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Author Topic: Tired of breakup threats  (Read 411 times)
Jessica84
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« on: January 17, 2016, 02:42:55 AM »

I am so sick of the breakup threats every time there's a conflict.

Tonight I took one insult after another. I was too hyper, I was too calm, I talked too much, didn't talk enough, I got up too fast, I was sitting wrong, eating wrong, handed him a napkin wrong, my opinions were wrong, I didn't have the "right" reactions during football... .It was endless. So many little things I couldn't take it anymore. Told him I was going home. He asked why?

I know this isn't about me. He's had a bad week and a lot of stress at work. I validated pretty well throughout the day, but then he'd start up again... and again... .until it was about every half hour I was doing something wrong!

So I decided to leave him to his bad mood. He claimed he didn't want to argue. Told him I was leaving so we wouldn't and asked him not to text until tomorrow.

What does he do? He texts! Says he's tired of being the "bad guy" and having to "watch every word"... .and "maybe it's time we go our separate ways". ARGGGHHHHHH

So I replied when I got home "ok good night"... .then I get a long list of how it's NOT a good night... .how it's a terrible night, how everything went from good to bad with us in 24 hours, how I deserve better and how he now has a long future of hopelessness ahead of him. Who knew "good night" could provoke all that?

He can say or do anything -- as long as I stay and take it, we're fine. The second I choose to leave his rudeness, we're done. I'm tired of these breakup threats. I shouldn't have texted back. I was definitely making things worse so I stopped responding. Of course he kept going. Finally he texted "I deleted that entire conversation. Let's talk later when we are both less stressed."

Sigh... .
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« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2016, 04:52:24 AM »

 

Break up threats are often ways of trying to get you to jump back in line. He is going to do what he does.  Just shrug to yourself and do what you feel is right and dont respond to them.

Extreme reactions are pretty tiring.
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« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2016, 05:09:40 AM »

  Jessica84, Hey, sorry you had to deal with this.  I know you've followed some of my recent adventures and I believe it was you that commented at one point about me not giving an inch on boundaries, at least somebody did.  Please don't take this a criticism of your approach, but something to consider.    The words got to you and you went home.  That is good and in the

FF good, better, best ranking I would likely bump you up to better.    So, obviously unkind words matter to you (and me) because you are willing to enforce a boundary at some point.  What I would suggest you consider is moving boundary enforcement up to a place before you are bothered enough to go home or otherwise react.  Think about me and the restaurant talk.  Was I really that upset at being called a slob that I had to leave.  Nope.  But, I've been there and done that enough with her that I know better than to wait until it "bothers" me.  So I left.  There are other hints beyond the words.  Posture, tone of voice, character of the eyes that all signal an attack is about to start.  My value is that I am not a target for negative emotions of others  What I'm saying is that I'm sure there are times my wife has said the word slob or otherwise said I was messy and it wasn't an attack and I didn't leave.    Consider leaving well before you are bothered.  Consider not responding at all to texts you have asked not to get.  Never acknowledge them.  From the BPDwhisperer point of view I am more of a fan of "I wish you a restful night" than saying goodnight.  When you make it about you, it's harder (but not impossible) for them to argue back.  Goodnight opens up the debate to is it or is it not a goodnight (and that is a valid debatable point).  Debating whether or not you have wishes for someone to have restful sleep is an invalid thing to debate.  You and only you know that.  Last:  Breakup threats (for me divorce threats).  When I stopped giving any reaction, they got less.  My guess is I've done close to 200 divorce threats, maybe more.'  Now that I'm doing better with tools, we can count this year and see how many I get.  I gone my first one this year this past Friday night.  No effect, other than I remember she said it.  

FF
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2016, 05:46:13 AM »

By the way the word "goodnight" is often used to tell someone that you can't be bothered  'shutting the door in their face". I'm sure it wasn't intended in that finality sort of way but if he wanted to interpret it that way he could have.
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2016, 07:42:14 AM »

I hate the willingness to leave too. it's a powerful tool for them. It leaves you feeling helpless. What if you cave in constantly? You'll dress, talk, have interests, feelings, etc. that conform to their fairy tale -- you won't be you anymore, you'll be their dream character.

To me, it's like a country that threatens its neighbors with nuclear desctruction every time there's a minor dispute on things like trade agreements. Sure, you can win, but eventually all contact gets cut off 'cause the threatened party just can't take it anymore.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2016, 11:23:23 AM »

This was one of many responses to "Good night":

"Not really. It's a sh-tty night and a sh-tty f-ed up depressing lonely f-ed up foreseeable future. I hope you meet a nice man."

Ok, so I could see how dismissive he took it last night, but I did ask him not to text. I just wanted to let him know I got the messages. In the past, not responding made it worse. Good night seemed the most harmless. Won't make that mistake again.

After all that I replied "I left so we wouldn't argue. I don't want to argue via text" he said "ok well good night."  But he kept texting... .until that last one.

FF - I think if I left earlier, the result would have been the same. I wasn't triggered when I left. He wanted a target. Removing myself as the target pushed him over the edge. I can't do anything about that.

As an aside, his staff told me he was pounding his head like a 2-yr-old on Friday. He asked them to punch him for being rude to them. They didn't so he started hitting himself. He's severely unstable right now.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2016, 11:41:50 AM »

To me, it's like a country that threatens its neighbors with nuclear desctruction every time there's a minor dispute on things like trade agreements. Sure, you can win, but eventually all contact gets cut off 'cause the threatened party just can't take it anymore.

I like this analogy. I leave a bad situation. He has to up the ante and leave me.
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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2016, 02:21:11 PM »

Jessica I can't believe he is fighting with you again! It really is never ending isn't it?

I've pm'd you, would like some feedback when you are free Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Jessica84
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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2016, 04:08:05 PM »

Got a text today:

"Sorry last night ended poorly. I hope you have a nice day."

Not sure what to make of this. Perhaps he wants to keep the door open while he figures out who's to blame. This is so overblown. All I did was leave BEFORE it got any worse. Even he would've left if I acted the same way. I wish he could see it from my perspective just once!

I'm not in the best place to offer validation to him. Right now it would look like this ~~> I'm sorry I ate my potatoes before my salad. I can see how uncomfortable that would make you feel. I promise to try to eat my food in the correct order in the future. Then I offered you the salt too quickly and handed you a napkin so it unfolded like a feather and fell on your plate. You must feel terrible. That was such rude behavior on my part. And dropping that pickle on my blouse by accident must've been awful for you. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm also sorry I made you watch your words carefully. Like when you said "What's the matter with you?" I see now how you were really holding back. That is my fault. I spoke before you gave me permission to speak, and then I didn't speak or sit on command. I also don't fetch or roll over. I can see how frustrating it would be to deal with such psychotic behavior. You don't need someone like me ruining your life with such antics! I hope you can find someone who doesn't do these horrible things to you. Oh and... .GOOD NIGHT.  Smiling (click to insert in post)



I better keep my distance and brush up on my validation lessons... .thanks for letting me vent
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2016, 04:12:47 PM »

I'm not in the best place to offer validation to him. Right now it would look like this ~~> I'm sorry I ate my potatoes before my salad. I can see how uncomfortable that would make you feel. I promise to try to eat my food in the correct order in the future. Then I offered you the salt too quickly and handed you a napkin so it unfolded like a feather and fell on your plate. You must feel terrible. That was such rude behavior on my part. And dropping that pickle on my blouse by accident must've been awful for you. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm also sorry I made you watch your words carefully. Like when you said "What's the matter with you?" I see now how you were really holding back. That is my fault. I spoke before you gave me permission to speak, and then I didn't speak or sit on command. I also don't fetch or roll over. I can see how frustrating it would be to deal with such psychotic behavior. You don't need someone like me ruining your life with such antics! I hope you can find someone who doesn't do these horrible things to you. Oh and... .GOOD NIGHT.  Smiling (click to insert in post)


Hilarious!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm glad you're not holding your breath waiting for him to see it from your perspective.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2016, 04:36:49 PM »

Put a needed smile on my face. Smiling (click to insert in post)

FF
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Jessica84
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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2016, 04:44:31 PM »

Happy to oblige, formflier. 

I forgot to add: I will never speak of Aaron Rogers again. He is a football god and I am unworthy to speak his good name. The end.
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2016, 04:47:18 PM »

I'm sorry I ate my potatoes before my salad. I can see how uncomfortable that would make you feel. I promise to try to eat my food in the correct order in the future. Then I offered you the salt too quickly and handed you a napkin so it unfolded like a feather and fell on your plate. You must feel terrible. That was such rude behavior on my part. And dropping that pickle on my blouse by accident must've been awful for you. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm also sorry I made you watch your words carefully. Like when you said "What's the matter with you?" I see now how you were really holding back. That is my fault. I spoke before you gave me permission to speak, and then I didn't speak or sit on command. I also don't fetch or roll over. I can see how frustrating it would be to deal with such psychotic behavior. You don't need someone like me ruining your life with such antics! I hope you can find someone who doesn't do these horrible things to you. Oh and... .GOOD NIGHT.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Work of art.
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« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2016, 04:49:21 PM »

Happy to oblige, formflier.  

I forgot to add: I will never speak of Aaron Rogers again. He is a football god and I am unworthy to speak his good name. The end.

But you know what they say about him--he dates a beard. It's too bad people can't be out in this day and age. (Pisses my husband off when I mention this, but he doesn't like the gossip--doesn't matter to him the lifestyle--just appreciates a good player.)

I needle him about football because I don't watch it and when i do, I just think "brain injury" and dementia in their future.
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« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2016, 05:00:16 PM »

Yikes! I'll have to put that one in the vault! I was referring to his awesome hail mary pass at the end of the game. I said I wish he'd have made big plays like that sooner. That's when I got my head bit off. And that's when I decided to leave.

The great potato debate of 2016 was only the beginning... .

I should've timed it like a pregnant woman does with her contractions. Had the bags packed and ready when they were an hour apart. When they were 2 minutes apart and he started shrieking in pain, time to go!
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2016, 06:06:41 PM »

Got a text today:

"Sorry last night ended poorly. I hope you have a nice day."

Not sure what to make of this. Perhaps he wants to keep the door open while he figures out who's to blame. This is so overblown. All I did was leave BEFORE it got any worse. Even he would've left if I acted the same way. I wish he could see it from my perspective just once!

I'm not in the best place to offer validation to him. Right now it would look like this ~~> I'm sorry I ate my potatoes before my salad. I can see how uncomfortable that would make you feel. I promise to try to eat my food in the correct order in the future. Then I offered you the salt too quickly and handed you a napkin so it unfolded like a feather and fell on your plate. You must feel terrible. That was such rude behavior on my part. And dropping that pickle on my blouse by accident must've been awful for you. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm also sorry I made you watch your words carefully. Like when you said "What's the matter with you?" I see now how you were really holding back. That is my fault. I spoke before you gave me permission to speak, and then I didn't speak or sit on command. I also don't fetch or roll over. I can see how frustrating it would be to deal with such psychotic behavior. You don't need someone like me ruining your life with such antics! I hope you can find someone who doesn't do these horrible things to you. Oh and... .GOOD NIGHT.  Smiling (click to insert in post)



I better keep my distance and brush up on my validation lessons... .thanks for letting me vent

I'm taking notes. Very useful stuff!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2016, 06:59:59 PM »

I'm sorry I ate my potatoes before my salad. I can see how uncomfortable that would make you feel. I promise to try to eat my food in the correct order in the future. Then I offered you the salt too quickly and handed you a napkin so it unfolded like a feather and fell on your plate. You must feel terrible. That was such rude behavior on my part. And dropping that pickle on my blouse by accident must've been awful for you. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm also sorry I made you watch your words carefully. Like when you said "What's the matter with you?" I see now how you were really holding back. That is my fault. I spoke before you gave me permission to speak, and then I didn't speak or sit on command. I also don't fetch or roll over. I can see how frustrating it would be to deal with such psychotic behavior. You don't need someone like me ruining your life with such antics! I hope you can find someone who doesn't do these horrible things to you. Oh and... .GOOD NIGHT.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hi Jessica,

I don't think I've ever chimed in on one of your posts, but had to add my enthusiastic thumbs up! If this were FB, I'd give it a "like." Well said!

Chump
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2016, 07:19:53 PM »

I'm not in the best place to offer validation to him. Right now it would look like this ~~> I'm sorry I ate my potatoes before my salad. I can see how uncomfortable that would make you feel. I promise to try to eat my food in the correct order in the future. Then I offered you the salt too quickly and handed you a napkin so it unfolded like a feather and fell on your plate. You must feel terrible. That was such rude behavior on my part. And dropping that pickle on my blouse by accident must've been awful for you. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm also sorry I made you watch your words carefully. Like when you said "What's the matter with you?" I see now how you were really holding back. That is my fault. I spoke before you gave me permission to speak, and then I didn't speak or sit on command. I also don't fetch or roll over. I can see how frustrating it would be to deal with such psychotic behavior. You don't need someone like me ruining your life with such antics! I hope you can find someone who doesn't do these horrible things to you. Oh and... .GOOD NIGHT.  Smiling (click to insert in post)



I better keep my distance and brush up on my validation lessons... .thanks for letting me vent

That was beautiful. I want to write my own now.

I'm sorry that I told you dinner was ready when it was ready. I can see how confusing that was, because you didn't know dinner was ready, so to be told something you did not know -- well, only a controlling ass like myself would do something like that. Then I was incredibly mean to tell you to come to dinner when you were ready, because you rightfully needed another ten to twenty minutes to forcefully explain to me my awfulness. How am I going to learn what an ass I am if I don't pay close attention to these lessons? It must be frustrating to have someone so ungrateful as me as a husband. And I added insult to injury by asking you what you wanted to drink! Our daughter had already asked you what you wanted to drink, and we were both so thoughtless as to not debrief on our conversations with each other before speaking with you. I understand that it is important that we coordinate all of our words and actions closely so as not to subject you to any ludicrous duplication of our so-called "thoughtful gestures." (Thoughtful? Ha! If we were thoughtful, we would know what you want and not have to bother you by asking impertinent questions.)

When you did lovingly stomp to the table, you understandably needed to use your maximum volume to tell me that my behavior was wrong. How else can you be sure I will hear and understand you if any decibels are left unused? When I didn't answer you within 1/4 second, you thoughtfully came right up to my face to scream insightful questions that helped me reflect on my personal growth, such as "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" It seems that I don't like it very much, and that's something I need to work on. I will do my best to learn to like, no love it. And I'll try to get our ten year old daughter to love it, too, so she'll stop all that distracting crying.
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« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2016, 08:40:46 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2016, 09:56:17 PM »

Yikes! I'll have to put that one in the vault! I was referring to his awesome hail mary pass at the end of the game. I said I wish he'd have made big plays like that sooner. That's when I got my head bit off. And that's when I decided to leave.

I've never chimed in on a post either.  This is freakin' hilarious! 

You should have yelled at why they didn't go for two!  It was obvious that the Cards were better.  60%+ chance winning with the 2pt conversion attempt.  I was screaming at the T.V.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2016, 10:24:21 PM »

1minute - I know right? I know you can't count out Rogers... .just wish he didn't wait til the last second on that miracle TD! So like any good fan, I was excited, but also disappointed. I was into the game. Bf was mostly looking at his phone and ignoring me, unless he was criticizing me or asking me every 20 minutes if I was mad. Yet I'm the jerk who wasn't being supportive enough of the team.    Honestly, since my team is out, I don't care who wins. I'll pick a new pony for the superbowl after next week!

Flourdust - priceless.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I'm glad you are learning the error of your ways!

In all seriousness, I don't know what's going on now. After his earlier text, I thought we might be ok. I reached out to him tonight with a friendly text. Cold response. That'll teach me. Get the feeling I've been both black AND white today. He hasn't decided. No way to know which one he'll land on. Eeny meeny miney mo... .Sigh.
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« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2016, 06:12:13 AM »

Oh this thread did make me giggle Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

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« Reply #22 on: January 19, 2016, 11:48:35 AM »

I've dealt with break up threats for four years. There was a period of maybe six months, after we reconciled(he left), that he stopped doing it. He knows how much it scares me, and I think the others are totally correct, that they do it to keep us in line, or get their way. It's a powerful, powerful took for them. And heck, sometimes if they can't get their way, or have that feeling of control, they ARE willing to just leave us. BPDh left me after all, because I dared to not be "okay" with his treatment of me, and I'd stopped being as compliant. In short, his verbal abuse, and anger, did a lot of damage, but he didn't want to own any of it, and for him, it was easier to walk away and start over.

At least your boyfriend seems to calm down, and reflect that maybe things got out of hand, and seems to see that he plays some part in it? My BPDh lacked that ability. He's getting some better at that, but it used to be a huge issue. I think it's good that your boyfriend at least in hindsight, doesn't fully blame it on just you.

I wish I had an easy answer to dealing with the threats. I hate the threats too, and now I know he is very likely to just pull the trigger at any time, because he has once before. I guess the difference now is that, I survived, and I realized I couldn't be dominated by the fear of losing the marriage. That held me captive, and gave him yet more power. I also try not to let it make me cave into him out of fear. I'm more likely to cave in now, because I just don't want to battle him. I've learned to pick my battles, and set boundaries around things I really need to defend.
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