Wife appears to have BPD

I met my wife when I was a senior in high school and she was sophomore. We dated and went to the prom. I went to a college that was 50 miles away and did not have a car so we could not see each other for most of that first year, but we exchanged letters. When I returned home for summer I found she had joined a religious cult and was told we could not be together unless I joined which I refused. Years later I learned she married a fellow cult member and they had four kids. He was a drug user and she eventually divorced him, dropped out of the cult and sought me out to resume our relationship.

I was in a troubled marriage myself and was planning also to get a divorce. After I did we were married and all was fine while the children were growing up. She worked sporadically as a home care aide and we owned 50 rental properties which I managed but one day I had missed paying a bill for a department store and my wife chewed me out in front of the kids.

After the kids all grew up and moved out she became worse. It was hard work maintaining the properties so we eventually sold them off and I got a full time job in community relations. Every few weekends she would get upset about something I did or failed to do or said or didn't say and she would "go-off." We went to see a counselor who mumbled my wife has "control issues" but she never offered any real advice so the pattern continued.

She goes out of her way to make me feel bad. When her father needed help we helped him until he died. When her brother died I was supportive of her grief. When ever she asked me to do anything for her I always did it. But when ever I want something there is a problem.

When one of the kids asked her if they could move back in she told him yes with out even checking with me. I said since I am the husband and I paid all the bill I wished he had come to me or she could have told him to talk to me but she blew up screaming why should they talk to me? They don't need to talk to me.

She constantly spends money on stuff we don't need. We have stacks and stacks of toilet paper that she buys because it's on sale. We have a basement full of boxes of pots and pans we never use and several sets of silverware and every time I turn around she buys sets of drinking glasses and more and more stuff. We have no savings and when ever I say we need to start savings she goes off and buys more stuff.

I got a job teaching college classes for 6 years but the school changed programs and eliminated my set of course. I got my retirement money in a lumps sum. When the check for $16 thousand dollars came I wanted to put it in savings but she screamed we owed so many people money for what she had been borrowing over the years. This was the first I ever heard of this so I said I wanted to talk to who she owed the money to at least thank them for lending it to us. But she told me I was not welcome in their homes and it would cause trouble If I showed up since it was the wives who lent her the money without their husband's knowing. So the 16 grand went "Poof!"

And Christmas! She loads up the living room of hundreds of gifts for each of the kids and most of which they don't take home so our house is jammed with their stuff. She insists we put up two Christmas trees. One in the living room and one in the family room.

A few days before this Christmas her sister who had a very long history of illness died. She never spent much time with this sister. They grew up in separate homes and rarely every spoke. In fact I was the one who took food to her sister at my wife's request (her order really)

Weeks have passed since the funeral. Around New years I suggested we pay attention to our savings and that we should discuss putting a part of each paycheck into a savings account. She still works sporadically and agreed we should. But every day she comes home with bags of groceries without checking with me. When I reminded her we had agreed to at least check before spending any thing she went off in a rage.

She was grieving over her sister! She said she cries every day. Oh my God how she misses her sister (the one who she rarely ever spoke to) She said I was putting too much on her to talk about saving and not spending... .and she was spending money on our food! What was wrong with me?

I had to leave to go to work. By the way I have two full time jobs now. One during the week 8 to 5 Monday to Friday and another one 3rd shift Friday night, 2nd and 3rd shift Saturday and 2nd shift Sunday.

She too had 2 "jobs" where she did house cleaning and helping with an elderly man 1 or 2 days a week for a few hours.

After this blowup she tell me she was fired from both jobs because she was crying every day over her sister (the one she rarely ever spoke to) and both employers told her she needed a better support system and both told her she needed grief counseling to help her cope with the loss of her sister. (the one she rarely ever spoke to)

As is the usual pattern after she calms down she will call me and say "Honey, I need you... .or Honey I love you... .or Honey If we got a divorce I would be so worried about you. and all with be well until the next week end.

When I talk to her about getting help she says I have issues with misplaced anger since my parents abused me as a child. She has never apologized or accepted responsibility. she screams everything that goes wrong is always my fault and I am the one who needs to get help.

One time I was late getting home from a conference and she was sitting by the door with a gun saying she thought she saw someone in the back yard... .Of course I checked and there was no one there but I'm the one with the problem and I need to get help.



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate