Should I intervene when my BF has rage outburst against our child?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I posted this on another board and was advised to post it here. My BPD BF and I still are together.

Hello

My BF has a 9-year old kid who leaves with us a week of 2. When his father (my BF) gets upset with him, he yells at him and I intervene because I don't want my BF to yell at his son's. that makes my BF more upset and he yells at me in front of his son (and my 8-year old one). it makes things worst and i am wondering if it's worth it.

How should I handle that? I tried to calm him down by speaking calmly but it doesn't work either.

thank you

[Isa_lala]

I posted this on another board and was advised to post it here. My BPD BF and I still are together.

Hello

My BF has a 9-year old kid who leaves with us a week of 2. When his father (my BF) gets upset with him, he yells at him and I intervene because I don't want my BF to yell at his son's. that makes my BF more upset and he yells at me in front of his son (and my 8-year old one). it makes things worst and i am wondering if it's worth it.

How should I handle that? I tried to calm him down by speaking calmly but it doesn't work either.

thank you

[ForeverDad]

Boundaries are important, he needs to know what is not allowed.  However, if you don't have much leverage — for example it is his child and not yours — then you have fewer options available to you.

You can also read on our topics for improving your communication skills, however that too can only go so far.

Ponder what your options are.  What Leverage do you have?  Understand that leverage you may have today can fizzle all too quickly under the glare of wide-ranging emotional states.  It's like squeezing a balloon, you can squeeze one part and it just bulges out somewhere else.  Another comparison can be whack-a-mole found in almost every amusement park, hit one spot, another pops up from another hole.

Is there any way he would join in counseling?  Sometimes an emotionally neutral professional can make progress where you in your close emotional relationship can't.  Counseling can work — if he will allow it to work.

[rarsweet]

Is he receptive to talking about his outbursts. Does he acknowledge after the fact that it is wrong. Some people I know realize what they are doing is wrong but in the heat of the moment they just revert to habits. Perhaps if he is receptive you could create a code word or a touch to sort of get him to take a break in the moment. It isn't really a good thing to undermine each other in front of kids. Yet I understand it is hard to watch any kid getting screamed at.

[Isa_lala]

Hello And thank you for your answers.

part of my BF knows that it is wrong to yell like this and he feels guilty afterward. Part of him, though, seems to really believe that his reaction is caused by others. It removes responsibility from his shoulders... .

after last week event, I have waited for the good time to speak to him, but he had stayed distant.

As we moved in together recently, I want to discuss the living together because I am not happy with it and I want to get his input and to let him know what I like and what I doN't like.

of course, I can't tell that i will be able to have this discussion with him as every discussion is difficult and goes into a dead end... .