How do you deal with your own anxiety?

[Lovingme35]

After the last couple of weeks, I have been seeing my ex more and more. He is still keeping me at a distance, but we are starting to get back to seeing each other on a regular basis. It is hard for me because I wonder what he is doing when we are not together. He needs someone at his side constantly to offer support and guidance. It makes me nervous when I don't hear from him for a couple of days because I think he might be talking to someone else. I try to take a few steps back and remain calm, but its hard.

I never had a lot of anxiety before dating my pwBPD. Now it seems like the longer we date, the worse my anxiety gets. My question is, how do I deal with the racing thoughts and urge to check up on him constantly? I think the main issue is the lack of any set rules or boundaries in our relationship right now. I am afraid the push to hard at the moment because we are just getting back into things. I don't want to push him away.

This last breakup was our longest. Almost two months. During that time he found a replacement, which he has since discarded. Lots of stress in the last two months

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[Thread]

I'm sorry you are dealing with anxiety.i was diagnosed at 17 with a anxiety disorder. I was clear of my medication for 5.5 years. When I started dating my hBPD I had to get back on medication. Didn't know he was Bpd until after 3 years of our marriage and a year of separation. Found out after we reunited and I believe he was getting help in therapy. I was off Meds during our separation. 6 months after his return I had to get back on due to extreme anxiety and now I struggle with depression mostly.

I don't have the answers. At this point I'm coming to the realization it's always going to be up and down, and that in order to exit this roller coaster I have to make a decision to leave or I will  always be numbing my dysfunctional relationship with medication.

[waverider]

A lot of it is deep seated in Mindfulness and the Wisemind, staying in the now, where you are, what you are doing, so that you are not dwelling on what anyone is doing or not doing.

Seeing what is in front of you and not what might lurking around the corner.

[Notwendy]

Consider this: our feelings and thoughts are parts of us that have something to tell us. Why would we silence them? Fear and anxiety are feelings that help us to stay safe. If we were walking in the woods and heard a bear, then those feelings would be appropriate warning signals.

Sometimes they get out of hand. People can suffer from excessive anxiety when they are not in danger and this can interfere with their lives. In this case, they can do something about it. But if this isn't the case, then why would you want to turn off your warning signals? Would you want to walk in the woods and not feel any warning when there was a bear in front of you?

I think we have to assess what those feelings are telling us and if they are helpful or too much. Someone with a history of anxiety/depression may need treatment for feelings that are taking over their lives. But for some people, they are a normal part of life. I know a widow who got very depressed when her husband passed away. She was under a doctor's care because of the extreme symptoms: losing weight, crying all the time. However, it was important for her to grieve and feel these feelings under those circumstances, and she is better now. It would not have been good to medicate them all away, yet she also had a wise doctor who would not let them become so severe that it harmed her.

We have choices about who we want to be in a relationship with. At the moment, you are choosing your ex, and that is a choice. However, now you are experiencing anxiety. What to do about that? You have choices here too. One question to ask is why, now ,does this happen? Is this "you" trying to tell yourself something? Is this relationship good for you? Is this relationship causing you to be anxious? Is the anxiety because of something else ? ( a reminder of a parent, or someone who made you anxious?)

Since you previously don't have an anxiety disorder, one thing to do is be alone, in a quiet place, and journal, every day. Try to "hear" what the anxiety is telling you. I have found that when I feel anxious in a relationship, it is because I am being co-dependent- not living according to my truth. We can be this way in or out of a relationship. If the anxiety does get out of hand, then there may be the need for medication, but if not, then listening to it could tell you something about yourself.

You mentioned boundaries. When people violate our boundaries, anxiety is a warning that this is what is going on. You mention that you are afraid to rock the boat at this time but if we don't defend our boundaries, it gets harder to do them later. I know that you don't want to risk the relationship now, but boundaries are boundaries. They reflect our values. Anxiety is the result of not living according to our truth and our values, and changing that, is how to manage this.

[Daniell85]

The anxiety is a killer.

You have legitimate reasons for it.

I have ended up on meds primarily because my relationship has been so toxic... .my boyfriend, while deeply loved... has been so toxic, that i have lived in terror of the next cheating episode, the next lie.

I went off the meds in the last couple of weeks. Anxiety is still there. I am trying to cope by using detachment. Radical acceptance. To some degree, that works. It keeps me out of a lot of conflict with him. Stabilizes things more.

Boundaries for myself help a lot. Not what he does, but what I will do if I feel unsafe.

I want to encourage you to really think through on how you protect you when he crosses your boundaries. I am doubtful trying to talk it out will be of benefit.

What will you do if he sees someone else?

[globalnomad]

I never had a lot of anxiety before dating my pwBPD. Now it seems like the longer we date, the worse my anxiety gets. My question is, how do I deal with the racing thoughts and urge to check up on him constantly? I think the main issue is the lack of any set rules or boundaries in our relationship right now. I am afraid the push to hard at the moment because we are just getting back into things. I don't want to push him away.

I can really relate to this. In my case I had a predisposition to anxiety/depression even before dating my BPD partner. There is no doubt the unpredictability of dealing with a pwBPD has made my anxiety worse. Two things that have helped for me:

1) Exercise: I know this is not a very original suggestion, but a 30 minute run outside or on a treadmill always leaves me feeling better and less anxious. It's hard not to let go of the racing thoughts when your heart rate is up and the endorphins are flowing. 

2) Meditation: The time when I felt calmest in my current relationship was a several month period last year when I was regularly meditating twice a day. Even a 10 minute sitting can make a big difference -- consistency is the key. The first few times you try sitting and just focusing on your breath you will become aware of how habitual the racing thoughts are, and of how much mental energy you are wasting on these background anxieties. Meditation is practice in letting go of these thoughts -- over and over again. If you practice this consistently over a period of weeks and months you will gradually find a sense of calm. In my case, I found this sense of calm stayed with me somewhat throughout the day. I was less likely to be reactive (making things worse) or take things personally when my partner dysregulated, for example.

Good luck!

[Cat Familiar]

I realize that I learned to be anxious, living with my BPD mother, who was always a bundle of anxiety and worries. I wasn't anxious as a young child, but as I grew older, I became indoctrinated in anxiety and voila, I was an anxious mess as a teenager.

During college, I started to become somewhat free of anxiety, but afterwards, my BPD ex glommed onto me and I got swept away in his anxiety--such a familiar pattern from my FOO.

After my divorce, again, I felt free of anxiety and then some years later, I got together with my current husband. He was on his best behavior for a few years at the beginning of our relationship, and then his anxiety began to rear its ugly head and I, once again, got infected by association.

When I'm with my friends or by myself, I seldom feel anxious. But when my husband is around, it's almost like he's radiating anxiety and it's easy for me to pick up on it too. The jumpiness, the frequent glances at his watch, the sewing machine leg pounding out time--he's like a frigging anxiety advertisement.

I catch myself starting to mirror that anxiety and I tell myself to breathe and step away from the hazard. How miserable to go through life like that always feeling anxious and upset.

[waverider]

I realize that I learned to be anxious, living with my BPD mother, who was always a bundle of anxiety and worries. I wasn't anxious as a young child, but as I grew older, I became indoctrinated in anxiety and voila, I was an anxious mess as a teenager.

During college, I started to become somewhat free of anxiety, but afterwards, my BPD ex glommed onto me and I got swept away in his anxiety--such a familiar pattern from my FOO.

After my divorce, again, I felt free of anxiety and then some years later, I got together with my current husband. He was on his best behavior for a few years at the beginning of our relationship, and then his anxiety began to rear its ugly head and I, once again, got infected by association.

When I'm with my friends or by myself, I seldom feel anxious. But when my husband is around, it's almost like he's radiating anxiety and it's easy for me to pick up on it too. The jumpiness, the frequent glances at his watch, the sewing machine leg pounding out time--he's like a frigging anxiety advertisement.

I catch myself starting to mirror that anxiety and I tell myself to breathe and step away from the hazard. How miserable to go through life like that always feeling anxious and upset.

yep anxiety is one of the transferable fleas.

Motivation can suffer too when you are hauling a ball and chain behind you. Then you become anxious about your own lack of motivation and under achieving.

[patientandclear]

Most of the posts on this thread are about generalized anxiety and absorbing it from an anxious pwBPD. I don't think that's want the OP is dealing with. She has a specific anxiety about her partner being engaged with another woman, because (a) he has periods of silence/absence; (b) she knows he tends to seek attention and doesn't have a practice of being alone; and (c) he did it before.

I really identify. Notwendy's point that some anxious feelings are important information for us seems at odds with the approach of trying to let go of the anxiety, be in the moment, not worry about what's coming around the corner.

I relate. The BPD man in my life would see other people but without telling me, and double down meanwhile on the apparent intimacy of what we were doing together. So when we reconnected, I knew these patterns, and it wasn't necessarily reasonable to think they were not continuing. Yet that fear probably led me to behave in ways that cemented the odds against us reestablishing a working r/ship. What is a person in the OP's position supposed to do--ignore what she knows and what happened before? Speak to the source of her anxiety with her partner and try to gain clarity? (When I did that it went poorly.) Other?

[Cat Familiar]

yep anxiety is one of the transferable fleas.

Motivation can suffer too when you are hauling a ball and chain behind you. Then you become anxious about your own lack of motivation and under achieving.

Exactly. It's difficult to feel upbeat, motivated and excited about life when you live with someone who is chronically depressed and lethargic.

[Cat Familiar]

Most of the posts on this thread are about generalized anxiety and absorbing it from an anxious pwBPD. I don't think that's want the OP is dealing with. She has a specific anxiety about her partner being engaged with another woman, because (a) he has periods of silence/absence; (b) she knows he tends to seek attention and doesn't have a practice of being alone; and (c) he did it before.

I relate. The BPD man in my life would see other people but without telling me, and double down meanwhile on the apparent intimacy of what we were doing together. So when we reconnected, I knew these patterns, and it wasn't necessarily reasonable to think they were not continuing. Yet that fear probably led me to behave in ways that cemented the odds against us reestablishing a working r/ship. What is a person in the OP's position supposed to do--ignore what she knows and what happened before? Speak to the source of her anxiety with her partner and try to gain clarity? (When I did that it went poorly.) Other?

My ex-husband snuck around with other women, even hitting on my close friends. Sometimes I found out, but often I had no clue. He couldn't stand to be alone and when he was gone mysteriously, I too, would be tremendously anxious, wondering if he was having yet another rendezvous or had been killed in a traffic accident. It's a horrible way to live.

Like you, patientandclear, speaking to the issue was a recipe for conflict and failure and ultimately made me feel even worse. He felt entitled to these extracurricular events because I wasn't sexual enough for him. YEECH! I should have kicked him to the curb years before I did.

[Daniell85]

I haven't had any luck with directly talking to my boyfriend about my anxieties. He becomes hostile and attempts from me become an epic event that leaves me wanting to lash out at him. I often have, under those conditions.

What can you do?

I remove myself from the situation. We had a blow out yesterday. It left me in a considerable amount of pain and anger. So I shut down avenues of communication between us, and am recovering myself.

You do what you can to protect yourself. Until your ex steps up to the plate or until you can maintain detachment, you will feel this way. Unless you drug yourself out on med, which is what I did for nearly 2 years. It feels pretty messed up to have to be on medication in order to function in a BPD relationship. Like you sold part of your soul to endure emotional cannibalism.

[Notwendy]

To clarify, I was talking about situational anxiety. I don't think that listening to one's feelings doesn't mean taking steps to manage anxiety- such as being in the moment. I do think we should look at the source of the anxiety and then make decisions about it. One of those could be to manage it.

I can only speak from experience. Growing up with BPD mom, I consider it a miracle that I didn't have a large issue with anxiety. However, I did have marital issues that didn't seem to have a solution. All I knew was appeasement, and so, I became, over time, a shadow of the person I truly was. I was not happy, but I had children and so, carried on functioning so that they could have a mom. But one day, anxiety came out of the blue. Since I didn't have a history of it, I had to wonder why, why now?

There were possible reasons- one being hormonal, that time of life was starting, but a big reason was that, I had given up so much of myself to try to keep my marriage stable. I was, basically, a doormat with benefits. That was hard to face. The anxiety led me to seek help, deal with my FOO issues and the issues that led to my relationship issues. The anxiety is gone, thankfully, but I had to address the reason for it.

There can be a good reason for someone to be anxious. Walking in the woods at night, hearing a bear roar, and feeling anxious is not an anxiety problem. Neither is being anxious when in a relationship with someone who is possibly cheating. This is a boundary violation. Now, if one chooses to keep things this way, then the anxiety would be part of that, and perhaps the choice it to treat the anxiety. The other choice could be to take steps to change the dynamics in the relationship, but that could also result in ending it. Choices are not easy, but I think it is important to be aware of what our choices are.

[Notwendy]

I don't share anxious feelings with my H. If I am anxious, it triggers him. While I don't have a general issue with anxiety, we all have it at times. I might have it about starting a new project at my part time job, or taking a trip to visit my mother, or something like that.

If you consider that, people with BPD have trouble modulating their own anxiety, then adding any more to that probably won't go well. If someone can't self soothe, then venting to them may mean they can not help us to calm down.

One of our tasks is to get better at managing our own feelings. It isn't easy, especially if we grew up in families where these feelings were not handled well.

[Daniell85]

When I asked boyfriend if he was available to talk yesterday, he expressed that he was feeling a lot of anxiety about it and he preferred not to do it "right" down. He said he already didn't "like" where I was going on things.

He did not appear to be anxious to me. When he approached me later in the day, I asked again about it, and he began baiting me, then refusing to respond.

Ugh.

My mother had severe problems with anxiety when I was growing up. We had a very ugly and scary family life due to my step dads violence and abuse towards me. My mother was the victim of terrible abuse in her first marriage and would drug herself out to cope, or curl up on the bed in a ball and sleep so she didn't have to watch the abuse.

I remember many times seeing her take a paper bag to breathe into because she was hyperventilating.

I can't say if the anxiety is circumstantial or genetic. I have always felt a very high level of it. The best thing for me has been to "get safe".  Literally, I hide and make sure I can't be accessed. A day or so and I calm down and can cope better.

[waverider]

Anxiety is normal it is part of our early warning system, it is about recognizing it and keeping it in context, if it is escalating out of control over things we cant control then we need personal boundaries around it. eg remove ourselves from the cause of it.

If you are with someone who is always causing you to live with suspicion and nothing can reassure you then is the RS for you?

This should not be confused with anxiety disorders which just transfer the focus of anxiety

[divina]

I relate. The BPD man in my life would see other people but without telling me, and double down meanwhile on the apparent intimacy of what we were doing together. So when we reconnected, I knew these patterns, and it wasn't necessarily reasonable to think they were not continuing. Yet that fear probably led me to behave in ways that cemented the odds against us reestablishing a working r/ship. What is a person in the OP's position supposed to do--ignore what she knows and what happened before? Speak to the source of her anxiety with her partner and try to gain clarity? (When I did that it went poorly.) Other?

I'm going through that right now in some way.  He has a need for novelty and gets bored quickly.  He is currently wooing someone who doesn't live in our state, but of course, I don't know about it. WINK WINK.  When he does this (something he has never admitted to doing), he becomes emotionally absent from our relationship. Then, he'll drop back in to me like we didn't just have a major lapse in all communication.  (also through this last bout of ST, I discovered that with him, I am sex-positive so long as emotional intimacy and trust is maintained... .but he and I haven't had the discussion about that.)

The silent treatment triggers severe PTSD in me. I can't tolerate feeling abandoned. That is something I have come to realize.  And even though he has always come back, each and every time he does this, I feel like he isn't coming back.

It's been two weeks now (where before his trip we were talking on the phone at least 2.5 hours a week not including the day I would spend at his house.)  

I'm waiting this one out and not reaching out to him in any way.  

At the end of the month is my birthday.  If it goes on past my birthday, I feel like sending a single message.

I understand that you have decided you don't want my friendship.  I'm sorry because I value it a great deal. While it is excrutiating for me to lose you, I accept that you don't want me in your life. I wish you all the happiness in the future. Good luck.

Either he will actually go and that will be it, or he will try to make amends and I have opened up a dialog about MY boundaries and MY triggers.  (I truly hope the latter.)

[unicorn2014]

I personally see a nurse to help me manage my anxiety and take medication. Is there anybody professional that you are seeing for yours? I often find my self using paced breathing, a DBT technique, to help manage my triggers. Have you heard of DBT?