Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 12:39:52 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My boundaries are backfiring  (Read 749 times)
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« on: January 18, 2016, 06:29:23 PM »

Need help with a boundary enforcement: When my uBPDbf gets mean, rude, screams, or I start to feel uncomfortable, I choose to leave (or hang up). I try to do this before my own anxiety spikes. Better to disengage than wait for things to escalate.

This worked well with his explosive anger and yelling. Got to where the threat of leaving would be enough to calm him down quickly. Now he isn't as explosive around me. Almost worse. The yelling is obvious why I leave, even to him. The passive aggressive hostility toward me is less obvious - he remains calm while saying mean things now. So he doesn't understand why I would leave when he gets that way. After all, he isn't yelling.

I think leaving may be triggering his abandonment fears. Last few times I've left has made him re-think whether we should stay together. He sees it as my "storming off" no matter how polite or calm I exit the situation. Then, he starts talking about breaking up.

He told me HE feels like he's having to walk on eggshells around me? So clearly, I'm doing something wrong! Am I being too rigid? I thought it was a simple boundary... .I stay when he's not being a d*ck. I leave when he is. Most of the time I can let it roll off. These are the times when I can't, or he's pushed it. How can I leave without risking the r/s ending?

I did this over the weekend. Now he's gone cold. When he calls next I would like to explain to him why I left but can't think of a way without JADE or making him defensive?  Makes sense that a person wouldn't want to be around someone being mean, right? But he doesn't see it as long as he isn't yelling. All he sees is my leaving. Any advice?
Logged

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2016, 06:39:43 PM »

I get the "storming off" comment too, usually when I'm just leaving the room to do something else, like put clothes in the dryer. Lately I've started identifying my departures, like when we're watching TV in his studio. "I'm going to medicate the cat." or "I'm going to brush my teeth."

It's a one way street because he feels fine just abruptly leaving the room and it's not an issue for me. However, when I do it, if I don't identify where I'm going or what I'm planning to do, then he attaches some weird emotion that he supposes I'm feeling and I'm "storming off" or I "can't wait to leave" or some other such nonsense. I realize that sometimes it triggers me like he's a control freak, but that's not really where it's coming from--it's more like it triggers his abandonment issues.

Sorry I can't be of more assistance.

Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2016, 06:40:55 PM »

One thing I have concluded over a ten year period with the pwBPD is that the ever-present threat of leaving, while it does always still get me emotionally, is a bluff.  First of all, the person has such low empathy that if they really wanted to paint you black and leave you they would have done it already.  Once i started realizing that, I would not get as upset about the constant threats of leaving.  Someone on here said that they say that so that they can keep you in line.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2016, 06:51:47 PM »

Another thing, my husband seems to think the nasty passive aggressive comments that he makes carry no emotional weight because he said them in a calm manner and it must be my issue if I'm taking anything negative from a perfectly innocent comment. I often wonder how much self awareness he has about the things he says because they're often so inflammatory. I saw that when his sister visited and he spoke about how she "goes off" on him. The whole time she was here, she was pleasant and accommodating to him. If she ever "went off" it would have had to be on the few times the two of them were alone in the car. Somehow I doubt that she did. Yet I overheard him make some very passive aggressive statements to her and she just let them slide.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2016, 07:10:15 PM »

Thanks Cat. Helps knowing it's not just me! Come to think of it, when I got up to go to the kitchen that night, he looked panicked, asked where I was going. I said to get a drink, offered to get him one. No response. He went back to staring at his phone. Same when I went to the bathroom. On some level, he had to know he was being ugly... .he normally doesn't ask that. Only so many places I could go in his place! That's why going home is my best and only last resort option.

Thanks Leggo. I agree with that. It's just that feeling that you never know if this time, they mean it. And even though this probably isn't the end, there's still the awkward silent treatment that follows. I'm left with 2 options: stay and take it or leave and deal with the fallout.

Logged

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2016, 07:14:01 PM »

Throughout our entire relationship, my ex-husband threatened to leave me, not just leave, but take all our money and just disappear one day--not that we had any money to speak of.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Also, he threatened suicide regularly--see suicide thread. 

I was the one who left him. And didn't regret it for a minute.  Being cool (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2016, 07:27:51 PM »

Thanks Leggo. I agree with that. It's just that feeling that you never know if this time, they mean it. And even though this probably isn't the end, there's still the awkward silent treatment that follows. I'm left with 2 options: stay and take it or leave and deal with the fallout.

I've spent many nights wondering if "this time" was the time she would make good on her threat to leave.  Every time it has turned out this was an idle threat I should have known was a complete bluff.  Now when it happens I can tell myself this is just a bluff.  In the past she has cheated but it was never at a time when she threatened to break up.

Regarding options you have now, that is the same option we are all faced with on this board.
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2016, 08:54:23 PM »

Is there any way to avoid the fallout from this boundary? Just the cold silent treatment and wait for him to re-regulate? I don't want to deal with his dysregulation. I do my part to keep things calm, but I can't always. It's those rare occasions that I need the boundary. It's either when I can't brush it off, or he won't let up. Other than this time and once a few weeks ago, I haven't had to do this in almost a year. December-February are difficult months for us, historically. Not sure why, other than crummy weather.

I want to make it work better. Formflier suggested enforcing it sooner, not waiting for things to get worse. But most of the time things calm down enough so there's no need to leave. His pissy moods don't bother me too much anymore, but being picked on relentlessly does.

He texted me tonight "Hope you are ok". I replied "Yes, hope you had a nice day." He says "Thanks", then nothing. All sounds pleasant enough, but it's cold and distant for him. He usually will call or text and rattle off every detail of his day - gives me plenty of material to validate. Can't do that when he's pouting.
Logged

leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2016, 09:28:17 PM »

Since I am online I will respond.  You enforced a boundary of walking away.  He responded hours later saying "hope you are ok".  That would be a good sign if I received it.  The text that would worry me is if they said "you are a [insert insult here]."  You did the right thing.  If he was yelling/insulting you and you walked away it was the right thing to do regardless of the "fallout".  Maybe he will learn from that.  I would say enjoy your night without stressifying about this anymore.  Everything will be fine tomorrow or the next day.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2016, 10:01:54 PM »

I want to make it work better. Formflier suggested enforcing it sooner, not waiting for things to get worse. But most of the time things calm down enough so there's no need to leave. His pissy moods don't bother me too much anymore, but being picked on relentlessly does.

I kind of blend these together, by actioning it earlier it becomes less of a boundary and more of a disengage or deflection.  The problem with boundaries is that it is a slap in the face to someone, so the natural reaction is indignation and defensiveness. Often with pwBPD it becomes stubborn passive aggression (getting the sneaky point in if you like). Boundaries do take a while to become the norm at first it will seem like it is often more trouble that it is worth at times.

Due to the saving face required it is best not to rub it in that you enforced a boundary, ie no reprisals
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
unicorn2014
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2016, 12:22:37 AM »

This worked well with his explosive anger and yelling. Got to where the threat of leaving would be enough to calm him down quickly. Now he isn't as explosive around me. Almost worse. The yelling is obvious why I leave, even to him. The passive aggressive hostility toward me is less obvious - he remains calm while saying mean things now. So he doesn't understand why I would leave when he gets that way. After all, he isn't yelling.

Does he need to understand anymore then the following? He is saying mean things to you, you are leaving so you don't hear mean things being said to you.

I think leaving may be triggering his abandonment fears. Last few times I've left has made him re-think whether we should stay together. He sees it as my "storming off" no matter how polite or calm I exit the situation. Then, he starts talking about breaking up.

That sounds like a person with a disorder trying to take control of the situation by threatening to leave the relationship.

He told me HE feels like he's having to walk on eggshells around me? So clearly, I'm doing something wrong! Am I being too rigid? I thought it was a simple boundary... .I stay when he's not being a d*ck. I leave when he is. Most of the time I can let it roll off. These are the times when I can't, or he's pushed it. How can I leave without risking the r/s ending?

I'm wondering where he learned that phrase, walking on eggshells? You have every right to leave when someone says mean things to you. Are you saying that the only way for the relationship to continue is for you to stay around for him to say mean things to you?

I did this over the weekend. Now he's gone cold. When he calls next I would like to explain to him why I left but can't think of a way without JADE or making him defensive?  Makes sense that a person wouldn't want to be around someone being mean, right? But he doesn't see it as long as he isn't yelling. All he sees is my leaving. Any advice?

Does he ask you why you left?
Logged
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2016, 03:17:45 AM »

Jessica. I have dealt with this situation before and rather than say I am leaving I would make excuses that I was going to the shop or just nipping out somewhere briefly. Or I have just done something of my own for 10 mins. I've always found that this was enough for him to feel slightly abandoned and snap him out of that mood. If he is pushing and pulling I also do this by putting some distance between us without actually fully leaving to go home. It's worked for me Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
TheRealJongoBong
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2016, 09:15:43 AM »

Excerpt
I get the "storming off" comment too, usually when I'm just leaving the room to do something else, like put clothes in the dryer. Lately I've started identifying my departures, like when we're watching TV in his studio. "I'm going to medicate the cat." or "I'm going to brush my teeth."

and

Excerpt
I have dealt with this situation before and rather than say I am leaving I would make excuses that I was going to the shop or just nipping out somewhere briefly.

These two ideas are really good. I made the mistake last night of walking out of the kitchen and going to the garage without saying anything (other than, a few minutes earlier, saying I was going to go to the garage). My wife interpreted the move as me leaving "in a fit of anger" and then conjuring up all sorts of "feel bads" from it. Had I reminded her immediately before leaving of my mission I think this could have been averted.

It's also a good idea to have a few tasks ready to "I'm going to do this... ." for those occasions when it's time to get out.
Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2016, 09:18:42 AM »

Thanks everyone. Helps so much to come here and get different perspectives. The forest gets lost staring at the same tree!

Leggo - You're right. I am probably overthinking it. In a way, I am enjoying the peace and quiet. Beats arguing. Just wish things could return to normal faster, without the instant breakup threats, followed by extended silent treatment. Wishful thinking.

Waverider - thank you, good advice as always. It hadn't occurred to me how leaving would feel like a "slap in the face" to him. I see that now. No regrets, but it gives me an idea of how to soften the blow next time and validate that hurt this time. Thank you! I won't talk about my boundaries. He doesn't need to see my playbook, wouldn't understand it anyway.

Unicorn - When he asked why I was leaving, I told him because I don't want to argue. He says "I'm just watching the game. I don't know what you're doing." Like he's innocent and not trying to pick a fight. It's all me, overreacting. That's ok with me. Whatever makes him feel better. I just know it was time to go.

Lou - Thanks for the tips. I've done these things too, but I couldn't think of anywhere I could justify going at that hour - pretty late to go shopping, or grab a bite since we already ate. Tried playing on my phone for distraction, but I caught him studying my every move, glaring at me. He was ignoring me or pouncing on every word I said. Then he was pouncing on me for not saying anything. It was lose-lose with no end in sight. Got home, ahhhhhh, no man insulting me. Home sweet home. Peace.   Then, here come the texts... . 
Logged

Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2016, 04:21:41 PM »

 Thought UPDATE  Thought

He came over and... .apologized. 

He was glum and sad-looking. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said yes and no, that he didn't want to talk about it but wanted to resolve things. He started with "Before you say anything nice to me... ."

Then I couldn't believe my ears. He said I had every right to leave. That any woman would have. And that other women have. "Not the first time I've been left on a Saturday night." He said he had a hard week and took it out on me, no excuse, wanted to take responsibility. (I started to respond, he stopped me) He went on to say he knows he was and IS an a$$hole (repeated this word over and over).

THEN... .he suggested a "code word" before leaving -- if either one of us feels the need to go cool off that we use the words "I need a time-out" and the other not make it into a "big catastrophic thing". Asked if that would work for me. Uhhh, yeah dude, my boundary works for me  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  He seemed happy he came up with that. He doesn't know it's a boundary, but found a way to tweak it so it works for him. That is huge! Then he asked for a hug. After that, we went to lunch and had a normal conversation.

Holy cow. Did that really just happen?    

I've read about things like this happening, but can't say I've ever experienced it in BPD land.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2016, 04:27:24 PM »

Thought UPDATE  Thought

He came over and... .apologized. 

He was glum and sad-looking. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said yes and no, that he didn't want to talk about it but wanted to resolve things. He started with "Before you say anything nice to me... ."

Then I couldn't believe my ears. He said I had every right to leave. That any woman would have. And that other women have. "Not the first time I've been left on a Saturday night." He said he had a hard week and took it out on me, no excuse, wanted to take responsibility. (I started to respond, he stopped me) He went on to say he knows he was and IS an a$$hole (repeated this word over and over).

THEN... .he suggested a "code word" before leaving -- if either one of us feels the need to go cool off that we use the words "I need a time-out" and the other not make it into a "big catastrophic thing". Asked if that would work for me. Uhhh, yeah dude, my boundary works for me  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  He seemed happy he came up with that. He doesn't know it's a boundary, but found a way to tweak it so it works for him. That is huge! Then he asked for a hug. After that, we went to lunch and had a normal conversation.

Holy cow. Did that really just happen?    

I've read about things like this happening, but can't say I've ever experienced it in BPD land.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Boundaries are gold, but it takes a deal of brinkmanship to carry them through at times. It is a good example of why they need to be about really important issues to you in order to stick by them long enough. How many times in the past would you have caved at the 11th hour?

The important thing now is not to hold grudges or feel smug, he is in a place now where you need him to want to be without feeling like he has his tail between his legs.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2016, 04:37:47 PM »

The important thing now is not to hold grudges or feel smug, he is in a place now where you need him to want to be without feeling like he has his tail between his legs.

How would you suggest this? He did seem like he had his tail between his legs. I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells. I know how awful that feels. He even stopped himself from looking at his phone. Apologized, said that was one of the things that made me mad. I wasn't mad about that. I don't want him thinking he can't look at his phone!

The truth is, I don't need this "timeout" very often anymore. Like I said, twice this month already, but before that almost a year. In the beginning it was constantly.
Logged

unicorn2014
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2016, 04:58:25 PM »

Then I couldn't believe my ears. He said I had every right to leave. That any woman would have. And that other women have. "Not the first time I've been left on a Saturday night." He said he had a hard week and took it out on me, no excuse, wanted to take responsibility. (I started to respond, he stopped me) He went on to say he knows he was and IS an a$$hole (repeated this word over and over).

Not to rain on your parade, and I am coming from the undecided and not the staying perspective, but I would caution you to get too relaxed. I've heard the exact same words from my guy and they haven't prevented dysregulations.

THEN... .he suggested a "code word" before leaving -- if either one of us feels the need to go cool off that we use the words "I need a time-out" and the other not make it into a "big catastrophic thing". Asked if that would work for me. Uhhh, yeah dude, my boundary works for me  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  He seemed happy he came up with that. He doesn't know it's a boundary, but found a way to tweak it so it works for him. That is huge! Then he asked for a hug. After that, we went to lunch and had a normal conversation.

Again, not to rain on your parade, but I would caution you against letting your guard down too far. Again, my guy said the exact same thing to me, I kid you not, about a safe word. The last time my guy pulled a major dysregulation he scared himself so he called one of his therapists and his therapist suggested using a safe word before he got too dyregulated. The thing is that means I'm (and you're) depending on him/them to hold the line. I don't know about you, but that doesn't work for me.
Logged
unicorn2014
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2016, 05:00:16 PM »

Unicorn - When he asked why I was leaving, I told him because I don't want to argue. He says "I'm just watching the game. I don't know what you're doing." Like he's innocent and not trying to pick a fight. It's all me, overreacting. That's ok with me. Whatever makes him feel better. I just know it was time to go.

Are you sure he didn't know? I'm guessing that he knew why you were leaving. What about simply saying "I need to go" without an explanation? I think the point of you going is to make yourself feel better, yes?

Logged
Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2016, 05:13:12 PM »

Yes Unicorn, I believe he knew. He was being passive aggressive. Thank you for your concerns. I agree with you about keeping my guard up. I know this could all backfire. He could resent me for "giving in". Whatever steps I can take out of that direction, I would like to. Doing my best here. It's a wait and see.

For now, I am relieved to see the ST periods are getting shorter, and the dysregulations are getting less intense. I accept they won't go away entirely. But I am happy things are improving overall. A year ago, this would've shattered like glass in my face. Smaller offenses have led to much worse.

I'll take progress in baby steps.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged

unicorn2014
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2016, 05:31:34 PM »

Yes Unicorn, I believe he knew. He was being passive aggressive. Thank you for your concerns. I agree with you about keeping my guard up. I know this could all backfire. He could resent me for "giving in". Whatever steps I can take out of that direction, I would like to. Doing my best here. It's a wait and see.

I am glad my assessment is on the mark Smiling (click to insert in post) Just take care of yourself because you know he can't when he's dysregulated because of his disorder. I think if you have firm boundaries around taking care of yourself that's the best thing you can do.

Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2016, 06:38:32 PM »

The important thing now is not to hold grudges or feel smug, he is in a place now where you need him to want to be without feeling like he has his tail between his legs.

How would you suggest this? He did seem like he had his tail between his legs. I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells. I know how awful that feels. He even stopped himself from looking at his phone. Apologized, said that was one of the things that made me mad. I wasn't mad about that. I don't want him thinking he can't look at his phone!

The truth is, I don't need this "timeout" very often anymore. Like I said, twice this month already, but before that almost a year. In the beginning it was constantly.

Tail between his legs is probably him wanting you to validate that things are ok, possibly even provoking you into saying its not his fault (reverse psychology).

I wouldn't bring it up except maybe to put positives on the now. Not on the act of apologizing, just what you are doing thats good now. Dont try to make a lesson of it, as Unicorn suggest he is probably fully aware of it. Adding anything else just clouds the issue and allows a path for projection of responsibility, as you start to apologize in return for being too sensitive/reactive etc...
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
flourdust
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
Posts: 1663



« Reply #22 on: January 19, 2016, 07:46:32 PM »

I hope things do get better. Even a little bit.

I agree with the caution about being too optimistic about the "safe word." With my BPDw, any rules go right out the window when dysregulation hits.
Logged

Jessica84
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2016, 10:26:37 PM »

Yeah I don't exactly trust this specific language I'm supposed to use without any backlash - if he's triggered, I doubt any words will matter. I'm just grateful for these moments of clarity when he has them. I'm even grateful for the mistakes I make so I can learn from them. Very grateful for this forum!

For now, things are ok. Smiling (click to insert in post) I have to appreciate these times. Can't live my life constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Waverider, thank you so much for the follow-up advice. I actually did want to start down the path of apologizing for being sensitive or reactive! That would've been a bad move because I think what he needed was to own it - letting him off the hook would've been invalidating. Spoke to him since and he was himself again - wagging tail and all. We never discussed it any further, and I don't intend to bring it up. It was never my goal to teach him a lesson, only to protect myself with minimal damage to our relationship.
Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2016, 01:26:33 AM »

safe word negotiations can be used to negate the use of boundaries, and a lever to put blame on you because you never used the safe word.

Make sure any boundaries are independent and not conditional on anything else
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Lou12
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 334


« Reply #25 on: January 21, 2016, 06:50:08 AM »

Wow Jessica! I think that is a great step in the right direction. Considering his behaviours a year ago to where they are now, well you can't help but be happy with that.

I am delighted for you. And yes as everyone says it could be very short lived but you know what... .if you don't pat yourself on the back when some progress is made then what's the whole point of it anyway. Bask in the glory until another episode comes
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!