I totally screwed up with 15 year old step daughter.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In general things have been going well for us. I have been a step mom for 9 years, and have a very good and close relationship with my two stepdaughters.  Miraculously, BPD mom has really begun to trust me, and has been leaning on me for support recently. 

BPD mom's mom died recently, and because she was severely abusive and there was a lot of enmeshment, mom has been acting pretty crazy.  DH and I have been providing a ton of support to mom, kids, etc.  My work has been over the top stressful at the same time.  The kids just returned from mom's, who is about to leave town for some time.  SD15 has been very close and trusting of me lately, using me as a sounding board with mom. 

All got home after I was in bed, and the girls climbed into bed and told me about their days.  I then asked them to go to bed; DH was outside doing a chore.  I asked about 10 times, patient... .the quiet before the storm.  I really needed some alone time.  But SD15 is very stubborn and bullying when she gets back from moms, especially in stressful times.  She loves me and is very sweet, but gets frantic and mean when I set boundaries... .in a few days, she gets better. 

Tonight, when I got serious about my boundaries, letting her know I really needed some down time in my own bed, she starting being sort of classic hysterical... .I was calm, but not aware of how freaked out she was becoming, I think due to all the stress at mom's. She got more and more frantic and dramatic, and I kept asking her to look at me, wanting to tell her without yelling what I wanted.  She got more and more frantic, and I was close to her, and she was saying "get out of my face!" and I  was saying, "Hey, I am not trying to be in your face, but you can ask me in a polite way if I am standing too close", and she starting swinging her arms, not to hit me, but frantically acting like she was having claustrophobia because I was so close.  She often goes into total drama on the day she returns to mom, like mom does, but also like she can NEVER do with mom.  Pretty soon, she was next to a glass window, freaking out physically and emotionally (she is very tall and very physical) and I got freaked out and put my arms around her, holding my arms as I was trained for restraining dangerous kids when I have worked with super challenging populations.  This really freaked her out, and she starting shoving me and knocked me over, at which point I was actually afraid that if I let go she would really hurt me. 

The whole time I was speaking pretty calmly, saying, I am totally willing to let you go if you stop waving your arms and panicking.  I know this sounds totally not okay.  The odd thing is that it looked really bad, but I was speaking calmly and not agressing toward her at all, and she was not trying to harm me, just panicking due to being somewhat claustrophobic.

I let her go immediately when she calmed down. 

Let me say that I know that this was not the right way of handling this.  She was waving her arms, in a panic throwing a physical tantrum, near a large glass window, nad I was terribly exhausted, and just acted in a protective way that would have probably been very breif if she was a small child.  But she is not.  So she lost it.  I think the thing I regret the most is that I treated her with disrespect, as a child, when she is not a child.  I am someone she has really trusted, and I did not trust her back.  She was being terribly difficult, but that was really okay with me. 

I think I am just terribly depleted.  I spoke with her mom 4 times today, trying to help problem-solve.  I was in bed, fallng asleep when they all got home, after one of my hardest work days.  And then the kids were just wired with all mom's intense energy,and woke me up, and I just made a bad call. 

I did look up the definition of child abuse, and it seems that I am not in that realm.  I did not hit or attempt to harm her, and I do not think she was hurt in any significant way, other than just from flailing around.  I was not actually angry during the holding, I was just full of adrenaline and afraid she would break glass or accidentially hurt me or her. There was no physical injury or harm.    I also was not emotionally abusing her, but saying things like, "I really need you to calm down and stop hitting."  But I really hurt her feelings and sense of dignity and trust by treating her that way. 

The hard part is that when I do something I feel bad about, I feel terrible.  When she feels bad, she feels like others (me, in this case) are evil.  She does that black/white thing.  So I apologized even when I was holding her; "I know this does not feel good right now, but I do not feel safe right now letting you go." 

It is not that she was trying to harm me or herself, just that she gets very dramatic and is very tall and pushes away from me, clawing the air, acting frantic, and near glass I got freaked out.  She also totally projects blame. 

This is not a pattern, or anything I have any sense I would ever do again.  Just once I wrapped my arms around her, she immediately sort of panicked, said "I am having a panic attack!" and flailed and knocked me over in her panic--she is about 5 inches taller than me and is very big and strong--so I just did not feel I could let her go. 

Anyway, I guess I am looking for some kind of empathy.  My husband was there, asking us to stop, but he said later to me and to her that he probably would have done the same thing, as she was really panicking.  I asked him privately to go and just support her, not to say anything taking "my side," but to hear how it was for her, and to support her, not me.  So I do not want to ask for his support--I really blew it in a fairly volatile situation in which I have been the non-volatile one.  I am at fault here.  I am usually very good at dealing with teen drama, I was just too tired to do it right. 

So I guess what I would tell myself is, holding a kid who seems at risk of hurting themselves is not child abuse (their mom has falsely accused us of abuse several times, when we have not been at all abusive but when mom has been abusive, so the word is often used by the kids, and SD15 immediately said "that is child abuse!"  I know that did not feel good, and I will almost certainly never do that again.  It is not something I have done in the past, but I have kept her from leaving a room when she was a younger teen and ragingly upset.  I will not do that any more.  she is too old, so it seems more like a physical altercation.  I do not believe in being phyisical with kids to get them to do what I want; I was not willing to even lift them up when they were little and upset.  I am not a physical person in anger or conflict.  But my SD11 did say, when we talked about it afterword, that sometimes when they are angry, I want to touch or hug them, na that this is not the best way of dealing with someone when upset. 

I guess what I would say if i were you, or what I would want to hear, is this: I know that treating a kid that way is not what you would want to do.  Feeling like you did something not ok with you or her is not the same as abuse.  And, while you did something that felt bad, that does not make you a bad parent, or a bad person. There is no new information that would make it less likely for this to happen again;  your shame is enough, and just your desire not to hurt the hearts of your stepkids is enough to make you not want to do anything physical like this ever. 

What I think I need to do is to figure out how not to get so terribly depleted.  Part of it is I do not have a door to my room, and I cannot just say "no" when I am too tired to interract.  I do not think I have big emotional, anger, or psychological issues.  This is not a pattern of abuse.  But I do have a pattern of getting so depleted that every few months I do something I regret.  I want to note that the most stressful thing for me is the constant stress to the kids from mom, and the blame that mom does of us, and the way the kids blame us too, for no reason.  Usually it is just based on nothing... .that stuff just wears me down.  But while there has been lots of drama lately, there has been much less blame, until SD15 lashed out at me before I held her. 

There is nothing I could point to in myself or the situation that is the cause or fault for this happening, other than just a lot of stress and pressure, and a mouthy, super stressed teen lashing out at a super tired ands stressed step-parent she really trusts.  I think the worst feeling is that this came out of the blue, and so I do not know how to show her or me that I would never want to do it again.  Couple that with her natural extreme blame in conflict and my tendency to feel shame when I blow it, and it is a bad dynamic. 

We have made it through some very hard stuff.  The hardest stuff has been words said in conflict; and the worst are not me doing it wrong, but us talking about super hard stuff related to mom. 

I think another hard thing is that I just do not say mean things when I am angry, and the kids really do.  Their mom does.  So they say stuff that I just would NEVER have said to my parents, because I never saw that modeled.  Profoundly disrespecful, mean things.  Shaming things.  So I am really vulnerable to that.  I think that is what made me refuse to leave her, and why she became so frantic that I held her. 

All kinds of thoughts have gone through my head.  Should I call CPS preemptivley? this seems absurd--and reading the definition of abuse I realized this is not it.  I have never been abused, and have so little experience, I think I thought this might be considered abuse... .just because I did restrain her, which does not seem okay.  But not okay and abuse are really different things. 

I aksed her if her body was hurt in any way, and all she said is, "If I am having a panic attack, and you are not leaving me alone, that is hurting my body!  You holding me so I cannot breath is hurting my body!"

Phew.  I have to say that I love the kids and am in it for the long haul... .but that said, I am so flipping tired of being a step-parent in this family.  It is constant drama with mom, and I just get really worn down.  And ultimtately, when I am wornd down, I do things that do not feel right.  I have not hit or hurt anyone, or said mean things, but I just can't do it without being raw, irritable, and too reactive in this instance.  I am just reallly, really tired.  These last six months have been one drama after another: SD15 having her first experience with all kinds of teen things, mom freaking out, SD15 confiding in us, then raging and rejecting when her mom has a freak out.  A friend of SD15's was raped, and we dealt with supporting SD15 in supporting frined, us supporting friend;s family, dealing with BPD mom calling and screaming at them and harrassing them, calling the girl a whore.  Really stressful stuff.  BPD mom losing her mom, calling us sobbing ,so we thought she was one of the girls, saying her mom died.  Mom induring herself so she had to be in a wheelchair 3 months and could not drive, us picking up driving kids, giving her money.  Her needing our help, then raging at us in between loving us.  Just months and months of crazy. 

I am so glad we have been able to help... .but it is profoundly depleting, and I eventually blow it. 

I am asking this group for some support.  I know I did wrong.  I do not think I was abusive, but I think I made a bad call and really hurt my relationship with SD15 in a critical time in her life.  I wish it was different, but this is where things are right now. 

[ennie]

In general things have been going well for us. I have been a step mom for 9 years, and have a very good and close relationship with my two stepdaughters.  Miraculously, BPD mom has really begun to trust me, and has been leaning on me for support recently. 

BPD mom's mom died recently, and because she was severely abusive and there was a lot of enmeshment, mom has been acting pretty crazy.  DH and I have been providing a ton of support to mom, kids, etc.  My work has been over the top stressful at the same time.  The kids just returned from mom's, who is about to leave town for some time.  SD15 has been very close and trusting of me lately, using me as a sounding board with mom. 

All got home after I was in bed, and the girls climbed into bed and told me about their days.  I then asked them to go to bed; DH was outside doing a chore.  I asked about 10 times, patient... .the quiet before the storm.  I really needed some alone time.  But SD15 is very stubborn and bullying when she gets back from moms, especially in stressful times.  She loves me and is very sweet, but gets frantic and mean when I set boundaries... .in a few days, she gets better. 

Tonight, when I got serious about my boundaries, letting her know I really needed some down time in my own bed, she starting being sort of classic hysterical... .I was calm, but not aware of how freaked out she was becoming, I think due to all the stress at mom's. She got more and more frantic and dramatic, and I kept asking her to look at me, wanting to tell her without yelling what I wanted.  She got more and more frantic, and I was close to her, and she was saying "get out of my face!" and I  was saying, "Hey, I am not trying to be in your face, but you can ask me in a polite way if I am standing too close", and she starting swinging her arms, not to hit me, but frantically acting like she was having claustrophobia because I was so close.  She often goes into total drama on the day she returns to mom, like mom does, but also like she can NEVER do with mom.  Pretty soon, she was next to a glass window, freaking out physically and emotionally (she is very tall and very physical) and I got freaked out and put my arms around her, holding my arms as I was trained for restraining dangerous kids when I have worked with super challenging populations.  This really freaked her out, and she starting shoving me and knocked me over, at which point I was actually afraid that if I let go she would really hurt me. 

The whole time I was speaking pretty calmly, saying, I am totally willing to let you go if you stop waving your arms and panicking.  I know this sounds totally not okay.  The odd thing is that it looked really bad, but I was speaking calmly and not agressing toward her at all, and she was not trying to harm me, just panicking due to being somewhat claustrophobic.

I let her go immediately when she calmed down. 

Let me say that I know that this was not the right way of handling this.  She was waving her arms, in a panic throwing a physical tantrum, near a large glass window, nad I was terribly exhausted, and just acted in a protective way that would have probably been very breif if she was a small child.  But she is not.  So she lost it.  I think the thing I regret the most is that I treated her with disrespect, as a child, when she is not a child.  I am someone she has really trusted, and I did not trust her back.  She was being terribly difficult, but that was really okay with me. 

I think I am just terribly depleted.  I spoke with her mom 4 times today, trying to help problem-solve.  I was in bed, fallng asleep when they all got home, after one of my hardest work days.  And then the kids were just wired with all mom's intense energy,and woke me up, and I just made a bad call. 

I did look up the definition of child abuse, and it seems that I am not in that realm.  I did not hit or attempt to harm her, and I do not think she was hurt in any significant way, other than just from flailing around.  I was not actually angry during the holding, I was just full of adrenaline and afraid she would break glass or accidentially hurt me or her. There was no physical injury or harm.    I also was not emotionally abusing her, but saying things like, "I really need you to calm down and stop hitting."  But I really hurt her feelings and sense of dignity and trust by treating her that way. 

The hard part is that when I do something I feel bad about, I feel terrible.  When she feels bad, she feels like others (me, in this case) are evil.  She does that black/white thing.  So I apologized even when I was holding her; "I know this does not feel good right now, but I do not feel safe right now letting you go." 

It is not that she was trying to harm me or herself, just that she gets very dramatic and is very tall and pushes away from me, clawing the air, acting frantic, and near glass I got freaked out.  She also totally projects blame. 

This is not a pattern, or anything I have any sense I would ever do again.  Just once I wrapped my arms around her, she immediately sort of panicked, said "I am having a panic attack!" and flailed and knocked me over in her panic--she is about 5 inches taller than me and is very big and strong--so I just did not feel I could let her go. 

Anyway, I guess I am looking for some kind of empathy.  My husband was there, asking us to stop, but he said later to me and to her that he probably would have done the same thing, as she was really panicking.  I asked him privately to go and just support her, not to say anything taking "my side," but to hear how it was for her, and to support her, not me.  So I do not want to ask for his support--I really blew it in a fairly volatile situation in which I have been the non-volatile one.  I am at fault here.  I am usually very good at dealing with teen drama, I was just too tired to do it right. 

So I guess what I would tell myself is, holding a kid who seems at risk of hurting themselves is not child abuse (their mom has falsely accused us of abuse several times, when we have not been at all abusive but when mom has been abusive, so the word is often used by the kids, and SD15 immediately said "that is child abuse!"  I know that did not feel good, and I will almost certainly never do that again.  It is not something I have done in the past, but I have kept her from leaving a room when she was a younger teen and ragingly upset.  I will not do that any more.  she is too old, so it seems more like a physical altercation.  I do not believe in being phyisical with kids to get them to do what I want; I was not willing to even lift them up when they were little and upset.  I am not a physical person in anger or conflict.  But my SD11 did say, when we talked about it afterword, that sometimes when they are angry, I want to touch or hug them, na that this is not the best way of dealing with someone when upset. 

I guess what I would say if i were you, or what I would want to hear, is this: I know that treating a kid that way is not what you would want to do.  Feeling like you did something not ok with you or her is not the same as abuse.  And, while you did something that felt bad, that does not make you a bad parent, or a bad person. There is no new information that would make it less likely for this to happen again;  your shame is enough, and just your desire not to hurt the hearts of your stepkids is enough to make you not want to do anything physical like this ever. 

What I think I need to do is to figure out how not to get so terribly depleted.  Part of it is I do not have a door to my room, and I cannot just say "no" when I am too tired to interract.  I do not think I have big emotional, anger, or psychological issues.  This is not a pattern of abuse.  But I do have a pattern of getting so depleted that every few months I do something I regret.  I want to note that the most stressful thing for me is the constant stress to the kids from mom, and the blame that mom does of us, and the way the kids blame us too, for no reason.  Usually it is just based on nothing... .that stuff just wears me down.  But while there has been lots of drama lately, there has been much less blame, until SD15 lashed out at me before I held her. 

There is nothing I could point to in myself or the situation that is the cause or fault for this happening, other than just a lot of stress and pressure, and a mouthy, super stressed teen lashing out at a super tired ands stressed step-parent she really trusts.  I think the worst feeling is that this came out of the blue, and so I do not know how to show her or me that I would never want to do it again.  Couple that with her natural extreme blame in conflict and my tendency to feel shame when I blow it, and it is a bad dynamic. 

We have made it through some very hard stuff.  The hardest stuff has been words said in conflict; and the worst are not me doing it wrong, but us talking about super hard stuff related to mom. 

I think another hard thing is that I just do not say mean things when I am angry, and the kids really do.  Their mom does.  So they say stuff that I just would NEVER have said to my parents, because I never saw that modeled.  Profoundly disrespecful, mean things.  Shaming things.  So I am really vulnerable to that.  I think that is what made me refuse to leave her, and why she became so frantic that I held her. 

All kinds of thoughts have gone through my head.  Should I call CPS preemptivley? this seems absurd--and reading the definition of abuse I realized this is not it.  I have never been abused, and have so little experience, I think I thought this might be considered abuse... .just because I did restrain her, which does not seem okay.  But not okay and abuse are really different things. 

I aksed her if her body was hurt in any way, and all she said is, "If I am having a panic attack, and you are not leaving me alone, that is hurting my body!  You holding me so I cannot breath is hurting my body!"

Phew.  I have to say that I love the kids and am in it for the long haul... .but that said, I am so flipping tired of being a step-parent in this family.  It is constant drama with mom, and I just get really worn down.  And ultimtately, when I am wornd down, I do things that do not feel right.  I have not hit or hurt anyone, or said mean things, but I just can't do it without being raw, irritable, and too reactive in this instance.  I am just reallly, really tired.  These last six months have been one drama after another: SD15 having her first experience with all kinds of teen things, mom freaking out, SD15 confiding in us, then raging and rejecting when her mom has a freak out.  A friend of SD15's was raped, and we dealt with supporting SD15 in supporting frined, us supporting friend;s family, dealing with BPD mom calling and screaming at them and harrassing them, calling the girl a whore.  Really stressful stuff.  BPD mom losing her mom, calling us sobbing ,so we thought she was one of the girls, saying her mom died.  Mom induring herself so she had to be in a wheelchair 3 months and could not drive, us picking up driving kids, giving her money.  Her needing our help, then raging at us in between loving us.  Just months and months of crazy. 

I am so glad we have been able to help... .but it is profoundly depleting, and I eventually blow it. 

I am asking this group for some support.  I know I did wrong.  I do not think I was abusive, but I think I made a bad call and really hurt my relationship with SD15 in a critical time in her life.  I wish it was different, but this is where things are right now. 

[wundress]

Gosh this sounds so stressful for you. It sounds like you need some rest and relaxation for yourself.

It also sounds like your step daughters love you very much back. I don't think you are being abusive. You are being human. The girls wouldn't get in bed with you and come to you with their problems if you weren't being a great parent.

It must be difficult with older children. I've been in the step-parent role and hated it because I felt I had no control over what happened in our home in terms of parenting. It was never up for discussion either so at least you are in a stronger position in that you can talk to your partner about it. Keep talking!

My own daughter goes to her father's and step-mother's house alternate weekends. At first it was difficult because she had different rules there to at home. When she turned 5 things were difficult every time she came home so we had a sit down conversation about different rules for different homes. That seemed to work well. Could that be adapted for your situation?

Also, it sounds like SD15 is having trouble regulating her emotions. Is it possible she has BPD (over and above usual teenage angst!). Maybe family therapy would help? Could you ask the mother to take part?

[Nope]

You said you feel badly for treating her like a child. Yet she had a panic attack (a lack of coping skills) when you stated a boundary that she didn't like. Then, with your help, she was able to turn it around and make it about what you did to her. I think you are being awfully hard on yourself given that your space was at that point being invaded when you were too emotionally exhausted to be at your best. You are human and as such your resources are limited. I also think that at 15 she us still a child. Otherwise you'd have the right to expect better behavior from her. She is not her mom and from everything you've said she does not suffer from BPD. Just a lack of coping and self soothing skills that would be pretty normal for a kid in her situation at her age. You can wait until she is an adult before you worry about whether or not you've treated her like an adult.

I have a good friend who works as an administrator at a high school for "at risk" youth. She has to do what you did to kids that same age all of the time when they use their bodies instead of their words because they are out of control. You did the best you could at the time in the very tough situation SD15 put you in. In your own bedroom. Your safe space.

[ennie]

Gosh this sounds so stressful for you. It sounds like you need some rest and relaxation for yourself.

It also sounds like your step daughters love you very much back. I don't think you are being abusive. You are being human. The girls wouldn't get in bed with you and come to you with their problems if you weren't being a great parent.

It must be difficult with older children. I've been in the step-parent role and hated it because I felt I had no control over what happened in our home in terms of parenting. It was never up for discussion either so at least you are in a stronger position in that you can talk to your partner about it. Keep talking!

My own daughter goes to her father's and step-mother's house alternate weekends. At first it was difficult because she had different rules there to at home. When she turned 5 things were difficult every time she came home so we had a sit down conversation about different rules for different homes. That seemed to work well. Could that be adapted for your situation?

Also, it sounds like SD15 is having trouble regulating her emotions. Is it possible she has BPD (over and above usual teenage angst!). Maybe family therapy would help? Could you ask the mother to take part?

Thanks for your compassion.  Yes, it is very stressful/  This morning, I woke SD15 up with tea and talked to her a little about what happened.  It is pretty clear that it was much worse for me than it was for her.  She joked with me and was loving. 

I do not think that SD15 has BPD.  She is actually really good at regulating emotion in general; we have worked on it a lot.  What happens is that when mom is going off the deep end, which is happening now and has been for some months, SD15 is basically her parent when she is at mom's.  It is terribly stressful, and the "normal" range of emotion is just way huger and more fluctuating and volatile.  She also CAN NOT express displeasure to mom, as mom will flip out and threaten suicide if SD15 acts like and angry teen with her.  So on transition to our house SD15 is very stressed, fearful about leaving her mom, and how she deals with stress is being very stubborn and not empathetic (normally, she is VERY empathetic).  She has "fleas", and what it is okay to say to people is way more harsh and mean than what is okay here.  Add to that a very high household stress level as we are helping her mom deal with stress, PMS for both SD15 and I, and it just overflowed. 

I think the difficulty she has, that she is working on, is that when she is really tired, she is very rigid, blaming, and not nice when pushed.  Normally, I address that by having really firm boundaries but not getting angry.  Last night, I just pushed her buttons.

One of the confusing things about dealing with someone with BPD is when BPDmom's stress is really high, and we are all hearing her yelling, blaming, falling apart, needing help, WE all get pushed to a stress level where we are having similar symptoms.  I think a lot of BPD behaviors are normal behaviors in very high stress... .but they appear in situations where someone else would not be stressed.  So SD15 is acting more erratically, so am I, etc.

As for therapists, I have been trying hard to get SD15 a counselor for the past 3 years.  Mom badmouthed the last T in front of the kids, so SD15 refused to continue to see the T.  I have been trying to get mom and dad to get a T for her for some time.  I just recently decided to take this on myself, and have been calling T's, as I think SD15 is in a transitional place, where she is trying to separate from her mom, but then gets very scared and gives up. 

All that said, I do not think family therapy with mom would be helpful.  I think SD15 is taking out a lot of anger at mom on me, which mostly I can receive with boundaries and love and not a lot of stress on my part.  SD15 is also very expressive of gratitude for the role I play in her life, in a very mature way.  The biggest regret I have about this incident is that I have been the person who really would never scare her, and while I was not hurting her, it feels scary to have someone hold you and not let go, and it ruptures her trust in me.  So it is very important to me to give her a place to voice how that felt, perhaps with a third-party counselor and dad present.  Because I think what she does not get when mom pulls that kind of thing is someone owning their role, apologizing.  At the same time, I do not want to play into her way of using power in a way that is like mom... .while I do not think SD15 has BPD, she has learned the worst of mom's manipulation, which is acting like the world is doing something terrible to her, when it is not.  That is how her hysteria started; I was saying "I need to have some alone time in my room, so you need to go to your room," and she was panicking, saying I was forcing her to go to a freezing place, that I was a terrible person, etc., because her room thermostat was warming up her room from 55 degrees to room temp... .so I want to totally admit and own and apologize for my part, but not play into the idea that I am abusive, when this is the first time I have ever restrained her that way (before I have blocked a door, once I grabbed her sleeve when she was 8) and when she was not hurt at all.  Because mom throws the "abuse" word around A LOT, in totally inappropriate situations, this is a hot button. 

At any rate, I feel like family therapy with mom would be a disaster.  she has no real self-awareness, and is terribly threatened by any hint that something she is doing is painful for anyone; meanwhile, I have a tendency to full disclosure about all I do that I fear is imperfect parenting, and she runs with it and uses blame and accusation to alienate the kids.  When therapists intervene, she makes personal attacks on the T, even going so far as to call people (CPS, others) to report the T.  Talking about hard stuff is not a viable option for BPD mom.  How I have become close with her recently is by really supporting and validating her.  She has never, ever done that for me or for the girls.

But I will pursue getting a counselor for SD15. 

After her good connection with me this morning, I feel pretty good about our relationship and trust weathering the storm, albeit with some dents.  I just want to make sure she knows that she has every right to be angry, hurt, and to not feel good about me choosing to hold her physically; and that I will not do that anymore. 

[bravhart1]

E-

Sorry this has been a hard couple of weeks. But as we both know, it really boils down to some hard years and they pile up. You know I totally understand the exhaustion, resentment ( yes there I said it, its true I flipping resent the amount of time, stress, money and wear and tear on me physically) that having a BPDm to our step kids creates in our lives.

It does not sound bad to me what happened, but I know somehow it crossed your boundaries which is why it feels so bad for you. Please forgive yourself.

This whole gig of Step Parent to kids with BPDm's is really super hard. I love my SD, it's got nothing to do with that. She isn't her mom, she isn't the reason it's so hard. It's her mom that causes and creates the drama and stress, not just for me but for my whole family. I will stand behind the idea 100% that I feel that that's the REAL abuse here.

You've shown your SD's mom more compassion and understanding than I think I could muster, but she would never even speak to me so I guess it doesn't matter. But I think that makes you like mother Theresa or something. I'm serious. I want to believe that given the chance I could find some kindness in me for my SD's mom if she allowed it, but I truly don't know. I really have a aversion to the damage she does and it makes me very self protective. You've been so open and generous with yours. You and DREAMGIRL are pretty amazing to me. I struggle with even wrapping my head around what it would be like to take care of the monster in my life.

I've had my share of moments last year when I thought for my own health, and mental wellness that I might need to leave my home and my husband. It's unfair plain and simple and too much to ask. But DH doesnt ask, I offer. I offer to be here to support and love and take care of SD to the best of my ability. That's really all I can do, it's all that anyone should expect. And it's all you can do too. You expect perfection, and you are darn close. That's more than good enough, that's above and beyond.

There is no abuse. There is no ill will. I fear you are harder on yourself than anyone else  ever could be.

I have dedicated myself this year to making this a year of self care and priorities. Ironically I got a jump start by my body enforcing that through a series of accute medical issues that I am forced to deal with now.

You know you can PM me anytime. I'm here for you. I'm off work and resting.  so feel free to contact me anytime.

[Thunderstruck]

  I think you did ok.

It's hard to react rationally when the other person is acting irrationally.

DH and I just had a similar incident with SD10. We were both tired and frustrated. SD10 was tired and frustrated. We acted in the moment maybe not the best way, but it was our call at the time. Then uBPDbm sent a message claiming we were abusive.

The truth is, no one call really judge unless they were in your shoes. You made the call and I think it sounds like it was an ok one. I probably would have grabbed SDs wrists, which would have been even worse.

But I've found with SD10 that she gets all caught up and dramatic in the moment, then it blows over.

[ennie]

Just want to give the brief update that SD15 is totally good with me.  We had 3 weeks without the kids seeing their mom, which was good.  SD15 has been incredibly loving with me, and trusting me to talk about really challenging stuff with her mom in a way she has never done before.  Talking about her shame, what is hard for her with her mom, how she wants to do some things that might make her mom mad, and what should she do? 

We are moving to a new place, after 7 years here, and the other day I cried about this, and shared my sadness with the girls--both about leaving the place I built, and also about this being the thing I contribute to the family.  SD15 wrapped her arms around me, and said, "What you contribute is so much more than a house.  You contribute your love, understanding, and who you are to us.  We love you for you.  You are more important to me than any house, any thing, even than my ARM.  I love you, and that will not change just because we are not living in the house you made."  Phew.  What a kid!

So, my conclusion about this episode:

--I won't do that again!

--That said, I did not try to justify myself, but also made clear there is a difference between abuse and a non-harmful mistake.

--I think there is some way that my setting a boundary, not backing down, but not trying to make myself out to be right at her expense, and the fact that I cared about her feelings without being bullied by them, actually increased her trust in me.  Either that, or the two are unrelated.  Or it is stockholm syndrome (just kidding).

At any rate, all is well with the kids... .which means mom needs to create new drama, which is indeed what is happening... .se my other post... .