I am terrified, lost, lonely and hurt.

[Chansen]

Hello, I have been married to my BPD wife for almost 3 years now. I didn't notice anything unusual until a few weeks after we got engaged. As a people pleaser, I quickly forgave her brutal and unnecessary anger and moved on. A few days after we got married she already threatened to divorce and leave me based on a small situation which lead her believe I was cheating on her (which is not even remotely true). I am not a perfect husband for sure and I know there is things I have done that she can feel hurt by, but I know there is nothing I have done that deserves this kind of terrible treatment. Since then I have undergone unthinkable physical and verbal abuse. I have scars from her nails all over my body, but I have come to realise the emotional scars are much stronger. I have heard threats to kill me on a weekly sometimes daily basis along with her threats to kill herself blaming me that if she did it would be my fault.

Amidst the struggle of our early relationship, it was pleasant compared to the worst I wrote above that is now. In the beginning we found time to do things together and despite her continual out breaks, I managed to keep things stable with pleasing her and folding in to her manipulation. However, things got very difficult when our daughter was born 2 years ago which added to a lot of disappointment for her as a mother and much more responsibility and practical needs we both had to fulfill. I have tried to shelter her as much as I can from the emotional turmoil my wife brings to our family. I have escaped from her with our child many times into another room as she throws furniture and breaks windows and screams in reaction to something I said or did. Then, just the next day or hours she breaks down and desires me to hug her. I am self employed and work at home, which has been a great and terrible. It is great to be able to be there for her when she needs me to help her or take care of our daughter... .on the other hand I hardly work at all trying to meet my wife's insatiable needs and the basic needs of out daughter resulting in massive financial stress and exhaustion, as the only time I can work is in the evenings. I have essentially raised our daughter up single handedly and provided financially for us by myself as she does not work. A typical day looks like: Our child wakes up at 7 and my wife wakes up between 10 and 12 (sometimes later as she has a very difficult time sleeping). Right when she gets up she most often turns on the TV and zones out (media is her drug to help her cope with her stress). Often she is too depressed or angry to get out of bed and refuses to talk to me. Some days she finds strength to get out of bed and help with our daughter (some odd days she takes care of our daughter all day and prepares meals... .but I think she only musters the strength to do this through the guilt she has inside her, in which quickly turns to anger as she realises she doesn't have strength anymore... .which she quickly blames me for) So many days she stays in bed all day... .leaving me alone with our child and waiting till she goes to her nap for when I can work finally for a few hours (however during the time, she makes me feel incredibly guilty for not coming and talking with her despite the painful abuse she laid on me the day before). Towards the evening I feel if her emotions are safe enough to come closer to and try to talk. Likely it ends in some kind of argument on her part and I leave and work if I have strength or simply go to bed simply to numb the pain. I would say however, that there are some beautifully happy moments in the last few years as well in the midst of this, Sometimes lasting a dreamy week even, but quickly and suddenly disappear for some silly reason... .leaving me destroyed (for so long I was naive to think they would last magically... .but I have come to protect myself in good moment anticipating their imminent end)

In all of this however, I do truly love her. I really do. I see the truth of who she can be in the better moments, but I am so terribly exhausted. I find myself becoming so short tempered with or daughter as I don't know how to deal with the stress and pain my wife lays on me. Our life is miserable and she blames me for all of it. Even when it is obvious she over reacted to something I said, she blames me that I caused her to do what she did. I hate this life and I am completely on the end of my rope emotionally. I don't know what to do as I am so exhausted to do simple things now. Even now as I write I really should be working to meet a deadline, but I simply don't have strength to and am need of support. Our lives are in pieces, only the few positive (more neutral) moments keep me alive.

I do have hope though... .I have insisted that she take DBT therapy and she has agreed as she most likely has BPD. She is soft as I talk delicately about this with her, however she has  told me she would contact someone on her own. I continually remind her about it for a few weeks now, and I am hoping she will soon. Does anyone know anything about DBT? Does it help?

Thank you for your patience in reading this, i know it is a bit hap hazard... .in the end it is simply helpful to write it out. Honestly, when I read it to myself I can't believe this is my life. I have so dissociated myself from the reality of it. It needs to change, I know I need help in it though and any support and help would really make things easier.

Thank you very much for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bravhart1]

I'm so sorry you are so hurt. You aren't being treated well or kind, and it seems your wife is incapable of appreciating all you do.

Your child is quite young and I wonder how she will grow up to be healthy mentally or emotionally with this scenario you have presented if something doesn't change. You love your wife I understand, but do you love yourself? If you do, then you should insist on better treatment. If your wife is unable because of her BPD, then she needs to seek treatment immediately for the sake of her family. Like most BPD people her love for herself will greatly out shadow your needs and those of your daughter. I'm afraid you are put in a tough spot, but in it you are.

You must do the hard right thing. Require your wife to seek treatment or explain that you must ask her to leave. You don't have to divorce her, you don't have to stop loving her, but for her own good and that your daughter and yourself she needs to get treatment. The life that you described above does not sound like any life I would want for myself or for my child to grow up in unless I desired her to become as unbalanced as her mother. Breaking windows and physical violence against you is unlawful, and you are allowing it. I know it's hard, but is it any harder than what you are living?

If your daughter could have a happy home, don't you think she would want you to choose that for her?

No one is saying it's easy, but you are the only one that can be the hero in this story. You must do the hard right thing, insist she follow through, or allow you to get help for her. Anything else is condoning abuse and you can't possibly think that is better for you or your daughter than getting her mother help.

If she gets mad about it, how is that different than all the other stuff she gets mad at?

[Chilibean13]

I am so sorry to hear your story. It sounds terrifying. My heart breaks for you. I think first and foremost you absolutely MUST look out for the physical safety of your D and yourself. Please click on the "safety first" button on the right side of the page. Make a plan for what to do if she begins to become physical again. You have to get out of the house when she is like that. As scary as it may be, you may even need to call the police.

As for the DBT, I have heard great things about it. There is no guarantee it will work as it's up to your wife how much effort she puts in. People with BPD have a hard time keeping plans. I would give your wife a time limit on getting into T. Determine what those consequences will be if she does not meet the time frame.

Lastly, you shoudl consider T for yourself too. You need someone to talk to about your stress and your coping skills. Hopefully this board will help you too.

[Icthelight]

Welcome Chansen, you are no longer alone. What you've described, many others here have experienced or are currently experiencing, so we completely understand your pain. So sorry you're going through this.

I'm so glad you found this community and learned about BPD relatively early in your marriage. Never fun to learn your spouse may suffer from a mental illness, but at least some things can begin to make sense for you. I have been married to my uBPDw for over 23 years and I didn't find this community or learn about BPD until last year. I always thought it was typical marriage issues and I also became convinced that I was the issue and that I could fix the marriage. Yes, my wife also blames me for our and her problems.

It sounds like you're emotionally drained and have your hands full already. However, whenever possible, read the lessons provided here and learn about JADE, validation, SET and so many other ways that you can respond and interact with your wife that will help you stop making things worse. I'm not saying this is your fault and these techniques will "fix" your wife, what I'm saying is that your responses will not add fuel to the already ever burning fire. You will stop making it worse.

I am a people pleaser, have conflict avoidant tendencies and have some co-dependency traits. I have a difficult time enforcing boundaries and usually feel that as long as my wife is happy, I'll be happy. I'm currently in therapy and have found that I need to value myself and my feelings. I don't need to be abused verbally or physically. You too Chansen, you matter and you need to set healthy boundaries that will protect you and your daughter. Focus on your own self care so you can begin to fill that emotional thank that is currently on empty.

I have two daughters so I know how painful it is to see them suffer at the hands of verbal abuse, rages and unhealthy anger. You don't want this for your daughter. If your daughter wrote to you exactly what you wrote explaining how her husband was treating her and this was her life, not yours, what would your advice to her be?

Hang in there, there is hope.

[Chansen]

Wow, I am so thankful for all of these very thoughtful and heart warming responses. It means so very much to hear that I am not alone in this. I have felt so powerless the last few years and I, for the first time, feel like I have direction and strength. Thank you for taking time to read my story. I am so glad I found this site, it is exactly what I needed. Thank you.

Despite the lack of time I have, I have been sneaking off to this site often to read about how I can improve myself to better improve our situation. It has helped a lot. I think the biggest thing is that I feel a sense of justice that I have felt condemned for so long. I relate exactly with you Icthelight when you said:

I always thought it was typical marriage issues and I also became convinced that I was the issue and that I could fix the marriage. Yes, my wife also blames me for our and her problems.

For so long I was baffled with what was happening. I knew that I have made some mistakes that have caused her pain, but nothing that should amount to how she has reacted to them. As our relationship has progressed I have sought this sense of "justice" from her, first in ways that were respectful, but drained her already emotional pool, and later as I have become more desperate for this "justice", I have resorted stronger ways to protect myself by retaliating with anger. I see now that she can not give me this "justice" by honoring my feelings and pain she has caused in the heat of one of her outrages. I find rest in knowing that what she is doing is wrong and it does hurt me and I have the right for that even though she will not show it.

Some good news (which has not been words in my vocabulary for a long time), in the last week I see huge results in situations that I would expect to become disastrous simply by how I have learned to change my responses. Since I don't desire her to understand my pain as much, I can see I have space to dissolve the stress she puts on me. I can really see now how much worse she can become by taking just the slightest turn off the conversation/emotional track she expects... .but it is a very tight road for sure. I know I can't control her and she still has said and done some terrible things, but I feel much lighter now and feel myself growing again and begin to just smell the beautiful life can have... .especially in enjoying our daughter who I love also so much.

Another set of "good" news is my wife has contacted a friend of hers who has contacts with some therapists about DBT. From the few conversations we have had about it, it seems like she wants to try and knows she needs help. She still blames me for all of our problems though, even despite us reading together a lengthy list of the symptoms of BPD and her agreeing she suffers from it   However, it is a step and I hope she can get help and learn more about BPD.

One thing I want to share and really suffer with is an ongoing and consistent argument she throws out at me almost daily: "I was never like this before I met you. Before I married you I felt joy and was happy and was working on myself. I had issues, but I had strength to work on them. Now, look at me!" I don't know what to think about this. I know she had a very bad childhood with a mom who totally did not take care of her emotional development, and a grandma who patronised her and her life was very low at times... .but once she moved away from her family she got this dream of finding that perfect someone to save her and help her with her struggles. She really prepared herself well for marriage considering her past and was doing pretty well considering her past before I met her (i know this from close people who knew her for a long time)... .but once we met, things suddenly went down hill. I know I have made mistakes, but I see relationships around me suffering from bigger failures and they don't look like our marriage. I just don't know how to answer this argument in my head... .a little of what I have read about BPD is how it can come out in an individual suddenly when they finally reach a goal they had and truly work very hard for and find disappointment int he result and dissatisfactions with how it affects their identity. Is that what is going on here? I am just so lost and can't hold the load of taking the fault of her life going out of control.

Another thing on my mind is my dwindling feelings of empathy for her. I feel so terribly guilty for it, but I can't seem to help it. She suffers from a lot of very strange health issues (which most likely have been caused by her extreme and constant state of stress) and honestly, 99% of the time she tells me about how she physically feels it is covered with so much contempt and bitterness I can hardly focus and care for on what she is actually trying to say. Even when she says how she feels in a more neutral way, I find myself, by reaction (or protection) ignoring it. For example, if our daughter gets even the littlest bit hurt my heart completely breaks and I would do ANYTHING to help her... .on the other hand, if my wife tells me her heart is beating as fast as she feels like she will have a heart attacked, emotionally I feel like I just heard on the weather that there will be snow tomorrow... .I feel terrible, but I don't know what to make of it. I really don't know what to do as I know it fuels her rages as she draws examples of how I am not caring for her enough and how much more I care for others... .any insight on this?

Lastly, you shoudl consider T for yourself too. You need someone to talk to about your stress and your coping skills. Hopefully this board will help you too.

I agree, but I know nothing about therapy and where to even start looking for something I can do for myself. I know it is something that would really help me. Another obstacles is we are living abroad and I don't exactly speak the language here (which adds to a lot of the loneliness to our situation), so I would need to find a way to to T over Skype maybe. Any ideas or directions you could help me with this?

Thank you again for reading this and helping out. It really brings a breathe of life back to me that I have not felt in so very long.

[babyducks]

Hi Chansen,

Like you coming to this site and learning about BPD helped me a tremendous amount.   When I finally figured out that my partner suffers from harmfully intense emotions, and that I didn't need to react to them, only acknowledge them, things slowly and over time became easier for me.

My partner will occasionally blame me for how she feels.   For her feelings equal facts and if she feels unhappy clearly something external to her must be the cause of it.   Since I am the closest person the blame normally comes in my direction.   I have a difficult time with that.   I don't want to validate the invalid.   

From what you describe

One thing I want to share and really suffer with is an ongoing and consistent argument she throws out at me almost daily: "I was never like this before I met you. Before I married you I felt joy and was happy and was working on myself. I had issues, but I had strength to work on them. Now, look at me!" I don't know what to think about this. I know she had a very bad childhood with a mom who totally did not take care of her emotional development, and a grandma who patronised her and her life was very low at times... .but once she moved away from her family she got this dream of finding that perfect someone to save her and help her with her struggles. She really prepared herself well for marriage considering her past and was doing pretty well considering her past before I met her (i know this from close people who knew her for a long time)... .but once we met, things suddenly went down hill. I know I have made mistakes, but I see relationships around me suffering from bigger failures and they don't look like our marriage. I just don't know how to answer this argument in my head... .a little of what I have read about BPD is how it can come out in an individual suddenly when they finally reach a goal they had and truly work very hard for and find disappointment int he result and dissatisfactions with how it affects their identity. Is that what is going on here? I am just so lost and can't hold the load of taking the fault of her life going out of control

I can see two possibilities.   pwBPD suffer from engulfment fears and fears of abandonment, the engulfment fears comes from not having a strong sense of identity  and feeling as if as soon as someone wants something from them they will fail.   It's complicated stuff.   

The second thing that could be possible is that pwBPD tend to pair in relationships with people who they believe can fix them, or soothe them.   We, as a group tend to be fixers and caretakers.   Once it becomes evident that this is going to be fixed or that eventually as a caretaker we will let them down, the blaming starts.

The short answer is it speaks more to the damage she has then the state of your relationship.

does that make sense?

'ducks

[Chansen]

I think the second option you wrote does seem to fit @babyducks. I remember so many conversations we had before we got married how, "I wanted to marry her past" and "I want to help heal her"... .little did I know what I was really in for. I do want to help her still and always have, but for so long I could not make up from down with what was happening with her and our marriage... .and it really paralyzed me. One thing that I can't help to drop is when she pulls this one out, "if I would have married this guy who wanted to marry me he would have taken care of me and I would not be where I am now with you." And quite honestly, I know she has a point sometimes that these men she claims were better equipped for marriage than I. I came from a family where my mom lead everything and my father was very passive. Nothing traumatic like my wife's past, but I never learned to take initiative and didn't develop a very strong sense of confidence in myself as my father never bestowed anything much on me than to "be friendly and nice". These guys she mentions (some of them I know a little about on my own) seem to be pretty well balanced responsible men who I can see she would really benefit and grow from being married to... .so I don't now what to think here. Would her BPD eventually come out with whoever she married, even if he was "Mr. Perfect"? Or would it simply be not as intense as with me? Am I to blame for how I have "provoked" her instability because of my lack of preparation for marriage?

I just don't have much ground to stand on here when she goes off and says things like this... .I know I must have some decent qualities in me too... .but who else than your spouse can really affirm this? This is really so heavy on me.

[babyducks]

A pwBPD has a history of unstable and high conflict relationships.  Normally the closer and more intimate the relationship the more the conflict.   It might express slightly differently but if you read our stories here you will notice right away how very similar they all are.   

What was true for me for a long time was I became very responsible for my partner's moods.    I over identified with her ups and downs and tried to fix things.  The more I tried to fix or sooth or help her, quite frankly the worse things got.    She was very willing to let me be responsible for her emotions and both of us resented it.    It was a bad dynamic.

The person who can affirm that you have positive qualities? ?  That's you Chansen.  You will need to learn to identify your own positive qualities.

[ProKonig]

Some good news (which has not been words in my vocabulary for a long time), in the last week I see huge results in situations that I would expect to become disastrous simply by how I have learned to change my responses. Since I don't desire her to understand my pain as much, I can see I have space to dissolve the stress she puts on me. I can really see now how much worse she can become by taking just the slightest turn off the conversation/emotional track she expects... .but it is a very tight road for sure. I know I can't control her and she still has said and done some terrible things, but I feel much lighter now and feel myself growing again and begin to just smell the beautiful life can have... .especially in enjoying our daughter who I love also so much.

I'm so glad to hear you've been having some better results. Try and stay focused on the right things, and WHEN (not if) she smashes the progress you feel you've been making, don't let it knock you back to square one. Sometimes once you've confronted the issue they are aware they are 'being handled' at times and react badly. In addition even if they think you are dealing with something and making progress, she may find a away to push your buttons in another way. Don't panic!

Another set of "good" news is my wife has contacted a friend of hers who has contacts with some therapists about DBT. From the few conversations we have had about it, it seems like she wants to try and knows she needs help. She still blames me for all of our problems though, even despite us reading together a lengthy list of the symptoms of BPD and her agreeing she suffers from it   However, it is a step and I hope she can get help and learn more about BPD.

Great! :D

One thing I want to share and really suffer with is an ongoing and consistent argument she throws out at me almost daily: "I was never like this before I met you. Before I married you I felt joy and was happy and was working on myself. I had issues, but I had strength to work on them. Now, look at me!" I don't know what to think about this. I know she had a very bad childhood with a mom who totally did not take care of her emotional development, and a grandma who patronised her and her life was very low at times... .but once she moved away from her family she got this dream of finding that perfect someone to save her and help her with her struggles. She really prepared herself well for marriage considering her past and was doing pretty well considering her past before I met her (i know this from close people who knew her for a long time)... .but once we met, things suddenly went down hill. I know I have made mistakes, but I see relationships around me suffering from bigger failures and they don't look like our marriage. I just don't know how to answer this argument in my head... .a little of what I have read about BPD is how it can come out in an individual suddenly when they finally reach a goal they had and truly work very hard for and find disappointment int he result and dissatisfactions with how it affects their identity. Is that what is going on here? I am just so lost and can't hold the load of taking the fault of her life going out of control.

I think if she is receiving therapy she'll start to realise that a lot of the negative feelings she has are coming from her own internal issues. It seems like you've been in the relationship a long time without this being acknowledged and it's natural to BPDs to come to this conclusion: "I was better alone." But they are always searching for that someone to complete them and validate them. Generally if they go into another relationship the same pattern will just repeat itself.

It pretty much goes like this right?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

We all make mistakes, but how many of them are induced by the most extreme emotional pressures in these relationships? It's natural to beat yourself up at times, "Why did I react that way?" "Why did I end up doing that?" "I should have done this... ."

You shouldn't beat yourself up too much. You're taking a better approach now and it won't be easy, but hey, at least you know you are heading in the right direction for you now. My next step would be to start to decide what is acceptable and what the boundaries are.

I'm sorry you and your daughter's situation has been so tough up until now, I wish you lots of luck and good progress!