

[thisworld]

Thank you for this Grey Kitty,

This brings a good structure to what can be done or what can be avoided. Together with Eeks's suggestions and this structure, I believe I'll come to a conclusion soon. (I'm still resisting the idea of leaving the bed:))

Actually, no, I didn't end up on the sofa:))

He rose up quickly, started shouting and saying I was sick and making things up. I apologized for waking him up again, calmly suggested we sleep on it (but I had placed myself on the bed, see my obsession:)). He went ballistic, brought the lap-top to me insistently asked me to show "evidence." I did. He went blank for a second and then started breaking things in the house and shouting, swearing. I asked him to calm down but this increased the heat. I saved the other lap-top (that's where last pieces of my job was), firmly but calmly asked him to move when he blocked my way, saved myself from a little attack, went to the bedroom, and slept in the bed. This was the first time I experienced something like this with a man.

I wasn't aggressive to him in any way, but I wasn't very supportive, either. I was just neutral, like going through motions.

I didn't ask my question to find out what I could have done differently though. Per cheating, I can imagine different personal reactions under different circumstances. I find cheating understandable sometimes.  But his e-mails to this other person included stuff about me and I felt very insulted - found this more insulting than cheating I think. That's why it may have become a war.

Thank you again for the structure you provided, I appreciate it. 

[Grey Kitty]

Going forward, the question of the bed seems secondary to me.

The question of how you and he deal with the cheating is much bigger. Is that still up in the air?

[thisworld]

Going forward, the question of the bed seems secondary to me.

The question of how you and he deal with the cheating is much bigger. Is that still up in the air?

Nope, the critical question for me is the bed:))

I don't see any problems with the way I deal with cheating. I feel I have a good balance between recognizing my hurt, being fair to the other person and their feelings, needs, and my attitude differs depending on the relationship and how this cheating occurred. It's not always a deal breaker for me. I'd rather work on salvaging a relationship that somehow deteriorated and building trust with a more or less secure partner who physically cheated than dealing with online and "harmless" flirts of an emotionally insecure, attention-seeking partner.

I feel cheated beyond a sexual level here; hence the anger. And that takes me back to the bed:))

[Grey Kitty]

I've got some nuance in how I deal with cheating too so I understand.

If you have resolved that with the choice to repair the relationship (if possible) then good.

So what about the bed now. Are you sleeping in it alone?

[thisworld]

I have the resolve to treat this semblance of a relationship as yet another life lesson for me and to learn as much as possible about myself. My ex partner seems to have BPD and he has a long history of addiction which -together with BPD- places him on the relatively severe end of the continuum regardless of the actual severity of BPD. (If I stayed, I would feel like an emotional hostage in a situation where opening my mouth might result in yet another overdose - as he has made this very clear, specifying certain topics which unfortunately make up a big portion of my potential life with him.) We had a brief but very damaging relationship, so I don't feel that sufficient intimacy had developed for me to want to remain in this relationship and try to make this better. Cheating is not the only reason here, my partner's lack of capacity to resolve anything might be an important factor (his cheating was emotional but I don't have the distinction between physical and emotional in this incident, as an individual I'm more tolerant toward some forms of physical cheating than some emotional affairs sometimes, I think each case is unique). 

In this case,  the emotional cheating included a woman who was an ex partner of my now ex. He had told me that he was deeply traumatized by this woman and was obsessed with her for a long time and all this was in the past now. Apparently it wasn't. Would I allow a man obsessed by another woman in my life? I don't think so - unless he had a high level of self-awareness about his issues in general and was working diligently to solve them. Even then, I don't think it would be easy for me to commit 100%. So, when I realized that this obsession was still going on, I asked my partner - after his rage and violence- passed whether he wanted to do anything to resolve his past issues and work toward a happier life and whether he needed anything for me in this regard (I perceived this as just another problem in the midst of everything else). He said this happened in the mornings when he was unhappy (we talked about being more active and productive in the mornings, which is important for addicts anyway. I suggested this solution as a beginning). However, to me, this "psychotic" and "obsessive" experience of contacting exes as he puts it, his abusive reactions afterward, overdosing and cognitive distortions cannot be resolved simply by having a good breakfast and going cycling in the mornings - as I had a chance to experience painfully.

Writing this has made me think of another boundary on which I'll think about, so thank you for the opportunity.

As to my favourite question: He doesn't, the rest is classified info  

(The house was a wreck when he left, I was traumatized and was unable to enter it, it's at a much better situation now. I am able to enter it during daytime and soon I'll make an attempt towards the bed:)) I'm planning to sleep in it alone for a while, I don't know what I think about other people's beds but am not very motivated to come to that point at this moment. I would be happy if people gave me their beds and slept on the sofa (Just joking:))   

[thisworld]

So, I’ve completed the task suggested by Eeks and after a couple of attempts, I managed to complete it – the first couple of times when I thought I lent myself to the situation in my imagination, I felt this huge suffocation which is my second least favourite feeling – the first is anxiety.

In this scenario, my initial feeling was irritation, big irritation, anger building up in me. In real life I wouldn’t go and sleep next to anyone with such a big feeling of anger. I’d need some alone time to relax, come to a better place in my mind and then give it a try. In this exercise though, it’s suffocation and an inevitable question constantly forcing me to change the situation: Why? Why am I here, why is he here?

My feelings: Irritation. Why am I so irritated? Certain reasons I was aware of at that time were there during the exercise as well. Both in real life and during the exercise, when I looked at him I didn’t just see my boyfriend. I saw the sleeping posture, heard the snoring and the facial expression of his addict self. My partner had many different appearances, expressions etc depending on the substance he used, this was the one that looked very very different from him as I knew him. Almost a total stranger. This came between us. It’s a trigger. I won’t dwell on this because I know my boundaries about this and I received repetitive, very strong and traumatic boundary busting about this for the two-three days before this incident. He dysregulated (I see this now) and I couldn’t do anything substantial about protecting this boundary (and in the mean time, I became his “persecutor” I think. This emotional cheating on top of the effects of addiction on my life just felt too much. I wanted to get him out of my life and maybe that feeling added to that irritation. With someone I loved more, maybe I would have experienced more sorrow and less irritation (this is also related with some specific boundary busting about addiction that involved sex and what I experienced at the time as some scary emotional sadism – some members here have told me that maybe it was something shame-based. I didn’t have that understanding at that time, but the experience itself still makes me cringe.)

Another reason about this irritation: He so lied to me about this very situation. To me, it’s different from cheating experienced in a brand new situation.

The suffocation: I have no explanation for this other than the fact that I feel this when I feel violated for some reason sometimes. And something in this situation told me that I had to stop it.

Could I ever possibly sleep with him in the same bed:

I believe I could calm myself down and sleep with him detaching myself from him completely if I had to. That “had to” needs to be a real obligation. To me it wasn’t at that time. I honestly don’t think waking him up (and apologizing) was ultimately bad behavior on my part. I don’t think it’s something good to wake up your partner in the middle of the night, I never did it before – as far as I can remember. However, I don’t think it’s a taboo or that I tortured him with sleep deprivation or anything. I forgave myself for it – and apologized for it twice, one was after his violence. I still think I had had enough with his entitlement. Maybe this is who I am. When someone is so entitled that he violates ALL my stated boundaries (that we either talked about or designed together) and treats me like crap when I open my mouth, I don’t feel obliged to respect their sleep. Maybe the important thing for me is to think about it afterward and do what’s necessary for me not to turn this into an abusive habit – like remaining in this relation without any change, and turning it into a habit. I think I can live with myself.

With a different partner, under different circumstances I know it could be different.

I feel honestly comfortable with what I have written but I don’t know if I have subconsciously used this exercise only to justify my actions. I’ll appreciate any comment that goes against my line of thinking and I’ll also think about what I have written to find about how I feel about it at a different time.

Thank you Eeks for suggesting this exercise.