Dealing with being low priority...

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm assuming that pwBPD have issues with priorities. I know BPDh does, at least. Maybe it's not a BPD trait per se, but it's made for a lot of issues. I think it's come into play in his job, and certainly in our relationship. He's also very impulsive, and is now regretting his car choice.

The current issue is that I made plans with him tonight, and he just texted cancelling them. This has been a frequent occurrence. Also, he will make plans with other people, yet I can not get him to make plans, or a date night for us. I used to plan them, but got tired of them being preempted by people he'd rather do things with. Now, I know he loves me(as much as he'd able), but he really, really takes me for granted, and doesn't seem to see how cancelling our plans, or not making plans for us, really sends a negative message to me.

I've told him it makes me FEEL unimportant, and like I'm last priority to him. He actually validated today, via text, that he can see how he'd feel that way if I often did that to him, and he realizes he's done it a lot. Okay, that's GREAT, and I can see what a big step that is for him, but why is he still doing it? Is it just words to placate me? Agreeing to get his own selfish way?

How do you connect with someone that doesn't need to feel connected? All he needs to feel connected is sex, and that doesn't do it for ME. He knows this, we've had calm talks about it, but he just seems to lack the need for connection with ME, but he craves it with others(ie: his kids, and friends). His Dad and siblings, are sort of lumped into the same boat as me: taken for granted, and not as high priority. I just don't get it.

So, as he's going out with a friend tonight, cancelling our plans to take his friend up on last minute "lets go out" plans, I'm making plans of my own! Not as a way to "get even", but as a way to keep my mind off his disregard, and to let him know I WILL NOT just sit around and wait for him to come home to give me scraps of attention. I love him, and things are getting some better, but I'm also seeing that I am getting stronger?

I'm no longer willing to just sit around, feel bad, and wait for when HE wants to engage. I have a life too, and I'm going to live it. I feel I'm more than worth keeping plans with, spending time with, and being made a priority.

Thoughts?

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[Jessica84]

I'm no longer willing to just sit around, feel bad, and wait for when HE wants to engage. I have a life too, and I'm going to live it. I feel I'm more than worth keeping plans with, spending time with, and being made a priority.

That's the spirit!  I know how much it hurts to feel rejected by someone you love, who claims to love you. I used to have the same problem. The invites, then the un-vites. The last minute cancellations. The better offers. The "I'm not in a good mood tonight. Let's try tomorrow" texts. It used to really hurt me. I felt last on his list, like leftovers, at his whim.

I don't know when or how this changed, but it stopped bothering me. Now when he cancels, I think awesome, now I can get my nails done! Or ooh, I'll call my friend. Haven't talked to her in awhile. Or no biggie, I'll chill at home and take a nice bubble bath then curl up with a good book. All things I couldn't have done if I was with him. I'd still rather he not "unvite" me, but I don't count on him as much. I don't take it personal. I take it as an opportunity to do something else I want. Feels pretty good. Stretch your wings and fly again!

Funny thing happened. The more I did what I wanted, the more plans he made to spend time with me, and kept them. Almost to the point where I started missing all that good me time. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I went and visited my son, and my parents, and had a good day. When I got home, BPDh was home, which was fine until he asked me where I'd been and what I'd done. Now, this has become an issue in our marriage, because he acts as if he doesn't trust me. This started after he left me, slept with someone, then we reconciled. I consider it that he cheated, especially as he'd been telling me for months prior to leaving, that he wanted to "sleep around"(major dysreg time). Once we reconciled, I was hurt by his cheating(he doesn't think of it as cheating, I do), but I chose to trust him, and never questioned in a suspicious way, or thought he would do it again.

I think since he was cheated on by his ex, and she left him, he expects me to do the same? Or since he slept with someone else, maybe he's projecting onto me? I don't know, but I didn't like him grilling me. A guy I'd platonically dated during our separation texted me, I showed BPDh the texts. I've been totally open, honest, and loyal. All while BPDh uses divorce threats, and his level of commitment waffles.

The low priority thing stinks, but I felt I dealt with it pretty well, and had a good day, but being questioned when I got home sort of stinks. I feel he's doing it to get me to stop going out. It's like he wants me to sit around, feel bad, and just always be there the instant he gets home. He wants me when he wants me, and the rest of the time, he just wants me to be quiet. I'm not willing to do that anymore.

I'm going to keep having an active life, and it's not just going to revolve solely around him. Why would I do that for someone who puts ME pretty low on his list of priorities?

Jessica84: I'm hoping that doing things I enjoy leads to the same results it did for you. I'd love it if he stopped cancelling plans, and stopped taking me for granted. A few years back, I couldn't have enjoyed myself after he did this, but now I shrug it off, and make a point to enjoy "me" time.

[formflier]

 

You'll have to figure out how much information you want to share with your hubby about your private time with other people, and then stick to it.

Be very nonchalant about it, don't fight or assert your right to privacy.  Maybe assert it once and then hush.

I think it would interesting to say "I had an awesome time with Pat (or whatever the name).  We discussed some interesting things I would like to discuss with you.  I'm available tomorrow night after 6pm if you can take me to dinner.  Looking forward to our conversation"

Put him in the pickle of keeping plans with you versus knowing details about your night out.

FF