He threw his laptop on the ground and smashed it. I "made him."

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. Long... .long winter. He usually is more BPD-y than normal during the winter, but this one is rough. The past week he had 2 major dysregulations. The first one was over the fact that his son called and asked me for his grandmother's phone number (husbands mom)

I gave it to him and didn't give it a second thought. The next day, H starts raging that that is HIS mother and his son only wants to call her because he's bored, and now he's going to look worse for not calling her because son is calling her. He was adamant that I should have asked him if son could have it, and I should have told him I lost it.

I simply stated it was his choice whether or not to speak to his mother, and I would not lie about events to cover up things like these. If he didn't want his son to have it (he has ample time to tell me. I saw the text, read it out loud, said "I'll answer this when I get back" and went to the restroom and started supper before I even can back to the phone and started to search for her number and give it to him). Even if he did tell me he didn't want son to have it... .I still wouldn't have lied for him. I did that before... .won't do it any longer.

Well, this kicks off a whole thing where he talked about why he doesn't talk to his mother. I was glad actually that he started to talk about this. He's angry about his childhood (I've explained some here... .long story short he has abandonment issues for a reason), and he said he was angry at her for moving out of state and taking Dad. (We actually helped them move out of state. He drove the entire time, was perfectly pleasant on the surface. )

He was angry about how when we got to his mom's new place the day before we were heading back, he asked her if she was home alone and her roommate yelled across the house "I'm right here!" He said she was accusing him of being a thief, how he didn't want any of her junk, and she probably just wants to have sex with his mother.

... .

...

I thought it was rude the woman yelled across the house, but I didn't feel that she was accusing us of theft or mischief. The rest of that... .I couldn't even validate honestly so I said nothing.

He talked about his rocky past and relationship with his parents. All in all after he calmed... .that conversation was pretty productive.

The night before last... .not productive.

He was using his laptop, started getting pissed that the spacebar wasn't working right so he starts banging on it VERY hard. (Doesn't seem to be the way to go about it... .but OK) I didn't say a word or pay any attention to his fit. Then, he banged on it hard again while staring at me and leaning forward and back real quick like a "come at me bro" movement if that makes sense.

Then I asked him why he just did that to me. Here it came. We made love the other night and it was fantastic. I mean fantastic. We spent 30 minutes in bed after talking and laughing and cuddling.

I get up to use the restroom, and I went to check on some fish I was watching for a friend real quick. They were all dead. All of them. I went back to the room crying because I was responsible for them and something happened and they all died. I felt guilty and bad for my friend. When I got back, he said in a joking voice "hey baby, we should still be basking in how wonderful I am" and I said of course you are right... .not the right time. So we went back to it. No problem. I didn't mention it again until morning.

Apparently, this is where I was being an A@@hole. He said he was pissed off because if he did it THAT good I wouldn't have thought of anything else, and I must love those fish more than him. Why... .if he wants real emotion out of me... .he must murder fish! I kept

'babbling about it" when I shouldn't have even talked about it for days. Sex must not be that important to me if that's how I acted. Maybe I'm already getting it from elsewhere and I just tell him I want him as a joke. This makes him not want to try ever again, so I might as well go F someone else at work.

During his tyraid, he threw his cigarettes. Not a thing that will do much damage... .but I wanted to avoid it going any further. I told him I wasn't going to listen to him if he starts throwing things. That made him mad. He jumped up and had his laptop in his hands and over his head... .screaming at me to "let him finish"

Here's the deal with "letting him finish". "Letting him finish" means sit there in silence while he rants and raves for hours, while he keeps relooping and repeating the same statements over and over and over again. Been on that ride... .not impressed.

I grabbed my phone. I said if he didn't calm down and stop throwing things, I will be forced to call. He said I couldn't because he isn't threatening me or touching me. I said I feel threatened by his violent behavior and it needs to stop. He kept yelling about wanting to talk, and I kept saying I won't listen unless he stops throwing things.

Down goes the laptop. He throws it on the ground, and stomps it. He own stuff.

Then starts screaming how I don't care about him. That was his only link to the outside and I 'let him' break his own things. Why if it was him... .he would have been quite and listen to me if I was threatening that!

*sighs*

The evening went on with just... .he was mad about me bringing up the fish. He was mad at me for playing video games even though he handed it to me and said he didn't want to play his hands hurt. But, he only said that because when it was his turn because I walked in front of the TV too many times (I was getting up and making dinner. The door is on his side) and how he NEVER does that to me (there's no where for him to go on my side. I'm on the wall)

There's some other crap but it was big ol huge blamefest, then he said I can get out of the marriage. He will leave and I can keep his check. Maybe then I would listen to him. Maybe then I would care.

He said it seemed like I didn't care. Well OK hun but at the same time... .how many times can someone go through this and NOT get tuned off? I can't control him or his actions. If he wants to leave that bad... .go.

Four factors are in play here 1. David Bowie died that day. It might not sound like much, but stuff like that can hit him pretty hard. 2. His father's failing health and his lack of communication with them 3. because of the sex issues we've had, he was super self-conscious about it 4. winter months always make him more depressed.

I'm thinking of writing my feelings out in a letter to him. I can't get a word in edgewise when he's in that state. He won't hear me anyways. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. He might end up misinterpreting what I mean or tone since it's text. Or, it might go over better.

Has anyone tried the letter deal?

[ColdEthyl]

Hello everyone. Long... .long winter. He usually is more BPD-y than normal during the winter, but this one is rough. The past week he had 2 major dysregulations. The first one was over the fact that his son called and asked me for his grandmother's phone number (husbands mom)

I gave it to him and didn't give it a second thought. The next day, H starts raging that that is HIS mother and his son only wants to call her because he's bored, and now he's going to look worse for not calling her because son is calling her. He was adamant that I should have asked him if son could have it, and I should have told him I lost it.

I simply stated it was his choice whether or not to speak to his mother, and I would not lie about events to cover up things like these. If he didn't want his son to have it (he has ample time to tell me. I saw the text, read it out loud, said "I'll answer this when I get back" and went to the restroom and started supper before I even can back to the phone and started to search for her number and give it to him). Even if he did tell me he didn't want son to have it... .I still wouldn't have lied for him. I did that before... .won't do it any longer.

Well, this kicks off a whole thing where he talked about why he doesn't talk to his mother. I was glad actually that he started to talk about this. He's angry about his childhood (I've explained some here... .long story short he has abandonment issues for a reason), and he said he was angry at her for moving out of state and taking Dad. (We actually helped them move out of state. He drove the entire time, was perfectly pleasant on the surface. )

He was angry about how when we got to his mom's new place the day before we were heading back, he asked her if she was home alone and her roommate yelled across the house "I'm right here!" He said she was accusing him of being a thief, how he didn't want any of her junk, and she probably just wants to have sex with his mother.

... .

...

I thought it was rude the woman yelled across the house, but I didn't feel that she was accusing us of theft or mischief. The rest of that... .I couldn't even validate honestly so I said nothing.

He talked about his rocky past and relationship with his parents. All in all after he calmed... .that conversation was pretty productive.

The night before last... .not productive.

He was using his laptop, started getting pissed that the spacebar wasn't working right so he starts banging on it VERY hard. (Doesn't seem to be the way to go about it... .but OK) I didn't say a word or pay any attention to his fit. Then, he banged on it hard again while staring at me and leaning forward and back real quick like a "come at me bro" movement if that makes sense.

Then I asked him why he just did that to me. Here it came. We made love the other night and it was fantastic. I mean fantastic. We spent 30 minutes in bed after talking and laughing and cuddling.

I get up to use the restroom, and I went to check on some fish I was watching for a friend real quick. They were all dead. All of them. I went back to the room crying because I was responsible for them and something happened and they all died. I felt guilty and bad for my friend. When I got back, he said in a joking voice "hey baby, we should still be basking in how wonderful I am" and I said of course you are right... .not the right time. So we went back to it. No problem. I didn't mention it again until morning.

Apparently, this is where I was being an A@@hole. He said he was pissed off because if he did it THAT good I wouldn't have thought of anything else, and I must love those fish more than him. Why... .if he wants real emotion out of me... .he must murder fish! I kept

'babbling about it" when I shouldn't have even talked about it for days. Sex must not be that important to me if that's how I acted. Maybe I'm already getting it from elsewhere and I just tell him I want him as a joke. This makes him not want to try ever again, so I might as well go F someone else at work.

During his tyraid, he threw his cigarettes. Not a thing that will do much damage... .but I wanted to avoid it going any further. I told him I wasn't going to listen to him if he starts throwing things. That made him mad. He jumped up and had his laptop in his hands and over his head... .screaming at me to "let him finish"

Here's the deal with "letting him finish". "Letting him finish" means sit there in silence while he rants and raves for hours, while he keeps relooping and repeating the same statements over and over and over again. Been on that ride... .not impressed.

I grabbed my phone. I said if he didn't calm down and stop throwing things, I will be forced to call. He said I couldn't because he isn't threatening me or touching me. I said I feel threatened by his violent behavior and it needs to stop. He kept yelling about wanting to talk, and I kept saying I won't listen unless he stops throwing things.

Down goes the laptop. He throws it on the ground, and stomps it. He own stuff.

Then starts screaming how I don't care about him. That was his only link to the outside and I 'let him' break his own things. Why if it was him... .he would have been quite and listen to me if I was threatening that!

*sighs*

The evening went on with just... .he was mad about me bringing up the fish. He was mad at me for playing video games even though he handed it to me and said he didn't want to play his hands hurt. But, he only said that because when it was his turn because I walked in front of the TV too many times (I was getting up and making dinner. The door is on his side) and how he NEVER does that to me (there's no where for him to go on my side. I'm on the wall)

There's some other crap but it was big ol huge blamefest, then he said I can get out of the marriage. He will leave and I can keep his check. Maybe then I would listen to him. Maybe then I would care.

He said it seemed like I didn't care. Well OK hun but at the same time... .how many times can someone go through this and NOT get tuned off? I can't control him or his actions. If he wants to leave that bad... .go.

Four factors are in play here 1. David Bowie died that day. It might not sound like much, but stuff like that can hit him pretty hard. 2. His father's failing health and his lack of communication with them 3. because of the sex issues we've had, he was super self-conscious about it 4. winter months always make him more depressed.

I'm thinking of writing my feelings out in a letter to him. I can't get a word in edgewise when he's in that state. He won't hear me anyways. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. He might end up misinterpreting what I mean or tone since it's text. Or, it might go over better.

Has anyone tried the letter deal?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

Is he in therapy?

[Ceruleanblue]

Looking back, do you think if you'd just walked away, things might have gone better? I know it's something I've had to learn to do at times. I can sort of judge when it's "safe" to try to talk, or listen, and when it's better to just walk away, and let BPDh cool down. He does withdraw to punish, but I've come to see he also needs this cool down time.

You can try text or letter, but I haven't had very good results with it. It makes ME feel better though, and I know he can always go back and reread my thoughts and feelings, and the goodwill I have towards him and our marriage. I doubt he ever does that, but it's there if he wants to. A couple times he's written me back, so I can't say it's never been beneficial at all. Keep any blame out of the letter, and use plenty of "I" statements. BPDh can and does twist things in a negative way, even positive things, so I'm careful how I phrase things. That way, if he does misinterpret, I've done all I can do to head that off, and I know it's just his negative slant on things.

I hope the letter is well received, but don't get upset if it's ignored, or not well received. I guess sometimes we just have to be content knowing our own intent, and knowing we've done our best.

[Jessica84]

So sorry ColdEthyl  

That's a doozy. Sounds like crying after sex was the trigger... .the other factors (David Bowie's death, parents, winter depression) may have made him spiral worse. Perhaps once he's calmed down, you can try to validate his insecurities.

But first... .how are YOU? Do you feel safe? Is there someone you can call or somewhere you can go? You must be so rattled after that episode. Take care of yourself.

[ColdEthyl]

@blackbird no, and he will not go.

@Ceruleanblue looking back, I shouldn't have taken on stand on that throwing stuff deal... .at least not in the way I handled it. Standing there with the phone in my hand threatening to call the police probably wasn't the best move to a pwBPD. I should have walked away.

@Jessica84 I'm fine I feel safe. I took the day off work yesterday to regather myself. Our day went like a typical day but with under-toning stress to it.

I asked him if he was OK, and he said he didn't know. Last night I asked him if we are OK, and he said he didn't know.

This afternoon, we talked during lunch, and he was back to usual self. He was sorry, he said he's not ever gonna give up on us, etc etc I'll try speaking to him in a day or two.

What gets me the most is the sabotage. He hands me the controller, says his hands hurt and then later gets pissed off that I was 'playing too much." He was like "I lied to you and you didn't get it! You never got I was mad!" Well dude... .am I supposed to be a mind reader, now?

It's like playing a game you didn't know you were playing, where the rules are hidden and you don't know until you have broken it.     

The other thing that gets me about the fish deal he's yelling... .he was like " I even SAID something to you about coming in like that!" I said yes... .you did. And immediately after I apologized and went back to our original conversation. And he acknowledges I did that, but is still pissed off and wants to yell.

He wants me to be a perfect mindreader, I guess.

[Cloudy Days]

So much of this sounds like my husband, the blaming for things you had nothing to do with and so much more.

I have written a letter to my husband on several occasions. I think I do it more for me than it is for him. It has gone two ways, and the time you deliver it is important too. My husband has read my letter before and then focused on one thing that I wrote rather than the entire letter. Other times he has honestly looked at the letter, still responded to one thing but it was a positive thing and things were good for the moment. Either way, it still felt good to get it all out on paper. I find that I am able to write my feelings out better rather than speaking them, so maybe you could write a letter out, read it a couple times and then decide weather or not to give it to him. Hang in there, the winter is rougher around here too.

[Grey Kitty]

  Geez, that is all tough.

Thoughts... .

1. He's stressed and upset and agitated. His favorite coping mechanism is to blame you and lash out at you. If he has to set you up with something before he lashes out at you... .he will.

I think it really didn't matter what you did--he was gonna blow up at you. He can always find a way/excuse for either anything you did or anything you didn't do. It isn't really the fish or the controller or his laptop or anything else.

2. It isn't that he wants you to be a mindreader. It is that he wants to have it be your fault, because then it isn't HIS fault, and he doesn't have the skills to cope with anything being his fault... .sigh... .

3. Writing the letter is a great exercise for you. I highly recommend it.

Sending it to him... .well, maybe... .

After you write it, set it aside... .and think about what you actually want to communicate with him, and what outcomes you want from it. And think about whether any of that is actually vaguely achievable. Then re-read what you wrote and see if knowing his BPD you can actually come up with the possibility of a good outcome from sending it. Most likely you'll need to do a complete re-write, take out half of it, put new stuff in, and use the best communication tools from the forums to get somewhere.

[maryy16]

The blaming is all too familiar to me. Can't tell you how many times I've heard, "You made me do it." "if it wasn't for you, ... ." "It's all your fault." I can can also relate to the "set up." My H would very nicely say things like, "You go ahead and (fill in the blank). I'm fine right now." But, then, if I "took too long" according to his warped-perception of time, then he would flip and become angry. If I'd remind him that it was he who let me do whatever it was, then his comeback would be, "Yeah, but who knew you would take so long."

As far as the letter is concerned, unfortunately I highly doubt that it would make any difference at all. In fact, it would probably enrage him and he'll counteract by writing you back a hateful letter spewing out everthing that's "wrong with you", bringing up every past issue, plus threats for the future. Even if parts of the letter would get through to him, it is very, very difficult for a pwBPD to admit any faults.

On a side note, H refused therapy for close to 30 years, but within the last year he enrolled himself in an anger management class and has done some private therapy. So, there is hope. Just make sure you take care of yourself in the meantime.

[ColdEthyl]

He's in a low depression at the moment. He gets quiet. He doesn't ignore me, but he's still. I'm enjoying the silence. It usually happens after a big ol blowup.

All I really wanted to convey with the letter is he calls me autistic because I don't always 'get' social stuff sometimes, or realize how something I say or the way I say it would offend people.

The thing is... .my son is Asperger's so yeah... .I'm probably a bit autistic. That's doesn't hurt me when he says it... .but what hurts is I'm supposed to be perfect. When we have a disagreement, most of the time I do listen and not cut him off... .even when he's recycling everything he just said. Heck he even SAID that the other night... .that I do let him finish most of the time.

But sometimes, I get so angry that I don't care. I don't care what he's saying, I don't care that I'm cutting him off. It's like I 'see red' sometimes. Emotions just get cut off and it's all about not being a victim and surviving.

I've tried to explain this. When he's not dysregulating, he says he understands. When he is... .I'm a stupid autistic idiot who's a Hilary voter. (a favorite knock of his.)

I can't be perfect. I can work on myself and I can try... .but I cannot be perfect. If he wants perfection... .he will never be happy. No one is EVER perfect.

Is that vaguely achievable? Is it possible to get to a point to where yeah... .we both have our moments... but we are able to communicate and work together still?

Overall, these types of severe dysregulations happen once... .maaaaaaaaaybe twice a year. But when they hit... .they drain me.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm probably a bit autistic. That's doesn't hurt me when he says it... .but what hurts is I'm supposed to be perfect... .I can't be perfect. I can work on myself and I can try... .but I cannot be perfect. If he wants perfection... .he will never be happy. No one is EVER perfect.

  Yes, it's so exhausting to watch their dysregulations and then endure the aftermath. So sorry.

I get this type of criticism a lot. I should have said something slightly different than the way I said it. Even happens when I am not triggered and I've pondered how to say something and practiced a few different approaches.

So yeah. How are we supposed to say things perfectly for them when we're upset?

And of course, it's perfectly OK in their world to be complete a-holes to us when they're upset. They don't have to watch their words. So unfair!

[ColdEthyl]

I'm probably a bit autistic. That's doesn't hurt me when he says it... .but what hurts is I'm supposed to be perfect... .I can't be perfect. I can work on myself and I can try... .but I cannot be perfect. If he wants perfection... .he will never be happy. No one is EVER perfect.

  Yes, it's so exhausting to watch their dysregulations and then endure the aftermath. So sorry.

I get this type of criticism a lot. I should have said something slightly different than the way I said it. Even happens when I am not triggered and I've pondered how to say something and practiced a few different approaches.

So yeah. How are we supposed to say things perfectly for them when we're upset?

And of course, it's perfectly OK in their world to be complete a-holes to us when they're upset. They don't have to watch their words. So unfair!

Hmm... .I guess this whole thing is a feature, not a bug. I had wondered if trying to explain this in a letter would be beneficial. I'm beginning to think not.

[formflier]

 I think writing the letter is a great idea to help condense you ideas down and figure out what matters.  As others have said, sending it is a separate issue.  I think you've gotten great advice.  My impression is that disengaging earlier (walking away) would be better.  Has he ever hit you or are violent outburst a regular thing?  

FF

[ColdEthyl]

I think writing the letter is a great idea to help condense you ideas down and figure out what matters.  As others have said, sending it is a separate issue.

I think you've gotten great advice.  My impression is that disengaging earlier (walking away) would be better.

Has he ever hit you or are violent outburst a regular thing?

FF

He's hit me once when I was grabbing the TV from him to stop him from throwing that. Besides that, no. I've hit him 3 times previously. The throwing the TV thing was the last big outburst he has had and I'm thinking that was a bit over a year ago during last winter. The last time I hit him was almost 3 years ago.

This part of the relationship is what really bothers me the most. I've made a commitment to myself to never allow myself to get so angry that I hit him again. I was married 14 years before this marriage, and we NEVER got like this. Ever. I never even thought of it, or thought I was capable of it.

I'm afraid of walking away to a certain extent. I have kids... .should I pack them up in the middle of the night when he's acting like this? I don't think he would ever hurt them, but if I left I guarantee he would destroy everything in the house.

[formflier]

  How many times have you called the cops on him?  

FF

[ColdEthyl]

I haven't. It never gets that far. I didn't call when he hit me because we were both kinda wrestling around with that TV. He's never called the 3 times I hit him.

After that last thing with the TV, we made a deal to not put our hands on each other again. It's not right and not acceptable on either side of the table.

The few occasions in the past where I did have to grab my phone and threaten to call the police, he scrambled and yelled but sat down and stopped pacing and throwing stuff. This time, he smashed his laptop but then still sat down and stopped after that.

[unicorn2014]

If you are writing the letter to him to make him stop smashing his possessions, I'm not sure that that will help. It might help for you to write down your feelings for yourself so that you can establish a boundary for yourself. I know in the beginning stages of my relationship my partner often threw his phone when we were on facetime. In his case he got on the right medication which helped him deal with his hyperarousal, he also got treated for his ptsd with emdr which also helped stopped that behavior.

You can't make him realize that he didn't make you smash his laptop, I am sure you realize that. I also don't know that telling him how you feel is going to change anything.

[ColdEthyl]

You are probably right. I wasn't expecting the letter to stop him from throwing things, just hoping for understanding on my side. I suppose I'll never get that. How incredibly depressing. Makes me question everything, really. And that... .in itself... .is even more depressing.

[formflier]

  ColdEthyl, I've called police before.  Luckily nothing ever resulted in an arrest.  Here is the thing, I don't think I ever threatened.  I acted.    Not saying you should have in this instance.  It seems disengaging works.  Might want to talk to and L and figure out what happens if you hubby starts smashing things and police are called.  Not you, but things.  It worries me a bit that there have been threats but no action on this.  I could be misconstruing how this went down though.  Has there ever been a time when you said stop or I will call, and he didn't stop?  

FF

[unicorn2014]

You are probably right. I wasn't expecting the letter to stop him from throwing things, just hoping for understanding on my side. I suppose I'll never get that. How incredibly depressing. Makes me question everything, really. And that... .in itself... .is even more depressing.

A dysregulated person is not capable of understanding another person. Think of it as an adult temper tantrum. Nothing is impossible but unless your husband gets treatment it is highly unlikely things will change. There is a depression poll here on BPD family you might want to think about taking. You might also want to think about talking to a health care practitioner about your own depression. Its really important that you take good care of yourself.

[ColdEthyl]

ColdEthyl,

I've called police before.  Luckily nothing ever resulted in an arrest.

Here is the thing, I don't think I ever threatened.  I acted. 

Not saying you should have in this instance.  It seems disengaging works.

Might want to talk to and L and figure out what happens if you hubby starts smashing things and police are called.  Not you, but things.

It worries me a bit that there have been threats but no action on this.  I could be misconstruing how this went down though.

Has there ever been a time when you said stop or I will call, and he didn't stop?

FF

Oh... .no. It's always like... ."If you don't stop, I'm calling." Him... .blabhlabahBPDcrazinessblahblah Me: *starts to dial* Him: Sits down and and calms down.

I WILL call. I'm not afraid to. Just hasn't gotten that far.

@unicorn I got a few issues. I can't afford it, which is why I turn to internet boards, and husband is certain if I go to counseling they will tell me to leave him... .which he's probably right. That in itself is not enough of a problem from stopping me but money is.

He refuses to go to counseling. I did buy a DBT workbook with the intent of trying to do it together but he hasn't participated yet.

[unicorn2014]

Are there any kind of agencies that offer sliding scale fees for counseling? I am also on a very tight budget but my partner offered to pay for my DBT and I let him. I am doing it to help me with him and my d15 who may or may not have a personality disorder.

This is definitely the best moderated board on the internet that is for sure.

I have also found 12 step recovery groups to be very helpful. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting?

[ColdEthyl]

I haven't. I will look into it thank you.

The past few days have been really quiet. Every time I ask him how he's feeling, he says he's tired. Idle chit chat... .we are saying love you... .hugs, kisses. But... .I can feel a distance.

We were making supper last night, and he was getting agitated pretty easily. I didn't drain the meat the way he wanted. He was struggling to open a bouillon cube and I offered to help and he snapped at me to stop. So, I just left him to it and went back to reading.

He sat back down... .no mention of it and idle chit chat commenced. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I reminded myself that he's in a 'crash' phase, so it's best to tread lightly and give him his space.

I am thankful for the ability to vent on here. Logically knowing what's going on with him doesn't always stop me from feeling it still.

[Grey Kitty]

I've had my cell phone out with 911 entered and ready to hit "send" and announced my intention before. I guess you could call it a threat, but there was nothing idle about it.  While I did experience mild physical violence (was slapped) that was a different time. When I was at that limit it was over self harm / suicidal behavior.

My obvious willingness to involve authorities did turn those situations around. At least in the short term. I don't think she does such things anymore, but really don't know now.

[Grey Kitty]

This struck me, ColdEthyl... .and reminded me of where I've been before.

All I really wanted to convey with the letter is he calls me autistic because I don't always 'get' social stuff sometimes, or realize how something I say or the way I say it would offend people.

I've been shy (which I've mostly overcome) and socially awkward (which is also better but flares up in occasional acute attacks, probably similar to anxiety attacks or panic attacks) I accept these things as part of who I am... .

I also USED to believe I was insensitive, unable to read social cues, lacking in emotional intelligence, or possibly a little on the autistic spectrum (although I never considered autism at the time)

Over the last few years, I've completely changed my mind about that second part and don't think it ever applied to me. Yes I've grown further in this area, but I was never that bad.

Instead I believe I was gaslighted into believing I didn't get things... .because of my wife's mental illness and her FOO upbringing.

I was unable to anticipate, avoid, or prevent meltdowns, tantrums, and dysregulations. I somehow believed that I was "stupid" or "defective" or at least "insensitive" because I couldn't prevent them, and, it turned out, was capable of saying something that would trigger one of these.

I somehow believed that other smarter or sensitive people like my wife didn't have this problem. Looking back, all it really meant was that my wife knew how to walk on eggshells around her FOO better than I did and they still had trouble with her anyways. Sometimes she even created problems herself and I tried to talk her out of it upon occasion.

CE, please don't confuse an inability to codependently make a mentally ill person behave well with mild autism. You may well have the latter. Or you may not. I have no way of knowing from here. Nobody has the magical abilities needed to prevent the former.

[formflier]

  CE, Bringing up an issue from another thread.  The slashing of tires.  The past is the past, and you have made great strides in making things better.  Looks like actual physical stuff has been pushed to the past.  I would get by yourself, and check in with people on this board about your decisions and thoughts, but I would think long and hard about what your hubby needs to do in order for you to call police.  In this case do means break things.  If it was his laptop, I don't think I would call.  Even if they were "our" tires I think I would have called.  Please don't take this as criticism just my two cents worth.  Critical you think this through when you are calm.  When you actually make the call, things will not be calm.  

FF

[ColdEthyl]

*nods* If he would have slashed tires, I would have called. If he went any further than what he had... .I would have called.

@GK, I'm going to ponder on that for a little while. At first, it took root with me because my son IS Asperger's, and I can see parts of myself in him. But, he might be using that fact to shine it back on me.

I do have anxiety issues and panic attacks, and I've had them since I was a kid. When I was a kid, though, I didn't know what was going on and I would freak out more and my parents would slap me and tell me to calm down, and tell me I was embarrassing them. It wasn't until I was older when I learned what they were. I am sorry you suffer these, too.

Something he said after breaking his laptop... .I don't know if you guys have noticed or if your spouses do this... .but he said "I won't put my hands on you. You don't know what I've had to overcome" in reference to his anger.

I asked him to go on with that thought but he changed the subject.

I do know from his mother and him that there was domestic violence in the past between him and his ex wife. He was arrested twice before I believe. So, I'm not sure if that's what he means.

I'm feeling more and more stupid over here, heh.

[unicorn2014]

I haven't. I will look into it thank you.

Good! As things are starting to escalate with my daughter I am really thankful for 12 years I've already put into Al-Anon, I'm really drawing on it now. (another story on another board).

He sat back down... .no mention of it and idle chit chat commenced. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I reminded myself that he's in a 'crash' phase, so it's best to tread lightly and give him his space.

What if you just left and went in another room or outside and cried? Last night as I was realizing what was going on with my daughter I burst into tears. I was like after all this with my partner, my ex, now her too? The thing is that after I cried I felt strengthened, like ok then, this is what I have to deal with.

What I am trying to say is that don't suppress your tears. If its not safe to cry in front of him, then go in another room or go outside.

I am thankful for the ability to vent on here. Logically knowing what's going on with him doesn't always stop me from feeling it still.

Venting will get you advice you can follow. It took me many months to take a step back from my relationship and start looking in the mirror, many months of talking to and listening to people on the undecided board.

I was told that often people get one theme of advice.

Is there a theme you have discerned in the advice given you here?

[ColdEthyl]

I haven't. I will look into it thank you.

Good! As things are starting to escalate with my daughter I am really thankful for 12 years I've already put into Al-Anon, I'm really drawing on it now. (another story on another board).

He sat back down... .no mention of it and idle chit chat commenced. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I reminded myself that he's in a 'crash' phase, so it's best to tread lightly and give him his space.

What if you just left and went in another room or outside and cried? Last night as I was realizing what was going on with my daughter I burst into tears. I was like after all this with my partner, my ex, now her too? The thing is that after I cried I felt strengthened, like ok then, this is what I have to deal with.

What I am trying to say is that don't suppress your tears. If its not safe to cry in front of him, then go in another room or go outside.

I am thankful for the ability to vent on here. Logically knowing what's going on with him doesn't always stop me from feeling it still.

Venting will get you advice you can follow. It took me many months to take a step back from my relationship and start looking in the mirror, many months of talking to and listening to people on the undecided board.

I was told that often people get one theme of advice.

Is there a theme you have discerned in the advice given you here?

I have cried in the bathroom before to avoid triggering him. Last night I didn't feel the need to do that.

The theme I have gotten is 1. Put my safety first. 2. Put my mental health into my priority list 3. You can't talk sense to a person who is dysregulating like that.

[unicorn2014]

I have cried in the bathroom before to avoid triggering him. Last night I didn't feel the need to do that.

The theme I have gotten is 1. Put my safety first. 2. Put my mental health into my priority list 3. You can't talk sense to a person who is dysregulating like that.

Those all sound good.

I know I wouldn't feel safe crying around anyone because I feel vulnerable.

Unfortunately my d15 saw me cry over my partner recently.  I wrote about that on my extinction burst thread on the undecided board. Fortunately when I was crying over her it was 3am and she was asleep in her bed.

You are fortunate you don't have a child caught in the crossfire, from what I can tell from your posts I have not seen mention of one.

I trigger myself when i cry. 

[ColdEthyl]

I have cried in the bathroom before to avoid triggering him. Last night I didn't feel the need to do that.

The theme I have gotten is 1. Put my safety first. 2. Put my mental health into my priority list 3. You can't talk sense to a person who is dysregulating like that.

Those all sound good.

I know I wouldn't feel safe crying around anyone because I feel vulnerable.

Unfortunately my d15 saw me cry over my partner recently.  I wrote about that on my extinction burst thread on the undecided board. Fortunately when I was crying over her it was 3am and she was asleep in her bed.

You are fortunate you don't have a child caught in the crossfire, from what I can tell from your posts I have not seen mention of one.

I trigger myself when i cry. 

I have two children d15 and s11. He's worried about what they think of him, so he does this stuff late nights when they are asleep. They are heavy sleepers and are pretty far from the bedroom, so they don't hear/know. My brother is 30 who also lives with me.

My kids do know about his BPD, simply because I've taken care of my brother since he was 14 and he is paranoid schizophrenic. So, they have already had exposure and experience with mental illness.

My son being autistic just takes everything in black/white terms. Like well... OK this is how things are and moves on. My daughter seems to be a lot more empathetic than most kids her age, so I hope that's a good thing. We talk about it often and she asks questions and adds her own insight.