New stepmom w/ children of BPD mom

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all.  I'm new to this game and have lots of questions. And sorry I don't know all the fancy abbreviations yet so hope this isn't to lengthy.  I'm 37 newlywed SM with no children of my own--hubby and I have been married since July 2015.  He is my everything, my best friend, my rock, but I will spare you the mushy details.   His boys are 9 and 13 and are great kids.  They are happy, funny, involved at school, and for the most part doing well.  Per the parenting agreement, the boys live with us during the school year and see their mother every weekend that she doesn't work--they are with us 1 of 3 weekends.  They stay with her during the summer except 2 weeks (to go on vacation with us) and a few weekends here and there.  I travel for my job so i am not home with them during the week, which I think has slowed down the getting-used-to-each-other progress but for the most part it is going well.  There are a few outbursts from the boys here and there but I think that's just due to them being kids.  Not having kids of my own, I'm not always sure if their tantrums are normal kid behavior or as a result of BPD mom.  But we'll get to that later.

The ex's usual route of communicating to my hubby about the kids is through his mother but she may respond to his texts/phone calls on good days.  Hubbys MIL is a school nurse w/ a Masters in counseling so she is very knowledgable.  I like MIL and get along with her but I think she uses her background and experience as a reason to be overinvolved in this situation.  She is the matriarch who feeds off of being needed, and i'm sure that plays into it too.  MIL and ex routinely talk on the phone and she lets her stay at their house when she comes in to town for the boys' activities (ex lives about 2 hours away from here).  Am I crazy, or is that just weird? I really don't care that they are besties nor am I jealous, but doesn't it send mixed messages to the boys that it's allowable for their mom to treat their dad and me so terrible?  The boys are very close to MIL and FIL as they are integral in helping hubby with them.

My first experience with ex was not good.  When hubby and i started getting serious, I reached out to her in both voicemail and text asking if she wanted to get to know me a little better since I was spending more time with them.  She didn't respond for weeks, and when she DID it was a long voicemail about me putting a picture of her kids on Facebook (hubby asked me to) and how she is going to slap a restraining order on me, blah blah.  Fast forward through the back and forth... .I haven't been nice to her when she attacks me.  I had no background in BPD at that time and I would come back at her with guns blazing, calling her an idiot and a liar since we all knew the things she was saying were not true.  I'm ashamed to admit that.  But I didn't understand her reality is very different and she doesn't see what she did as leaving her kids.  To this day, she sees me as a threat when she is the one who moved out.

Her hatred toward me now and her relationship with the MIL honestly doesn't bother me at all.  It kind of irritated me at first, but i have a busy stressful job and am more focused on making my marriage work while only being home 2 days/week.  The past few weeks, the boys have been saying how much they hate living here and want to move with their mom and go to school in her town.  It doesn't make any sense because until now, there haven't been any large issues/blowouts.  They are both involved in activities they like at school and have a lot of friends.  They do well in their classes and get good grades.  This is all coming from the ex, I'm sure.  She bought the oldest his own iPhone and told him not to give the passcode to us.  Lately he will text everything we do discipline-wise to her.  She will call hubby then and scream at him.  When hubby talks to the boys one on one, they say that it's me they don't like.  I'm making it unbearable for them to live with us.  When I'm gone during the week and only home with them 1 of three weekends?

So my main question is how do I handle this?  I got home from work last night and they were both fine.  All four of us had a great time and were laughing, we even played a few games of Uno.  Hubby takes care of most of the serious talks and discipline so do I just keep quiet about this change in them? Do I try to have a conversation with them to understand why they are saying these things?  I will never say anything bad about their mother to them, but at what point to kids need to know some truth to what is going on?  They are confused, frustrated, and feel a lack of control.  I can tell they are confused and afraid to like me because they don't want to betray their mom.  I just don't know what to do at this point so I haven't said much.  I know we will never change their mom but how do I help minimize the damage and ease their fears?  Thank you for reading. 

[newstempom]

Hello all.  I'm new to this game and have lots of questions. And sorry I don't know all the fancy abbreviations yet so hope this isn't to lengthy.  I'm 37 newlywed SM with no children of my own--hubby and I have been married since July 2015.  He is my everything, my best friend, my rock, but I will spare you the mushy details.   His boys are 9 and 13 and are great kids.  They are happy, funny, involved at school, and for the most part doing well.  Per the parenting agreement, the boys live with us during the school year and see their mother every weekend that she doesn't work--they are with us 1 of 3 weekends.  They stay with her during the summer except 2 weeks (to go on vacation with us) and a few weekends here and there.  I travel for my job so i am not home with them during the week, which I think has slowed down the getting-used-to-each-other progress but for the most part it is going well.  There are a few outbursts from the boys here and there but I think that's just due to them being kids.  Not having kids of my own, I'm not always sure if their tantrums are normal kid behavior or as a result of BPD mom.  But we'll get to that later.

The ex's usual route of communicating to my hubby about the kids is through his mother but she may respond to his texts/phone calls on good days.  Hubbys MIL is a school nurse w/ a Masters in counseling so she is very knowledgable.  I like MIL and get along with her but I think she uses her background and experience as a reason to be overinvolved in this situation.  She is the matriarch who feeds off of being needed, and i'm sure that plays into it too.  MIL and ex routinely talk on the phone and she lets her stay at their house when she comes in to town for the boys' activities (ex lives about 2 hours away from here).  Am I crazy, or is that just weird? I really don't care that they are besties nor am I jealous, but doesn't it send mixed messages to the boys that it's allowable for their mom to treat their dad and me so terrible?  The boys are very close to MIL and FIL as they are integral in helping hubby with them.

My first experience with ex was not good.  When hubby and i started getting serious, I reached out to her in both voicemail and text asking if she wanted to get to know me a little better since I was spending more time with them.  She didn't respond for weeks, and when she DID it was a long voicemail about me putting a picture of her kids on Facebook (hubby asked me to) and how she is going to slap a restraining order on me, blah blah.  Fast forward through the back and forth... .I haven't been nice to her when she attacks me.  I had no background in BPD at that time and I would come back at her with guns blazing, calling her an idiot and a liar since we all knew the things she was saying were not true.  I'm ashamed to admit that.  But I didn't understand her reality is very different and she doesn't see what she did as leaving her kids.  To this day, she sees me as a threat when she is the one who moved out.

Her hatred toward me now and her relationship with the MIL honestly doesn't bother me at all.  It kind of irritated me at first, but i have a busy stressful job and am more focused on making my marriage work while only being home 2 days/week.  The past few weeks, the boys have been saying how much they hate living here and want to move with their mom and go to school in her town.  It doesn't make any sense because until now, there haven't been any large issues/blowouts.  They are both involved in activities they like at school and have a lot of friends.  They do well in their classes and get good grades.  This is all coming from the ex, I'm sure.  She bought the oldest his own iPhone and told him not to give the passcode to us.  Lately he will text everything we do discipline-wise to her.  She will call hubby then and scream at him.  When hubby talks to the boys one on one, they say that it's me they don't like.  I'm making it unbearable for them to live with us.  When I'm gone during the week and only home with them 1 of three weekends?

So my main question is how do I handle this?  I got home from work last night and they were both fine.  All four of us had a great time and were laughing, we even played a few games of Uno.  Hubby takes care of most of the serious talks and discipline so do I just keep quiet about this change in them? Do I try to have a conversation with them to understand why they are saying these things?  I will never say anything bad about their mother to them, but at what point to kids need to know some truth to what is going on?  They are confused, frustrated, and feel a lack of control.  I can tell they are confused and afraid to like me because they don't want to betray their mom.  I just don't know what to do at this point so I haven't said much.  I know we will never change their mom but how do I help minimize the damage and ease their fears?  Thank you for reading. 

[Thunderstruck]

Hi newstepmom! 

I can relate a bit to your story! My SD's uBPDbm (undiagnosed BPD bio-mom) tried very many nasty things when I first started dating DH. She claimed everything to try to break us up. I reacted with complete silence, never responded. At first I had a crazy dream that we could get along (I get along with everyone!) and at least have a civil relationship. It was very apparent that she was disordered (I remembered complaining about her "crazy" behavior to a friend of mine, a social worker, who said "She sound like one of my raging borderline patients". I looked up BPD, and here I am!). We've gotten the threats about having SDs pictures on my facebook, false claims of abuse, false restraining orders, police have come to our house on numerous occasions. It's been insanity.

What really stands out to me is not the relationship between MIL and BPDx, it's the communication barrier. Technically, the only one who should at all be communicating about the kids is DH and BPDx. MIL really shouldn't be involved. But maybe she seems to be a buffer... .like she stops BPDx from raging because she's on good behavior to try to impress MIL?

Some of my DH's family are very friendly with uBPDbm, and that frustrates me. I agree with you, it makes me think "This woman is abusing your own blood and you just allow that to happen? Why aren't you angry with her?". BPDs are manipulators. You can't really stop that from happening. And if you try to point out all her flaws, it'll make YOU seem like the crazy evil one.

DH and I tried the phone experiment with SD10 (I think she was 8 at the time). We read her texts and found that she would complain about us to uBPDbm every time we said "no" to something she wanted. Us: "No, you can't have candy for breakfast". SD:"They are soo mean to me". BPDmom:"Awwwww I'm sorry sweeetieeee you'll be home with me soon". Needless to say, the phone experiment did not last long. SD was miserable, we were miserable, and it wasn't fun for anyone. Our court order (CO) specifies that each parent gets one phone call nightly. That works much better.

I remember reading a thread about phones that the BPD has bought for the kids. You have every right to make a boundary that the phones are limited (like it's ok for them to use them from 8pm-9pm or something). Blame homework. Blame chores.

Also remember that you are going to be the target. It's not because the kids don't like you, it's because BPDmom doesn't like you. She will only be happy if the kids are complaining about you, and will use emotional blackmail if they show even a hint of getting along with you.

[newstempom]

Thanks Thunderstruck.  She is definitely a uBPDbm.  The MIL emphatically states the she must continue talking to her to "keep the lines of communication open" since she thinks uBPDbm will cut off all ties with DH (I don't even understand how could even happen because of the kids?).  MIL insists she is doing it for "the boys."   It sounds like enabling behavior to me, but i'm no psychoanalyst.  It seems to me it has to do with MIL's need to be needed, but whatever.  DH goes along with it because (in the nicest way possible) he is a momma's boy and while his MIL is very nice and generous, there always seems to be tiny strings attached to her generosity in the background.  Again, not really worried about this dynamic--it is what it is, and I'm not going to change it.

The phone situation is tough.  Both DH and uBPDbm use it to get ahold of SS13 and text him, and his school has some app they have kids use on either a tablet or iPhone. I've suggested to DH to get SS13 & SS9 (is that right abbrev?) burner phones without text feature (and SS13 can use DH's tablet at school).  No iPhone allowed in our house.  Both of them also have kindles she bought them and she FREAKS when DH takes them away to discipline the boys.  Just this week DH had me take SS9's with me out of town to work so SS9 wouldn't go looking for it and whine to get it back.  Worked like a charm!  Well SS13 texted uBPDbm about it and she called DH and went ballistic.  She said she was going to file a police report becase that is HER property and we are not allowed to take them away.  Fine, then keep the kindles at her house, too.  Things haven't gotten THAT bad with boys' bad behavior, yet but we have that step in our back pocket. 

I just feel bad the kids will get their privileges revoked but she has manipulated SS13 into texting everything we do.  At the same time, I will not allow this invasion of our privacy in my home.  This will for SURE again make us the bad guys to SS but we are in a lose-lose situation. We simply have protect them now as much as possible from her manipulation or they will hate us for not doing it when they become adults.

Thanks again for the support!

[newstempom]

Oh and I forgot to mention that BPDm has blocked both my work cell phone and personal cell phone from SS13's phone.  What a peach!     

[bravhart1]

Welcome stepmom,

I am a SM to seven year old daughter. She's been with us since she was three.

A couple of things to think about from my perspective,  and I'll just go ahead and tell you right now, I am not a BPD sympathizer    when I was reading about you calling BPDm a liar and an idiot, I was thinking, well she probably is a liar and an idiot, what's wrong with that? Lol but I have learned to soften that over the last couple years.

Anyway, my two cents here is that BPDm has heard from the boys that you are kind and nice and probably cool, and since she doesn't like you she doesn't want them to like you either. This little tidbit turns out to be BPD 101.

So take it with s grain of salt when you hear they don't like you, those are moms manipulated words running out of their mouths. They feel like if they like you that means they want you as mom and not her, she probably even said that very thing to them. My SD's mom actually punishes SD7 if she said anything kind or approving about me.

My SD's mom even says to her that "their" family would be together if not for me being there.

Who knows what convoluted thing she's telling them. I just remind my SD that her mom is her mom, I'm her friend and that's all I will ever be. That mom is worried about me trying to be her mom, but that's not possible I can never be her mom. And that BPDm will eventually come to see this too, but until then let's not go along with moms fears by acting like bravhart is the problem. Moms fear of bravhart is the only problem and if SD repeats or believes moms fears then it just makes it more real for mom and hurts things between bravhart and SD. My SD seems to accept that and it also helps her to see that her participation in moms campaign hurts everyone, including mom who's fears are being reinforced.

BPDm wasn't too happy when SD wouldn't go along with bravhart bashing anymore. But I don't spend any of my time or effort trying to sooth BPDm, that's futile.

Some  SM's here have a genuine compassion and kind heart toward the BPDm. I envy that they were given the opportunity to have some communication with them. It sounds like your BPDm is like mine in that they won't even entertain being civil.

On the MIL front, just wow. That's got to be hard. The MIL relationship is loaded to begin with right?

I think it's great that she is able to remain kind and open to BPDm. Personally I would use that to my advantage. I would take MIL out to lunch and have a very frank conversation with her. Enlist her "help", it sounds like she likes to be the hub, so use that to get her to pressure BPDm to stop dad and Sm bashing. Express your fears that if BPDm gets her way and boys move two hours away that not only will it cut into dads relationship, it will reduce grandmas much needed presence and influence. And you worry how BPDm will be able to handle two rambunctious teen boys all on her own. Looks like a recipe for disaster, what ever will we do?    I'm guessing your MIL has some mad BPD skills to be able to handle keeping mom from turning against her. They've stayed close, you get closer. Who knows you might be the mother of her next grandchild, I'm sure grandma wants to stay in good with all of you.

Good luck and welcome!

[Thunderstruck]

Oh and I forgot to mention that BPDm has blocked both my work cell phone and personal cell phone from SS13's phone.  What a peach!     

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. She's using the whole phone situation as a means of control. In my household the phone would be gone. Placed into a basket somewhere. The kids can have them back when they return to BPDmoms. But I can be (and very often am) the "evil" stepmom.  And a BPD rage doesn't sway my decisions.

(P.S. There are trackers on phones, she might be/probably is watching your every move).

What authority does she have to uproot the kids? There aren't very many judges who would think that that was a good idea.

What does your DH think about the whole situation?

[bravhart1]

But I can be (and very often am) the "evil" stepmom.  And a BPD rage doesn't sway my decisions

^^ LOL thunder I knew liked you!

[Panda39]

Hi newstepom,

I just want to join Thunderstruk and bravhart and Welcome you to the BPD Family 

I have been dating my SO (significant other) for 5+ years and support him as he parents his two daughters (D15&:)19).

I'm glad you've found us.  I don't have a whole lot to add but I did want to point out the box to the right --> Each topic is a link to more information.  When you have time I hope you will pick a topic and dive in.

Glad to have another stepmom in the group 

Take Care,

Panda39

[GaGrl]

First, let me say that my step- children are adults and I CONTINUE to deal with their uNPD/BPD MOTHER. It really never ends - we are now grandparents together (distantly).

Second, I will admit that I loathe the Ex.

So, that being established... .I'm still a bit confused. Is the MIL to which you refer your DH's mother, who is trying to maintain a relationship with her former DIL? That I indicates some boundaries need to be drawn.

[newstempom]

Thanks for the support Thunder, bravhart Gagrl, Panda.  I was beginning to think it was me--you know how you get into situations that seem utterly ridiculous and think to yourself, "am I the crazy one?" 

Anyway, I've downloaded some iBooks to listen to when I drive each week but if you have any others you've found helpful, I'd gladly take them!  So far i have these:

The Happy Stepmother--Rachelle Katz  (about halfway in--I give it a C+ so far)

Stepmother Survival Guide--James OBrien

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Stop Walking on Eggshells--Randi Kreger, Paul T. Mason

I'm so thankful I've found this site and that you all are so welcoming.   

Have a great Wednesday!

[Panda39]

Hi newstmpom,

When I first discovered BPD (Googled "Chronic Lying"  ) I first went to my local library and later searched out specific books, here are some that I liked best... .

This book may be common sense and you may be doing much of what is in it already but even so it is full of good reminders.  Just like we validated your feelings here so you didn't feel crazy it is important to validate our children's feelings and help them feel heard and understood as well.

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by:Karyn D. Hall Melissa Cook

This one is good to get an idea of the types of behaviors your stepkids could be experiencing.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by:Christine Ann Lawson

This one I felt was a really good book about BPD in general and also was empathetic in terms of the pwBPD (person with BPD).

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by:Valerie Porr, M.A.

This site also has another board with book reviews that you might want to check out too.

Take Care,

Panda39

[newstempom]

Thanks Panda I will definitely check those books out. 

Hope everyone is having a great day.  *Hugs!*

[Thunderstruck]

Our L actually recommended "Mom's House, Dad's House" and "Co-parenting with a Jerk". Those were good ones about co-parenting with high conflict people.

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a great one. I can not count how many times people who have come in contact with uBPDbm have described it as always walking on eggshells (SD10 has said this too!). I guess the book is aptly named!