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Author Topic: As a non, is silence an acceptable reaction?  (Read 412 times)
AmIReadyForThis

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15


« on: January 12, 2016, 11:07:17 AM »

There's this girl(diagnosed w/BPD)... .that I am deeply in love with. We broke up early November and are not currently together. I had initiated NC for a few weeks after however, we have since resumed talking and spending time together over the past few weeks in attempt to bond and get back together. We are pregnant, expecting this summer.

When we started to speak again I had made it known, verbally, that I have missed her and would like to work on becoming a couple again. She responded by saying she doesn't want to rush it and if we are going to we have to take things slow.

We have hung out a few times since that talk and things have gone "well" (after about four separate hang outs we started holding hands, cuddling and we even kissed the last time we hung out).

It makes things a little more difficult because we currently do not live in the same city. We will be seeing each other Thursday next week, for an appointment with our OB. With that in mind I had booked Friday off work with the thought that we could spend time together Friday and the weekend before I head back to the city I live (400miles away). I told her yesterday during the day that I had booked Friday off.

Last night she phoned to tell me that she appreciates how we have been taking it slow and while she understands that I want to hang out, she needs to continue to take it slow, if at all.  My response was a simple "alright".

After waking up this morning, the only thing on my mind is this conversation that occurred last night and how to carry on. Stuck with what to do;

1) Engage in conversation with her as we have the last few weeks (friendly, playful, flirty)

2) If I do engage in conversation with her keep it short

3) Am I best advised to pull back and refrain from engaging in conversation

I've loved this girl since the day we met, I love her for all she is. She truly makes my world the most beautiful place. I don't want to overwhelm her, make her feel rushed. I do want us to be together again.
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Ceruleanblue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2016, 12:18:59 PM »

Well, when you are dealing with pwBPD, it's hard to say what will work exactly, but I've found when things are going "good" to keep the status quo. I'd just keep doing what you've been doing. I wouldn't ramp things up, but I wouldn't back off either. Just keep doing what you've been doing, or she may wonder why the sudden change. I would, and I'm a non. I think those with BPD tend to read into things even more at times, so playing it safe is doing what you've been doing, and taking ques from her. You could even ask her what her comfort level is for now, or is she ready for more?
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AmIReadyForThis

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2016, 09:13:26 PM »

How can I ask what her comfort level is without hitting a trigger? Last two times the conversation has turned to "us" she has pulled back and shut down.

I attempted to engage into conversation as normal today, text which she responded to (short answer though) and a call this afternoon that went unanswered and not returned. Sent a text a couple hours after the call but haven't received a reply. Last text was 4 hours ago.

It's times like these that I really question myself and if I am truly in a place I believe myself to be in with being able to handle and cope with her BPD.
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EaglesJuju
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653



« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2016, 09:35:42 AM »

Hi AmIReadyForThis,

I think you have the right idea with not wanting to overwhelm her. When pwBPD feel overwhelmed by emotions and feeling engulfed, it is common to want space from their partner.  As she mentioned, it is going to take time for her. You must be doing something that is working, considering that she acknowledged your efforts and appreciated them.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I understand how frustrating it is when someone does not reply to your texts/emails/phone calls. It leave you confused with a ton of questions. I have been worried when I have not received a response back from my boyfriend, I usually thought that he didn't care to respond. When he finally did, he was just busy at the time.

From what you mentioned earlier, it seems that she is different when you are physically together (more affectionate etc.). Do you think the physical distance between the both of you could be a trigger for her?
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
AmIReadyForThis

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2016, 10:57:33 AM »

Thank you for the reply EaglesJuju.

I would like to think I have been doing some things "right" for her. The last couple days have really seemed like 1 step forward and 2 steps back though.

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that after I informed her I booked Friday off next week, she went on to tell me not to do that and to go back to work for the Friday. Which she followed by saying she needs to take this slow, if at all.

The last few times we have been physically together she has been different than her texting self; affectionate, open and honest, talking about the future (our future). During facetime calls she is the same person. It just seems with texting and regular (non visual) phone calls she is stand offish and less positive.

If the physical distance is a trigger for her, would my taking the Friday off to spend time together not be met with positivity rather than the "WOW I feel overwhelmed because he wants to spend more time with me"?

I am a lawyer and have been looking for a firm to work in the city she lives. To be closer to her, and to our baby due this summer. We have discussed moving in together and about the split of maternity/paternity leave we are wanting to do (I take 2 months of paternity leave and she takes 10 months of maternity leave).
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EaglesJuju
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653



« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2016, 08:05:08 AM »

I would like to think I have been doing some things "right" for her. The last couple days have really seemed like 1 step forward and 2 steps back though.

It can be so frustrating. A pwBPD's fluctuating emotions can make you really feel like that. I felt like that too. For awhile it was like 1 step forward then 5 steps backwards, it was very discouraging. Balancing it to be constantly progression may take sometime.

If the physical distance is a trigger for her, would my taking the Friday off to spend time together not be met with positivity rather than the "WOW I feel overwhelmed because he wants to spend more time with me"?

BPD behaviors are completely paradoxical.  PwBPD have both fears of abandonment and engulfment. Emotional involvement with another person triggers or activate both fears. It is the quintessential push-pull behavior. When a pwBPD is feeling like they being consumed or their identity is being swallowed up by their partner, it triggers fears of engulfment. Essentially, when a pwBPD feels like they are getting "too close," they tend to distance themselves and push the partner away. The caveat is when a pwBPD is too far away, abandonment fears become activated. There are different behavioral reactions to abandonment fears and engulfment. It can be related to a fear of rejection, such as "I am pushing you away because you will eventually leave me because I am a horrible person."

In addition, pwBPD tend to have a lack of object constancy and object permanence. A lack of object constancy is the ability to see a partner as a whole entity, embodying both virtues faults. A pwBPD tends to perceive their partner in absolutes, either frustrating/withholding or rewarding/satisfying (splitting).  This is emotionally driven as in a bulk of BPD behavior.  A lack of object permanence is the inability to conjure the image of a person when that person is not physically present, which can trigger abandonment fears and the subsequent "pull" or clingy behaviors.

From a "normal" perspective the behavior is an enigma, although for a person who lives life basing everything off emotions it makes sense.

I am a lawyer and have been looking for a firm to work in the city she lives. To be closer to her, and to our baby due this summer. We have discussed moving in together and about the split of maternity/paternity leave we are wanting to do (I take 2 months of paternity leave and she takes 10 months of maternity leave).

What did she say about moving in together?
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
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