When they trigger you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

What are things you do when your BPD partner triggers you? When it feels like a drive-by shooting! When you're surprised by something they say and even more surprised by your own feelings? How do you calm yourself in a few seconds before the BPD notices?

I got to where he could dangle some bait and I finally stopped falling for it... .eventually he put away the bait. A year later, he dangles the same bait again and I'm triggered. Frustrated with myself. The worst bait is threatening to find someone new. He used to do this a lot, and it made me feel so disposable, like he was only with me because there wasn't anyone else on his radar. Today he called and told me about some health problems and how "no woman will ever want to sleep with me again with all these old man problems!"

Instead of seeing he might be looking for assurance that I was still attracted to him or validating his feelings, I took it as him wanting another woman. Just where my mind went. I took it personally and went silent. Better to be quiet than to react while I try to calm my emotions.

3-2-1- time's up!

He took my silence as anger and said he didn't want to argue, even though I wasn't arguing. I didn't say anything until he changed the subject. This one caught me by surprise - it's been a long time since I took this particular bait. Doesn't help that he said he was 'thinking' of breaking up earlier this week. I find myself walking on eggshells again, scared of saying the wrong thing. Worried if I can't relax around him again, it's going to keep getting more tense between us. Very frustrating since we were in such good shape a week ago!

[Jessica84]

What are things you do when your BPD partner triggers you? When it feels like a drive-by shooting! When you're surprised by something they say and even more surprised by your own feelings? How do you calm yourself in a few seconds before the BPD notices?

I got to where he could dangle some bait and I finally stopped falling for it... .eventually he put away the bait. A year later, he dangles the same bait again and I'm triggered. Frustrated with myself. The worst bait is threatening to find someone new. He used to do this a lot, and it made me feel so disposable, like he was only with me because there wasn't anyone else on his radar. Today he called and told me about some health problems and how "no woman will ever want to sleep with me again with all these old man problems!"

Instead of seeing he might be looking for assurance that I was still attracted to him or validating his feelings, I took it as him wanting another woman. Just where my mind went. I took it personally and went silent. Better to be quiet than to react while I try to calm my emotions.

3-2-1- time's up!

He took my silence as anger and said he didn't want to argue, even though I wasn't arguing. I didn't say anything until he changed the subject. This one caught me by surprise - it's been a long time since I took this particular bait. Doesn't help that he said he was 'thinking' of breaking up earlier this week. I find myself walking on eggshells again, scared of saying the wrong thing. Worried if I can't relax around him again, it's going to keep getting more tense between us. Very frustrating since we were in such good shape a week ago!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ProKonig]

It takes a decent amount to properly trigger me. It's usually consistent grinding down over a prolonged period, using the same trigger again and again. The first week I deal with it well, the second week I'm a bit exasperated, the third week I'm biting my tongue and the final week I get massively triggered. She won't accept my validation until I'm triggered. She needs the breakdown almost, it's insane.

I think identifying the behaviour as classic BPD high validation needs is important. With regards for him looking for other women, it's imossible to say, I'm sure you are the best judge of his behaviour. I think maybe it'll be important to validate but also express your own feelings. So you have to engage on two fronts (some might disagree):

1. Highlighting that what he said has upset you in some way, and ask for clarification of his meaning.

2. Ask him what he's feeling and validate etc etc etc

If it doesn't work... .it's trial and error, but I don't think you should invalidate your own emotions in terms of what he is saying. BPDs are pretty bad at acknowledging what you might be feeling right? So it's best to make it clear. Then at least you've laid down a boundary by highlighting you are already upset and would like to resolve it. Any breach of that, it's clearer to them why you may have to walk away during dysregulation.

[formflier]

  Couple of things:  1.  I know where my triggers lie.  She does to.  I am unapologetic about using boundaries to protect myself from her using her "tools" on me to get a trigger.  Last night I spent the night in a hotel room.  Sucks, but I wasn't triggered.  Had I stayed and tried to sort things out at 1 in the morning, it is likely that I would have been triggered.  2.  When you go a while without "bad behavior" on the part of the pwBPD, it seems a bit shocking when it comes back.  Realize this.  Adjust your feelings and attitude.  3.  When I do get triggered, admit it and protect yourself.  "I'm going to leave now before I say something we will both regret" (or variations on that statement) is something that I often say when I am triggered or feel it on the way.  Hope this helps  

FF

[leggomyeggshell]

They will trigger you; there's just no way to deal with someone who is that immature without them saying something that annoys you... .  You are smart to attempt to avoid conflict; however, it may still not be enough to fix the situation and you might be playing similar dramas out ten years from now.  Normally they will say the annoying thing because they subconsciously know it annoys you and they are dying for a reaction (my pwBPD actually acknowledged last week in a moment of clarity that she might be addicted to the adrenaline that comes from conflict.  Followed by another week of conflict where she exhibited no such self awareness).  Also they seem to be hanging on every word, "hoping" you will make a slip, when for example another person might just relax and watch a tv show. Not giving a reaction might even make things worse.  Everyone comes on this board, including me, wishing there is a magic solution that would make our partners "normal", i.e. more like what we and the rest of society are used to, with less chaos and less disrespect.  I can't speak for all BPDs but for mine, chaos and infighting were normal for her growing up; all I am doing is trying to bring her around to my (and the majority of society's) definition of normal.  It's not a wonder that she resists this as much as others might resist her version of normalcy.

[waverider]

When I get triggered and react in a way which doesn't come remotely close to 'best practice', then so be it. I recognize it and dont allow myself to feel guilty for being human. From there i can use whatever methods to avoid escalation.

It is about recognizing your emotions and reactions so you can better then deal with the consequence. To be totally immune to triggering means emotionally depriving yourself.

They are often looking for this burst of reaction from you, witholding may just keep them looking harder, better to have the burst then give it no mileage (ie no reward).

As leggo points out 'no reaction" is abnormal for them and so may even seem sinister.

[Notwendy]

We should be aware of our feelings. Feelings tell us something about us. A person can trigger us and then, we feel uncomfortable. I don't think it is so much about not letting the other person be aware that we are triggered than to hand the keys to our happiness to them by being reactive to the trigger.

One of the laundry list items from ACOA that stood out to me was " we became reactors rather than actors" and when this happens, we feel helpless and out of control. One reason a comment can trigger us is if we buy into it as some kind of truth or possible truth, but what someone with BPD says is their idea, it doesn't have to be ours.

So I decided to listen to the things that trigger me and then, pay attention to my feelings and evaluate the situation. Some of these statements were said in anger, were projections, and more reflective of the pw BPD than any truth about me. Now, if they were possibly true- if I did hurt someone's feelings, then this could be discussed, but not in the moment. If I am triggered, then I am not at my best to discuss something emotional.

I didn't hide my feelings but I did work at being less reactive- not to JADE, discuss, dispute, or say something back. Instead, I excited the conversation. I'd say something like " I don't think I can discuss this now"- making sure the focus was on me - "I can't talk now" not anything with the word "You".  Since the bait was just that, bait, not taking the bait diminished the power of baiting me. I felt less reactive.

We also can get triggered when we are afraid. Yet, we can still own our own fears and how we react to them. Yes, it is scary to hear " I'm going to find someone else", but think about this. Does he really mean this, or is he expressing his own fears, using this statement to scare you too? He may not mean this at all, but it makes him feel as if he has some control over you possibly leaving.

As WW said, sometimes we do react in ways we don't want to, but being less reactive can change how other people use triggers to engage us in drama that we don't want to participate in.

[steve195915]

What are things you do when your BPD partner triggers you? When it feels like a drive-by shooting! When you're surprised by something they say and even more surprised by your own feelings? How do you calm yourself in a few seconds before the BPD notices?

I got to where he could dangle some bait and I finally stopped falling for it... .eventually he put away the bait. A year later, he dangles the same bait again and I'm triggered. Frustrated with myself. The worst bait is threatening to find someone new. He used to do this a lot, and it made me feel so disposable, like he was only with me because there wasn't anyone else on his radar. Today he called and told me about some health problems and how "no woman will ever want to sleep with me again with all these old man problems!"

Instead of seeing he might be looking for assurance that I was still attracted to him or validating his feelings, I took it as him wanting another woman. Just where my mind went. I took it personally and went silent. Better to be quiet than to react while I try to calm my emotions.

3-2-1- time's up!

He took my silence as anger and said he didn't want to argue, even though I wasn't arguing. I didn't say anything until he changed the subject. This one caught me by surprise - it's been a long time since I took this particular bait. Doesn't help that he said he was 'thinking' of breaking up earlier this week. I find myself walking on eggshells again, scared of saying the wrong thing. Worried if I can't relax around him again, it's going to keep getting more tense between us. Very frustrating since we were in such good shape a week ago!

Since all relationships aren't identical and pwBPD may not act exactly the same in all situations I thought I'd share my story and maybe you can try it and see what response you get.

For my relationship my SO would often threaten to end the relationship.  I think part of it was a control thing for her, to get me to react and beg her to stay was her expectation and then she could stay and get concessions from me or she could leave and she knew she had me back on her whim.  One time when she was saying the relationship was over and saying very negative things about me, I changed my response.  I just calmly said that I understand that she is not happy with me and is ending the relationship, and although I love her and want a relationship with her, and though it will be very painful, I will accept it and move on with my life and I wish her all the happiness and the best for her future.

What a shock that was to her, so her response changed to "I never said it was over, I was just thinking I may need some time to think".  My change in response resulted in her to be the one pursuing me.  She didn't want me out of her life as that is completely losing control and then she would be alone.   Since I also explained it's my understanding it's what she wanted thus it's her that's causing it, you can see why she changed her attitude completely.

I know it may be scary to say this because you may fear that they agree with what you said and do end the relationship.  My thoughts on this is if they really are unhappy with you and want to end the relationship, then there is no point to keep the relationship going anyways.  When I said that, I was prepared to move on anyways, I was tired of all the constant breakups and threats and that would have brought me closure as well if she agreed she wasn't happy and that we should end it and move on.

Anyways, just an idea. 

[Jessica84]

Thank for all the responses. Each and every one is so very helpful. I really have to remember that when he does find a way to trigger me, it was meant to provoke me. Because most of the time, I recognize it and don't give in.

I gave him space to calm down since his latest spiral, but I realize that benefited me more than him. What he needed was to punish me for words I had long forgotten!

We had a long conversation where I found out he was holding onto something I said 2 weeks ago and worked himself into a tizzy of anger, confusion and depression. But, instead of telling me why he was upset, he just pushed buttons as hard as he could. Triggering me on purpose. Yeah, that's healthy. 

When I learned what was bothering him, I was able to apologize without JADEing and give him lots of validation. By the end, I got "do you still love me?" So sad. Of course I still love him, but I wish he could've just said "I'm upset about something you said. Can we talk about it?" If only... .

[Jessica84]

Steve - we cross-posted! I've done this too. And he did in fact end the relationship. For about a day. He had to go thru with it to not look unstable I guess. Next day, he called like nothing happened. I acted as though nothing happened. He broke it off again a few months later. My response was simply "ok". Then came the suicide threats 3 days later.

The turning point was him asking for a 6 month break. When he kept texting me that night, I told him I would give him his 6 months and then I blocked him. Next day, he emailed asking if I really blocked him. I ignored. His emails continued. 8 days later he came over because he needed to see me. Hasn't ended the relationship since. Even this time on his last threat. I think when they realize we're willing to move on is when they stop using it as a weapon.

I remember a time when we broke up 3 times in 1 weekend! By that Sunday, I was totally exhausted and told him he needed professional help. Then... .I discovered BPD.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Our MC was going over this issue in our last session, mostly aimed towards our future sessions where he apparently expects things to become heated. His main point is that we all become dysregulated from time to time. Our goals when this happens should be 1) become aware that we are dysregulating and 2) self-soothing. The first point was especially relevant for me because I had been dysregulating since before the session started and I didn't really realize that.

Our MC has an office that is located downtown and I work about 20-30 miles away. Our house is along the way so I leave work and pick up my wife when we go. This day traffic was horrendous so I was stressed out about that. My wife gave me a couple of not-so-subtle digs on the way there and was in rare form at the therapist talking about all kinds of her religious beliefs, both of which are triggers for me. Right after he spoke about regulation/dysregulation she was trying to say something that I felt was going to be about me and I asked her if she would just say it and stop beating around the bush. The MC said to me "You're dysregulating right now" and my first response was "No I'm not!" That was when I realized that sure enough I was dysregulating.

Afterwards I realized that I dysregulate in small ways a lot more than I thought. I've even noticed that I've perpetuated a slow-burn dysregulation sometimes by reading/posting here. By noticing my dysregulation earlier I can start the self-soothing process a lot earlier which will keep me in a more comfortable space overall. And if I'm in a better space then my relationship will be to.

[globalnomad]

2.  When you go a while without "bad behavior" on the part of the pwBPD, it seems a bit shocking when it comes back.  Realize this.  Adjust your feelings and attitude.

This is one thing that gets me over and over again. I get lulled into a false sense of security when things are good for a couple of weeks. Then, bam -- out of nowhere -- she dysregulates over some minor matter and it hits me harder than ever before. I am learning to become more guarded and even keeled. In a sense this means walking on eggshells a bit, even when things are good. I am not sure if this is healthy or not -- or sustainable for my mental and physical health for the longer term. 

[Cat Familiar]

I have a conundrum: if I'm emotionally open to my husband, then I'm vulnerable to him triggering me, and he's very good at that indeed; it's an art form with him and he can twist it so that he claims he's completely innocent about the inflammatory language he uses and that he's the victim. If I have a reaction to something he says, then I'm criticizing him. If I'm emotionally closed to him, then I'm not vulnerable.

Obviously I don't want to be vulnerable to his snarky comments and his passive aggressive insults. I can ignore them for a while, but then I find myself starting to get hurt and outraged at being treated that way. If I identify this feeling, then he projects that I'm insulting him. ARGHHHHHH!

[waverider]

If I identify this feeling,

Thats your right

then he projects that I'm insulting him. ARGHHHHHH!

Thats his problem, and is likely to happen regardless. From there normal coping tools for inappropriate behavior are applied, except you will be better at it because you haven't bottled up the unspoken angst.


If he has no idea what upsets you there is no chance of changing the behavior and it goes off issue.

Much the same as boundaries you can't apply them if it is not clear what the boundary is.

eg> For me projecting onto kids and we are done talking, and I am not afraid to show it makes me angry. If I try to say nothijng sooner or later frustration wil push me into JADE.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I don't want to be vulnerable to his snarky comments and his passive aggressive insults. I can ignore them for a while, but then I find myself starting to get hurt and outraged at being treated that way

This statement demonstrates my previous post. Ignoring the snark and PAI (of which my wife too is an expert) for a while only allows the triggers to build up until they explode. Self-soothing during an after every one of these attacks helps to keep me centered and understand that they are only rantings from a three year old.

I was experiencing this stuff just last night as my wife and I were discussing our MC. She has to point out in explicit detail all of my failings in our relationship and how our therapist is pointing his words in my direction. I stayed mostly centered throughout the whole thing and could tell that my wife exhibits a great deal of stress and anxiety about these sessions. I also noticed yet again that she will never admit to these feelings because somehow they represent a threat to her.

[CrazyChuck]

I have found if my uBPDw does something that really hurts me, and I talk to her about it. That will be her new trigger. We could just be watching tv and she will just say whatever I last told her hurts me. Then if I say anything like "You know that hurts me, we talked about it, why would you say it again?", she then gets pissed that I am so insecure and she hates that about me.

[Cat Familiar]

If I identify this feeling,

Thats your right

then he projects that I'm insulting him. ARGHHHHHH!

Thats his problem, and is likely to happen regardless. From there normal coping tools for inappropriate behavior are applied, except you will be better at it because you haven't bottled up the unspoken angst.


If he has no idea what upsets you there is no chance of changing the behavior and it goes off issue.

Thanks, waverider. Sometimes I feel like I've got to be Mother Teresa to put up with the ambient snarkiness and passive aggressiveness.

Ignoring the snark and PAI (of which my wife too is an expert) for a while only allows the triggers to build up until they explode. Self-soothing during an after every one of these attacks helps to keep me centered and understand that they are only rantings from a three year old.

I was experiencing this stuff just last night as my wife and I were discussing our MC. She has to point out in explicit detail all of my failings in our relationship and how our therapist is pointing his words in my direction. I stayed mostly centered throughout the whole thing and could tell that my wife exhibits a great deal of stress and anxiety about these sessions. I also noticed yet again that she will never admit to these feelings because somehow they represent a threat to her.

Yes, my husband never admits to his anger. It's so obvious. All you have to do is to look at his face. Anyone could see it. Instead, he projects it upon me. I tell him that I'm not angry and he will argue that I am. I tell him that I don't want him telling me how I feel or what I think. He can think his own thoughts and have his own feelings, but I'm in charge of mine. Ultimately he will insist that I'm angry and by that time then I really am.

I realize now that this is an exercise in futility. I need to leave the conversation whenever he starts identifying my feelings and thoughts.

I have found if my uBPDw does something that really hurts me, and I talk to her about it. That will be her new trigger. We could just be watching tv and she will just say whatever I last told her hurts me. Then if I say anything like "You know that hurts me, we talked about it, why would you say it again?", she then gets pissed that I am so insecure and she hates that about me.

It's horrible when you're honest and open with them and all it does is give them another weapon in their arsenal.

[formflier]

  I need to leave the conversation whenever he starts identifying my feelings and thoughts.  

 You and me both.  I think I'm about 80 to 90% effective on this.  Still want to get better.    This is a trigger for me.  I used to fire back at my wife or ask her to explain how she can read my mind.  My current thing is to offer to share my opinion, thought or feeling if she is interested.    There is probably an even better way.  I'm open to ideas.   

FF

[Cat Familiar]

  I need to leave the conversation whenever he starts identifying my feelings and thoughts.

You and me both.  I think I'm about 80 to 90% effective on this.  Still want to get better. 

This is a trigger for me.  I used to fire back at my wife or ask her to explain how she can read my mind.

My current thing is to offer to share my opinion, thought or feeling if she is interested. 

There is probably an even better way.  I'm open to ideas. 

FF

FF, you're several steps ahead of me. Now I see your process, maybe it will help me make a leap to the next phase. I like the "offer to share" your opinion, thought or feeling.

[empath]

I only share feelings if asked and if I'm at a place where I can stand up for myself with grace and compassion.  The last time he asked, I told him what I felt, and he started arguing with me that I was wrong  because he would feel something different. So, I said I knew. Then I said I get to define what I feel and that he starts arguing with me when I tell him what I feel. He thinks empathy is about what he would feel in others situations.

As I was reflecting on it, he seems threatened by the fact that I feel different emotions than he does in similar situations. 

[Cole]

The only time I get triggered is when she is dyreg (or getting close) and purposely pees in my Wheaties. When in balance, she has told me she does this because she is mad and scared and wants someone else to be mad and scared, too, when she is in that state.

 

About 3 months ago I decided enough is enough. When she gets like that I now disassociate myself from the situation and look at it from the purely logical approach I had to use when responding to domestic disputes as a police officer. I show no emotion and tell her that if she cannot respond in a calm, logical manner I am not talking to her. Then I walk away.

At first, this caused her to try even harder to push my buttons. But I held my line and eventually she realized it was futile. This behavior has drastically decreased in occurrences and in length.   

[TheRealJongoBong]

I only share feelings if asked and if I'm at a place where I can stand up for myself with grace and compassion.

I try this too. The only thing is when I share my feelings I'm told that I'm wrong, that I'm really feeling something else. Then I say "OK" and move on. It's not worth the brain damage to take it any further.

[Cat Familiar]

Jongo, you're a better person than me. It infuriates me when I'm told I'm feeling something other than what I actually feel.

Once, I was able to get past this feeling when he told me I was "projecting" and it was he who was doing just that. I had to stifle a smile.

[Jessica84]

This one gets me... .":)on't be mad"

IF I AM mad, so what? I'm allowed to be. If I am NOT mad, then don't assume I am.

A derivative of this is the "Sorry you're mad" - 1) once again assumes I am mad. 2) let's say I am mad. It's not exactly an apology for the cause of my anger... he's sorry for my feelings, not his actions. Kind of like the "I'm sorry you feel that way" vs "I'm sorry I did xyz".

[waverider]

I only share feelings if asked and if I'm at a place where I can stand up for myself with grace and compassion.

I try this too. The only thing is when I share my feelings I'm told that I'm wrong, that I'm really feeling something else. Then I say "OK" and move on. It's not worth the brain damage to take it any further.

This has been my routine procedure whenever I am stating my reality on many issues, I will say I believe XYZ, she will auto say no its ABC,  my reply is simply 'OK" then move on unless it is of extreme importance.  It airs my view without leaving any extra fuel to burn. It feels like you are sneaking your reality out, but truth is they are more likely to recall it later as it doesn't get buried behind a whole lot of defensive counter claims.

[empath]

I was watching a TV show the other evening, and one of the characters said "sorry you feel that way". The response was, "yeah, that's not an apology." There was a proper apology later. H  was watching with me but didn't seem to get it.

Sometimes I imagine saying that. Fantasies.  

[Jessica84]

I only share feelings if asked and if I'm at a place where I can stand up for myself with grace and compassion.

I try this too. The only thing is when I share my feelings I'm told that I'm wrong, that I'm really feeling something else. Then I say "OK" and move on. It's not worth the brain damage to take it any further.

This has been my routine procedure whenever I am stating my reality on many issues, I will say I believe XYZ, she will auto say no its ABC,  my reply is simply 'OK" then move on unless it is of extreme importance.  It airs my view without leaving any extra fuel to burn. It feels like you are sneaking your reality out, but truth is they are more likely to recall it later as it doesn't get buried behind a whole lot of defensive counter claims.

This makes sense, but I haven't experienced it. His truth is the only truth. If my religious or political beliefs don't line up exactly with his, I'm wrong and always will be.

There is no agreeing to disagree. If I express a different opinion he looks at me like I'm an alien. His face distorts disapprovingly, his blood pressure rises. In those times, I try to see him as a confused child. Not a curious child who wants to understand new ideas, but a scared, disturbed child who needs things kept simple.

"Ok" is sometimes the best response. 

[Cat Familiar]

His truth is the only truth. If my religious or political beliefs don't line up exactly with his, I'm wrong and always will be.

There is no agreeing to disagree. If I express a different opinion he looks at me like I'm an alien.

Even though my husband's and my political beliefs are 99.9% the same, that .1% is troublesome when he knows I disagree about some policy issue. It would be hard to find someone who agreed with him more than I, but it riles him that I'm not exactly like him.

Regarding religion, he's a Buddhist, while I'm amused by all the internecine conflicts in that religion which is purported to be all about acceptance. I think he was hoping I would be interested in his practice. I did go to an empowerment when we first got together, but it was given by a Tibetan who allegedly spoke English, though I couldn't identify a word that I recognized. For me, it was like two hours of watching paint dry after a few minutes of viewing it from an anthropological perspective.

[waverider]

I only share feelings if asked and if I'm at a place where I can stand up for myself with grace and compassion.

I try this too. The only thing is when I share my feelings I'm told that I'm wrong, that I'm really feeling something else. Then I say "OK" and move on. It's not worth the brain damage to take it any further.

This has been my routine procedure whenever I am stating my reality on many issues, I will say I believe XYZ, she will auto say no its ABC,  my reply is simply 'OK" then move on unless it is of extreme importance.  It airs my view without leaving any extra fuel to burn. It feels like you are sneaking your reality out, but truth is they are more likely to recall it later as it doesn't get buried behind a whole lot of defensive counter claims.

This makes sense, but I haven't experienced it. His truth is the only truth. If my religious or political beliefs don't line up exactly with his, I'm wrong and always will be.

There is no agreeing to disagree. If I express a different opinion he looks at me like I'm an alien. His face distorts disapprovingly, his blood pressure rises. In those times, I try to see him as a confused child. Not a curious child who wants to understand new ideas, but a scared, disturbed child who needs things kept simple.

"Ok" is sometimes the best response. 

Its not about agreeing on a resolution though, it is about minimizing the odds that your truth is twisted by the application of layers of nonsense. ie Dont add rocks to the landslide

[TheRealJongoBong]

Its not about agreeing on a resolution though, it is about minimizing the odds that your truth is twisted by the application of layers of nonsense. ie Dont add rocks to the landslide

I used to stand up for myself or the truth as I saw it. The emotional backlash that I experienced as well as the complete lack of effect it had made me change my mind. I know what I am and I know what my truth is, I don't need her agreement to make myself feel better. I would like to share my life with her but she's far to busy creating her own world and defending it to do that.

[CrazyChuck]

The most recent triggers for my uBPDw is to make fun of my penis. So now we will be having a great time and she will just pull open the front of my shorts and say something like "Hey little guy. You're so tiny.". As soon as I said that hurt my feelings, she flew into a rage about me being insecure. And then I was changing clothes and she said "It must be cold in here" and started laughing. When I said that hurt my feelings, she flew into a rage about it was a joke and I ruined another day. Both times came after several great days of no problems. It is so strange to be so in love and feel so loved and then get smacked with a trigger for no reason.