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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Not sure I have what it takes...  (Read 1789 times)
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« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2016, 08:33:00 AM »

  Yeah, I think it is mostly blown over.  Observation for notwendy and others to think on.  She really does want to talk.  She is scared to death to talk to me (IMO) when I am awake, focused and ready to have a conversation.  Here is how I deduce that.  During the dysregulation, in front of the kids, I asked several times, during several of the "episodeds" to go have a private conversation.  Once she asked why, I said because the things we were discussing were appropriate for parents to discuss and were inappropriate for kids to hear.  We both no this from multiple counseling and parenting classes, I didn't remind her of that.  Just said my truth.  Her response was that I "always" get her alone and manipulate her to get what I want.  I didn't engage on that point.  Yesterday was a great day.  Last night we were relaxed, sex, easy conversation about nothing in particular, just talking stuff.  We are laying in bed together drifting off to sleep.  I had mask and splints on and was pretty much gone she says.  "Listen, we've got time now to talk"   (I'm guessing it was around 11pm)  .  I mumbled, "honey, I'm in no shape to get into anything deep"  She started to talk and sharing what she was an wasn't ok with.  I mumbled again that I was not going to be able to process anything she said, that my responses would likely not make sense and really needed to drift off to sleep.  She said:  "Fine then, you can just lay there and sleep"  She launches into it.  I took off my mask and left the room for 5 minutes.  She hollered after me that it was nothing to get upset over.  I cam back 5 minutes later, put mask on and drifted off to sleep.  There was a word or two exchanged such as goodnight and that kind of stuff.  At some point in there I had assured her I would be available in the morning for a long or short talk.  We were awake together for about 2.5 hours before she left.  Many times I went into the room with her, had  light conversation, focused on her, hung out for a bit.  With about an hour to go I gave her a hug and said I would be available to talk after I got the kids on the bus.  She looked at me and said OK or something like that.  With 30 minutes to go until the normal time she leaves we were sitting at the table.  I had fresh coffee, there was some light conversation.   I reached and held her hand for a bit, commented about a cut on her hand.  Looked at her.  It was a nice moment.  Comeing up on 15 minutes to go she gets up and starts hurrying about, but doesn't seem to be doing anything.  Lunch and other stuff is already ready.    I went up to her, gave her a light touch on arm and said I'm ready to talk if there is stuff you would like to discuss.  "Oh, honey, I've got to get going" and left 15 minutes early.  Normal departure, nice hug, she seemed to linger a bit with me at the door.  Then a flurry of random admin tasks were handled as she drove to work and called me about various things.  Instrument for a kid, paying pre school bill, things like that.  Thoughts on my theory?  Any idea of a healthy response to this.  

FF
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« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2016, 08:42:12 AM »

I imagine that it would be very frustrating to be emotionally upset and your partner is talking to you calmly.  You aren't in control and you know that they are.  You have lost the argument before you even begin.

In regards to discussing it just before she goes to work, I don't know that I would want to have a difficult discussion just before going to work.  The last thing I would want is a big fight, and then rush off to work.  So I can understand her wanting to avoid the discussion then.
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« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2016, 09:44:31 AM »

Hi formflier

  She really does want to talk.  She is scared to death to talk to me (IMO) when I am awake, focused and ready to have a conversation.

Her response was that I "always" get her alone and manipulate her to get what I want.  I didn't engage on that point.

These are the two things I noticed in your post.   I can relate.   In some ways I think your story mirrors mine in that from what you describe; you and your wife went from a very dysfunctional communication pattern to a less volatile one by using the some of skills and tools here.  Me too.

What has been more challenging for my partner and I was to develop a communication pattern/style that allowed for the full expression of both of our ideas.

I stole this from an old post of Skip's, thank you Skip.

Excerpt
Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner, about being able to let your guard down, and let him or her know how you really feel. Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in your partner's feelings, about being there when he/she wants to let their defenses down.

Creating an emotional intimacy via communication comes with some real challenges when you are dealing with some one who is emotionally sensitive and reactive.  I had to throw a bunch of normally accepted ideas out of the window.  One of the ideas that went out of the window early on is long deep heartfelt conversations.   My partner can't handle them.   5 to 10 minutes tops.   

FWIW I think you are 100% correct that your wife does want to talk to you, finds it very difficult to do, and both instinctively and deliberately picks situations where she feels more comfortable and more in control. From what you have been describing for a while, the communication pattern that has developed has been unproductive and frustrating for both of you.   Perhaps it's time to throw that out and try a different approach?

Over time my partner and I have been able to establish a manner of communicating that works for us about 40 to 50% of the time.   I'm hopeful we can build on that.   From my side of the street it required a lot of empathic listening.   and Validation.   One of the things I have learned is that my partner's perspectives, while fairly unique where not immediately wrong.   In fact I would go so far as to say her heighten sensitivity to things often gave her insights to nuances that I would not have picked up on left to my own devices.   Often times things were expressed to me in ways that were unpalatable.   Not responding, not engaging while I sorted through that stuff was one tool in the tool box.   In the long run it couldn't be the only tool in the box.   

What I have come to believe is true for me, is that being in a relationship with a pwBPD that is continuing to struggle to go from surviving to thriving is a lot like peeling an onion.   Just when I think I have got it figured out and have reached a plateau, there is another level to work on.   It's been an interesting experience.

My suspicion is that there is a reason she afraid to have a conversation with you when you are awake and focused and ready.   I would wonder what that reason is.

I would also suspect that the contest of wills, who gets what they want, is the bigger picture to focus on.   Compromise can be difficult.   One small compromise can be scary for both of us.   Feels very risky.   

my two cents.

'ducks






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« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2016, 09:55:50 AM »

  Ducks, I sorta did that on Saturday, tried a new way.    It was in front of the kids and what I learned was that she doesn't want to work all week and work all weekend.  How she said it was that she she works full time I get no say in what happens on the weekend.  (I would guess this is what you would describe as unpalatable).  I didn't debate that point, tried to listen.  Also, one reason that I chose to listen and stay in the room was that there was no name calling and the level of energy was dialed back a bit.  Also, I really didn't know What the heck she was thinking so I figured as a practical matter I should try and figure that out before she drug the kids off to water park.  This was after she threatened to involve police if I tried to stop her from taking kids to water park.    Fian, Totally agree that before work is not the best time.  I was clear the night before and this morning that it was an offer.  I was there.  I will make sure and be present for her when she gets home and a few other times this evening.  But I'm not going to  pester her or make a big deal about it.  My guess is that around 9pm or so I'm going to be too tired to do much effective processing.  Note:  I got a good nights sleep last evening.  Outlook is much better today.  If I can put together a few more nights like that, I should be back to just about bulletproof.  

FF
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« Reply #34 on: January 11, 2016, 09:58:44 AM »

  One thought as I look back on this.  I was lulled into believing the good behavior would last.  I let that good feeling allow my sleep to slide a bit.  Plus, setting up new routines.  This put me very close to the edge.  Didn't take much to push me over the edge.  If I had been "bulletproof" do I still think I would have went to hotels.  It's likely.  Especially the first night.  If I was bulletproof on second night I would have likely been able to calm a bit quicker and would have been more confident about my ability to stay calm and not make a scene.  

FF
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« Reply #35 on: January 11, 2016, 10:20:14 AM »

How she said it was that she she works full time I get no say in what happens on the weekend.  (I would guess this is what you would describe as unpalatable).  I didn't debate that point, tried to listen.

Interesting.   I am not sure who the "I" is here, you or your wife.  I agree completely that her need to have more recreation after a full work week could have been expressed in a way that was both clearer and less negative.   But, as we all know pwBPD have poor communication skills.

with 20/20 hindsight what would a validation look like around this ?

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« Reply #36 on: January 11, 2016, 01:18:09 PM »

  To clarify:  My wife was the one saying that she she works she gets to make all the decisions.  In other conversations she claims that when I was working and she was not that she let me make all the decisions.  Ummm, I don't remember that part of our marriage, Put this in the BPD converter and I think she is saying I am lazy and she is not.  She has to do everything and I do nothing, blah blah blah.  For those reading this:  I don't have an executive job right now.  I have been doing rideshare (uber) extensively, managing family properties (rentals and such), doing some handyman work, selling items on craigslist, the list could go on.    Some jade there, just in case people get the wrong idea.  Also, if I really broke it down, it is likely that my activities bring in more money than her teaching job.  I know, I know, I'm not going to make that point to her.  She is "used to" me having a 6 figure executive job.    Let me think on the validation and get back to you on that.  

FF
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« Reply #37 on: January 11, 2016, 02:00:43 PM »

Formflier - I had to read several threads to catch up. All I can say is I am so sorry you've been dealing with all this! You are my inspiration as the Great BPD Whisperer! You are, for the most part, solid and bulletproof. My guess is all the changes at once are overwhelming her - new location, new job, different schedules, 2 kids going to college, inconsistent bedtimes. That would be pretty stressful on anyone.

Hang in there! I'm glad things have calmed down and you're able to sleep again. I think it might take some gentle probing questions to draw out of her what's bothering her most, then apply the tools to validate and start prioritizing them in some kind of order.

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« Reply #38 on: January 11, 2016, 03:22:14 PM »

To clarify:  My wife was the one saying that she she works she gets to make all the decisions.

In other conversations she claims that when I was working and she was not that she let me make all the decisions.

Ummm... .I don't remember that part of our marriage... .

Put this in the BPD converter and I think she is saying I am lazy and she is not.  She has to do everything and I do nothing... .blah blah blah.

For those reading this:  I don't have an executive job right now.  I have been doing rideshare (uber) extensively, managing family properties (rentals and such), doing some handyman work, selling items on craigslist... .the list could go on.  

Some jade there, just in case people get the wrong idea.  Also, if I really broke it down, it is likely that my activities bring in more money than her teaching job.  I know... .I know... .I'm not going to make that point to her.

She is "used to" me having a 6 figure executive job.  

I have been through this in the past, its not just a BPD perception though black and white thinking can reinforce it. Bottom line is it is about perception. Its not a "proper job" with a "proper title"... This is reinforced by society which tends to tag someones profession on to their name like its part of it... eg FF Pilot, FF Realtor, FF Market Research Executive. currently your title would be FF ? bitzer?.

You were FF Pilot, that gave her bragging rights, now when someone asks what does hubby do she gets embarrassed. It is not about you it is about how it affects her status.

Doesn't matter how productive you are, you can't be pidgeon holed so you are in the grey zone and prime for the get a proper job so i know what to call you accusation. I am the same.
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« Reply #39 on: January 11, 2016, 05:53:46 PM »

My ex husband was a house painter. I have 4 undergraduate degree and 2 masters degrees.

If he was introduced somewhere, and people said, oh what do you do, he just said he was a painter. They assumed art, and were very impressed.

We thought it was funny.

I want to validate to you that you have shown immense patience and strength, too. I am just not a BPD whisperer. It's not coming to me easily.

Maybe you could have some business cards made to reflect broadly your management and consultant skills. Make it pretty so she has something to pass around. Probably leaving BPD whisperer off of it would be wise... .
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« Reply #40 on: January 11, 2016, 06:03:21 PM »

If he was introduced somewhere, and people said, oh what do you do, he just said he was a painter. They assumed art, and were very impressed.

We thought it was funny.

There was a time when a shelf stacker was not called a logistics resupply consultant. Everyone seems to be a consultant or manager these days, anything to sound more exotic than reality. A natural mineral resource extraction specialist=miner
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« Reply #41 on: January 11, 2016, 08:06:30 PM »

WW described my mother. I don't think she did anything productive that I knew of. It was expected for women to be housewives in her era but I didn't see her do domestic thing either. One of the mysteries we wondered about was what did she actually do all day when we were at school because we didn't see anything.

My father had a prestigious career and while it was ok for me, the black child, to attend state u. White child didn't have a choice but to go to a college with bragging rights. I actually achieved and had a career but my later decision to be a stay at home mother was met with disdain from her. Unlike her, I actually did the work of running a home and raising kids.


My H has his own job. He didn't seem to gain from my career- instead made it hard for me to work and raise kids because he didn't help at all.  If I asked for his help - like FF's wife- he pulled status because he earned more money than I did. My income was smaller than his so he felt my job was negligible even though I enjoyed it.

Ultimately I didn't give a hoot what he, my mother, or society thought about my "job" title. I was feeling burned out emotionally from doing both work and home with an emotionally unsupportive spouse. I was concerned that my kids were not getting what they needed from either parent as I was so burned out. We could make it on his income, had agreed that I could give my kids my full attention and so that's what I did.

I can watch my mother get triggered in an instant if my kids discuss a college they might be interested in that she doesn't think is prestigious enough.  I watched all the color go out of her face because she didn't like the name of one of their friends (never even met the friend). If she had a stronger sense of self she would not feel so vulnerable to choices like this.
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« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2016, 07:56:25 AM »

Could the whole episode be attributed to her feeling like she is doing everything and you are not contributing? I have read enough of your posts to know this is NOT how it really is, but it could be her perception.

Last year at this time, my wife was working 32 hours a week at a low level administrative position. I worked 50+ hours a week at a high level executive position and brought in 6 times as much as she did. In her mind, she worked just as hard as I did and expected me to do the majority of the housework and child rearing because she had a job. And I did, because she was not able to work all day then come home and deal with being a mom. It was too much for her. What I have learned is that a 40 hour work week to a non feels like an 80 hour work week to a pwBPD. They just cannot handle the workload we can without becoming overwhelmed. And instead of admitting their shortcomings, they take it out on us.

So, maybe your wife's dysreg was triggered by her feeling overwhelmed? Or maybe even scared about finances? 

And yes, good idea not bringing up that you are bringing in as much or more than she is. This would just lead to her feeling guilty or inadequate. She probably would not admit that was the issue, but it would be.

You are under employed right now and looking for a new executive level position. Been there myself. But, instead of sitting on the couch whining like some spoon-fed wuss, you are doing what you can to take care of your family until the right position comes along. Your job title for now is "Real Man".     

Glad you got some sleep. Take care of yourself.   

   
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« Reply #43 on: January 12, 2016, 08:15:16 AM »

  Two good nights sleep in a row!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   I think Cole's perception is generally right.    Long time ago I would try to reason with her and it would go from "

FF does nothing" to "Well I know

FF does this BUT, "  Wasted energy.  Another day of not talking about issues.  I was present a couple times last night for her and I senses avoidance on her part.  I didn't push.  Conversation was light.  This morning I got a google docs of her "daily" priorities for me and special projects in order of priority.  While there is nothing nice about the list.  No please or asking, there is also nothing horrid or demanding.  It's just a list.  The list seems reasonable.  No chance I can get  it all done today and no chance of getting all the daily things done.  My reaction is that this is a positive step.  Scratch that, I could get all the daily chores done, but that would be about it.  So, I will work on things on my list, and her list.   

FF
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« Reply #44 on: January 12, 2016, 09:11:46 AM »

I've been told by my h that it is incredibly stressful for him to work a full-time job.  From what he describes,  he is constantly afraid that they might fire or lay him off. I was sick a few weeks ago - in bed for a couple of days,  and h told me that he was worried that I might not be able to continue working because of that.

Another thing to consider, my h has a hard time believing that anything happens if he doesn't see it happening.  So I make sure that I am doing something when he comes in.
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« Reply #45 on: January 12, 2016, 09:40:37 AM »

  Keep this thread going.  Very helpful to me.  I broke out Babyducks validation challenge and made a new thread.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288878.0  I challenge everyone to read that thread and read (or reread) the validation lesson.  

FF
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« Reply #46 on: January 12, 2016, 10:18:48 AM »

Another thing to consider, my h has a hard time believing that anything happens if he doesn't see it happening.  So I make sure that I am doing something when he comes in.

Yes, my husband seems totally oblivious to all it takes to keep a household and a ranch operating. He stays inside, reading and watching TV--he's retired. I don't say anything about his lack of participation in things because he provides the money to keep everything going, now that I've exhausted my capital building our house.

He will make snarky comments about me always being online, so I try not to be when he's around. Somehow he completely ignores all I do around here, which is a lot. I keep up to date with the news online and read and post here for my mental health.

Right now, he's at the hospital, taking tests because his blood pressure has skyrocketed. For years, I told him to cut back on his drinking and to get some exercise. (He considers that "shaming." I quit doing that when I learned about BPD, but now his doctor has said everything that I had been saying.
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« Reply #47 on: January 12, 2016, 12:12:22 PM »

  Uggg, the always online complaint.    I supposedly "always" waste my time watching youtube.  I did spend considerable time watching snippets of different attic organization projects before doing ours here.  Currently watching videos on how to best organize and setup a laundry/utility area.  And yes, I enjoy that.  But, I really don't consider it "goofing off".  Back when she had access to my computer she would point to the amount of time I would spend on different webpages and such.  She is a one page at a time person.  I just counted and right now I have 6 pages up on regular chrom and 3 different pages of bpdfamily up on incognito.  That's just the way I work/use online.  Sigh,

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« Reply #48 on: January 12, 2016, 12:18:22 PM »

She is a one page at a time person. That's hilarious! That's just like my husband. He thinks there's something wrong with me (in fact, it disgusts him) because I have several pages, and several tabs open at a time. All the better to quickly cover up bpdfamily.
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« Reply #49 on: January 12, 2016, 12:39:45 PM »

  Cat Familiar, I'm struck sometimes by the similarities of our stories.  I would much rather be on a ranch.  But that is a different story.  Another difference is that my wife did give the farm wife thing all she had.  She would get out there and work and lead on all kinds of chores.  I still deployed a lot during this time, so it was up to her and the olders to lead the rest of the crew.  I claim to be farm raised.  In reality I spent summers on family hog farm and during school year did quite a bit of helping out locally but during the school year I was 8 hours or so from hog farm.  But longed to be back there.  Wife really had no background in farming, but again, gave it everything she had and was a good farm wife.  However, she was not really cut out for it.  Someone else posted about a 40 our "non" week seeming like 80 hours to a pwBPD.  I could totally see this in my wife.  Translate that into farm living and you can see how farms and BPD don't match up.  Look, check out the issues now.  My life likes to veg out in front of the TV.  Farm wives don't do much of that, Anyway, parting funny story about bullheaded BPD traits running amok on a farm:    We were successful dairy goat guys (amongst other things) for many years.  My wife got it in her head, that she was going to get a cow, but would get a miniature so it would be more manageable.  I was against it, but was deployed, I'm sure I invalidated the crap out of her trying to "talk her out of it".  She pretty much told me to eff off and she was going to get whatever animals she wanted.  (sound like the water park to anyone?)  Well, she apparently went raging around the farm community until she found someone to sell her a "miniature" cow.  She got it like the day before I flew home from a small deployment.    She was very quiet, I knew something bad had gone down.  Well, she takes me to the barn and there is a full size Jersey in there.  Sure, maybe it was a smaller Jersey, but it was a full size cow.    We had set up the barn for goats and horses,    Plus, I knew enough about cows that I knew I had to keep the milk flowing.  So, we did, throughout the cold winter (up by Canadian border).  That sucked, Then to be able to sell it for some sort of value (she got snookered on the purchase $$) I had a buddy of mine get some high quality bull semen (I jokingly referred to him as a bull spooge salesman, he sold a lot of it).  And I made sure that my wife was out at the barn to help us "do the deed".  Likely that sealed the deal that she didn't want to be a farm wife anymore,   We sold the cow and that may have been the happiest day on my farm I ever had, .when she got trailered away.  

FF
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« Reply #50 on: January 12, 2016, 12:57:38 PM »

I can relate to the if it isn't visible, it wasn't done idea. Being home with small children can mean that, at the end of the day, several meals/snacks were fed, but they are all gone, diapers changed- but gone. Spending a couple of hours at the pediatrician because someone had an ear ache- invisible, stories read, trips to park, later driving kids to school, teacher conferences. None of this visible and none with a paycheck. My H would come home late many nights, and with kids in bed would have no visible sign of any of it.

I also get the "Always ONLINE" comments. My H will tell me that he values what I do for the family and then he can say things like "you are always online".  I used to try to explain what I do, JADE, to try to get him to see it, but that would result in him diminishing my contribution " It isn't that big a deal to cook dinner". I decided that I can not change someone else's perception of my world. I really don't know how he perceives what I do. I know what it is, and that has to be enough for me.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #51 on: January 12, 2016, 01:28:20 PM »

I am a 3 different browsers 20 pages open person.

I have NO empathy for one pagers. Control issues there! and very troublesome people  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #52 on: January 12, 2016, 01:44:19 PM »

She was very quiet, I knew something bad had gone down.  Well, she takes me to the barn and there is a full size Jersey in there.  Sure, maybe it was a smaller Jersey, but it was a full size cow. 

FF

FF, you made my day with the miniature cow story. That one belongs in Readers Digest, not on bpdfamily.

I dodged that bullet with alpacas a couple years ago. W figured we could be rich selling alpaca wool. No matter what I said, she just became more obstinate that she was going to do it. Fortunately, she became enamored with antique glassware and decided to collect that instead.  

pwBPD tend to get obsessive ideas in their head. Once they do, sometimes all you can do is grab a bag of popcorn, sit back, and watch.    
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« Reply #53 on: January 12, 2016, 02:10:17 PM »

Multiple pages open to a pwBPD rings warning bells of hiding something as it feels like hiding one book inside another.

Dont underestimate the time consumed contributed to forums like this. Even though in reality it is worth its weight in gold for your RS. I know tasks have often not been done because I have been engrossed in replies here.

FF Re lists of this to do, If you are on home duties why is your wife making lists of things to do, couldn't you be in charge of that? As long as she is writing lists she will ultimately feel in charge, hence responsible, therefore setting you up for failure as she will only see what you haven't done. ie 100% or nothing. The mindset is if they arrange for someone to do something then they have done it. If 10% is still not done then the problem is still there hence you haven't fixed it.
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« Reply #54 on: January 12, 2016, 02:31:22 PM »

WR has a good point. I don't think the to do list is a good idea; it gives her the ability to control you, almost like a child, not like an adult partner. (it's one of the behaviors that can be abused easily)
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« Reply #55 on: January 12, 2016, 02:59:23 PM »

  Yeah, regarding lists.  I don't encourage it for her at all.    We have different views about plans.  For me a plan is a reference point, for her, just like WR said.  She said it, it should be done.  In my world, and I think with most Naval Aviators, you are always thinking about am I early, or late etc etc.  As you are usually adjusting to make a time on target or some other thing.  And, if you are going to be late or early, probably should let somebody know.  But, in my world, the plan is what is NOT going to happen.  If something goes according to plan, I get suspicious, I've missed something.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  Anyway, I will use her list a reference point, she will feel about it, how she feels about it.  2nd point:  Funny thing about life with a pwBPD, you get lots of great stories.  I hadn't thought about that cow for eons, until something about Cat Familiars post got me to thinking about chores on the farm, Hey, anyone want me to explain how we got the cow pregnant?      

FF
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« Reply #56 on: January 12, 2016, 03:03:03 PM »

Sure, FF, go ahead.   
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« Reply #57 on: January 12, 2016, 03:31:04 PM »

FF,

Can we assume you did not meet Mrs. FF on farmersonly.com?

And yes, life with a pwBPD generates plenty of stories. I could sell things that have happened here to both the Twilight Zone and Seinfeld.

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« Reply #58 on: January 12, 2016, 06:24:35 PM »

Likely that sealed the deal that she didn't want to be a farm wife anymore... .

FF, you're naughty!

I've also enjoyed my husband's discomfort with "country life." A few months ago, one of our sheep was bitten on the nose by a rattlesnake. I saw her swollen nose the night before as I was locking up the sheep and goats for the night. Since she was eating, and otherwise seemed normal, I assumed she was stung by ground dwelling bees. She was a very skittish sheep and it was dark and there was no way I could easily catch her in the dark, so I planned to give her Benadryl in the morning if the swelling was still there. Instead, I found her dead, with the telltale bite mark of a large snake.

At about 200 pounds, she outweighed me by about 85 pounds, so I asked my husband to help me drag her to a place where I could bury her. Actually I had set up a come-along and was planning on doing it myself, when he got really offended that I hadn't asked his help, so I let him orchestrate the removal of her body, which wasn't easy as we had to drag her uphill. (He was too impatient to have me set up the come-along at various trees along the way.)

When we dropped her in the pre-dug hole (I had an elderly goat that I had planned on burying there), I made sure he saw me cut open her two stomachs, knowing that we'd likely get a lot of rain with the coming El Nino (still waiting for that... .). I explained that we didn't want to deal with "bloat and float" later. (I had heard about someone's horse that reemerged from a shallow grave after a tremendous downpour.)

The country gal in me had an internal laugh at my city boy husband. He rightfully knew what he was getting into with me at the beginning when we first were dating. One night, as we were headed to a restaurant, deer were crossing the road and the car in front of us didn't slow down and plowed into a big buck. I told my then-boyfriend to stop the car. I got out, wearing my long black dress, and approached the buck, which was writhing in pain. The car that hit him had driven off, leaving broken headlight pieces in the road. I found a boulder and proceeded to hit the deer in the head until I had killed him. My sweetheart watched openmouthed. That should have been a clue who he was getting involved with.
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« Reply #59 on: January 12, 2016, 07:02:44 PM »

Sure,

FF, go ahead.   

 https://youtu.be/2yvXowLh-Pg  Ummm, well, our cow moved around a lot more than this one.  So I was in charge of holding her up against a fence panel.   I made sure wife got to help with all the excitement, Somehow, I think the terms of service of bpdfamily may get updated after this post,  

FF
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