And so it starts again...

[wundress]

For days my wife has been talking about us breaking up again because she is afraid of hurting me. We have lived apart from several months but time apart is usually only Sunday night to Wednesday. 

She is slipping into depression and for the umpteenth time has said she doesn't think we could live together again. Only last night our counsellor said how well we are doing and that things should be moving forwards.

My wife just told me she feels lost, can't let me be close to her, wants to give up her hobbies and her friends. She has been crying a lot. And I just overheard her talking to herself in the bath telling herself that she deserves people to hate her and that she deserves everything she gets.

Not sure what to do for the best... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

a couple of thoughts wundress,  my partner just went through a serious mood swing where she cried for almost 40 straight hours,   I get how difficult it is.   I ended up leaving so as not to make the situation worse.   

mental illness is not logical, your counselor can see how well you are doing, you might see how well things are going, the chemical and emotional storm swirling inside your wife prevents her from sharing that vision of reality right now.  Don't JADE.   Validate when you can.   Don't validate the invalid.    It's invalid that she deserves people to hate her.   It's valid to her that she has acted in ways that have disappointed and upset both herself and the people around her.   Try and keep the emotional reactivity low by understanding where the dividing line between her illness and your relationship is.  I like to say react to the illness first.   find a way to calm and center yourself.  I understand that is very difficult to do and sometimes you just bloody can't.   give it your best shot.

find a way to take a break so you can have a couple of hours of peace and quiet to recharge your batteries.   

breaking the cycle can help end an episode of dsyregulation.

[wundress]

I just don't think I can do it anymore. I keep getting my heart broken.

[Notwendy]

I know this is tough.

As ':)ucks said- is it possible to react to the illness but not what she says when she is down? I watched my mother with BPD do this- cry, say she was leaving my dad. But when she felt better, she didn't mean those things and in fact, forgot most of what she said.

Of course if her depression is life threatening you don't wait this out -you know to get immediate help. Sometimes the venting is sort of emotional vomiting. They can't process negative emotions so they have to get them out. When it's over for them, it's over, but for us, we can feel the emotional effects of it unless we too can be detached from those feelings which are hard to deal with in the moment.

[babyducks]

I absolutely understand your pain.   and why things would look dark and grim.   being involved with someone with a serious mental illness is difficult.    it takes a very special kind of acceptance to say my partner is going to loose touch with reality from time to time and become maniac or suicidal or deeply depressed and I have little to no control over that.   it is important to understand what a relationship with a mentally ill person is like in terms of consistency and respect.

you don't have to let her emotions or illness drive you to an impulsive decision.   that is what the steps and tools are for on the undecided board.   you can walk you way right down those steps and make a decision that is best for you.

or you can dive into the lessons and tools hereon this board,  and work on finding the inner strength and hope to go on.  

this is hard stuff.    

what can you do in the very short term to take some of the pressure of you, and give you some relief from what you have been experiencing for the last week?

[Notwendy]

However- you also have the right to take care of yourself. This  includes choosing what you will or will not deal with. Although this is the staying board- that does not negate that we have choices - including choosing to stay or not stay in the relationship. These are not easy choices- best not made in a moment of emotion, but still a choice.

Ducks suggestions are good ones. The lessons are helpful in gainer perspective.

[wundress]

I feel really sad and angry because I thought she was getting better but now it seems worse. She doesn't make any sense. Like you say, it seems like emotional vomit. She says whatever she likes, expects me to deal with it, forgets what she's said and then gets angry when I'm still hurting. Then she says I'm being mean to her and bringing her down.

I've done so much reading lately that I'm a bit sick of it. I feel like the world revolves around BPD.

I tried to get some space earlier but she got upset that I left her on her own.

Every weekend this is happening. My own mental health is not good because of the emotional battering I've been taking.

It's 2am here and yet again I can't sleep because of her issues yet she is sound asleep.

[babyducks]

I know it's difficult but self care is job one.   you have to have reliable comfortable restorative sleep.  and time for yourself.   

how can you go about getting a good nights sleep?   what options are available to you?