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Author Topic: Kicked out of the bedroom again  (Read 496 times)
Icthelight
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« on: January 20, 2016, 10:15:52 AM »

No major dysregulations since our last blowup ended around Thanksgiving. Things have come up since then and could have turned ugly, but I have to credit my new learned responses and techniques to preventing huge fights and long drawn out conflict from taking place.

I've never really focused on her menstrual cycle, but maybe last night, that had something to do with her dysregulation. We went to the bedroom to spend time together and when she got in bed, she said "if we're going to be together, you're going to have to be gentle with me because I'm starting my period (sorry if too much info)." So, I start doing the things that she says she likes, go slow, rub her back, touch her all over, etc. When it's time to kick it up a notch I sense that she's tense, doesn't want to kiss me and is doing the exhaling thing that she does to let me know something is wrong. So, I ask her, what's wrong? (ask or don't ask, it wasn't going to end well either way) She says, "I don't feel like you want me, that you desire me. Your touch is too soft and feels brotherly. I want to feel wanted, touched firmly, I want you to take the lead." I'm thinking, you just said for me to be gentle

Now, I have to confess, I have my hangups because of our history together. Her telling me that she isn't turned on by me, that she's not satisfied sexually, etc. throughout our marriage makes me hesitate and feel uncomfortable when initiating sex. I guess rather than walking on eggshells, I feel like I'm laying on a bed of eggshells and she's underneath it all. I know that's not sexy and I'm working on this. We're talking about it, it's out in the open and hopefully, things will improve in this area.

So, from there, all went south, physically if you know what I mean and emotionally. I tried to hang in there, hug, validate how she doesn't feel desired by me. She brought out the only if Icethelight did this and Icethelight would do that conversation. Always & Never also were invited to the discussion and Circular Argument was there in full force. It was late, so I had to end the discussion. I tried to end the conversation as nicely as possible, but as many of you know, there is never a NICE to ending any discussion with a dysregulated pwBPD. She grunted, inhaled and exhaled a lot to let me know she was not happy. Barely said good night to me.

This morning, I tried to sneak out of bed, but she was in full contempt mode. I immediately thought, FormFlier must be playing a bad joke on me and sent his wife to pay me a visit Smiling (click to insert in post) (Sorry FF, I've been reading your stuff and feel for you. JK JK hang in there). Anyways, she wanted to talk, I told her I only had a few minutes. I warned her so she didn't accuse me of leaving when the conversation got nasty. Well, it got nasty when I told her I had to go and we could continue our discussion later.

She texted me this after I left:

"Plz if u're ever going to take more than a 30 minute break at any one time, don't bother talking to me. I hate when u do this and it seriously feels like u do this all the time lately. So plz don't start anything with me if ur not going to come back within 30 minutes. All u accomplish by doing this is make me feel negative toward u and myself. Do u seriously think I can sleep like this? And it just seems like it's the time u pick most often, when u or I need to sleep, that's when u typically leave. Do u realize how much time that leaves me with raw unresolved bad negative emotions toward u? This does not help our relationship AT ALL. How am I suppose to want to resolve anything with u later? I absolutely hate that u do this. Especially when u know all too well that the thing I need most from u in these times is touch and closeness."

Do you notice that she's picked up on my 30 minute breaks Smiling (click to insert in post) I called her on my way to work and talked to her for over an hour. What struck me during my conversation with her is that I wasn't angry and I was not emotionally attached. She said many things that I find hurtful, but I was not triggered by her. Unfortunately, I had to end the conversation which pissed her off again. This is when she said, "I will not allow you to continue to hurt me like this, I need you out of our bedroom." Normally, I would ask why, get upset, but I just said OK. She said that she does not want to speak to me personally, does not want to see my face she is so angry at me. So, she wants me to call her around noon

I'm feeling calm and actually not bothered as I normally would be feeling right now. However, I'm still dreading talking to her. Any tips or suggestions when I call or talk to her? I don't want to make things worse. Also, I thought about setting a boundary around being kicked out of the bedroom, but this isn't really bothering me right now. I'm actually looking at it as a brief escape. Not sure if I'm setting a bad precedent here.

I already told her that I will be on a tight schedule and have a meeting around 1:00, so I'm sure I will be cutting her monologue short again. I feel that her anger is subsiding slightly, but she can go into a full blown rage in a second.

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TheRealJongoBong
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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2016, 11:22:44 AM »

My wife did this to me so many times, I feel for you. For me it is all cumulative - my emotional state goes into a whirl even thinking about sex anymore.

As for comments or suggestions, all I can say is be patient. She'll get over her snit or she won't. Any method for trying to change things, other than being calm and understanding, is just likely to make things worse.

I noticed early on that my wife's emotional states were closely tied to her cycle, and got decidedly worse as she went through menopause. Pretending your tired and just want to cuddle during that time of the month is often the safest choice.
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Icthelight
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« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2016, 12:01:23 PM »

Thanks for your input Jongo.

I noticed early on that my wife's emotional states were closely tied to her cycle, and got decidedly worse as she went through menopause.

During her rage last night, my uBPDw told me that she believes she is starting menopause early. She has read that women who start menopause early, die younger. The fact that we haven't had an active sex life is my fault and caused her to enter menopause sooner so I am responsible for her shortened lifespan . BTW, I didn't know that she had entered menopause and to my knowledge, no doctor has confirmed this. She is in her early 40s, so I'm not sure how young is too young for menopause.

Pretending your tired and just want to cuddle during that time of the month is often the safest choice.

During her dysregulations, cuddling with a porcupine would probably be less painful for me.

Yup, patience, lots of patience.
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globalnomad
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« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2016, 12:57:16 PM »

I feel for you man. I have dealt with similar issues periodically.

One thing I have set boundaries around recently with some success is that I will not debate my BPD fiance during the workday by text message or phone. If she has an issue, we talk about it when I get home in the evening. No more responding to long abusive text messages and no more phone calls during my work hours. So you might want to try postponing any discussion until the evening. I'd be surprised if there's anything to be gained from talking to her on the phone during your busy workday.

As for being kicked out of the bedroom, I think it's nice you're framing it as a brief respite. The same thing has happened to me and the first time I was outraged. I told her how unfair it was to be kicked out of my own room and so on and so on. Predictable result was it escalated her dysregulation and made the situation worse. The next time it happened I just shrugged and said OK, walked off and slept on the sofa. She woke me up an hour or two later to apologize.

Good luck Smiling (click to insert in post)
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2016, 02:08:09 PM »

Dang guys!  I really sincerely wish I had no idea what in the hell you're talking about but the sad truth is I am way to familiar with this nonsense as well.  I am just getting sick of this whole relationship and its unnecessary difficulties on account of my uBPDw.

What drives us?  Why do we stay?  I mean I love my wife dearly but living with her is 100% sucking the life and happiness from me.  I've read many books, lessons, articles, read an abundance of BPD related material on the web, and reached out for help on forums such as this to attempt to "crack the code" and somehow develop a semi-normal relationship.  Do you think our s/o with BPD has any idea to the amount of effort we exhaust to try to meet up to all the demands placed on us by them and get along with them?  Just when you think things are okay for a second they change the rules and here we are quickly trying to adapt and overcome while taking relentless, barrage of cruel attacks designed to manipulate, instill doubt and insecurity, and question our own sanity and all that we know and feel to be true.  F*** ISIS!  We are all living with terrorists and treating them well!  Some days I think I'd rather be be-headed than continue this unfulfilling life.  It's always about them!  Lately I am just so G** D**M sick of it!  What about us?  WE have needs that will never be met!  I'm 45 and I've been married to this woman 20 yrs and, as I get older, I'm not sure I'll have the energy to keep this up.  Something has got to give.  At this point I am going to start a new career juggling hand grenades with the pin pulled.

Gees, sorry.  Didn't mean to hi-jack your thread with my rant.  But your post stirred up some emotion my friend.  I agree tho.  I would limit contact at work.  I have found that if I chat via phone/text about something unsettled during work hours that it does not get resolved during any of that contact and can prolong the dysregulation.  I pray for all of my fellow men and women living this life of the BPD spouse and for all those with BPD.  It is just so sad.  Recently I have began to make over our spare room.  I'm painting, added a computer desk and printer, and am looking for a plush queen sized bed now.  Told the wife it is for when her parents come up and such.  But truth be told, it's for me.  Sad but true.  Good luck gents!
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flourdust
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« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2016, 02:42:30 PM »

For the past year or so, being kicked out of the bedroom was a frequent occurrence. It often came with a catch-22 ... .I'd get chastised in the morning for not coming back to check on her. Really. I managed to screw up getting kicked out. Only with a BPD... .

As the situation degraded, I would sometimes kick myself out of the bedroom, which offended her greatly. And I remember one time I decided that it was my bed, and if she didn't want to be with me, she could kick herself out. That was the night she poured a glass of water on me.

The result was that I built up anxiety around bedtime. I was afraid to go to my own bedroom. I would stay up extra late, in the hope she would be asleep when I came in. I'd stand in the doorway of the guest room and tell myself that this was my safe space, and I could go here if I needed to. Then I would slink into my bedroom, trying to be as quiet and invisible as possible.

Around the end of November, we had an epic incident involving a police call for a domestic disturbance. Ever since then, I've slept in the guest bedroom. It's my choice.

It may be creating extra tension in my relationship -- I'm sure it feeds my wife's abandonment fears. But I no longer have anxiety about sleep. I keep my little room tidy, and it feels like my sanctuary. Oddly, I'm not feeling any desire to move back into that bedroom with her.
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2016, 03:39:32 PM »

I'm sorry Flourdust.  That is terrible.  I have a feeling I'm not far behind you.  I too would enjoy my private space and would keep it tidy.  One of the things that kills me is how friggin' sloppy my uBPDw is.  I hate mess and clutter.  Our room is quickly becomes an obstacle course if I stop picking up her mess.  One thing that I am worried about is that I will be like yourself and enjoy the peace of my own room and not want to return.  I too stay up late and then slip into bed unnoticed if possible.  I often do not try to initiate sex either as the constant rejection and said reasons take to me to dark places so I try to ignore the need/want for intimacy.

I lift weights like a mad man tho to cope.  Never really aspired to do anything other than cope.  But the side effect of my coping has made me a rather larger guy.  I'm 5'11" weigh 245 lbs and am 9% body fat.  I get attention from women everywhere I go but this just saddens me.  I don't want the approval of any other woman.  I want my wife to want me.  So when I try to initiate intimacy it often starts as rejection, progresses to a full on rage.  She'll often yell at me.  "It's clear to me that you don't want me.  Why don't you just pack your things and go get you a 24 yr old petite bimbo?  I know that's what you want!"  It's hard not to get sucked into defending when she makes such accusations.  All I do is try to cater to her needs and feelings.  I often give her 2 hour long full body massage to relax her but almost never creates intimacy leading to sex.  It creates resentment for me.  I resent her rejection and I often feel used and not cared for as I strive to meet her needs but my needs cease to exist in her world.  it drives me mad.

Good luck FD!
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globalnomad
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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2016, 03:54:49 PM »

It's sad to hear so many of us have the same issues. I have also started pre-emptively kicking myself out of my own bedroom if my BPD fiance starts to dysregulate. This enrages her too, but it still prevents things from spiraling totally out of control.

One major source of dysregulation for her is my perceived clumsiness. My fiance tends to spread out, taking up two thirds of the bed. This means that if I get up to go to the bathroom and then get back into bed or I happen to roll over in my sleep, I sometimes end up bumping into an arm or a leg. This often prompts an exaggerated scream of pain, even if it's a totally harmless bump. And then the "I don't feel safe sleeping with you" routine.

My current policy is that I will apologize once and validate after such incidents, but the moment the "always" statements and complaints about my clumsiness or other character flaws come into it, I move into the other room. At the end of the day we have to protect ourselves.
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2016, 04:10:31 PM »

Hey Global,

I'm in that boat too brother.  I wear a c-pap so I can't move far from the night stand.  We have an oversized king bed.  But somehow I get the same BS you do.  I usually only have enough bed space to lie flat on my back with one shoulder close to or touching the night stand and the rest of the bed is hers.  Sometimes she's an active sleeper.  I dunno what she does but she can destroy a freshly made bed.  When I roll to my side I somehow have pulled her hair or something and I have violated her person.  Exaggerated, unnecessary high pitched yells of agony.  You would think I clocked her one with a baseball bat the way she acts.  Then she'll try to play victim.  She exaggerates by moving as far as she can away from me.  She mentions a couple times how much I hurt her, that I'm big, and since I'm so big it hurts her even worse.  But I do the same.  I apologize.  I am truly sorry tho.  Even if I hurt her the slightest, I would never enjoy it, nor would I do this intentionally so I truly am sorry.  But we would never even touch if she didn't take up 70% of the bed.  Go figure... .Whatever...
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Icthelight
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« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2016, 04:12:08 PM »

Thanks for the suggestions guys. Writing it out and getting feedback is really helping me cope with her much better than I ever have. Thanks again.

I read your responses just a tad late because I ended up calling her. I agree, I normally no longer argue via text or at work but I feel like a damn warrior today, so I went for it. I prepared mentally and told myself, pretend it's an irate client. Well, I realized that comparing my wife with an irate client is an insult to the irate client. Wow, so much anger and rage still coming out of her, I thought she would be calmer. And yes, when her time was up, she was upset again that I had to go.

I have to admit, I JADED a bit and at times spoke too much. It's just that when she picks up that I'm not engaging, she will ask the same question many different ways to elicit a response from me. When that doesn't work, she twists things to match her reality. When I don't challenge her or tell her that that's not my recollection, she takes the issue and runs with it. Man, she can really distort the facts, and staying silent is REALLY difficult.

We are all living with terrorists and treating them well!  

 

EW, I don't feel that you hijacked my thread, your post was very helpful. This statement made me laugh, I feel your pain and frustration. I am in my late 40s and have been married for 23 years, so I completely get how you feel.

Flourdust, I didn't realize you were still sleeping in the guest bedroom. I don't see you post as much, so I assumed that you had it all figured out and must have gone on a romantic cruise or something. Hang in there bud.

Globalnomad, you're also a fellow warrior. I've read your story and you too have your hands full. Thanks for your insights.

All of your comments are helpful and appreciated.

Let's see how it goes tonight.
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Icthelight
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« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2016, 04:19:13 PM »

I'm sorry Flourdust.  That is terrible.  I have a feeling I'm not far behind you.  I too would enjoy my private space and would keep it tidy.  One of the things that kills me is how friggin' sloppy my uBPDw is.  I hate mess and clutter.  Our room is quickly becomes an obstacle course if I stop picking up her mess.  One thing that I am worried about is that I will be like yourself and enjoy the peace of my own room and not want to return.  I too stay up late and then slip into bed unnoticed if possible.  I often do not try to initiate sex either as the constant rejection and said reasons take to me to dark places so I try to ignore the need/want for intimacy.

I lift weights like a mad man tho to cope.  Never really aspired to do anything other than cope.  But the side effect of my coping has made me a rather larger guy.  I'm 5'11" weigh 245 lbs and am 9% body fat.  I get attention from women everywhere I go but this just saddens me.  I don't want the approval of any other woman.  I want my wife to want me.  So when I try to initiate intimacy it often starts as rejection, progresses to a full on rage.  She'll often yell at me.  "It's clear to me that you don't want me.  Why don't you just pack your things and go get you a 24 yr old petite bimbo?  I know that's what you want!"  It's hard not to get sucked into defending when she makes such accusations.  All I do is try to cater to her needs and feelings.  I often give her 2 hour long full body massage to relax her but almost never creates intimacy leading to sex.  It creates resentment for me.  I resent her rejection and I often feel used and not cared for as I strive to meet her needs but my needs cease to exist in her world.  it drives me mad.

Good luck FD!

This sounds like the only other post I posted on here. I feel exactly the same way. NotWendy gave me some really good advice, you may want to read that thread. I have lots of anger and resentment for all of the rejection I have received. Yet, she says that I'm the one who has sabotaged our marriage and sex life.

Regarding the looks, my wife has told me that what she finds attractive is the emotional connection not how someone looks. She said that if Brad Pitt treated her like Dog poop and Quasimoto chased her, wanted her and emotionally connected with her, she would pick Quasimoto in a heart beat, no questions asked. Now, meeting and fulfilling those emotional needs is the million dollar question.
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2016, 04:34:21 PM »



Regarding the looks, my wife has told me that what she finds attractive is the emotional connection not how someone looks. She said that if Brad Pitt treated her like Dog poop and Quasimoto chased her, wanted her and emotionally connected with her, she would pick Quasimoto in a heart beat, no questions asked. Now, meeting and fulfilling those emotional needs is the million dollar question.[/quote]
ICtheLight,

Thanks, but I feel this is a conditioned response brought on by understanding the norm of society as my wife has too said such things.  I understand this fully.  By normal standards this holds true but our lives and partners are light years away from anything that remotely resembles normal. (or atleast mine is)

I do all I can to be attractive, supportive, in every way to her. (not in an obnoxious or smothering way) All she does is work a job.  I do everything else with our house, kids, necessities, etc and I work full time.  I buy her flowers (dozen roses) at least once per week.  Usually saturday mornings.  I buy her chocolates.  I send her sweet texts, love quotes, buy her cards.  I tell her she is beautiful, smart, caring, and a wonderful wife.  Even tho at times I feel a small amount of vomit creep into my mouth as I try to convince her always doubtful, damning perspective of me that she is my world.  By normal standards I think I'm doing ok.  I'm a good listener, I offer myself everyday I can.  My wife is a taker.  Take, take, take until I'm unable to give anymore.  I'm exhausted.
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Icthelight
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« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2016, 04:49:13 PM »

EW, I figured you probably heard something similar. We have a lot in common, our wives must be related. Keep posting here, I think it will help you personally. I know it has me. Glad you're here to share and to support.
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2016, 04:53:30 PM »

Icthelight

This is the first time I have really spent much time on here in the posts and actually posting.  I usually come on here and read a bunch.  I'll read what everyone is experiencing and for a moment I feel a little better but it has mostly built resentment in the resent past.  I do feel a bit validated, a touch stronger, and my mood has improved by participating.  I value all our the insight and experience everyone so openly shares here.

Sometimes, Like yourself, I feel like a warrior too.  I take my wife's rants head on thinking "I'm setting some boundaries tonight, I'm not going to play her game" only to moments later realize my big stupid A** is getting kicked again by a skinny, little, sweet looking blonde with a far superior game than mine.  And it's happening again.  She can dismantle my confidence and patience more swiftly than anyone I have ever encountered.  They use the intimacy of our bond and our feelings against us so that we are the puppet on the string and they are in control.  I think much more clearly when I am milling this stuff around in my head after the fact and posting with you folks.  But when I get in the heat of it sometimes things happen before I can really truly recognize what it is that is taking place.

Good luck tonight buddy... .God Speed!
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Icthelight
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« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2016, 05:26:34 PM »

Icthelight

Sometimes, Like yourself, I feel like a warrior too.  I take my wife's rants head on thinking "I'm setting some boundaries tonight, I'm not going to play her game" only to moments later realize my big stupid A** is getting kicked again by a skinny, little, sweet looking blonde with a far superior game than mine.  And it's happening again.  She can dismantle my confidence and patience more swiftly than anyone I have ever encountered.  

hahahahahahahaha Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Yes, Yes, Yes. I'm laughing with you, not at you. Add to that how much I start to stutter and sound like a moron trying to keep up and communicate with her. When I look back at an encounter, I think, boy, no wonder she doesn't respect me, I'm a complete fool to her. She's one of the few people that makes me feel that way.

Good luck tonight buddy... .God Speed!

Thank you, to you too. After a while, some of her antics are kind of funny to me. What I read on here and some of the responses (flipping off pwBPD through clothes) make me laugh when I recall them, many times when I'm having a conversation with her. Hope you too can begin to find some humor and lightness in your marriage.

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flourdust
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« Reply #15 on: January 20, 2016, 07:47:10 PM »

Good luck FD!

Same to you. I know what it's like. I wish I had answers.
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flourdust
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« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2016, 07:53:39 PM »

Flourdust, I didn't realize you were still sleeping in the guest bedroom. I don't see you post as much, so I assumed that you had it all figured out and must have gone on a romantic cruise or something. Hang in there bud.

Ha! That made me laugh. A romantic cruise... .

I think our last romantic moment was ... .hmm... .our wedding anniversary, three months ago. I made a reservation at a nice place, hoping to survive the dinner. It was just going through the motions. The day before, she'd had an epic dysregulation, so I had no expectations to make it past the water and bread service. Oddly enough, she was in a very good mood and was good company. A weird little island of bliss in the sea of nightmares.

I don't post all that much, but I read a lot, and I've started posting on the legal advice board. Things are heading in that direction. So much of what I could post feels futile to me. Does anyone need another dozen stories about BPD conflict? Will 50 more tips on validation make a difference?

My daughter lost two teeth today. She told me that she doesn't want money from the tooth fairy. She wants to ask the tooth fairy to make mommy and daddy stop fighting.

:'(

This is so hard.
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #17 on: January 21, 2016, 08:42:45 AM »

Hey FD,

Sorry to hear you're enduring such a difficult time.  But you are here.  You are not powerless.  Wore the "F" out? Absolutley!  Hearing other caretaker stories and multiple examples of how we could validate or communicate sometimes doesn't seem to help but I feel it does.  Because even when I feel it is not helping to be here, I'll find myself in a "situation" only to recall something here I read that helps in the form of perception of or coping with the chaos.  You are not alone.  I feel for you and I know it sucks.

It breaks my heart when I am sitting at the dinner table (I too do all the cooking) following dinner visiting with my 16 and 19 yr old daughters when their mom walks in and their safe place evaporates in front of their very eyes.  We have their brand of music playing.  We are laughing, joking, sharing experiences, and enjoying family time around the table.  The mood of the house is kind and jovial, then in walks my wife from work.  In a matter of seconds she can have them giving me a sad look, they turn off their music then retreat to their rooms or just leave the house.  My wife often accuses me of turning them against her.  Wife asks "What was that all about?  Why do they leave when I walk in?". She takes no ownership in the harsh things that fly out of her mouth nor will she own the scowling looks she gives.  My wife can cut your soul with a look.  My daughters rarely have their friends over if they are sure mom will be home because she is unpredictable and makes people uncomfortable.  I just do my best to help them understand that despite how they feel their mother actually loves them very deeply.  I explain how their mom struggles with emotions.  I have attempted to read thru some BPD info and share more insight relating to BPD and how mom struggles with emotions with my oldest but she doesn't seem to want to accept this so I have not mentioned it since.  I have a very open and close relationship with my daughters.  They are often my lifeline, and a great distraction from the chaos.  They give me strength to carry on, to try another day, to try another way even if only to make things a little better.(or at least make things as good as they can be considering)  I often worry how things will be when they are gone.  I worry.  I worry they will choose someone like their mother and commit themselves to the same hell I have.  I want better for them.  We talk a lot.  I treat my daughters really well.  I buy them flowers every week.  We have many conversations on what they should expect or tolerate from their romantic relationships.  I reinforce their feeling of self and to trust that no matter what.  I love them with all I have to give!

You and I have read enough to know these patterns are learned.  Often people with BPD grew up in households where there was an affected person.(usually a parent)  You are a powerful force in their life.  They are extremely lucky to have such a dad.  You reach out.  You study.  You try and make things as best as you can.  You deserve a pat on the back for that.  I commend you.  You're wife may be setting an example but you can be a more powerful example for them.  I admire your strength and humility.  You have a friend in me. (and the rest of us here as well)  We feel your pain.  You are doing a good job... .hang in there buddy
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Icthelight
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« Reply #18 on: January 21, 2016, 09:14:59 AM »

My daughter lost two teeth today. She told me that she doesn't want money from the tooth fairy. She wants to ask the tooth fairy to make mommy and daddy stop fighting.

:'(

This is so hard.

Ouch. Now this really blows. I have two daughters so I know how much this must sting you. Sorry to hear that this is heading towards a dissolution. Your posts have been really helpful to me and I'm sure many others here. I don't post that much, but I read a lot. I try to come here everyday. When things are calm at home, I have a tendency to relax and don't feel like I need to read or interact as much. However, I know that the more I learn, read and interact, the better I feel. So, here I am.
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Icthelight
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« Reply #19 on: January 21, 2016, 09:31:12 AM »

It breaks my heart when I am sitting at the dinner table (I too do all the cooking) following dinner visiting with my 16 and 19 yr old daughters when their mom walks in and their safe place evaporates in front of their very eyes. 

I have two daughters as well, 16 & 20. Similar dynamics as you describe for us. My W blames me for her issues with our daughters. She says that if I disciplined them the way she has suggested, we'd have two behaving little soldiers. Well, not exactly her words, but you get the gist. She says that they disrespect her because I don't enforce rules, boundaries and I go against her wishes letting them know that my W doesn't matter and they can do as they please. This is not exactly how things have played out.

My W had issues with my oldest and pretty much kicked her out when she turned 18. To this day, my W says that she didn't kick her out, that my daughter chose to leave. The rules and ultimatums that my W dished out to her were not something that my daughter was willing to accept or live by. I don't blame her for opting to leave. To this day, this is something that kills me inside and has created huge conflict between us. Fortunately, our daughter still comes around, sleeps over sometimes, and our relationship is still strong. But as her dad, boy, it still kills me. I get that they have to leave eventually, but not under those circumstances.

I decided to share my thoughts with D20 about uBPDw possibly having this illness. She said that she figured that "something was not right with mommy." She also said that my MIL also told my daughter that something was wrong with her. My SIL tells me I'm the one who is crazy for putting up with her all of these years. Both my MIL nor my SIL have a close relationship with my W. It really is sad that my W can't see how terrible all of her relationships are.
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EmotionalWarfare

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« Reply #20 on: January 21, 2016, 10:09:11 AM »

Yes, these situations with our wives and daughters are truly difficult to palate.  It often leaves me extremely bitter and highly irritated creating a mountain of resentment and frustration about the way things are.  I am but one man so I will change what is within my power to change and do my absolute best to accept the rest.

The background on my phone  is a serene picture of a woods.  It looks very peaceful.  There is a lot of trees and the sun rays are peaking thru the trees illuminating the underbrush.  It has a caption overlay the reads... .

"A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension" <--on top of page

"The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant." <--on bottom of page

He he he he he... .twisted humor helps me
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