everyone, I'm relatively new to this board, I'm primarily from the undecided and coping boards, however I also have a disordered ex who is impossible to coparent with so I figured I get some real time help as the situation is evolving.
A little bit of background on the tools already in my box: I've been in therapy since I started having problems in my former marriage. I had one therapist to create a divorce plan with, then another one who told me I had dysthymia, then I landed in the office of my primary therapist who I worked with for 7 years. I also have put in 12 years in Al-Anon, the director of my daughter's child development center 12 stepped me when I told her my husband at the time was picking us up when he was high (I was doing my student hours at the center, I have a degree in Child Development). I also use a 24 parental stress line on a regular basis, and I'm trying to work on my own adult child stuff so I can be more present to and compassionate with my rebellious and willful d15.
My ex has had no therapy, no medication, he has untreated bipolar, he self medicates, and I learned through therapy that he has sociopathic traits, so that would be antisocial personality disorder.
So its a volatile situation.
I have full custody.
He has reasonable visitation, which I discussed in a general thread.
This is a specific incident thread describing the situation that is currently active.
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So last night I got a phone call from my ex stating he wanted to see our daughter this weekend. Previously I had gotten a phone call earlier in the week stating he wanted to see her and said that's fine, let me know your work schedule, and we'll work something out. It took him several days to get back to me.
My ex does not have personal transportation and we are due for a winter storm this weekend, starting tonight. My city sent out emails and has been posting on Facebook to get ready for flooding and power outages.
I told my ex in very clear and explicit terms that I do not want d15 taking public transportation during a storm. He made a stupid (yes I know I'm judging him but that's because I'm mad and I'm tired of having to be the emotionally mature and nonjudgmental one) comment that he has to take the bus everywhere. Yes, the reason he has to take the bus everywhere is because our truck got impounded when he was driving under the influence. He was so stupid (yes, I'm sorry, but I am not happy with the man) that someone gave him a truck and it happened again, so now he has no vehicle. I don't drive because my parents didn't drive so I never learned how. (That is my primary goal in life right now, learning to drive like the movie, but that is not a story for this board.)
Here is the text I got from him last night
Hi i want to spend time with our daughter this week i can mAke a plan and run it by you?
You may ask what's wrong with that but when he refers to d15 as "our daughter" that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
She is his emotional supply and he doesn't want to see her because its in her best interests, he wants to see her so he can get a feel good.
(I apologize for my cynicism and I understand if you need to turn away now.)
His last text to me was
I will call you as soon as i know about securing proper transportation for her
Its not proper transportation for her, its proper transportation for him so he can pick her up.
She wants to see him which is why I am allowing this however she understands that I will not let her take public transportation in a storm as the roads in our city flood during a storm and there are traffic problems.
Anyways I'm very frustrated and aggravated.
She has been acting out a lot lately, I don't really like that term, but I am currently trying to change my approach to parenting so I hope to acquire better language to describe her behavior.
The point being is when she behaving badly I don't want her around him because he just exacerbates it.
He is a criminal and she got cited for running away just last week.
He is a drug dealer and she got busted for being high out in another city several months ago but the sheriff dropped the charges, this time.
My ex thinks he magically has the power to fix her by spending time with her but the way I feel is until he gets treatment and stops self medicating I don't really want him around her. However I know that will probably never happen so since that is her father, and I am trying to follow the guidance of my therapists, I try to foster what relationship I can.
However that also taps into another issue.
I had to work
really hard in therapy for a number of years to not be the
recreation director for their visits and orchestra everything because he is so disorganized. My long term therapist said it would be good for my d15 to experience the chaos of my ex so she could know who he really is. The problem is when she comes back from these visits she's chaotic. After spending New Year's with him she stayed out till 2am, then went to the city she got busted in, then ran away. From my point of view he is a very bad influence on her.
One of the reasons he wants to see her is he wants to talk to her and figure out what's going on with her.
Its simple.
He's a horrible influence.
But of course he won't see that, and I know I can't tell him that.
As those of you from the undecided board know I have a lot going on in my life.
I really want help to keep all this stuff compartmentalized!
Is that even possible?