How to parent with a low functioning BPD spouse?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As a father I know I have responsibilities and I want to own them and take more on if my wife needs a rest... .but with her BPD, she is completely low functioning, leaving me to do literally everything around the house, have a job, and take care of our daughter... .as well as meet the never ending and insatiable emotional needs my wife requests of me. I am a full time video editor and work at home... .unfortunately. This leaves her the excuse to lay in bed till 11 after our daughter gets up at 7am. I make our daughter breakfast and play with her till my wife wakes up. She typically turns on the TV and zones out once sh it up. I bring her breakfast/lunch (which she complains about most often... .I am not a good cook and she also requires things to taste good and be healthy) and then put our daughter to sleep for a nap. This then is my first time to work in peace... .but soon enough my wife's emotion needs rush to be filled once I head to my office, feeling as if I am leaving her... .she gives me an endless amount of tasks that often lead me to only working less than and hour during her nap and it is now 1pm... lately I have been validating these tasks, but stating I will get to them once our daughter is awake... .this pisses her off, but what can you do? Depending on my wife's mood, she might take a shower and start the day by 2pm. I try to keep things organized and clean, but honestly I am too stressed to stay on top of it and my wife chews me out and rages about it... .putting herself back on the tv the rest of the day to dull her emotions. The days she does attempt to cook and take care of our daughter, I enjoy, but also despise since as she goes about the house she builds up bitterness as she find how I have kept things... ."why did you fold these clothes this way?" "There is a mountain of laundry here!" "We have no food to cook!" "our floors of so dirty!"... .so back again she goes to her bed and tv... .leaving us alone. As the night drifts closer, I put our daughter to sleep and attempt to engage my wife in conversation... .usually ending in an hour or so with her raging again. Now is when I retreat back to my office at 9 or 10pm to work till 3am and go to bed. It is miserably exhausting and I can't imagine life like this any longer... .all along she continually claims it is my fault our life is like this and I need to find a away to change it and help her.

Does anyone else have an experience like this? How can you cope with it? I am so worried for our daughter for what she is experiencing.

[Chansen]

As a father I know I have responsibilities and I want to own them and take more on if my wife needs a rest... .but with her BPD, she is completely low functioning, leaving me to do literally everything around the house, have a job, and take care of our daughter... .as well as meet the never ending and insatiable emotional needs my wife requests of me. I am a full time video editor and work at home... .unfortunately. This leaves her the excuse to lay in bed till 11 after our daughter gets up at 7am. I make our daughter breakfast and play with her till my wife wakes up. She typically turns on the TV and zones out once sh it up. I bring her breakfast/lunch (which she complains about most often... .I am not a good cook and she also requires things to taste good and be healthy) and then put our daughter to sleep for a nap. This then is my first time to work in peace... .but soon enough my wife's emotion needs rush to be filled once I head to my office, feeling as if I am leaving her... .she gives me an endless amount of tasks that often lead me to only working less than and hour during her nap and it is now 1pm... lately I have been validating these tasks, but stating I will get to them once our daughter is awake... .this pisses her off, but what can you do? Depending on my wife's mood, she might take a shower and start the day by 2pm. I try to keep things organized and clean, but honestly I am too stressed to stay on top of it and my wife chews me out and rages about it... .putting herself back on the tv the rest of the day to dull her emotions. The days she does attempt to cook and take care of our daughter, I enjoy, but also despise since as she goes about the house she builds up bitterness as she find how I have kept things... ."why did you fold these clothes this way?" "There is a mountain of laundry here!" "We have no food to cook!" "our floors of so dirty!"... .so back again she goes to her bed and tv... .leaving us alone. As the night drifts closer, I put our daughter to sleep and attempt to engage my wife in conversation... .usually ending in an hour or so with her raging again. Now is when I retreat back to my office at 9 or 10pm to work till 3am and go to bed. It is miserably exhausting and I can't imagine life like this any longer... .all along she continually claims it is my fault our life is like this and I need to find a away to change it and help her.

Does anyone else have an experience like this? How can you cope with it? I am so worried for our daughter for what she is experiencing.

[flourdust]

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine, although I work out of the home (thank goodness), and my wife has a DBT program and teaches Sunday school, so she has a reason to get up 4 days/week. She also is responsible for picking our daughter up after school and taking care of her until I get home. Otherwise, she sleeps in, does little around the house, and is emotionally needy and abusive.

What have I done to survive? Disengage. I take care of the important things -- parenting, work, household chores, cooking, bills. I don't have the patience or energy to be my wife's therapist-slash-punching bag after doing all of that.

[bravhart1]

Hi,

Your stories sound much like the ones my now husband would tell me about what life was like trying to stay with his ex gf and mother of his then toddler. He was with her ten years. Child was two and a half when he finally got her out of his house. We think she intended to come back or be begged to come back and was very angry to find he didn't let her come back.

He worked seven days a week, long days, from eight till seven thirty or later. He would come home to complaints of how hungry she was, there was no food etc., she had no job and put toddler and baby in full time daycare while he was at work ( he dropped her off at daycare on his way to work) he cooked cleaned, did laundry and mom took baby to bed with her and dad slept in another room. She had her days free and a new car in the driveway. She spent her days playing angry birds, Facebook and FarmVille. When she went shopping she was too lazy to even bring bags into the house when she got back and made DH do it when he got home. Many times those bags sat for weeks or months still full. Many times clothes purchased for daughter were outgrown before being unpacked. And of course the whole time she was mean, spiteful, complaining and accusatory. Often physically violent.

I say these things to confirm I get how awful, I get how hard it is/was.

So I am going to broach this delicately... .why do you stay?

DH says he worried over daughters safety if mom got mad (like terrorism?) he was too exhausted and beat down to plan a break up. ( sounds like clear abuse).

He can't really tell me why he stayed for ten years in a horrible relationship. I've never been able to understand. But I would really love to be able to relate somehow to the mindset that goes on when your home life is tragically unfulfilling and abusive and yet you don't do anything to change it. You being the man, like my DH were the one with the job, so the money,the house, the life skills and the motivation.

What makes you stay?

I don't ask to be harsh or judgemental, I have a strong desire to understand and this has been a sore topic with DH. If it's not something you want to address, please just say so and no harm, no foul. I know you posted looking for support. But I hope to understand you better to help you better, as well as my DH.

Thanks