Self awareness around BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDw has given me quite a lot of trouble the past year. Daily dysregulation, hatred toward my family, accusations that I never loved her, and being a horrible mother and wife were the daily routine for quite some time.

She moved out in September and was back two days later. Then she moved out again in November, this time taking everything she owns and telling me she was never coming back. A few days later, she called and asked me if I would consider this a temporary or "therapeutic" separation.

Two weeks later she moved back home with the stipulation that she would go to the partial hospitalization program, get back into therapy, and go to MC. While she did not go to partial hospitalization (her psychiatrist agreed to see her daily for a week, instead) she stepped up counseling to weekly and we are going back to MC next week.

Everything has been good since she came back. She says leaving made her realize what she was losing and she could not stand being away from me and the kids. She has made amends with my family, tried hard (and succeeded) at being a better mother and wife, and is sticking with what her doctors and therapist recommend.

One the way back from a romantic overnight on New Years Day, she asked me if I had ever heard of something called borderline personality disorder and if I thought she has it.

Now, that is like answering the ":)oes this make my butt look big?" question. There is no right answer. So, I played dumb and asked her to tell me what BPD is and why she thinks she has it.  

Turns out one of her friends was diagnosed and told W she thinks she has it. So, W asked her T, who told her she does not like to use labels, but yes, she thought that fit W well. (Her T and our MC have both told me in confidence they feel W is the poster child for BPD)   

Now we are dealing with BPD out in the open. W has been remarkably stable; more so than she has been in years. There is no guarantee it will stay like this, but it feels like she has made some real progress. It is not a matter of if she will have more BPD related issues, but when, how serious, and for how long.

Has anyone had a SO with BPD make this type of progress? How did you help to keep the progress going in the right direction? What setbacks were experienced?        

[Cole]

My BPDw has given me quite a lot of trouble the past year. Daily dysregulation, hatred toward my family, accusations that I never loved her, and being a horrible mother and wife were the daily routine for quite some time.

She moved out in September and was back two days later. Then she moved out again in November, this time taking everything she owns and telling me she was never coming back. A few days later, she called and asked me if I would consider this a temporary or "therapeutic" separation.

Two weeks later she moved back home with the stipulation that she would go to the partial hospitalization program, get back into therapy, and go to MC. While she did not go to partial hospitalization (her psychiatrist agreed to see her daily for a week, instead) she stepped up counseling to weekly and we are going back to MC next week.

Everything has been good since she came back. She says leaving made her realize what she was losing and she could not stand being away from me and the kids. She has made amends with my family, tried hard (and succeeded) at being a better mother and wife, and is sticking with what her doctors and therapist recommend.

One the way back from a romantic overnight on New Years Day, she asked me if I had ever heard of something called borderline personality disorder and if I thought she has it.

Now, that is like answering the ":)oes this make my butt look big?" question. There is no right answer. So, I played dumb and asked her to tell me what BPD is and why she thinks she has it.  

Turns out one of her friends was diagnosed and told W she thinks she has it. So, W asked her T, who told her she does not like to use labels, but yes, she thought that fit W well. (Her T and our MC have both told me in confidence they feel W is the poster child for BPD)   

Now we are dealing with BPD out in the open. W has been remarkably stable; more so than she has been in years. There is no guarantee it will stay like this, but it feels like she has made some real progress. It is not a matter of if she will have more BPD related issues, but when, how serious, and for how long.

Has anyone had a SO with BPD make this type of progress? How did you help to keep the progress going in the right direction? What setbacks were experienced?        

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[mitti]

Hi Cole, 

To me this actually sounds like pretty great progress. I don't mean that you won't have setbacks. Not to be a pessimist but you probably will, but to get a person to consider that they may fit a description as tricky and stigmatised as BPD is a huge step.

My uBPDexbf, together for a total of 4 years, I have known him for 7 years, and trying to reconcile, told me not long after we started dating that somebody had once told him he had BPD. I had no idea what it was and he didn't seem "sick" at all so I brushed it off as nothing else but a trying to get even by a previous gf. After two years I googled his crazy behaviour, came across this site and wanted to tell him immediately. We were then broken up but when we did get back together I told him about it, and described BPD to him. He said that was exactly how he felt.

Now of course, he had always told me he felt there was something wrong with him, and never (unless badly dysregulated and raging) blamed me, so in that respect it was a smaller step for him, but to own their difficulties as their own is a huge step forward. A lot of sufferers never do. So I think this is promising for you and wife.

In my interaction with my ex, what made the most significant difference was learning how to validate his feelings, and my own I might add. I realised that in fact my communication, with most people, for the most part usually had been very invalidating. Learning this skill, and I am still learning, worked like a miracle.

He didn't accept the BPD description all the time, and he never got an official diagnosis though the T agreed that this fit his behaviour. We stopped calling it BPD but it didn't matter because he was totally on board with admitting to having a serious attachment disorder, and that worked the same. In fact I think it calmed him down to know what it was that had made him feel so awful abut himself all his life. And I just wanted us to get better. He has in total had about two years T. We are currently broken up, but this is mostly caused by residue from the first breakup before I knew about BPD. So one important, very important piece of advice is to deal with your own issues.

He never had the same types of rages again as before he was in T. He still goes through push and pull, but very much diminished to how it was. When we were together he would no longer just disappear on me without saying a word anymore but would let me know he needed time away. I could contact him after a few days and he would respond and let me know if he was ready or not.

The mistake I made that caused a rather big setback and led to a breakup lasting a year was that I started putting demands on him to get better at a faster pace than he was able. I regret that a lot. I also wouldn't really accept my own blame and I had problem getting over the past. He apologised so many times to me but I wanted for him to get 100% at once and it doesn't happen that way. I never told him that but I blamed him for everything, and so did he. He just couldn't cope with all that blame. We did get back together again after that though.

So set your goals realistically and have your own separate therapy too. We get into relationships with people with BPD because we also have attachment issues sometimes hidden a lot deeper than they do. So we may function better but our problems are mirrored in their disorder.

Best wishes to both of you.

[formflier]

  Cole, I would try to do some research on best way to handle this.  No experience on this end.  My guess is that it is better to let her self identify rather than trying to "stick" a label on her.  Once she self identifies, I wouldn't make it a big thing, but focus on the next step.  Don't make it a huge deal, but also not something that gets swept under the rug.  I think this is good step.   

FF

[Cole]

Cole,

I would try to do some research on best way to handle this.  No experience on this end.

My guess is that it is better to let her self identify rather than trying to "stick" a label on her.

Once she self identifies, I wouldn't make it a big thing, but focus on the next step.  Don't make it a huge deal, but also not something that gets swept under the rug.

I think this is good step. 

FF

Good feedback. I am really downplaying the whole BPD realization and letting her work this out with her psychiatrist and therapist. I am sure we will get into it in MC, since she has given her T and the MC permission to share information.

It is like she is the woman I married so many years ago again. I love it, but am also concerned because she flipped so fast. Kind of like losing weight really fast- you tend to put it back on.   

To me this actually sounds like pretty great progress. I don't mean that you won't have setbacks. Not to be a pessimist but you probably will, but to get a person to consider that they may fit a description as tricky and stigmatised as BPD is a huge step.

Definitely correct here. BPD is manageable, but by no means 100% curable. I fully expect setbacks. I think our MC, with the help of wife's T, can help both of us prepare for those setbacks so they will be shorter in duration and less intense.

[formflier]

 Cole, I like to use little sayings in my head to make things seem achievable, not so daunting.  I try this with my wife as well, no idea how it takes.  One of my favorites is "Take the next step, "  Instead of advising someone to take a journey (which could be huge and daunting, just take a step, much less intimidating)  

FF