Projection?

[Lou12]

Just having a ponder today about how far your BPD goes with projection?

I am beginning to think that almost every emotion my BPD bf tries to make me feel is exactly what he is feeling. Example... my BPD tries numerous measures to make me jealous and insecure especially around other females (done very covertly through social media etc). I don't bite and just ignore it. I actually am beginning to believe instances such as these and the emotions they may produce are exactly how he feels inside!

Anyone any thoughts on this?

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[isilme]

Yes.  I have found that when FI is angry, upset, or anxious, he needs me to feel that way, too, and also, will try to start a fight by accusing me of doing what he is doing, to justify his feelings in the first place.  He also has no "internal monologue".  When he is mad, no matter at what or at whom, he NEEDS to yell at a person.  I can be upset and yell at an empty house (I prefer this) or type on here to get my feelings out, examine them, and not keep them bottled up.  FI needs a "target", and I am the most conveniently available. Mad at his mom, his sister - I get the yelling.  Mad at his old boss who frankly WAS an abusive b!tch?  Yell at me, the person who supported him emotionally and in every other way throughout it and all other trials. 

All issues, internally from inside him, or from without that he needs to express anger about, kinda gets word-vomited onto me.

I try to not bite back, too, but when I am tired, I sometimes screw up and react in a way that makes it worse.

[steve195915]

Good definition on Projection:

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Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one’s own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, and “injustice collecting”. It is shifting one’s unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.

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My SO has extreme jealousy and always accuses me of talking and texting women, having them over my house, looking at other women when we're out.  In my case I don't believe it was projection but was a result in her fear of abandonment and being cheated on as that was what her ex husband did to her. 

Since each relationship is different with different baggage I think each situation is unique and you will have to decide if it's projection or something else. 

[Jessica84]

isilme - exactly the same for me, except I ended the yelling behavior by exiting each and every time it happened. He found different targets.

Lou - if he can make you feel jealous and insecure, he can control you. Your confidence and self-esteem begin to erode, and suddenly you're afraid to lose him. Insurance that you won't abandon him. Don't fall for it. It's a trap! Mine is the exact same way. I've been compared (more like contrasted) to movie stars. Ehhh, ok. I've been told supermodels are hotter than me. Yeah, ok. I'm happy with my looks. And so is he or he wouldn't stick around. Still, I have my limits and it plays on my insecurities. It's a weapon they use to hit us at our weakest spots. When it stops working, they stop using it.

With projection I don't know if they project exactly what they are feeling. They don't always know what they're feeling. It's uncomfortable for them and it grows and grows. When they can't take it anymore, they want someone else to feel this discomfort. When the other person reacts, they can then blame the other person for this discomfort.

Think of it like this: They're full of acid and throwing it on someone else helps reduce their acid level. We use boundaries as a coat of armor, to avoid getting burned by this acid. Now they have to take their acid elsewhere, hence find another "target".