Coping with stress due to partner's BPD behavior?

[NotThatGuy]

Hey all--

So, my wife's behavior has been escalating, and with it my own stress level. A week ago, she told me she hated me in front of our kids (18 months and 4 years old).  This came at the end of a fight that she woke me up to start that morning, and after a couple of days of increasing conflict over a subject *she* had brought up, and refused to let drop. 

I'm on edge all the time, worrying about when the next fight will be and how bad it will be.  I have trouble working or doing anything else because I'm fretting so much about the relationship.  I delay going home because I'm afraid to be around her.  I try to avoid her, which unfortunately means less time with my kids.  (And I can't help but worry about her behavior towards the kids-- I've never seen her treat them nearly as badly as she does me, and she swears up and down that she never would.  But any resemblance between what she says and what she does is purely coincidental.)  She has been apologetic and quite calm for the last few days, but she just doesn't understand why it's "such a big deal," to me that she would say something like that.  I'm still committed to us staying together-- she's working hard on all of this, and there are the kids to consider-- but I don't know how to keep myself OK in the meantime.  At the very least I have to keep from getting fired, otherwise we all starve.

Anybody got any strategies that have let them put the drama out of their minds?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'd love an answer to this also. The stress of dealing with the anger issues of those around me has built up, and I feel I'm at a place where I've hit the wall. I get where you are coming from. We try to be the calm in the storm, but there is a price to that. I try to have positive thoughts, self care, do things I enjoy where I don't think of it, but then there it is again, when another person is mad at me. It's hard to feel relaxed when it's a daily thing.

I do enjoy my alone time, and that's the only time I'm truly at some level of peace, but even then, I have dread of going home and facing it. My husband is BPD/NPD, and my daughter has OCD, and takes her anger out on me, so at some point, almost every day, at some point, I get moodiness or anger directed at me from someone. I've had amazing amounts of patience, but I feel I'm about to blow a gasket.

Is your wife in therapy, or are you? Therapy has been a big help to me, but it really has not changed the daily grind of what I put up with. I'm going to address that today with my therapist. If I get any good advice, I'll come back and post it for you. I'm hoping some other posters give you good advice, because I've tried all, and I'm tapped out for now... .

[kairorose]

I also relate to the feelings of stress as I have gained 40lbs in my relationship with my pwBPD. although I am still on the fense, In the meantime I am trying to do alot of self care and reminding myself to love myself first and put my needs first (no more enabling him) and to remind myself that he is not normal or healthy but ill and emotionally underdeveloped. I feel sorry for us who find it in their heart to love these ppl.

[NotThatGuy]

Is your wife in therapy, or are you? Therapy has been a big help to me, but it really has not changed the daily grind of what I put up with. I'm going to address that today with my therapist. If I get any good advice, I'll come back and post it for you. I'm hoping some other posters give you good advice, because I've tried all, and I'm tapped out for now... .

We are indeed getting All The Therapy-- we're seeing therapists individually and together.  And, like I said, she is working hard on it, and has been less dysregulated in the past than she is now, so I have some hope that things will change.  But I find the lack of insight maddening (and frightening).  If she actually thinks this is an ok way for her to treat people, how can I ever trust that she's really changed?  And how can I trust that she won't do it to the kids, if she thinks it's OK to do to me? 

Anyway, that's the stuff I worry over.  I just need to learn to set it aside while I wait to see if progress is possible.

[leggomyeggshell]

There's no secret way to deal with the anxiety from the stress placed on us by these people.  You have to resort to traditional methods.  I find it helps to come on this board and read other people's stories.  Complaining about them to friends/family can help you feel better for the moment but it can cause a lot of problems that can make the situation worse.  There are other ones but the best is when the pwBPD is preoccupied with something else for a long period of time which gives you time to think about something other than the stress of the situation.

The shock value is the hardest part for me.  Just when I think things have calmed down my pwBPD will do something that to me feels so wrong that it shocks me that someone would fail to have the moral compass to know that that was unacceptable.  And you cannot even fight back because that would place you also in the unacceptable territory and you are better than that.  If you tell them later about it they will find some BS argument to justify it so it all ends up being a waste of time and energy.

It is a huge plus that she is willing to attend therapy.  Don't put too high of expectations for her to change much though.  it's hard to make pwBPD see how their actions affect others, even if you tell them, because they are usually so unbelievably self absorbed and often mad at you for some perceived wrong that your feelings or values just don't enter into their consciousness or are dismissed as irrelevant.  You'll rarely if ever get an apology.  Don't fight it, it is who they are.