is attention seeking normal for child of BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My gd agreed 13 was always very attention seeking as a little person. It was always look at me when doing anything.  I didn't know if it was her,  part of her Asian upbringing ie worshipping the little one,  the difficulties with her mother or her indulgent parents including my son.

I haven't noticed the look at me syndrome so much lately until last night when it was intrusive and annoying really.  She does however like to be the best at everything ie jumping running drawing et and if you say that someone else is better it seems to bother her although she is getting better at regulating her moods. I noticed recently that even when she plays a game with someone she takes longer at her turn so it is almost a subtle look at me please. She also sometimes teases younger children when playing games with them so they end in tears.

At other times she is wonderful with little ones.

To date we have always looked and validated. Last night it just became annoying! !

Is this normal in a child of a BPD parent or Is this god forbid an early sign of BPD? Do others experience this and if so how do we deal with it? ?

She has come along way in the last few years in regulating her moods being helpful etc and I know alot of her life with mum is not good. It is holidays here at the moment and in her time at mums (who quit her job yet again) it sounds like they have stayed home and watched TV for days on end. A bit sad in lovely summer weather. Does anyone have any answers?

[mother in law]

My gd agreed 13 was always very attention seeking as a little person. It was always look at me when doing anything.  I didn't know if it was her,  part of her Asian upbringing ie worshipping the little one,  the difficulties with her mother or her indulgent parents including my son.

I haven't noticed the look at me syndrome so much lately until last night when it was intrusive and annoying really.  She does however like to be the best at everything ie jumping running drawing et and if you say that someone else is better it seems to bother her although she is getting better at regulating her moods. I noticed recently that even when she plays a game with someone she takes longer at her turn so it is almost a subtle look at me please. She also sometimes teases younger children when playing games with them so they end in tears.

At other times she is wonderful with little ones.

To date we have always looked and validated. Last night it just became annoying! !

Is this normal in a child of a BPD parent or Is this god forbid an early sign of BPD? Do others experience this and if so how do we deal with it? ?

She has come along way in the last few years in regulating her moods being helpful etc and I know alot of her life with mum is not good. It is holidays here at the moment and in her time at mums (who quit her job yet again) it sounds like they have stayed home and watched TV for days on end. A bit sad in lovely summer weather. Does anyone have any answers?

[livednlearned]

BPD does have a lineage... .

With my own son, I think he has a genetic predisposition to be more sensitive than the norm, and was considered "at-risk" for behavioral problems.

I sometimes name and label what's going on with S14, though I have to be in a really centered place to do this, otherwise it doesn't land quite right with him.

For example, if he is doing something that seems connected to strong emotion, I will say, "I notice you are doing xyz. Is there something going on right now that you want to talk about?"

How would that work with your GD?

[mother in law]

Thank you lived n learned. It might work but she is not a big talker about life with her mother. I wish they would get counseling/therapy but both her and her father have refused so far. Unfortunately her father has had his head buried in the sand since leaving as I think it was so traumatic for him.  Exdil was very abusive.

I do think her acting out is in direct correlation to life at mum's house so I will try your suggestion.

[livednlearned]

I do think her acting out is in direct correlation to life at mum's house so I will try your suggestion.

If her dad is depressed and/or has PTSD, or is in any way avoiding his daughter's emotional resiliency, it's possible that GD is not getting much help processing her feelings in either home. Her dad may be providing structure, love, consistency, support. He may not be in a position to see the warning signs, or to have enough emotional distance from the marriage/divorce to help GD figure out healthier coping mechanisms. I don't underestimate the power of that depression/PTSD - it's not easily dismissed or corrected, if that is indeed what is going on for him  :'(

You may be the "sympathetic witness" that GD needs to try and resolve things. You sound very insightful and aware, and clearly love her. How much time do you get to spend with her? Does she respond well to you?

[mother in law]

Hi livednlearned. We get to see gd most weeks and yes she does respond to me most times.  Don't know if it's cause I am a straight talker ( I am a bit black and white but I do set clear boundaries for her and I take little nonsense) or I use humor sometimes or I try to validate her feelings (not always good at this).

I have been reading a bit on this site and her behavior is often described ie controlling in her play with others and having to be the center of attention is part of this. She is getting better at controlling her moods and tantrums but i think others think she is just a pain whereas, as I said to me there is a correlation between her mother's BPD and her behavior. 

1) How do we stop/get her to see that her method of relating to her friends is unacceptable?   How can we teach her otherwise without nagging/punishment?

2) are there any good books for adolescents that will teach her how to cope with bet mother's rages,  no talking,  scapegoating etc.  Her mother is not a mild BPD and I think it's getting worse.

You are probably right that her dad has ptsd . I will try tackle that too! !

[livednlearned]

1) How do we stop/get her to see that her method of relating to her friends is unacceptable?   How can we teach her otherwise without nagging/punishment?

I'm in the throes of this challenge myself. It's tough, tough work -- and the rewards of good role modeling can take a while to show up. Direct lectures don't work (they didn't with me either ) so a lot of it has to get worked out in more skilled ways. Like talking about scenarios in movies, or helping GD with issues you see, or issues she will talk about. Or, if she tries to be controlling with you, bring up how it makes you feel, offer her an alternative way to speak to you. That kind of thing.

With my son, he picked up a lot of self-loathing from having a BPD dad who used shame as a parenting technique. I've had to be more creative and find ways that avoid shaming him. The validating questions section of the book You Don't Have To Make Everything All Better have helped. It was a big  moment when I realized that if I validate him, he will learn to do this in intimate relationships. "How do you think Friend felt when you played your game and he had nothing to do?"

I also put S14 in a skills group with other boys. At a certain point, kids will take what their peers say far more seriously. S14 had greasy hair for a while and I could not get that kid to shampoo his hair properly. I tried everything. Then one of the guys in the skills group made a comment, not a mean one, just a comment about how his hair looked greasy and/or wet. Problem solved. 

2) are there any good books for adolescents that will teach her how to cope with bet mother's rages,  no talking,  scapegoating etc.  Her mother is not a mild BPD and I think it's getting worse.

We have a book list that includes the following:

Book Review: Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=186318.0

Book Review: The Weather House: Living with a Parent with Borderline Personality Disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223218.0

Book Review: In My Corner of the Moon

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209751.0

Book Review: When Parents Have Problems: A Book for Teens and Older Children With an Abusive, Alcoholic, or Mentally Ill Parent

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149775.0

The hard thing about raising kids who may be at risk for BPD traits is that many of the parenting techniques we have in our skill set can't or don't work because they've been used with disastrous results by the BPD parent. I keep coming back to validation because it's the one skill that allows me to use all the other skills -- it evens out the jagged edges of consequences and helps me help S14 regulate his feelings enough so that he is receptive to my parenting. For that, this book is pretty good, although it does tend to linger a bit more on phrases/scenarios with younger kids.

Book Review: The Power of Validation (for parents)

The Power of Validation is detailed resource for parents seeking practical skills for validating their child’s feelings without condoning tantrums, selfishness, or out-of-control behavior. You’ll practice communicating with your child in ways that instantly impact his or her mood and help your child develop the essential self-validating skills that set the groundwork for confidence and self-esteem in adolescence and beyond. For all of us, learning to validate is a useful skill. If we are parents, whether parenting a child with BPD traits, parenting with a BPD partner or ex-partner, or parenting after having been raised by a parent with a PD, validation skills are especially important. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166930.0

Members have also recommended this book too:

Book Review: Brain-based Parenting

The biggest challenge to parents, Hughes and Baylin explain, is learning how to regulate emotions that arise—feeling them deeply and honestly while staying grounded and aware enough to preserve the parent–child relationship. Stress, which can lead to “blocked” or dysfunctional care, can impede our brain’s inherent caregiving processes and negatively impact our ability to do this. While the parent–child relationship can generate deep empathy and the intense motivation to care for our children, it can also trigger self-defensive feelings rooted in our early attachment relationships, and give rise to “unparental” impulses.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195469.0

[Thunderstruck]

Here's what I observed with my SD10 and her sister.

SD10 has been basically raised as an only child by uBPDbm and us. I would describe her as attention seeking. She will say "Hey Thunderstruck" about a hundred times a day to get my attention. I have also noticed that sometimes she reverts to very negative behavior (tantrums, acting out, sometimes even at school) to get attention.

SD10s sister (has a different father, no relation to DH or I) is 12. She has been raised basically as an only child but by uBPDbm's parents. They are very invalidating and probably emotionally abusive. The 12yo has shown her attention seeking behavior with posting provocative selfies and trying to get attention from older boys (17, 18 years old). There are other behaviors, but it seems to me like she is displaying early signs of BPD.

I think to some degree seeking attention and approval is normal in children. It also seems that if they do not receive that from their invalidating/BPD parents then it results in very negative behaviors.