Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:30:29 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Hey guys, remember me?  (Read 392 times)
walbsy7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 3.5 years
Posts: 82


WWW
« on: January 18, 2016, 03:24:59 PM »

Hey,

I was on here quite extensively a few months ago, then had shifted towards other things (sort of by default). Basically, I was able to get my wife to see a therapist (turned out horrible). I was seeing a therapist in the same practice. Prior to the first meetings (there were about 3-4 sessions each between my wife and I and our respective therapists), I told them I suspected that she has BPD. Anyway, a few weeks later, I texted my therapist for help, perhaps to have her therapist call her and check in on her to see how she was doing because my uBPDw was calling my work and defacing my character to them. My wife found this highly inappropriate and called it cheating and unprofessional by the therapist. I got to the point with my therapist that she recommended us going to couples counceling because we were at a "dead end" in our sessions, and our problems would need resolution in a group session, not individual counceling. My wife called the therapist group and bad mouthed them and trashed them, and basically they said we can not see you anymore because your situation is to messed up. (not exact words, but pretty close). They said I can recommend you to other well known marriage councellers in the area, but she never did that.  About a month or 2 has gone by since then now, I had went to the police about the harrassing my work and defacing my character, but they could not do anything about it because I was to afraid to tell them the actual illegal things she was doing to me (I do not want to hurt her, I love her and care about her and she is the mother of my child, etc... .she is an amazing person and so awesome when she is regulated). However like the typical rollercoaster, we hit another big turn and loop-de-loop and whatnot, and I am just so over it. I tell her she has BPD and I want to help her, she says it is wrong for me to do that (probably true, but I try to come from a good position). I held it in for so long my suspicions and ran out of avenues to try, so I said I am going to say it. She is so adament that she does not have it. She tells me her therapist said she didnt, that I was crazy and the relationship was 80% my fault. She tells me her mom says she doesnt have it, etc. She is reallllly set in her ways about it. However the same issues come up all the time... .bringing up issues from 3 yrs ago about small/medium/large things. Never forgiving. Getting stressed easily. Abandonment issues. Rage. etc. Things are good for 2 days here, 5 days there, whatever. I am really getting tired of it. She knows it. Her latest thing is if you just showed me you loved me, acted romantic, showed me you were attracted to me, everything would be fixed. I tell her that is not the issue. You would know all of those things, and I would fulfill everything you need if you didnt rage and act like a b___ all the time. That turns me off.

Anyway, that is what the topic is now. A month from now it will be something else in the cycle.

Point is, she will not see a therapist. She will not accept the possibility she has BPD (or something else). I need to change. It is me in her eyes. The issue I have is that I change here, change there (not always consistant, but I try). I know I will continue to bend over backwards and then something else will be the issue. For instance, I will keep changing something else and failing 1 time, and that will be another blow in my trust with her (or lack there of).

What the hell do I do. I am physically deteriorated. I am mentally deteriorated. I am losing myself. I lost my family already. I know everything would be perfect in my life if she acted "normal".
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2016, 03:48:34 PM »

Nothing is easy about being with these people, most of the time from my experience.  She sounds very similar to my pwBPD.  Also I know what you mean about things could be so much better for both of you if only the person didn't have these episodes.  It's like the greatness of the world stating you in the face but you cannot reach out and grab it.  Obviously you have said some things that according to the prevailing wisdom you aren't supposed to say to them, as have I from time to time.  Apparently they aren't able to control their feelings which have usually nothing to do with you and then they project these feelings onto you, convincing you it was something you said that caused it when it was actually independent of that.  For this reason you are supposed to first validate their emotion then attempt to walk away when it continues.  I haven't tried that enough so that is going to be my latest approach.
Logged
walbsy7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 3.5 years
Posts: 82


WWW
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2016, 04:01:53 PM »

Nothing is easy about being with these people, most of the time from my experience.  She sounds very similar to my pwBPD.  Also I know what you mean about things could be so much better for both of you if only the person didn't have these episodes.  It's like the greatness of the world stating you in the face but you cannot reach out and grab it.  Obviously you have said some things that according to the prevailing wisdom you aren't supposed to say to them, as have I from time to time.  Apparently they aren't able to control their feelings which have usually nothing to do with you and then they project these feelings onto you, convincing you it was something you said that caused it when it was actually independent of that.  For this reason you are supposed to first validate their emotion then attempt to walk away when it continues.  I haven't tried that enough so that is going to be my latest approach.

I have deviated from the validation efforts slightly and I do need to practice that more. I know I should not have said she may have BPD, and I regret it, but I also dont at the same time. I had nowhere else to turn. I was hoping that a) she would listen and consider it, or b) perhaps look it up and do research on it and maybe self evaluate herself. I dont know... .none of that worked haha. I guess my hopes were at 5% when I said it. She is so anti medication because of past experiences that she typically thinks the only way to heal mental illnesses is through medication.

I think my next step when she gets violent, perhaps hitting me or breaking things in the apartment, is to call the police. This seems so logical, but I do not know why I am scared. We do not have a lot of money, and we have a 15mo old. I have no family help from either side closer than 1000 miles.  I do not want to cut off my nose to spite my face and dig myself into a deeper hole by doing it. Thoughts?
Logged
leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2016, 04:11:39 PM »

Physical abuse is something I thankfully haven't had to put up with with her but I think that would really bother me if she did that.  But on the other hand calling the police right now will also screw over your situation.  Maybe that is why it has gone to the level of physical abuse, because she knows you cannot call the police.  I really don't know what to say except maybe possibly try to get out of the house more often and try to come up with a backup plan of where you can go in case the whole situation goes south.
Logged
TheRealJongoBong
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2016, 10:07:38 AM »

Excerpt
I know everything would be perfect in my life if she acted "normal".

You know that's not going to happen, right? As long as she remains in denial nothing is going to change with her behavior.
Logged
walbsy7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 3.5 years
Posts: 82


WWW
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2016, 03:58:06 PM »

Excerpt
I know everything would be perfect in my life if she acted "normal".

You know that's not going to happen, right? As long as she remains in denial nothing is going to change with her behavior.

Wow honesty hurts...


Anyway, you understand what I am saying. Many people who suffer have straightened themselves out to lead "normal" lives. I just do not know how to get there. I know I can not control it but maybe I can influence something... .
Logged
TheRealJongoBong
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2016, 11:15:23 AM »

Please accept my apologies on being so abrupt. It's not helpful, especially considering our audience. Some days it's easier, some days it's not, and I've been having a week full of not's.
Logged
Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2016, 06:57:37 PM »

A lot of people here have managed to use the tools here, and it's created a big difference in their lives with pwBPD. I haven't had as much success, and I think it's because it also depends on how high/low functioning your pwBPD is.

I'm sure that part of this equation also has to do with how well the non uses the tools too, but I think even if you use the tools perfectly(not that there is truly such a thing), if you have a highly reactionary, low functioning pwBPD, you obviously aren't going to get the results of a non who is very skilled at the tools, and has a high functioning pwBPD. Or if the pwBPD is working their issues, and making an effort themselves.

I think we do the best we can, and we all have our own issues too. Sometimes, dealing with pwBPD can make our own issues worse(in my case it made my anxiety worse), or it can give you issues you hadn't had before. It's not easy living with someone with a PD, or an addiction. I always think living with someone with BPD is probably somewhat like living with someone with an addiction, and both seem to often present with denial, at least initially. Both can be treated, but it's not an easy road, and it affects the whole family.

Hugs to you, it is a hard place to be. Loving someone with BPD is often heartbreaking as we seem to want more peace for them than they want for themselves.
Logged
walbsy7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 3.5 years
Posts: 82


WWW
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2016, 03:24:26 PM »

A lot of people here have managed to use the tools here, and it's created a big difference in their lives with pwBPD. I haven't had as much success, and I think it's because it also depends on how high/low functioning your pwBPD is.

I'm sure that part of this equation also has to do with how well the non uses the tools too, but I think even if you use the tools perfectly(not that there is truly such a thing), if you have a highly reactionary, low functioning pwBPD, you obviously aren't going to get the results of a non who is very skilled at the tools, and has a high functioning pwBPD. Or if the pwBPD is working their issues, and making an effort themselves.

I think we do the best we can, and we all have our own issues too. Sometimes, dealing with pwBPD can make our own issues worse(in my case it made my anxiety worse), or it can give you issues you hadn't had before. It's not easy living with someone with a PD, or an addiction. I always think living with someone with BPD is probably somewhat like living with someone with an addiction, and both seem to often present with denial, at least initially. Both can be treated, but it's not an easy road, and it affects the whole family.

Hugs to you, it is a hard place to be. Loving someone with BPD is often heartbreaking as we seem to want more peace for them than they want for themselves.

My father had alcoholism for 20 years and died at the age of 51, just last year. That was hard, and I understand the addiction and how it works. I do subconciously treat this BPD situation in a similar way. I know it is not "her", it is her "addiction" (BPD). It is so difficult when I am the only one to blame for EVERYTHING (in her eyes). I think even if we just had better communication I would feel better about it. She is the only one that can speak, and once she says what she needs (after 5 minutes of high tone talking (basically rambling)), she shuts down and will not listen to anything I have to say.

SO FRUSTRATING!

If I can just walk her to the "bridge of equal blame"... .and take her half way across it and open her eyes... .how nice that would be.

On a side note, anyone ever feel like the pwBPD in their life complains about x. y, and z... .but if they just stopped complaining than they would naturally get x y and z and that they would be happy?
Logged
walbsy7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 3.5 years
Posts: 82


WWW
« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2016, 03:29:59 PM »

Another thing, my uBPDw says, very adamantly, that she does not have BPD, everyone sees she doesnt, everyone understands it, and I say it to get under her skin and to label her. (really I said it about 3 separate occasions when I had nowhere else to go or turn to). She tells me she has looked it up (i believe that to be false), and that she doesnt have it. She says she acts like she does because of how her parents were to her, and what I did to her after knowing how rough her childhood was. She says she doesnt have anything.

Well hello? BPD is something "acquired" through life experiences and is a natural adaptive way of thinking and coping. By her saying that, she is admitting that she acts crazy and reckless and has fears of x y and z, but does not want to put 2 and 2 together. I think she really fears the stigma associated with BPD. She honestly does not even know what BPD is, just see's personality disorder and she shuts down into a defensive position (or offensive, depending on how you look at it haha).
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!