It's a strong word...

[zerk]

Another weekend spent dealing with the tornado of emotions, and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything... .I did finally manage to set a couple of boundaries... .that I won't put up with endless circular arguments... .Told her I'll walk away (a boundary set during a 4 hour "conversation" earlier today) ... .Also told her that if I'm tired and its after 3 am I'm going to sleep regardless of what she needs.  Tiny steps I guess.

Not much to really feel good about though... .The result so far... .She's dysregulated to the point she had to drug herself and pass out... .I'm looking at her feeling sad... .Feeling guilty that earlier tonight I felt nothing but hate... .Hate of what my life has become... .How do I get through the day to day bs without growing to hate her?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

How are you going to enforce these boundaries?

How do I get through the day to day bs without growing to hate her?

By making your life revolve around you and your needs, not simply trying to appease hers. Your life needs to be bigger than BPD, otherwise it consumes you so you can't stop simmering with resentment

[leggomyeggshell]

 I feel the same way that you do about wishing things could be a lot easier.  it just really depends what you had to put up with that makes you feel that way.  I've been to that point after being locked out, police called etc. and just being controlled on a daily basis. somewhere in there is the person you fell in love with... .sometimes a day or two away from each other can help ... . 

[babyducks]

hi zerk,

circular arguments are difficult.  breaking that cycle of conflict is hard at first.   She is not going to willingly leave an argument because she is getting something out of it, a place to dump her negative and painful emotions.   the first couple of times I enforced a boundary of "No I will not go round and round, I need to end this conversation now."  I was literally sick to my stomach.   It got easier and it got better for me.

I am really going to encourage you to read this link.  It helped me an enormous amount.   

How to take a time out

this is a process zerk,  it takes a while.

'ducks

[zerk]

Thanks for the replies everyone... .what I've learned on this site from each one of you has been so helpful... .

@waverider I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to enforce those boundaries... .in fact I feel like I'm losing it a bit... .

We had 3 days in a row --- the entire long weekend --- filled with hurt feelings, harsh words, uncomfortable silences... .until last night... .we're out with a friend (one of the few we still manage to hang out with, I'll refer to him as Joe) and she got upset over me inviting Joe back to our place (he used to be our roommate, he comes over quite often)... .I'm guessing she wanted to talk more, but I wasn't giving her that chance... .I'd taken many timeouts over the course of the day already because I was feeling uneasy with the direction conversations were going.  

She started making under-her-breath comments along the line of "Oh, I guess I'll go home ahead of you two and cleanup the apartment... ." basically, it felt like she was trying to make me feel bad for inviting Joe over... .I got very angry at her, and would have normally been triggered to shout at her... .I didn't... .I turned and walked away.  She walked behind me for a bit, screaming my name, but I kept walking.  I felt like a crazy man, darting down alleyways until I didn't hear her voice anymore.

I walked for miles, called another friend to vent, and walked more.

Until she called me, desperate to get in to the apartment building.  She had lost her keys.  I had to come back.

I realized it for what it was, but gave in.  I called a Lyft, came back, unlocked the door, packed a bag, and left.  I went over to Joe's house (I worked it out with him in advance that it was ok to come by if we were having problems.)  And... .went out and got sloppy drunk with him... .yeah, not a good coping mechanism, I know... .

She managed to lock herself out again last night... .and had to come over to Joe's to get the spare key he keeps for us... .Lucky(?) for me, I had already passed out, so I didn't have to talk to her while I was drunk... .that never goes well... .to the point that I almost never drink anymore.  (Which may be the only benefit I can think of to her dysregulating.)

Conveniently, she found her keys today... .in our building's parking garage... .I don't want to think that she lied twice to me about the keys, and she does lose things a lot, but it doesn't feel right to me.