I had an interesting weekend. Thanks to all that helped me work through it. Babybucks was kind enough to challenge me to validate something that I think it total BS. So, I'll give it a shot. Hopefully you guys can help me through this. Where I think I am. I think I am pretty good at avoiding active invalidation. Probably still could work more on not invalidation through body language posture and all that. I still struggle with validation But I'm working on it. Hopefully this will help. So, for starters I read through the lesson on validation.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation Then reread a couple points. Below is what Babyducks posted for reference.
How she said it was that she she works full time I get no say in what happens on the weekend. (I would guess this is what you would describe as unpalatable). I didn't debate that point, tried to listen.
Interesting. I am not sure who the "I" is here, you or your wife. I agree completely that her need to have more recreation after a full work week could have been expressed in a way that was both clearer and less negative. But, as we all know pwBPD have poor communication skills. with 20/20 hindsight what would a validation look like around this ?
1. I was so so on being present and open. I was in the middle of a garage project and she was "stealing" my workers. Now that my JADE is out of the way, I could have done this better. I was reactive. Oh wait, more JADE, I had just spent the night in a hotel because of the TV. (no wonder this stuff is hard "in the moment" 2. I made no attempt to be reflective. Honestly, I did think about it, but figured I would sound like a smarta$$ confirming through active listening that if she works I get no say. She most likely would have not confirmed it and would have zipped off on another rabbit trail. I think I was probably wise to avoid "refelecting" 3. Reading between the lines/mindreading: I should have made an attempt to do this, because I think I would have come up with she was tired, felt overworked, and wanted to have some fun, blow off some steam I don't think she wanted to steal my workers or involve the police to do it. 4. Understanding behavior in terms of history and biology: I was somewhat aware of this, but in the moment was not really empathetic with this, and certainly didn't try to empathize. Likely this would have diffused things somewhat. 5. Normalizing reactions: (In her mind) she had planned to do this all week. She felt like I was attempting to "take it away" from her. Completely normal that it would be upsetting. 6. Radical Genuineness: I completely failed at this. See my above JADEs. I was pissed at the way she was behaving. In not so many words I communicated this to her. So,
FF gets in the time machine and goes back. What do I wish I could have done and said. I wish I would have put down the tool I had in my hand. Perhaps reached out and lightly touched her and said "
FF wife, hey, what's going on?" At which point she would have repeated something about going to water park. Most likely still in a horrible way. My reflection would have been "So, you've been planning on doing this all week?" No doubt she would have confirmed and spiked the ball, probably done a dance in the endzone.
FF "Wow, given that you have been counting on this all week, it's easy to see how anyone (or should I say you) would be upset, because it looks like I am trying to undo your plans."
FF "I wasn't aware of your plans, can we take a quick 5 minutes to discuss the rest of the day, before getting you on your way to a well deserved fun time" Note: Given the level of intensity, it was unreasonable of me to expect to be able to turn off her plan. At the time, it was so shocking, I wanted to "fight" the insanity. I'm pretty sure that in other peoples posts I would say "Yeah, dude, not a good plan, " Babyducks, What do you think? Everyone else please chime in and accept my challenge to ready through the validation lesson as you ready and respond to this post.
FF
