He threw his laptop on the ground and smashed it. I "made him."

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have two children d15 and s11. He's worried about what they think of him, so he does this stuff late nights when they are asleep. They are heavy sleepers and are pretty far from the bedroom, so they don't hear/know. My brother is 30 who also lives with me.

I am glad I asked about children! Are they yours only and his stepchildren or both of yours?

Ok my d15 and I live in a 2BDR apartment so when I cry there is nowhere to hide, that is why I am working so hard to reduce conflict in my current relationship (its long distance), and had to take a huge step back. My problem is sometimes I get sandwiched between my ex and my partner and its like being in a pressure cooker, and there's my daughter's issues. That's why for me crying is so important, once in a while I have to release that pressure.

My kids do know about his BPD, simply because I've taken care of my brother since he was 14 and he is paranoid schizophrenic. So, they have already had exposure and experience with mental illness.

Yes my d15 often tells me she prefers it when her father (my ex) is high as it makes him more manageable. He uses marijuana to self medicate his bipolar. The hard thing about that is she seems to be following in his footsteps. In fact she even told me to stop taking my PTSD medication and get high! I was like "oh no" but that's a thread for another board.

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Disordered adults are like teenagers, they are emotionally immature. I think that's the long and short of it, addressing the subject of your thread. 

[unicorn2014]

I have two children d15 and s11. He's worried about what they think of him, so he does this stuff late nights when they are asleep. They are heavy sleepers and are pretty far from the bedroom, so they don't hear/know. My brother is 30 who also lives with me.

I am glad I asked about children! Are they yours only and his stepchildren or both of yours?

Ok my d15 and I live in a 2BDR apartment so when I cry there is nowhere to hide, that is why I am working so hard to reduce conflict in my current relationship (its long distance), and had to take a huge step back. My problem is sometimes I get sandwiched between my ex and my partner and its like being in a pressure cooker, and there's my daughter's issues. That's why for me crying is so important, once in a while I have to release that pressure.

My kids do know about his BPD, simply because I've taken care of my brother since he was 14 and he is paranoid schizophrenic. So, they have already had exposure and experience with mental illness.

Yes my d15 often tells me she prefers it when her father (my ex) is high as it makes him more manageable. He uses marijuana to self medicate his bipolar. The hard thing about that is she seems to be following in his footsteps. In fact she even told me to stop taking my PTSD medication and get high! I was like "oh no" but that's a thread for another board.

---

Disordered adults are like teenagers, they are emotionally immature. I think that's the long and short of it, addressing the subject of your thread. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I have two children d15 and s11. He's worried about what they think of him, so he does this stuff late nights when they are asleep. They are heavy sleepers and are pretty far from the bedroom, so they don't hear/know. My brother is 30 who also lives with me.

I am glad I asked about children! Are they yours only and his stepchildren or both of yours?

Ok my d15 and I live in a 2BDR apartment so when I cry there is nowhere to hide, that is why I am working so hard to reduce conflict in my current relationship (its long distance), and had to take a huge step back. My problem is sometimes I get sandwiched between my ex and my partner and its like being in a pressure cooker, and there's my daughter's issues. That's why for me crying is so important, once in a while I have to release that pressure.

My kids do know about his BPD, simply because I've taken care of my brother since he was 14 and he is paranoid schizophrenic. So, they have already had exposure and experience with mental illness.

Yes my d15 often tells me she prefers it when her father (my ex) is high as it makes him more manageable. He uses marijuana to self medicate his bipolar. The hard thing about that is she seems to be following in his footsteps. In fact she even told me to stop taking my PTSD medication and get high! I was like "oh no" but that's a thread for another board.

---

Disordered adults are like teenagers, they are emotionally immature. I think that's the long and short of it, addressing the subject of your thread. 

I'm lucky that my kiddo hasn't started any of that yet, but I fear for her. She's got a bit of that emo/goth thing going. I can't really say much... .I was emo/goth kid and still am so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She says she has anxiety and depression, but refuses counseling. She said she'd rather talk to her friends. She also has low self esteem. Her grades were rock bottom last semester, and she said things seemed too hard she was afraid to try because she felt too stupid to do it so she just avoided it. I grounded her from the Internet, her anime club, and outside of school contact with her friends until those grades went up, which they have.

The good news is that she does talk to me about things. I know her friends, what they like, what they talk about, etc. we have pretty open communication.

[unicorn2014]

I'm lucky that my kiddo hasn't started any of that yet, but I fear for her. She's got a bit of that emo/goth thing going. I can't really say much... .I was emo/goth kid and still am so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She says she has anxiety and depression, but refuses counseling. She said she'd rather talk to her friends. She also has low self esteem. Her grades were rock bottom last semester, and she said things seemed too hard she was afraid to try because she felt too stupid to do it so she just avoided it. I grounded her from the Internet, her anime club, and outside of school contact with her friends until those grades went up, which they have.

My d15 also refuses counseling, however she's been getting good grades until this report card which had 4 Cs, she's an A student, but that's for another board. I'm divorced from her father. I had grounded my daughter too and taken away her phone, but the police corporal said because she has started running away I might want to think about letting her keep her phone in case she goes missing again. I had only taken away her phone twice before she ran away. I'm currently reevaluating my parenting approach, with help, but again,  for another board.

The good news is that she does talk to me about things. I know her friends, what they like, what they talk about, etc. we have pretty open communication.

I am glad to hear that. My daughter and I have open communication too, unfortunately that does not stop her from acting out.

So is your husband your children's father or stepfather? I'm sorry, if you already answered that question I missed it.

I'm really glad I am divorced, I could not handle my ex's behavior on top of my daughter's behavior. It would be horrible.

[ColdEthyl]

He is stepfather. My ex-husband died last year from lung cancer. He left the state in 2010, and we divorced in 2011. He didn't bother to have contact with the kids when he left with the exception of the occasional text on Christmas. I am lucky that my daughter does not run away or sneak out or anything like that... .yet

D15 did tell me when her grades plummeted that her dad was molesting her before he left but she doesn't really remember it, she doesn't want counseling she would rather handle it herself. She wrote me a letter where she told me to not to be worried about her being scarred because she's OK.

That's another thing I've been trying to process and deal with that I haven't fully been able to. I was married to that man for 14 years... .14 years. I never saw anything... .never suspected anything... .just floors me. How could he fool everyone? I feel like a failure as a parent... .even though logically I know I did the best I could do. It's my job to protect her... .and I didn't.

[unicorn2014]

He is stepfather. My ex-husband died last year from lung cancer. He left the state in 2010, and we divorced in 2011. He didn't bother to have contact with the kids when he left with the exception of the occasional text on Christmas. I am lucky that my daughter does not run away or sneak out or anything like that... .yet

I am sorry for the loss of your ex.

D15 did tell me when her grades plummeted that her dad was molesting her before he left but she doesn't really remember it, she doesn't want counseling she would rather handle it herself. She wrote me a letter where she told me to not to be worried about her being scarred because she's OK.

My d15 had an incident with a relative of a friend  that she did not want to press charges for and still does not want to talk about. I actually lost my ACA sponsor over that incident as she disagreed with my decision to respect my d15 wish not to press charges.

That's another thing I've been trying to process and deal with that I haven't fully been able to. I was married to that man for 14 years... .14 years. I never saw anything... .never suspected anything... .just floors me. How could he fool everyone? I feel like a failure as a parent... .even though logically I know I did the best I could do. It's my job to protect her... .and I didn't.

It is not your fault. I didn't find out about my ex sociopathic traits until after I divorced him. My ex is still fooling almost everyone. My ex has really hurt my d15 feelings many times over many years and I haven't been able to protect her from that. The best I can do is love her and reassure her and comfort her.

How are things going with your husband today?

[ColdEthyl]

He is stepfather. My ex-husband died last year from lung cancer. He left the state in 2010, and we divorced in 2011. He didn't bother to have contact with the kids when he left with the exception of the occasional text on Christmas. I am lucky that my daughter does not run away or sneak out or anything like that... .yet

I am sorry for the loss of your ex.

D15 did tell me when her grades plummeted that her dad was molesting her before he left but she doesn't really remember it, she doesn't want counseling she would rather handle it herself. She wrote me a letter where she told me to not to be worried about her being scarred because she's OK.

My d15 had an incident with a relative of a friend  that she did not want to press charges for and still does not want to talk about. I actually lost my ACA sponsor over that incident as she disagreed with my decision to respect my d15 wish not to press charges.

That's another thing I've been trying to process and deal with that I haven't fully been able to. I was married to that man for 14 years... .14 years. I never saw anything... .never suspected anything... .just floors me. How could he fool everyone? I feel like a failure as a parent... .even though logically I know I did the best I could do. It's my job to protect her... .and I didn't.

It is not your fault. I didn't find out about my ex sociopathic traits until after I divorced him. My ex is still fooling almost everyone. My ex has really hurt my d15 feelings many times over many years and I haven't been able to protect her from that. The best I can do is love her and reassure her and comfort her.

How are things going with your husband today?

I was angry and bitter with him before I found out what he done. No need to be sorry for his loss. I'm not.

I have decided to respect my daughter because my husband, who was also molested/raped as a child, suggested I respect her feelings on the matter. People tried to force him into counseling, and it made it worse for him. I just let her know if she changes her mind I'm here. If she wants to talk, I am here. If she can't talk but wants to write... .I am here. That's all I can do.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't stop my brain from rolling over everything in the past... .turning over every stone... .trying to figure out what I missed. It's not fair that she has this cross to bear. I am a child of sexual abuse myself... .I should have known. I should have... .sensed it. I didn't. Not a darn thing. Quite the opposite, really. He was very nonchalant about the kids. Even in his psych eval, the counselor said he 'didn't fit the profile' of a child molester and he was more likely to be an absent parent... .which he was. *sighs* I just didn't want my children to even live through some of the things I have and I vowed to protect them from that stuff and then I marry one.

H is doing OK. We went and visited his son and grandbaby so I think that helped a lot take his mind off of some stuff. When we went there, he all of a sudden started a conversation about how his laptop went 'tits up' and he told this whole thing about how it's broken and he's going to have to pull things from the hard drive, etc... .and I'm just sitting there trying to maintain my face. It would be nice if he would warn me when he's gonna BS someone in front of me like that

[unicorn2014]

I have decided to respect my daughter because my husband, who was also molested/raped as a child, suggested I respect her feelings on the matter. People tried to force him into counseling, and it made it worse for him. I just let her know if she changes her mind I'm here. If she wants to talk, I am here. If she can't talk but wants to write... .I am here. That's all I can do.

I understand and I am dealing with similar problems with my d15 which I wrote about on the parenting board.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't stop my brain from rolling over everything in the past... .turning over every stone... .trying to figure out what I missed. It's not fair that she has this cross to bear. I am a child of sexual abuse myself... .I should have known. I should have... .sensed it. I didn't. Not a darn thing. Quite the opposite, really. He was very nonchalant about the kids. Even in his psych eval, the counselor said he 'didn't fit the profile' of a child molester and he was more likely to be an absent parent... .which he was. *sighs* I just didn't want my children to even live through some of the things I have and I vowed to protect them from that stuff and then I marry one.

What kind of counseling have you gotten for yourself?

H is doing OK. We went and visited his son and grandbaby so I think that helped a lot take his mind off of some stuff. When we went there, he all of a sudden started a conversation about how his laptop went 'tits up' and he told this whole thing about how it's broken and he's going to have to pull things from the hard drive, etc... .and I'm just sitting there trying to maintain my face. It would be nice if he would warn me when he's gonna BS someone in front of me like that

If he could warn you then he wouldn't have BPD traits.

What are you doing to get help to deal with a partner who has BPD traits?

[Grey Kitty]

When it comes to something like sexual abuse, I always would err on the side of believing the victim. Just the same, I would use my critical thinking. Since you mention no doubts I'll assume that D15's Is credible.

As for counseling, I'd not force her to go but would encourage her to try.

I'd also encourage you to consider some for yourself. For one thing, she will see your actions. For another thing you may get help on how to support her from that direction.

[ColdEthyl]

I got her to agree to try one session, which she did, but she still didn't wish to go back. I haven't been into counseling for myself, yet. I have gone in the past for marriage counseling with my first husband. I didn't find it too helpful. I kind of know why I think the way i do, but not too sure on how to change it. When I expressed that with my last counselor, all he really said was "Wow. You should be sitting in this seat instead of me!" and "You seem to have all of this figured out" which I really didn't.

I am checking into things in my area to see what's available.

[ColdEthyl]

When it comes to something like sexual abuse, I always would err on the side of believing the victim. Just the same, I would use my critical thinking. Since you mention no doubts I'll assume that D15's Is credible.

As for counseling, I'd not force her to go but would encourage her to try.

I'd also encourage you to consider some for yourself. For one thing, she will see your actions. For another thing you may get help on how to support her from that direction.

I have questions on it just because 1. He was already dead when she told me, and she justifyingly has anger towards him 2. She said it when she was just being punished, and that does make me pause. 3. She's always been the kind, from the time she was super young, to fabricate stories. When she was 3-4, I would have to tell her she can't tell people a story that didn't happen like it was real, that she had to tell people it was a story first. She's always had an active imagination and been a dreamer.

But really... .I have no solid reason to believe it's false. At this point, it doesn't matter. If she said it because she wanted to manipulate me, that needs to be addressed just as much as if she said it because it happened.

[Grey Kitty]

Ugh. Harder to figure out what to do when you don't know what to believe.

Since he's dead, you are at least spared of having to worry about future victims.

Even when she doesn't have great credibility, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

The other thing I'd do is a behavioral check. I am not a victim of sexual abuse, and nobody close to me has shared anything about that experience with me, if they are a victim. So I don't know what to look for. I am pretty sure that there are a bunch of typical behaviors/traits that victims of childhood sexual abuse will show. So do some research as to what these are, and look for them in your daughter, both now and around the time she says the abuse happened.

I'd do this more as a way to better understand and care for her, and less as a way to look for evidence that she's made something up.

FYI, if I got "Wow. You should be sitting in this seat instead of me!" from a therapist, I'd not have high hopes for good results... .my conclusion would be look for a better therapist! (And I say that despite having a friend or two say I probably would be good at it!)

[ColdEthyl]

Well that's always been the thing that throws me off. There's no real behavioral issues. She doesn't cuss, smoke, act out, back talk, skip school, etc etc etc. There really never has been with her. But, she's always had a touch of manipulation.

If I think about my behavior as a child, though... .I didn't act out either even with everything going on. I just always told myself it wasn't going to be forever, and eventually I would be an adult and have my own life. Of course, I do have a bit of an issue now of 'refusing to be a victim' and taking that idea too far at times (IE stubbornly refusing to budge on issues not that important, declaring my ideas as the best idea on a situation, etc)

But with her... .other than claims of depression and anxiety (anxiety she has... .depression... .not clinically. More like... it goes with her persona) she's well adjusted. I've seen some of here texts/messages with her friends (Her FB is monitored) and the way she talks to some of them is manipulating. (Nothing is wrong! I don't want to talk about it! *sobs* Friend: please talk about it please Her: I... .I can't... .Friend: Please? Please Her: Well... O... .OK... *spills beans*)

[Grey Kitty]

Well that's always been the thing that throws me off. There's no real behavioral issues. She doesn't cuss, smoke, act out, back talk, skip school, etc etc etc. There really never has been with her. But, she's always had a touch of manipulation.

That isn't quite what I meant. The manipulation is a bit disturbing, but not something I'd flag as related, 'tho as I said earlier I'm not a knowledgeable expert.

I think I'll have to google and look for a good resource, as this really is out of my league. Perhaps somebody else who has more experience with treating/supporting victims of sexual abuse can speak to what sort of signs/symptoms/patterns occur with it.

[unicorn2014]

I got her to agree to try one session, which she did, but she still didn't wish to go back. I haven't been into counseling for myself, yet. I have gone in the past for marriage counseling with my first husband. I didn't find it too helpful. I kind of know why I think the way i do, but not too sure on how to change it. When I expressed that with my last counselor, all he really said was "Wow. You should be sitting in this seat instead of me!" and "You seem to have all of this figured out" which I really didn't.

I am checking into things in my area to see what's available.

What about some kind of intervention for you and your daughter? I would be weary of counselors who tell you have this all figured out. If you didn't you wouldn't be there.

Marriage counseling is very different from individual therapy.

[unicorn2014]

Well that's always been the thing that throws me off. There's no real behavioral issues. She doesn't cuss, smoke, act out, back talk, skip school, etc etc etc. There really never has been with her. But, she's always had a touch of manipulation.

If I think about my behavior as a child, though... .I didn't act out either even with everything going on. I just always told myself it wasn't going to be forever, and eventually I would be an adult and have my own life. Of course, I do have a bit of an issue now of 'refusing to be a victim' and taking that idea too far at times (IE stubbornly refusing to budge on issues not that important, declaring my ideas as the best idea on a situation, etc)

But with her... .other than claims of depression and anxiety (anxiety she has... .depression... .not clinically. More like... it goes with her persona) she's well adjusted. I've seen some of here texts/messages with her friends (Her FB is monitored) and the way she talks to some of them is manipulating. (Nothing is wrong! I don't want to talk about it! *sobs* Friend: please talk about it please Her: I... .I can't... .Friend: Please? Please Her: Well... O... .OK... *spills beans*)

It sounds like you have concerns about your daughter's behavior despite the fact she isn't acting out. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said even if she is fabricating the story to manipulate you that's something to look at. What about getting some help around parenting? That might lead you in the right direction?