Am I OK with her selecting a counselor for us in our new location?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  So, we are settling in our new house.  Kids are back in their schools.  Two oldest are still home from college.  This morning I get some texts about scheduling a time to talk about priorities (couldn't have imagined this a year two ago).  Back then she would just "pounce", not prep time for me.  Then I get the following text.  ff wife:  Are you agreeable to me finding us a counselor here   I sent her some thoughts on the next few projects (basically organization stuff) and then send her the following reply.  ff:  I'm ok with you finding a us a counselor up here.  There didn't seem to be anything in the exchange to validate, so I made no attempts.  I'm up for comments.  My take on history.  She used to demand that I find a counselor to fix our issues (and of course I would) and then she would lob grenades about how bad I did, should have gotten a better one, etc etc.  There has been no mention of this or hint that she was thinking about this up until I got this text.  However, we've been in counseling for years, so there is no shock here in my part.  I'm going to look for good news here and assume she is taking ownership.    I obviously want to be aware there could be a hidden agenda, but if it is there, I'm sure it will reveal itself in time, if it's there.  My initial reaction to this is that I am not going to push or get excited about going, but will not be resistant either.  I'll cut the post here and leave it with this question.  What role do I play here and what "tactics" are best to continue good momentum here.  

FF    

[formflier]

  So, we are settling in our new house.  Kids are back in their schools.  Two oldest are still home from college.  This morning I get some texts about scheduling a time to talk about priorities (couldn't have imagined this a year two ago).  Back then she would just "pounce", not prep time for me.  Then I get the following text.  ff wife:  Are you agreeable to me finding us a counselor here   I sent her some thoughts on the next few projects (basically organization stuff) and then send her the following reply.  ff:  I'm ok with you finding a us a counselor up here.  There didn't seem to be anything in the exchange to validate, so I made no attempts.  I'm up for comments.  My take on history.  She used to demand that I find a counselor to fix our issues (and of course I would) and then she would lob grenades about how bad I did, should have gotten a better one, etc etc.  There has been no mention of this or hint that she was thinking about this up until I got this text.  However, we've been in counseling for years, so there is no shock here in my part.  I'm going to look for good news here and assume she is taking ownership.    I obviously want to be aware there could be a hidden agenda, but if it is there, I'm sure it will reveal itself in time, if it's there.  My initial reaction to this is that I am not going to push or get excited about going, but will not be resistant either.  I'll cut the post here and leave it with this question.  What role do I play here and what "tactics" are best to continue good momentum here.  

FF    

[Fian]

I personally think it is fine that she initially finds the counselor, however eventually you also will need to agree that the counselor is "good".  The counselor needs the trust and respect of both parties, not just one.  So agreeing to let her find the counselor is not the same as agreeing that you will continue to use that counselor till the end of time - you need the flexibility to say later that you think that another counselor needs to be found.

[formflier]

I personally think it is fine that she initially finds the counselor, however eventually you also will need to agree that the counselor is "good".  The counselor needs the trust and respect of both parties, not just one.  So agreeing to let her find the counselor is not the same as agreeing that you will continue to use that counselor till the end of time - you need the flexibility to say later that you think that another counselor needs to be found.

 Totally agree on this.  Do I try to set the ground rules ahead of time (I think not)?  Or do I just roll with it and if issues come up, handle them directly at that time?  Here is the thing, I've never quit one.  We've gone through 5 or 6.    Honestly though we've only had two MCs and one "family counselor" since I knew about BPD and was trying to do lessons, follow rules and all that.  One of the MCs in that list was the one that mentioned BPD after my wife "quit".  So I guess I should say 1 MC since I have been on this site and 1 family counselor (kids involved and all that)  

FF

[Fian]

Will she say you broke your word if you don't like the one that she chooses?  If so, I would recommend giving her advance notice.

[chump]

I think you're right on track with a neutral, open, cooperative posture - not too much either way. As you say, it's a positive step that she's taking ownership of the process for selecting a counselor, almost independent of any other agenda. Even if there is another agenda buried in there somewhere, it's still positive that she take proactive steps even if all the motives aren't 100% altruistic, and they may be.

As you've said, this seems like a really positive development. Imagine all the members on here who would kill for their partner to proactively approach them about seeking out a marriage counselor.

Fingers crossed for you.

Chump

[GaGrl]

You should select your individual therapist, she should select hers, and each of you should interview several MCs in order to agree on one that will work jointly.

[Moselle]

Totally agree on this.  :)o I try to set the ground rules ahead of time (I think not)?  Or do I just roll with it and if issues come up, handle them directly at that time.

I think it's a hugely positive step for her, and I also think she might find it invalidating if you communicated a veto right. If you framed it that way.

I like Gagrl's suggestion on this one. MC is a mutual decision having discovered various options. Individual T is a personal choice

If you frame it positively that you would gladly consider it as an option having considered a few, she might even feel validated that she was part of the team decision making process this time.

You might consider asking her what her opinion is on selection criteria. eg years of experience, qualifications, previous MC successes, experience with conflict couples etc.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I'm sure you've thought of this, but she'll "like" the counselor if they side with her, and she'll likely "dislike" the counselor if they don't. Or maybe your wife is more willing to look at her issues, and less blaming?

My whole problem with MC has been triangulation, and us not actually getting the tools we need to use. We are looking to start MC again, and I'm hoping for a better outcome this time. This therapist has impressed me so far, but we'll see how she manages all the one sided blame that derailed all other attempts. She says she'll focus on communication(Yay!), and our actual issues. I'm guardedly optimistic.

Have you ever gone to a MC long term, or does your wife always find a reason to stop seeing them if they just don't agree with her?