Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:41:43 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Your experience with stages of dysregulation  (Read 922 times)
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« on: January 06, 2016, 08:01:20 AM »

So my BPD bf is presently in the process of splitting me black following a row where I tried to enforce a boundary about respect levels. Following the row we had no contact with each other for 8 days. After I reached out the splitting had begun. It usually begins with indifference on his behalf and then he usually sits back doing minimal until I explode and either I call it off or he does because I am 'crazy'. This time however I am doing nothing but taking a step back and making no contact.

So presently I am being treated indifferent, like I never meant nothing and I am being treated very cool. I am being treated like I made the whole relationship up in my head which obviously isn't true after a couple of years.

The advice I am looking for (as I am approaching this differently) is... does your BPD do the indifference/we never really had a relationship thing during splitting? Also is there a pattern of the dysregulation I can expect? Ie what comes next if I remain NC? And do dsyregulations have a time frame once your at this point?

I don't know non of this because usually I've called the relationship off at this point or he has.

Thanks
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2016, 08:11:11 AM »

Apologies just to add...

One of my big concerns is him idealising someone else during this stage. That is an absolute no go for me. I will never ever go back. Would you advise I let him know 'whilst I am going to give you space, I need to mention that if your are intimate with anyone else then it is absolutely over for me?' Or is it pointless at this stage?

Any advice welcome
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2016, 08:13:50 AM »

Hello Lou12,

I'm interested in hearing about the boundary you were enforcing and how that played out as this sounds like the trigger.

Can you talk a bit more about that and tell us how you want things to move forward? 
Logged

Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2016, 08:32:28 AM »

Hi Sweetheart and thanks for replying.

We are in a LDR be see each other weekly. Been on then off for 2yrs. Back in contact a few months.

There has always been a small level of disrespect (only when we are apart) with him saying he'll call me and doesn't ect but I've always brushed this off because it never bothered me to much. However just after Xmas he put the phone down on me twice and I wasn't happy so I never contacted him for 8 days. I knew he was angry because he temporarily blocked me on social media but unblocked me straight after.

When I made contact he has been pretty much acting indiffereNtly since. Not replying to most messages, not answering the phone etc. when we do message or talk he is acting like he was never angry with me and was just busy and is cold towards me.

I then said let's just forget about in now and he agreed but remained cold and indifferent. The couple of replies I have had to messages are just one lines where I've asked him to see him and he's not replied.

That's where I am at present. The cool, cold indifferent responses which indicate that I have made the whole relationship up in my head and he doesn't have to answer to me. Acting like he doesn't care when I know he did (before splitting process begun)!

Logged
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2016, 08:34:54 AM »

To add I did message him saying ' I was not happy that the phone was put down on me' I thought it was dispreapectful and I will not apologise for being angry with him because that was simply how I felt.
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2016, 11:35:48 AM »

If this is a new boundary, he could be rebelling against it. Stay the course.

You might read up on extinction bursts here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0
Logged

sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2016, 11:36:47 AM »

LDR can be tricky to navigate. There are a few of the members on here in them and they outline similar difficulties.

I believe it will be important for you going forward to try and stay away from reacting to your bf's behaviours; the putting the phone down, being blocked on FB. These are patterns of behaviour for him that communicate his upset or unhappiness, and not necessarily with you.

It is crucial to try and demonstrate healthy ways of responding, rather than getting caught up in, 'you put the phone down on me, so I'm not going to call you for XYZ days' this keeps the conflict going.

What is important when dealing with someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions and is easily triggered is to learn to start disengaging, to not take things personally.

Can you remember what you were talking about that caused him to hang up on you ?

How could you have done things differently, what has worked well for you both before?


How would it feel to just try and let some of this go and move forward again as though you are ok ? Do you think you could do that? Is the relationship one you are still committed to improving, because there are definitely things you can be doing that could improve things.

One of you, and I suspect it will need to be you  Smiling (click to insert in post) is going to have to step away from the old patterns of communicating and try something different.

So if you haven't read the lessons, have a start with one that looks at your role in the relationships ( lesson two ) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913188#msg913188
Logged

Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2016, 12:28:52 PM »

Thanks Jessica, I've read this today actually. Well he managed a phone call to me today. The funny thing is, rather than apologise for what he done and for his absence and coldness he gave his excuse as... .wait for it... .he lost his phone, 2 people he knows died and he's been very sick. Now I would be inclined to believe a non but of course I know it's all bs. I suspect he knows people who died and he adopted them as close friends to use as an excuse but the terminology of the explanation is... we had a row, you never contacted me, I thought you would leave me and so I had to get in first to abandon you. Now I know your not leaving I need to make some drama to distract from my crazy behaviour. That's my guess!
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2016, 12:48:35 PM »

Unfortunately we often don't get an apology. And we often get lied to. Like sweetheart says, we're better off not taking it personally. Sounds like you understand his reasoning very well and how he did what he did to cope ~~~> He felt you abandoned him, so he abandoned you right back, then once he calmed down he tried to hide that's what he did by lying. If you call him on this, you risk triggering his shame or embarrassment. Is it really worth it if he dysregulates all over again?

That is up to you. Depends on your values. Decide where your values and boundaries are and if his ST or lies can or cannot be excused. Some of my values are flexible (I can take a silent treatment or harmless lie once in awhile if I know he's using it to cope the best way he knows how), while others are deal breakers (like cheating).

I read an article on here somewhere about being right to win will make you lose... .something to that effect. Sometimes, I'm afraid we have to let some things slide. I know for me whenever I've put "being right" ahead of the relationship or demanding an apology, I've lost.
Logged

Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2016, 12:49:42 PM »

Thanks Sweetheart, your so right the old behaviour never got us anywhere and I am trying to change some of the ways in which I respond.

LDR work not to bad for us as we see in each every week anyway. I've made very clear that the relationship won't move forward until I see more consistency from him which is a boundary I will not compromise.

I'm trying more to let go of certain things as I need to remember that a lot of his ways he can't change.
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2016, 12:57:05 PM »

How do you enforce a boundary around consistency?

I used to wish for this until I finally realized he may never be capable of it. Consistently shocking me, yes. Being consistent, no. He's not wired for that. It's like expecting a bunny to lay an egg 
Logged

Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2016, 12:59:32 PM »

I agree Jessica, I am over it now.

I made clear about the phone hang ups and my action was to step back and not contact him. I needed to do that for me because I was so annoyed. The rest he took one hundred miles further than it needed to be.

We'll see what the next thing is that's thrown our way and hopefully unless it's a big issue to me I intend to detach from the behaviours.

What is your latest update?
Logged
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2016, 01:02:42 PM »

Haha Jessica!

The consistency thing for me is him not being introduced into my life with my children until we work out some small strategy that means he can't run off for 2 months. If he can't keep it then he doesn't get in. I can deal with the ST and moods but I am not having my children exposed to it until I see a consistency in that regard.
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2016, 01:17:03 PM »

I made clear about the phone hang ups and my action was to step back and not contact him. I needed to do that for me because I was so annoyed. The rest he took one hundred miles further than it needed to be.

Yup. This is what they do. But I noticed with boundary enforcement, they come closer and closer in mileage until they're back inside the lines. Example: I used to get screamed at. I stayed while he screamed. Then I started leaving/hanging up phone every time he screamed. This continued every few days for over a month. I had to leave/hang up constantly. Eventually, he would scream, then stop himself as I was about to leave or hang up. Now, he hardly ever screams. I started this right after reading about extinction bursts. It works on other behaviors too, but not all. Some cannot be changed, no matter what we do. The good news in all this is I learned that changing what WE can, can affect some changes in them too.
Logged

Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2016, 01:22:21 PM »

Haha Jessica!

The consistency thing for me is him not being introduced into my life with my children until we work out some small strategy that means he can't run off for 2 months. If he can't keep it then he doesn't get in. I can deal with the ST and moods but I am not having my children exposed to it until I see a consistency in that regard.

Ahh. Gotcha. That makes sense. I don't have children so there's no one else to protect from his weirdness but myself.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

What makes him run off for 2 months? Have you noticed a pattern? They are said to be 'predictably unpredictable'... .and there is an 'order to the disorder'.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2016, 04:28:18 PM »

pwBPD do things for effect and to get their needs met. When a particular thing consistently proves to neither have an effect nor meet a need it will be dropped. You just have to bash through their delusion that it will.

How long does it take for them to get through these stages varies between individuals and the strength of your convictions. They can sense when you are serious.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #16 on: January 07, 2016, 03:17:37 AM »

Your so right Wanverider and the proof is in the pudding.

The boundaries that I am very fixed on he has never made any attempt to mess with with they are categorically fixed.

I need to work on what is important to me because intermittent reinforcement is pointless. It's either something you'll tolerate or something you won't. No point enforcing a boundary that you don't really believe in yourself because they can detect it's there to be bent.
Logged
Thread
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 312



« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2016, 03:26:52 AM »

Definitely think you need to let him know if he strays you go. That's a boundary for you.

Dysregulating... .My hBPD can be a few hours up to 5 days is I think the longest it's lasted. I really just think it depends on how severe they feel about whatever the situation is. Within three days mine tried to shut down our business and move states away back to his hometown... .Due to a look of disappointment I had given him.

It really just depends I think. It's never consistent and there are triggers that I have learned will push him over the edge like that, so when I see these triggers I know to tread lightly or avoid those things the best I can. For example change is a big trigger, so when there is something new about to happen I have to mind how I talk to him, prepare him mentally for the change to come, talk about it more than once - up to three times, and try to keep it happy and fun. Sometimes it's successful, but I like to say he is usually prickly during those times and takes a lot of work on my part, and to not react to his negativity, and typical negativity directed at me because I enjoy change and am invigorated by it.

Hope that helps a little.
Logged
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #18 on: January 07, 2016, 03:28:47 AM »

Yes Jessica I know I have now set myself up for the 'phone hang up game'! He's done this before with lots of things. I have to just ignore most behaviours and treat his tantrums like that of my children. Ignore the bad, praise the good.

He doesn't actually run away every two months I was just using that more as a metaphor for some of his behaviour. However he does retreat over certain things and has in the past ST me for 6 months and this is what I won't have if he is in my life fully.

To be fair I do detect that he is making an effort to do this but what I have noticed is whilst he will work to improve one boundary he will try to take it out on me in other ways. There is definitely an element of revenge in anything I ask him to do.

I have also noticed that he hates that he wants me so much. It's like he refuses to want and need anyone or anything. This is all when we are apart though that these behaviours are displayed. When together he is pretty much like a sick puppy Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2016, 03:37:00 AM »

Thanks hanging

It's bizarre because until recently I never really knew how much power I had over his emotions. It's funny you should day 'you gave him a look of disappointment' that almost triggered him to close your business. I really hadn't realised the effect my behaviour had on him and thought it was more down to what was in his own head. I am going to think about how I deal with this in future.  Were as I thought this latest episode was more down to me enforcing a boundary (and it could quite well have been) maybe it was down to the fact that I pulled away from him for 8 days that he actually couldn't handle.

They push and push until you abandon them and it must be like total self fullfilling prophecy for them!
Logged
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #20 on: January 07, 2016, 03:43:17 AM »

Another thing Hanging is that he is to frightened to tell me his weak areas as he thinks I will use them against him. I suspect this must have happened in the past. I am still trying to discover what triggers him to avoid it.

Would you recommend a conversation when he is on an even keal and not dysregulating about things that may piss him off or is this a no go area incase he retriggers?

I feel like I have to pretend he's 'normal' to him,  and just act as though his behaviours are similar to everyone's! Is this right?

Do most BPDs actually realise they have a problem?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #21 on: January 07, 2016, 05:56:38 AM »

Their emotions are powerful and not always based in a logical reaction, but they are reactive emotions. Something triggers them, even if it is only a reminder of something else. So yes, we do trigger them a lot, not that we can always be responsible our blame ourselves. We are simply a major factor in their environment and so an unavoidable major source of triggers, real or imagined.

No you don't act like his behaviors are like everyone elses. Only that you you dont think he is a freak or a looser as a result of a lot of them. They are what they are and they are the way they are. Much the same as if they had a physical disability, you work around it and dont draw attention to a lot of it.  You can even learn not to notice much of it once you accept what is, and what is not, acceptable to you.

Until you work out what is important and what is trivial everything compounds to make even minor issues irritating.

If you are making a fuss over endless issues, it will be impossible to make any real progress on individual issues. You will wear yourself out playing whack a mole
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!