My wife's relationship with our kids

[formflier]

 There have been some questions to me via PM about how my wife gets along with kids and how things work in our family.  I'll try to share some here about the past and where we are at now, which is much improved.    There is hope for a better r/s with a wife with BPD traits and to have less of an impact on children  Quick recap:  We have 8 kids.  Wife showed some high maintenance issues and other red flags for first 15 years of marriage.  I was deployed a lot with Navy, so that kept some distance between us, which I'm sure helped keep issues under the table.  Year 15 we were forced from our home due to natural disaster.  We were out for 6 months or so.  BPD traits went nuclear during this period and I, out of ignorance, did pretty much everything wrong to make it worse.  This continued for several years of downward spiral.  A couple years ago a MC suggested I read SWOE and mentioned BPD for first time ever.  I had never heard of it before then.  I quickly found BPD family and things began to get better in our r/s, after I understood the r/s dynamic I was in and after I decided to change the role I played in our r/s.  My wife was not involved in any of these decisions.  I decided and did this totally on my own.  I used to think that if I could just convince her she had a problem and needed help, things would be better.  That never worked for me.  I describe my wife as a good mom.  If you want to get technical I would say during the bad periods it was 90% good and 10% bad.  Lately I would say high 90s good.  The problem is that the "bad" behavior can get really bad (and it did) and overshadow everything else, if you let it.  Yes, you (the non) are in charge of how you perceive and respond to the bad behavior.  The worst of it:  D1 (at the time) toddled out into the road.  Three older children and my wife were outside with her.  I was inside to protect myself from my wife being nasty verbally and to have some space.  Driver honked and perhaps brought D1 back to my wife (I didn't see this).  Wife drags older three kicking and screaming into the house, takes them to back room and proceeds to deliver a beating with a belt, the likes of which I have never heard in my life.  Full disclosure:  I believe in corporal punishment that is applied Biblically. Our family practiced this successfully for 17 years or so.  I ran to room and stood between my wife and kids.  Wife refused then and in counseling to take a break from corporal punishment so I reported the incident to DSS (social services).  This resulted in a therapeutic separation for several months as I lived a few minutes away, kids were passed back and forth, and we were guided by a family therapist.    I assumed when I did this that my wife would end the marriage.  She has threatened to end it hundreds of times (literally).  I believe last threat was this past summer.  This issue is pretty much gone.  Anyway I was clear in my mind that I was choosing my kids safety over her if it came to that.  We ended the separation and continued under guidance of MC and FT.  We no longer use corporal punishment.    Now, the worst of it is some occasional disrespect to me in front of the kids.  She may make outlandish claims and curse at me (and them).  If I don't engage with it, it blows through fairly quickly.  The rest of the time she in encouraging to them, is great with homework help, organizing the home.  Talking to them about managing relationships (she doesn't follow her own advice).  She is great cook.  Her background is in early childhood education.  She understand and practices validation and proper emotional support for a child, up until she gets stressed and starts to lash out.  Lashing out is getting more and more rare.  A question that regularly comes up is would you/should you have kids with a pwBPD.  Incredibly personal decision, so my comments apply only to me.   It is unlikely that we will have more kids due to age and family dynamics.  If her "recovery" continues I could see myself softening on this but it is unlikely that I would ever "push" to have more kids.  When our youngest was around 2, it was about time for us to have another baby around.  We decided to get a small dog instead.  That way my wife can carry around something that weighs 5-6 pounds and she can love on it.  This has worked wonders and is a great addition to our family.  Like most of us, we have complicated family situations and stories.  I've only started to scratch the surface, so ask away if you have questions.    Remember:  The majority of the improvement in the r/s has come from this that I decided and that I controlled and then letting those new choices nudge the r/s to a better place.  

FF  

[livednlearned]

Are any of the kids showing BPD traits?

[formflier]

Luckily, nothing is "in your face".  So my answer is no.  D5 is my biggest "emotional concern" right now.  And I will say that I think we have her on the right path.  During the move we had the option to pull her from kindergarten and 3/4 of a year of pre-school before putting her back in kindergarten this coming fall.  We were able to get in a program run through a university that focus on emotional development of kids (rather than counting, reading and all that).  We are really happy with the progress she has made.  I've not totally relaxed on this, but and very pleased at progress.    D18 was "oppositional" as a child but grew out of it.  I thought we had seen it all until D5 came along.    If you guys do the math of my story D5 was born just before our family was forced from our home due to natural disaster and BPD traits came into full bloom for a few years in our family.  We'll never know exactly how much of that contributed to her issues, but I am positive it was a huge part of it.  One of the things that I try to influence my kids on (since in a way the older ones are a big parental influence on the youngers) is instead of telling kids what not to do, tell the what to do.  Before I got on this kick a while back if you sat around and heard them talking to each other it was very negative.  Still working on this.  

FF