Solving lazyness in the bedroom

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has become lazy in every sense of the word. If it doesn't have to be done he doesn't do it or he leaves it for me until I do it. I know that he is very depressed, he blames it on the weather, I know that he is just this way because he was like this, this summer. Lately he has become completely lazy in the bedroom and I have expressed my unhappiness with it. He's even said a couple times that it's the same thing over and over again. But when push comes to shove he doesn't change anything. Last night he asked for sex and I basically said why don't you try and woo me into having sex. That was the end of that because he isn't going to put forth effort into trying to get me in the mood. A few hours later he asked again and I started to say, ok let me show you something I would like from you. I started to get up and he says "ok show me how your boyfriend at work turns you on". Stopped right there and said, F you. Not gonna happen now, you can't say crap like that to me and expect sex. I can't just magically get in the mood when he is ho hum all the time and then he throws in smart ass comments like that. This isn't the first time I have tried to talk to him about it. I've tried to say something before and he always assumes I want something different because I am having sex with someone else. I really don't understand this assumption. If I were having sex with someone else I wouldn't give a crap what it was like with him.

So there are two things going on, him accusing me, or playfully mentioning his thoughts about me cheating on him. This is not new but I have made it clear I don't like it and I don't accept it. And second his utter lack of give a crap about our sex life. He puts no effort into it, he puts no effort into turning me on, he puts no effort into anything he does. He asks for it, but he won't do anything to get it other than ask. Then he complains that I don't have sex with him enough but he never puts forth effort when we do have sex, so why would I want to?

I decided I am going to try and show him again what I want and what would entice me to be with him more often. What other options do I have besides this if this doesn't work?

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[Ceruleanblue]

I think showing a healthy, emotionally stable person could potentially work, but that's likely not what your husband is. How you intend it, probably isn't going to be how it would be received. It's frustrating, I know.

Does it help in other situations if you request a time to talk ahead of time? I've done that before, and I think it gets BPDh ready to talk, and then he doesn't feel blindsided, and he's had time to know the talk is coming. Does it help if you start up with a LOT of positives? John Gottman calls it a "soft start up". I try to do that. Lead in with how much you love him, and being intimate with him, and maybe some of the things you do enjoy, then tell him some things you'd ALSO like, and ask him if he has any ideas.

I mean, how he receives it is on him, and you should certainly be able to have a conversation about this. If he brings up any of the "boyfriend at work" talk, I'd quickly shelve the talk for another time, and just let him know that it isn't true, and that you find it disrespectful. Don't argue, or JADE, just state the fact, and don't engage after that.

If he has REAL worries or concerns, he needs to learn to share them with you in a non accusatory way. I never mind giving reassurances, or explaining things, but I DO NOT like to do that when I've been falsely accused, so I know where you are coming from on that.