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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: This weekend's evolving situation  (Read 352 times)
unicorn2014
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« on: January 15, 2016, 04:17:55 PM »

  everyone, I'm relatively new to this board, I'm primarily from the undecided and coping boards, however I also have a disordered ex who is impossible to coparent with so I figured I get some real time help as the situation is evolving.

A little bit of background on the tools already in my box: I've been in therapy since I started having problems in my former marriage. I had one therapist to create a divorce plan with, then another one who told me I had dysthymia, then I landed in the office of my primary therapist who I worked with for 7 years. I also have put in 12 years in Al-Anon, the director of my daughter's child development center 12 stepped me when I told her my husband at the time was picking us up when he was high (I was doing my student hours at the center, I have a degree in Child Development). I also use a 24 parental stress line on a regular basis, and I'm trying to work on my own adult child stuff so I can be more  present to and compassionate with  my rebellious and willful d15.

My ex has had no therapy, no medication, he has untreated bipolar, he self medicates, and I learned through therapy that he has sociopathic traits, so that would be antisocial personality disorder.

So its a volatile situation.

I have full custody.

He has reasonable visitation, which I discussed in a general thread.

This is a specific incident thread describing the situation that is currently active.

---------------------

So last night I got a phone call from my ex stating he wanted to see our daughter this weekend. Previously I had gotten a phone call earlier in the week stating he wanted to see her and said that's fine, let me know your work schedule, and we'll work something out. It took him several days to get back to me.

My ex does not have personal transportation and we are due for a winter storm this weekend, starting tonight. My city sent out emails and has been posting on Facebook to get ready for flooding and power outages.

I told my ex in very clear and explicit terms that I do not want d15 taking public transportation during a storm. He made a stupid (yes I know I'm judging him but that's because I'm mad and I'm tired of having to be the emotionally mature and nonjudgmental one) comment that he has to take the bus everywhere. Yes, the reason he has to take the bus everywhere is because our truck got impounded when he was driving under the influence. He was so stupid (yes, I'm sorry, but I am not happy with the man) that someone gave him a truck and it happened again, so now he has no vehicle. I don't drive because my parents didn't drive so I never learned how. (That is my primary  goal in life right now, learning to drive like the movie, but that is not a story for this board.)

Here is the text I got from him last night
Excerpt
Hi i want to spend time with our daughter this week i can mAke a plan and run it by you?

You  may ask what's wrong with that but when he refers to d15 as "our daughter" that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

She is his emotional supply and he doesn't want to see her because its in her best interests, he wants to see her so he can get a feel good.

(I apologize for my cynicism and I understand if you need to turn away now.)

His last text to me was
Excerpt
I will call you as soon as i know about securing proper transportation for her

Its not proper transportation for her, its proper transportation for him so he can pick her up.

She wants to see him which is why I am allowing this however she understands that I will not let her take public transportation in a storm as the roads in our city flood during a storm and there are traffic problems.

Anyways I'm very frustrated and aggravated.

She has been acting out a lot lately, I don't really like that term, but I am currently trying to change my approach to parenting so I hope to acquire better language to describe her behavior.

The point being is when she behaving badly I don't want her around him because he just exacerbates it.

He is a criminal and she got cited for running away just last week.

He is a drug dealer and she got busted for being high out in another city several months ago but the sheriff  dropped the charges, this time.

My ex thinks he magically has the power to fix her by spending time with her but the way I feel is until he gets treatment and stops self medicating I don't really want him around her. However I know that will probably never happen so since that is her father, and I am trying to follow the guidance of my therapists, I try to foster what relationship I can.

However that also taps into another issue.

I had to work really hard in therapy for a number of years to not be the recreation director for their visits and orchestra everything because he is so disorganized. My long term therapist said it would be good for my d15 to experience the chaos of my ex so she could know who he really is. The problem is when she comes back from these visits she's chaotic. After spending New Year's with him she stayed out till 2am, then went to the city she got busted in, then ran away. From my point of view he is a very bad influence on her.

One of the reasons he wants to see her is he wants to talk to her and figure out what's going on with her.

Its simple.

He's a horrible influence.

But of course he won't see that, and I know I can't tell him that.

As those of you from the undecided board know I have a lot going on in my life.

I really want help to keep all this stuff compartmentalized!

Is that even possible?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2016, 06:16:14 PM »

Hi unicorn2014,

It sounds like a difficult situation, all around, for everyone. I'm sorry if you wrote this elsewhere and I missed it: Is your D15 BPD?

And what does reasonable visitation mean?

Usually there is an invisible triangle for parents on this board that includes mom, dad, and the custody order, and then running through that triangle is a messy situation that has to be dealt with across all three points.

Your situation is a little unusual for this board, in that it is usually the BPD parent who deny or delay visitation, for lack of better words. Many members here, we all worry about our kids when they're with their disordered parent, yet we still comply.

It's tiring to be the emotionally mature person when there is a disordered parent working at cross-purposes, it's also kinda part of being a parent. We have to work twice as hard so it can become exhausting, but it's also part of radical acceptance to get to a place where it's just how it is and we do the best to neutralize the conflict.

Your job is going to be even harder if your D is BPD herself.

I know it's hard to accept that your ex considers D15 to be "your" daughter, but it's a biological fact. She is the daughter of two people, and it's you and him. My ex has been largely absent my son's entire life even when we lived together. N/BPDx is completely and totally out of S14's life at the moment, and yet S14 is still "our" son.

If the storm concerns you, why not ask ex to propose another day? It sounds like he is trying to meet your expectations -- you said no to public transportation and now he's looking for an alternative way to get there. He also has proposed to make a plan and get your approval.

I don't know that you have to be recreation director, just a few questions to maintain that D15 has a way to see him safely, and that you have some checkpoints in place to make sure she's not running away, like asking him to have her call you at an agreed upon time. Or something like that?




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unicorn2014
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2016, 06:44:21 PM »

Hi unicorn2014,

It sounds like a difficult situation, all around, for everyone. I'm sorry if you wrote this elsewhere and I missed it: Is your D15 BPD?

I do not know yet. She has refused treatment. She has been getting in trouble with school authorities and law enforcement since middle school, I wrote about it elsewhere. I even took her to a couple of counseling sessions but because she refused to participate the intern wouldn't see her anymore.

And what does reasonable visitation mean?

It means it is at my discretion. Since my ex has untreated bipolar and since he self medicates with alcohol, marijuana and cocaine, I get to determine when he sees her and where.

Usually there is an invisible triangle for parents on this board that includes mom, dad, and the custody order, and then running through that triangle is a messy situation that has to be dealt with across all three points.

I have full custody.

Your situation is a little unusual for this board, in that it is usually the BPD parent who deny or delay visitation, for lack of better words. Many members here, we all worry about our kids when they're with their disordered parent, yet we still comply.

I have no obligation to let him see her, when I do its a courtesy to him.



Your job is going to be even harder if your D is BPD herself.

Yes a couple of years ago when she got caught shoplifting with some other kids at a local mall  the police department recommended a 10 week parenting class for out of control teenagers.  Recently the supervisor at the  parental stress line recommended the same class to me after I told them my d15 ran away twice last week, so I called the facilitator and am waiting to hear back from her.

I know it's hard to accept that your ex considers D15 to be "your" daughter, but it's a biological fact. She is the daughter of two people, and it's you and him. My ex has been largely absent my son's entire life even when we lived together. N/BPDx is completely and totally out of S14's life at the moment, and yet S14 is still "our" son.

I feel like he says that to try and manipulate me because at other times he's made it very clear to me that he's detached himself from me and his hardened his heart towards me, he's even said just that.

If the storm concerns you, why not ask ex to propose another day? It sounds like he is trying to meet your expectations -- you said no to public transportation and now he's looking for an alternative way to get there. He also has proposed to make a plan and get your approval.

I did already and he's a very difficult person and he fought me. There is no alternative way to get here. He did not come forward with a plan, but he did call me to complain to me about allowing our daughter to go out with a friend yesterday afternoon to a movie.

I don't know that you have to be recreation director, just a few questions to maintain that D15 has a way to see him safely, and that you have some checkpoints in place to make sure she's not running away, like asking him to have her call you at an agreed upon time. Or something like that?

Unfortunately she's already run away, after she went to see the movie yesterday afternoon, and she is still at large, as I posted about on another board. He does not know she ran away, I have not talked to him, and she has not talked to him on her phone since yesterday afternoon before the movie.

This is a very stressful situation for me as you can imagine. I wrote about it over on the parenting board because this has turned into a parenting issue. I'm really hurting right now from some of the things she has said to me, but I do have a call into the parenting class and I am meeting with my individual therapist on Wednesday.

There is indeed a storm and my daughter is indeed missing and I have not informed her father. It is possible she has contacted him using someone else's phone but I don't feel like calling him to find out. I'm afraid of him and I'm going to assume that if she flees to him he would tell me. Since I have custody, he would be legally obligated to inform me of this. Those are the facts at the moment. I know what city she is in, but I don't know who's she with or where she's at. The police and the phone company have tried to contact her and she has ignored both.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2016, 07:00:18 PM »

And what does reasonable visitation mean?

It means it is at my discretion. Since my ex has untreated bipolar and since he self medicates with alcohol, marijuana and cocaine, I get to determine when he sees her and where.

That's a custody arrangement I haven't heard of before. Was visitation terminated?



I know it's hard to accept that your ex considers D15 to be "your" daughter, but it's a biological fact. She is the daughter of two people, and it's you and him. My ex has been largely absent my son's entire life even when we lived together. N/BPDx is completely and totally out of S14's life at the moment, and yet S14 is still "our" son.

I feel like he says that to try and manipulate me because at other times he's made it very clear to me that he's detached himself from me and his hardened his heart towards me, he's even said just that.

I understand, he has hurt your feelings and it must feel hard to forgive him for saying that. Even so, it does not seem manipulative to me for the biological parent to say that his daughter is "our" daughter when speaking to the other biological parent, even if that relationship is strained. 

I don't know that you have to be recreation director, just a few questions to maintain that D15 has a way to see him safely, and that you have some checkpoints in place to make sure she's not running away, like asking him to have her call you at an agreed upon time. Or something like that?

Unfortunately she's already run away, after she went to see the movie yesterday afternoon, and she is still at large, as I posted about on another board. He does not know she ran away, I have not talked to him, and she has not talked to him on her phone since yesterday afternoon before the movie.

This is a very stressful situation for me as you can imagine. I wrote about it over on the parenting board because this has turned into a parenting issue. I'm really hurting right now from some of the things she has said to me, but I do have a call into the parenting class and I am meeting with my individual therapist on Wednesday.

There is indeed a storm and my daughter is indeed missing and I have not informed her father. It is possible she has contacted him using someone else's phone but I don't feel like calling him to find out. I'm afraid of him and I'm going to assume that if she flees to him he would tell me. Since I have custody, he would be legally obligated to inform me of this. Those are the facts at the moment. I know what city she is in, but I don't know who's she with or where she's at. The police and the phone company have tried to contact her and she has ignored both.

This is new information... .

So the problem is not whether you will allow D15 to see him, but whether to inform him that S15 is missing?

It sounds like you have people helping you with this. What do they advise you do? I have sole custody of S14 too, and   have felt fear of N/BPDx too. Even so, if S14 went missing, I would be sure to tell him, especially if I thought S14 would go there. Are you worried that your ex will blame the situation on you?
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unicorn2014
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2016, 07:09:03 PM »

That's a custody arrangement I haven't heard of before. Was visitation terminated?

He was granted reasonable visitation. He calls me when he wants to see her, which is every couple of weeks or so. I have never denied him seeing her without good reason, in this case its I didn't want her taking two buses in the rain to go see him, so I told him she could see him tomorrow.



I understand, he has hurt your feelings and it must feel hard to forgive him for saying that. Even so, it does not seem manipulative to me for the biological parent to say that his daughter is "our" daughter when speaking to the other biological parent, even if that relationship is strained. 

He's done more then hurt my feelings, he's physically threatened me more then once. He's told me I deserve to be hit, in front of our daughter, in a vehicle, on the street. He's forced his way into my apartment. He's destroyed property.


This is new information... .

So the problem is not whether you will allow D15 to see him, but whether to inform him that S15 is missing?

That is correct. She is at a safe house in another city, and I don't know who's house it is.

It sounds like you have people helping you with this. What do they advise you do? I have sole custody of S14 too, and   have felt fear of N/BPDx too. Even so, if S14 went missing, I would be sure to tell him, especially if I thought S14 would go there. Are you worried that your ex will blame the situation on you?

Absolutely I know he will blame me. I have good reason to fear my ex, he has physically threatened me, threatened to take custody away, put me down, made a scene at my apartment. I'm not sure if you read my thread or not about not choosing to file a restraining order in the past because of church?

In the past when she's gone missing and I've asked if she's with him she hasn't been. I have an app on my phone that allows me to know who's calling and texting her and who she's calling and texting. There has been no contact between the two of them on her phone since yesterday afternoon before the movie. She says she wants to live with him but its a ploy. She has made no effort to contact him. If I call him and ask him where she is it will start drama and I don't want to do that.

I already determined if this situation were to happen again I would give his number to the police and let them contact him. The police have not asked about him or if she's with him. (He has a criminal record.) If they do I will let them contact him.
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