Should we talk about behaviors to children of BPD's

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I spoke to my son today about my approach to his daughter and how I speak to her about her life with her BPD mother.  My gd does not like "deep" talks about anything so if she talks about her mother I try to listen, find how she feels,  use humor where appropriate (she is quirky and gets this), reassure her that the bad talk about our family will not hurt me but the bit I was a bit concerned about was the type of language I use. I am fairly blunt (I slipped up once lately-In a previous post, and i don't want to do it again).

I gave an example of when her mother was trying to manipulate her into staying home and not see her friends. I asked gd if she knew what that sort of behavior was called and when she said no I said emotional blackmail and told her I realize that is hard for her.

When I asked son if this was OK and should I have said nothing.  His response was that he thinks that sometimes it gives her the language to deal with a situation  and as long as we talk about behavior and not the person it is OK. I might add that gd keeps coming back for more! !

What do others think? ?

[mother in law]

I spoke to my son today about my approach to his daughter and how I speak to her about her life with her BPD mother.  My gd does not like "deep" talks about anything so if she talks about her mother I try to listen, find how she feels,  use humor where appropriate (she is quirky and gets this), reassure her that the bad talk about our family will not hurt me but the bit I was a bit concerned about was the type of language I use. I am fairly blunt (I slipped up once lately-In a previous post, and i don't want to do it again).

I gave an example of when her mother was trying to manipulate her into staying home and not see her friends. I asked gd if she knew what that sort of behavior was called and when she said no I said emotional blackmail and told her I realize that is hard for her.

When I asked son if this was OK and should I have said nothing.  His response was that he thinks that sometimes it gives her the language to deal with a situation  and as long as we talk about behavior and not the person it is OK. I might add that gd keeps coming back for more! !

What do others think? ?

[Nope]

I think you are doing a great job. It is absolutely ok to talk about the behavior and not the person. It is also absolutely ok to talk about the behavior when you see it in another person (like a character on a TV show for example). My DH's kids are preteens and there have been times when I've gone so far as to say, "Your mother is an adult and will live her life the way she sees fit, but for you in your life it's important to know that there are better ways to handle situations like this." And then I've gone on to have a conversation about how situations can better be handled.

I am also very blunt and what I've found as is that although I never attack their mother if I cut through the baloney and am straight forward and relaxed with them they suddenly become far more honest and open with me. They drop the "pretend world" that they created out of necessity where there mom is perfect and can actually go to that more painful place that is reality. It doesn't always happen but when it does I get a gimps of kids I have to worry about much less in the long run.