What to do when he goes off

[Lina108]

New here. Just trying to find coping mechanisms to deal with what i believe is my BPD partner.

Have broken up with him before ( most recently for 3 months- no contact). I always second guess myself and give it another try. I find him smart, funny and the most interesting person I've ever met. But when I do or say something that triggers him he goes off on me and says things that don't pertain to what I intended and distorts what was said to something I don't recognize at all. He will text me long monologues about how I'm feeling this and that way about him that are totally distorted and just weird.  He won't entertain that he's projecting, and he won't ever agree to disagree, just expects me to apologize for something I didn't say or don't feel. When I don't apologize ( because I don't want to acknowledge something he's projected I feel that isn't true)  I become this monstrous, neglectful person who is "discarding" him. The cycle is so frustrating and it's hard to know what will trigger it or what will help bring him out of the spin cycle. I do walk on eggshells and I can't express any slightly negative feelings I might have for fear of him going off, so I mostly try to titrate the relationship to just having fun. What have other people done to bring the BPD partner out of the spin cycle?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lou12]

Hi Lina

I'm pretty new here so I can't profess to have all the answers as I'm still very much learning to. There is however others on here who will be able to help you much better than me. Here's my 2 pence/cents depending where you live.

There is lots of reading material to the right of the screen that will help you immensely.

It is important not to validate the invalid but very important to validate his feelings. So when he accuses you of feeling/saying something that you don't regard as true you can use the validation and SET techniques. These should help you with communication when faced with these issues.

As for bringing my BPDbf out of a trigger then I can't answer this and quite honestly I am not sure it is possible. Most BPD behaviours are not personal to you or your words or thinking and to do with their disorder.

The site has helped me immensely with dealing with certain situations and how I am best to deal with them.

Thankfully I no longer walk on eggshells 95% of the time. This has all been down to educating myself as much as possible with BPD and using the tools and techniques to make life with your BPD more of a happier relationship

X

[flowerpath]

Hi there, Lina.  Welcome!

The person who I thought was smart, interesting, and funny ended up making my life incredibly difficult, over and over again.

When I first came to this site, I was told that a lot of this is learning as much about BPD as you can and learning how to protect yourself from it.  True!

I used to get really thrown off balance by the "totally distorted and just weird" perspective.  It helped me to realize that I'm dealing with a mentally ill person.

For the weird perspective instances, the SET tool (in lesson #3 to the right) is very helpful for me.  I've said something like "I understand that you... ." ... ."but the fact of the matter is... ." 

If he goes off with either verbal stuff that sounds angry or is abusive or has body language that speaks louder than words, I quietly leave the room or even the house if I need to.  There's a whole lot of power in that, and it alleviated all of the fear I had about him going off.  I realized that I don't have to sit there or stand there and watch or listen to any of it.  I had some good coaching from members of this site.  It took a while, but in the way that negative reinforcement works, it resulted in a decrease in that kind of behavior.  (I did have to set a boundary of never riding in a car that he is driving because there is no way out.)

I don't respond to text messages or emails that have anything to do with our relationship.  Things like groceries or appointments, unemotional things, yes.  But about our relationship or his feelings, no.  Sometimes I can tell he's just letting off steam and doesn't really want a response, but later when I see him in person, if it's something I think he really wants to talk about I'll say, "I got your message... ." 

I used to take on the weight of all of this.  There are a lot of important things I am responsible for taking care of, and now the responsibility of trying to bring my h out of something that has triggered him is way beyond what I am willing to take on.  I just can't take care of his feelings for him.  I validate when it seems to be appropriate, and do what I can not to trigger or exacerbate a problem.  The lessons (#1 and 2) helped me to figure that out. 

There are times that I'm not very good at using the tools here, and there are times that I'm caught off guard, but I've learned enough that finally the scales have tipped and I don't feel helpless.  Weary sometimes, yes.  It takes a lot of energy when you have a person with BPD in your life.

flowerpath