Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:38:43 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Dealing with snappiness and rude/disrespectful comments  (Read 948 times)
globalnomad
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 209


« on: January 10, 2016, 08:41:36 AM »

A question for those of you with more experience than me:

How do you deal with regular snappiness, or rude and disrespectful comments that seemingly come out of nowhere? When my BPD fiance is feeling tired, hungry, stressed out, or on the verge of dysregulation in any way, she tends to get very snappy with me. This is increasingly bothering me, since treating people with respect is an important value for me. Allowing her to treat me like this is hurting my self esteem. Yet trying to set boundaries around it only seems to make the situation worse, tipping her into a full scale dysregulation.

Some examples of the kind of thing I'm talking about:

Situation: Our 2-month old baby isn't sleeping well and kept us up most of the night

Me: Did you manage to get any sleep at all last night? (asked with a feeling of genuine empathy as I knew it had been a rough night)

Her: What do you think? Do you even pay any attention at all? (said with a raised voice and a look of absolute contempt and disgust)

Situation: Again, baby has been crying for a while.

Me: Can I help with xx (our baby)?

Her: Sure, why don't you pick him up for a while

Me: Picks up baby, who continues to cry

Her: What are you doing? You just made it worse. Are you even trying to sooth him? (again, said with look of utter disgust and contempt toward me)

Situation: It's summer, and there's a mosquito buzzing around in our bedroom. Fiance asks me to catch it. It momentarily stops high on the wall. I swing a newspaper at it but just miss. It buzzes off and disappears.

Her: What are you doing? Were you even trying to catch it? (said with disgust again)

Me: I'm sorry, what do you mean?

Her: A real man would be able to deal with something like this.

The common theme in all of the above is that I am actually trying to be nice or help her in every situation. In each case she externalizes her feeling of insecurity or anxiety by lashing out at me.

Any tips for dealing with this kind of thing? Like I said, I am trying to set boundaries around it (telling her I won't accept being spoken to in this way, for example), but it tends to lead to a major esacalation. At the same time, I do not want her thinking it is OK to treat me in this way. Is there a middle ground?






Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Daniell85
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737


« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2016, 10:20:10 AM »

I am doubtful that you can address this sort of thing by doing anything except excusing yourself from the room and going and doing something else.

It's a more subtle approach. Every time she is nasty, leave. Pretty soon she will catch on that if she wants you there, some general respect is part of your willingness to do that.

Is the baby stuff continuing? How old is your child? Do you think maybe she herself is very tired out and stressed from childcare and trying to recover from the pregnancy? It may be helpful to bring in an outside party ( a babysitter more, part time day care if baby is not in daycare) to give your partner time to recover more.
Logged
leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2016, 02:52:59 PM »

There's really no way to win with these people, they are disrespectful and nasty and usually you will not even receive an apology for it-- frustrating!  You are just supposed to grin and bear it, try not to make it worse, although being too accommodating can also make it worse.  Hey, no one said these people are dateable, but for whatever reason the people on this board decided to stay with them anyway.  The price to be paid for staying is having to endure baseless attacks, insults, etc.  I am trying validation but it doesn't seem to work for my pwBPD, to her it comes off as inauthentic or gives her license to just complain endlessly.
Logged
teapay
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 14 years
Posts: 294


« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2016, 07:58:09 PM »

I agree with Dan.  Once it comes out of her all you can do is not feed it and just remove yourself quickly, quietly and without emotion.  You dont have to take that kind of stuff.  You might get some extinction bursts, but maybe over time she will temper it if she really wants you not to walk away.  My W has done similar for alot of years.  Sometimes it happens so fast,  comes out of nowhere and disappears like it didn't happen. I've come to look at it as kind of like a BPD tourette trait, so I don't take it so personal aND juSt walk away.  It has lessened and gotten shorter over time by not feeding it or taking it and my W started figuring out what she was doing.  It is one of the few things my W has made progress on.  I can understand leggoes frustration.  It is not fun and progress of many BPD may be limited no matter what you try except walking.  Reminds me of the line in Cool Hand Luke, when Captain says "Some men you just can't reach"
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2016, 03:33:41 AM »

Like I said, I am trying to set boundaries around it (telling her I won't accept being spoken to in this way, for example), but it tends to lead to a major esacalation. At the same time, I do not want her thinking it is OK to treat me in this way. Is there a middle ground?

This is not a boundary, it is a request. it achieves nothing she has learned this and so sees no reason to change. In fact your inability to have strong boundaries is feeding her 'not a real man" mentality.

Without doubt having a baby will be putting huge stress on her, so she needs help, pwBPD usually believe help comes in the form of a complete quick fix, absolving them of any responsibility. They dont see sharing the burden as "help', this is the difficulty that is preventing her appreciating your contribution.

Often the walking away will work to enforce boundaries as they understand the black and white of all or nothing. They may kick up a fuss, but ultimately they have a black and white choice to make, anything inbetween confuses and feels short changed.

eg to nurse baby, take control and take to another room, to get the problem completely out her face. If she is rude, then hand it back and leave her with it. Its then a clear choice for her.

When she says she wants help what she is really saying is take this problem away from me.

Her behavior is bullying pure and simple, taking free kicks at the helpless kid who wont bite back or is too frightened to remove themselves. It sets a precedent, you have to reset the precedent that your patience is not endless.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
globalnomad
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 209


« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2016, 07:30:29 AM »

Thanks all for the thoughtful replies. Very helpful.

Daniell85 -- Our son is just 8 weeks old. No doubt the stresses of caring for a young child are exacerbating the usual BPD tendencies here. However the issues I talk about were present before the baby -- and before the pregnancy too. Her mother is staying with us at the moment to help us out. I could start a whole other topic just about dealing with that Smiling (click to insert in post)

Teapay - Your comment about a "BPD tourette trait" made me laugh, and strikes me as a brilliant way of reframing things so it doesn't seem so personal. Thankyou!

Waverider - I think you are right. My inconsistency in enforcing boundaries in the past has probably only strengthened her "not a real man" mentality. I do not want to set the precedent that bullying behavior is OK -- especially not in front of my son. One question: I am having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around your comment: "They don't see sharing the problem as help, this is the difficulty that is preventing her from appreciating your contribution." Could you elaborate? I must say that not feeling like my contribution is appreciated is one of the biggest frustrations I have in my relationship at present.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2016, 04:06:18 PM »

Waverider - I think you are right. My inconsistency in enforcing boundaries in the past has probably only strengthened her "not a real man" mentality. I do not want to set the precedent that bullying behavior is OK -- especially not in front of my son. One question: I am having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around your comment: "They don't see sharing the problem as help, this is the difficulty that is preventing her from appreciating your contribution." Could you elaborate? I must say that not feeling like my contribution is appreciated is one of the biggest frustrations I have in my relationship at present.

It is part of the all or nothing. If they are 100% dealing with a problem, you take on 50%, they will still register their 50% as being 100%. Hence your contribution is not helping, they may even see it as making it worse. They want to handball you 100% so they have 0%. Then you have fixed it.

She is not focused on what you have done only whether her problem is removed.

Not feeling appreciated for all your efforts is a common problem most nons struggle with,. I know its my biggest trigger. Even when I do 90% i still have to put up with my wifes perception that her 10% is actually 100%.

To lay a single brick=single handedly build the Great Wall of China.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
globalnomad
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 209


« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2016, 04:19:30 PM »

Waverider - I think you are right. My inconsistency in enforcing boundaries in the past has probably only strengthened her "not a real man" mentality. I do not want to set the precedent that bullying behavior is OK -- especially not in front of my son. One question: I am having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around your comment: "They don't see sharing the problem as help, this is the difficulty that is preventing her from appreciating your contribution." Could you elaborate? I must say that not feeling like my contribution is appreciated is one of the biggest frustrations I have in my relationship at present.

It is part of the all or nothing. If they are 100% dealing with a problem, you take on 50%, they will still register their 50% as being 100%. Hence your contribution is not helping, they may even see it as making it worse. They want to handball you 100% so they have 0%. Then you have fixed it.

She is not focused on what you have done only whether her problem is removed.

Not feeling appreciated for all your efforts is a common problem most nons struggle with,. I know its my biggest trigger. Even when I do 90% i still have to put up with my wifes perception that her 10% is actually 100%.

To lay a single brick=single handedly build the Great Wall of China.

Thankyou waverider. That makes a lot of sense. It also helps explain another thing that has been puzzling me. In a normal relationship, we usually distinguish between the intent of a person and the outcome of their actions. For example, if I help a friend carry 10 cartosn of eggs from one place to another, and one egg falls out and breaks, this would not be a big deal. My intention was to help; there was just a minor slip-up in the execution. My friend would understand this and would still be grateful for my help.

In the same situation with my BPD partner, the small mistake of losing one of the eggs would invalidate my entire actions -- including the intent to help. I would be treated the same way as if I had deliberately smashed all the eggs right in front of her. 
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2016, 04:53:50 PM »

My husband totally discounts intent--he looks for criticism in every action. If I try to help him with something, then I'm implying that he's not capable of it on his own. If he asks me for my opinion, and I tell him, then he feels like I'm criticizing if I say something he's already thought about.

When he says something rude, snappy or disrespectful, sometimes I repeat his comment back to him. "So you think I'm __________?" Occasionally that will warrant an apology and a disclaimer.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
goateeki
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 19 years
Posts: 262



« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2016, 05:30:11 PM »

From time to time, I'm given an opportunity to reunite with my diagnosed BPD ex wife.  Conceptually, there are benefits to it.  We do have two small children, after all.

Then I read something like this and any impulse I had to explore the possibility of reuniting with her disappears.

Logged
whitebackatcha
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 221



« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2016, 02:43:31 PM »

My ex has told me directly that motives are irrelevant, that it is the action that matters. She had a point, to an extent, until I would do something that triggered hurt feelings when what I did was seemingly innocuous, and clarification did nothing to help the situation. I'm still trying to determine to what extent I am even capable of not being bothered by this.
Logged

northernlight

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: I'm separated and also living apart from my BPD partner
Posts: 10



« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2016, 03:11:41 PM »

It's amazing to read all of this here.  For four of the five years I've been with my uBPDbf I was continually floored by out of the blue nasty cutting remarks.  They would completely gut me, and take me hours to regain my balance.  Often I'd have to go out of the room to hold back tears and just get myself back together.  AFter a while I saw that they often happened when I was at most relaxed, happy and I suppose therefore most open and vulnerable.  Trying to think of one example now that I can relay and dozens come back but I don't know if I could capture the incredible shift in tone, facial expression etc and how the whole mood of the room, us, alter on the spot my whole chemistry shifting.  A lot of them would be in the mornings as I remember - anyone else have that experience?  Once on a wonderful few day trip to London, first morning he went to buy a newspaper or something and I made breakfast in our luxury borrowed pad while he was gone.  When he was back and we started eating, he seemed physically tense and then said in a hugely charged way, I have to put up with looking at all those young beautiful women on the Fulham Road with their babies in prams before coming back here ( I should explain we both met at 45 - I already have kids from previous marriage, but he has none).  I could barely swallow my food after that from the hurt.  Day one of a supposedly romantic time away.  As I remember, I gradually regained balance and I think I remember he sort of softened up without ever apologising or referring to it - but I just hoped that he must have felt bad in some way.  I've countless examples of this kind of thing - in idyllic setting.  I've always wondered if I was overly sensitive.  Of course, at night, after a few drinks, the insults would really fly, incredible verbal abuse but in the end, it was the ones delivered in the cold light of morning, or in bed when I was snuggled up to him, that hurt most.  Is this a persistent trait of BPD?

Logged
northernlight

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: I'm separated and also living apart from my BPD partner
Posts: 10



« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2016, 03:27:52 PM »

Another thing my partner does is pepper our everyday conversations with things like 'well, maybe if you could listen for the first time in your life... .',  'Not that there's any point in telling you what I think, because you've never been wrong in your life... ',  ' Of course, you've never complemented or said anything nice about anyone in your life... ',  ' I should have known I was just wasting my time trying to explain anything to you because you're incapable of understanding anything'  All that sort of thing often with really horrible expletives thrown in.  also constant statements like -' You're the most dishonest person I've ever met', ' You're the lousiest girlfriend I've ever had' , ' you're the most arrogant person I've ever met'... .

Does any of the above sound familiar to people here?  is this all part of BPD?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2016, 04:57:57 PM »

My ex has told me directly that motives are irrelevant, that it is the action that matters. She had a point, to an extent, until I would do something that triggered hurt feelings when what I did was seemingly innocuous, and clarification did nothing to help the situation. I'm still trying to determine to what extent I am even capable of not being bothered by this.

This is reaction to perceived validation, or invalidation, of need.

Need is a process not an end goal hence it is all about actions and reactions of the moment not about "having" the result. Hence providing answers, or a result, doesn't abate need, it just moves onto another issue. In fact providing an end result can be seen as thwarting the need, as you are attempting to stop the process.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2016, 05:09:53 PM »

Another thing my partner does is pepper our everyday conversations with things like 'well, maybe if you could listen for the first time in your life... .',  'Not that there's any point in telling you what I think, because you've never been wrong in your life... ',  ' Of course, you've never complemented or said anything nice about anyone in your life... ',  ' I should have known I was just wasting my time trying to explain anything to you because you're incapable of understanding anything'  All that sort of thing often with really horrible expletives thrown in.  also constant statements like -' You're the most dishonest person I've ever met', ' You're the lousiest girlfriend I've ever had' , ' you're the most arrogant person I've ever met'... .

Does any of the above sound familiar to people here?  is this all part of BPD?

This could also be because you try to provide answer while they want to dwell on the questions. Hence you are missing the point of what they are communicating. eg If they are feeling lousy they don't want you to 'fix' it. They want you to validate how lousy they feel. ie jump in the hole and sit there and complain about it rather than drop them a ladder to get out. Its what happens when you try to solve the the illogical with logic.

Add to this the emotion of the moment rewrites the pas, and projects onto the future, to validate how they feel now. eg They feel you are not supported=You never have and never will, as now is forever so this justifys them feeling this way. Historical recollections may be full of sharp facts but they have had the emotion of now dictating the context. This is why we believe their tales of woe about everyone who has always abused them. Doesn't mean its true, just that is how they perceive them now
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
whitebackatcha
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 221



« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2016, 04:13:20 AM »

This is reaction to perceived validation, or invalidation, of need.

Need is a process not an end goal hence it is all about actions and reactions of the moment not about "having" the result. Hence providing answers, or a result, doesn't abate need, it just moves onto another issue. In fact providing an end result can be seen as thwarting the need, as you are attempting to stop the process.

I do understand what you're saying. For what it's worth, I've been doing it this way, and so far have had good results. What might have been a bad mood for an entire day has been quickly resolved after I validated instead of defended. I am going to continue to do it this way, because I know the old way doesn't work, will never work.

My issue is that it would be nice to not have someone become upset about these things in the first place. I don't yet know how much I can tune these things out and not let them impact my day. In my situation, it remains to be seen how dark the difficult times will be now that I am doing things differently. It is stressful to have to wait and see, as only time will tell. That's the cost of recycling, of course.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2016, 04:28:12 AM »

Sometimes nothing works and you just have to disengage and walk away so you dont end up climbing into that hole with them.

As you say you can only afford to have so many days ruined.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!