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Author Topic: Relationship recovery after your inner work  (Read 446 times)
blackbirdsong
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 314



« on: January 16, 2016, 01:22:42 PM »

Considering the fact that people on this board are still in ongoing relationship with their BPD partners I think you are the most relevant to answer my question.

Did you have breakup periods with your partner?

If you did, did you change anything regarding yourself (therapy, inner work, FOO issues resolving, etc) and then continue the relationship with changed behavior towards your partner or did you just accept that they are willing to change and then continue the relationship hoping for the best?

In case you did perform some inner work, did you notice long-term benefits of this?
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

EaglesJuju
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2016, 03:33:52 PM »

I had a couple break up periods with my boyfriend.

I have been continuously working on myself in therapy prior to our breaks. Although, during the last break, I started EMDR. EMDR has helped me with anxiety and FOO issues. I am not quite at radical acceptance, but I accept the disorder for the most part. The times that I have trouble are when the behavior triggers one of my FOO issues. The more I work through my own stuff, the easier it is to handle things. I realize that a bulk of the times when I would take things personal or get upset, it was due to my own issues. 

Are you asking these questions because you are considering rekindling a relationship with your ex?

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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
blackbirdsong
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2016, 03:56:33 PM »

I had a couple break up periods with my boyfriend.

I have been continuously working on myself in therapy prior to our breaks. Although, during the last break, I started EMDR. EMDR has helped me with anxiety and FOO issues. I am not quite at radical acceptance, but I accept the disorder for the most part. The times that I have trouble are when the behavior triggers one of my FOO issues. The more I work through my own stuff, the easier it is to handle things. I realize that a bulk of the times when I would take things personal or get upset, it was due to my own issues. 

Are you asking these questions because you are considering rekindling a relationship with your ex?

Yes, but shhhhhh, don't tell anyone.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Not sure, most of my recovery process goes in the direction that I am more aware that we don't have future.

But it seems that my codependency issues still exist and I suposse they are provoking this question.

"What if" situation.

I broke up because I was too emotionally exhausted and didn't know the facts about BPD that I have learned after break up.

But considering the fact that I have learned a lot about their behavior and read a lot stories here, now I see other patterns that I recognized and that could imply some things that maybe happened in my r/s (lying about some stuff, possible emotional cheating or even physical?)

Like I said, don't have proof now but things are bugging me. But on the other hand, I feel bad because I am thinking of this without solid proof.

My mind is a bit messed up now. Don't really know what to do. Probably nothing until my mind clears up.

I was just wondering do you see some significant improvement while applying those communication/behavior skills from board lessons.

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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2016, 04:30:10 PM »

Not sure, most of my recovery process goes in the direction that I am more aware that we don't have future.

But it seems that my codependency issues still exist and I suposse they are provoking this question.

"What if" situation.

In my opinion, I do not think "what ifs" are  mutually exclusive to codependency.    It is understandable and reasonable to look at situation with a different perspective and wonder if it could possibly work.

I broke up because I was too emotionally exhausted and didn't know the facts about BPD that I have learned after break up.

It is good that you recognized your feelings and did what was best for you. That has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome, putting my own needs first.  It is advantageous that you are self-aware and have limitations/boundaries. Both are needed to improve a relationship with a BPD sufferer.

But considering the fact that I have learned a lot about their behavior and read a lot stories here, now I see other patterns that I recognized and that could imply some things that maybe happened in my r/s (lying about some stuff, possible emotional cheating or even physical?)Like I said, don't have proof now but things are bugging me. But on the other hand, I feel bad because I am thinking of this without solid proof.My mind is a bit messed up now. Don't really know what to do. Probably nothing until my mind clears up.

As great as it is to read and relate to other's stories, it can be easy to extrapolate patterns of behavior and retroactively apply them to your relationship. I did it.    I started convincing myself that my boyfriend was doing all these things. In retrospect, I caused myself so much anxiety and worry.  As there are common traits amongst BPD sufferers, you have to remember everyone has different traits. Inferences about individual behavior drawn from a group is an ecological fallacy.  Try not to fall in that trap.

I completely understand how you feel like your mind is messed up and are confused. Take a step back and then try to look at your situation from a wise mind perspective.

I was just wondering do you see some significant improvement while applying those communication/behavior skills from board lessons.

I have seen a dramatic improvement with my relationship from my therapy and using the tools. Once I stopped walking on eggshells, things got so much better.  It is has gotten to a point where we can have mutual conversations about our own feelings without adverse outcomes. It honestly has shifted into a equalitarian relationship.
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
babyducks
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2016, 12:07:34 PM »

I was just wondering do you see some significant improvement while applying those communication/behavior skills from board lessons.

hi blackbirdsong,

everyone has very personal reasons to stay in their relationship based on their own unique situation.    I can echo a lot of what Eagles said (and said so well too   )

there was period where I was broken up from my partner,  I did go to therapy and worked very hard at understanding what exactly where the toxic parts of our relationship and what was the best way to approach them.   I also had to make a clear, and careful decision about if some of our difficult past history could be overcome.  I had to look at me.   What made me want to stay and what were my strengths and weaknesses.

I worked/work on the tools and skills here.   the relationship I have now is nothing like the relationship I had before.   the idealization and devaluation is gone.    pretty much so are the arguments.   we still have some bumpy times.  it involved changing me and my responses.   

what ever you decided to do, the self reflection will pay dividends in the long run.

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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
blackbirdsong
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Posts: 314



« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2016, 12:21:00 PM »

I was just wondering do you see some significant improvement while applying those communication/behavior skills from board lessons.

I worked/work on the tools and skills here.   the relationship I have now is nothing like the relationship I had before.   the idealization and devaluation is gone.    pretty much so are the arguments.   we still have some bumpy times.  it involved changing me and my responses.   

Can you describe how, in your specific case?

I suppose, after your work, you also expect some change in her behavior, as a consequence of your change.

Is she also willing to change? Not in the sense, that she doesn't have BPD anymore, but in the sense that she reacts differently on your behavior? 

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babyducks
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2016, 12:43:28 PM »

biggest changes for me was to be less of a caretaker,  to learn how to self validate, and to define my own internal personal boundaries.    when I say internal personal boundaries I mean being less reactive to her emotional swings.

my partner is Bipolar and BPD.  she has been in therapy and on medication for a long time and is very committed to her own recovery.   she responds very well my positive changes.   every once and a while we go down a rabbit hole.  I am much more prepared to deal with them since I am more educated.   

since we are both humans we both fall down every once and a while and react to stress or life events.   the mental health stuff is a big component of our relationship, it is manageable with effort.  some times a great deal of effort and some times not so much.


does that help?

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