Two Adults, Two Little Kids, One Bedroom

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My Ex called me today. She said that they are getting kicked out of her subsidized housing due to a 1 bedroom apartment. Her husband's income takes them to the line, just. We live in one of the highest cost of living areas in the U.S.

We have a 3-2-2-3 custody schedule, the 3s being the weekends. She said that when the kids were with them, they'd sleep in the room, husband on the couch (stress for marriage? Probably). They're moving from a 2 bedroom apartment. I know the complex they're moving to, as its across the street where she and I used to live before S5 was born. Better neighborhood than where she lives now.

She told me the arrangements, and said, "you know my priority is the best interests of the children." I didn't reply to that. With a 3 and 6 year old, this sounds weird. I wanted to say, "couldnt you move to a less expensive, perhaps not as nice a complex?" she and i moved into nowhere near as nice a complex when S5 was born,.before I bought the house, which took 8 months due to us living in a high cost area and reoeatedly getting out bid. Not out of the distribution for young couples; you do what you have to do.

She gave me a break on CS so I could contribute $200/mo towards their college savings plans, which the courts don't care about, then another $100/mo break below guideline support (a combination of her pride and guilt). I'm making a slightly higher salary than when we disclosed financials and the order went into effect (I think my boss gave me a higher raise in part because he was trying to help me and was disgusted by what my Ex did).

The danger of below guideline is that she could put in for more support without citing change of circumstances. I have 13-14 more years to deal with this... .

I don't think S5 will have much of a problem. D3, maybe. I'll validate the kids by thinking of it as a new adventure.

Her comment was that they would do this until [H] "starts making more money." I didn't comment, but this is what happens when you choose to leave an established man for some random young buck you met when you were out clubbing when you should have been home being a mother to your babies. He's 18 years younger than I am 

[Turkish]

My Ex called me today. She said that they are getting kicked out of her subsidized housing due to a 1 bedroom apartment. Her husband's income takes them to the line, just. We live in one of the highest cost of living areas in the U.S.

We have a 3-2-2-3 custody schedule, the 3s being the weekends. She said that when the kids were with them, they'd sleep in the room, husband on the couch (stress for marriage? Probably). They're moving from a 2 bedroom apartment. I know the complex they're moving to, as its across the street where she and I used to live before S5 was born. Better neighborhood than where she lives now.

She told me the arrangements, and said, "you know my priority is the best interests of the children." I didn't reply to that. With a 3 and 6 year old, this sounds weird. I wanted to say, "couldnt you move to a less expensive, perhaps not as nice a complex?" she and i moved into nowhere near as nice a complex when S5 was born,.before I bought the house, which took 8 months due to us living in a high cost area and reoeatedly getting out bid. Not out of the distribution for young couples; you do what you have to do.

She gave me a break on CS so I could contribute $200/mo towards their college savings plans, which the courts don't care about, then another $100/mo break below guideline support (a combination of her pride and guilt). I'm making a slightly higher salary than when we disclosed financials and the order went into effect (I think my boss gave me a higher raise in part because he was trying to help me and was disgusted by what my Ex did).

The danger of below guideline is that she could put in for more support without citing change of circumstances. I have 13-14 more years to deal with this... .

I don't think S5 will have much of a problem. D3, maybe. I'll validate the kids by thinking of it as a new adventure.

Her comment was that they would do this until [H] "starts making more money." I didn't comment, but this is what happens when you choose to leave an established man for some random young buck you met when you were out clubbing when you should have been home being a mother to your babies. He's 18 years younger than I am 

[SES]

I'm sorry, it sounds awful.  Mine had an affair and left me for a man ten years younger, no permanent job, no home, no car, uses drugs... .she met him online. I share your pain. It sounds like your boss has been really decent, which is a good thing. I find it stressful thinking about the many years ahead of problems with my ex. I hope you are ok.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry, it sounds awful.  Mine had an affair and left me for a man ten years younger, no permanent job, no home, no car, uses drugs... .she met him online. I share your pain. It sounds like your boss has been really decent, which is a good thing. I find it stressful thinking about the many years ahead of problems with my ex. I hope you are ok.

Ugh, that's worse. Depending upon how things progress, it gets better after a while, the radical acceptance of "this is our reality" now.

My biggest worry is how it will affect the kids. A few months ago, S5 was telling me, "Mommy said we were going to get a house with stairs, and a big yard!"

As the child of a mother with BPD who made all sorts of promises and never kept them, a kid gets jaded after a while. We'll see how this goes.

[GaGrl]

Might you suggest that a short-term solution might be a sleeper sofa?

[Turkish]

I'm thinking, "do I want to get involved," or should I? I.looked up the place, and it's probably $1900/mo. It's not high rise condo quality, but close. She and I lived in nowhere near as nice a complex when she was pregnant with S5, until he was over 6 months old. It was fine.

Any thoughts on a better sleeping arrangement? Kids on a hidebed, perhaps?

[GaGrl]

Might you suggest that a short-term solution might be a sleeper sofa?

We must have cross-pos t ed. Yes, hide-bed/sleeper sofa. Let's the adults have privacy and kids sleep separately for the time being. It's not ideal but can be managed.

[bravhart1]

ITS A DRAG THAT THIS HAS TO COME UP NOW. IT SEEMED LIKE MAYBE LIFE FOR YOU SEEMED TO BE SETTLING DOWN. (SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS, I CAN'T FIND MY GLASSES, LOL)

HOPEFULLY BPDM WILL COME UP WITH A BETTER SOLUTION ON HER OWN. WHILE WE HAVE OUR OWN BOUNDARIES, WE HAVE TO SHOW THEM AS WELL HOW WE KNOW OUR PLACE TOO.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU FEAR HER ASKING FOR MORE MONEY. WE ARE ALWAYS WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP THERE TOO. ALL WE CAN DO IS KEEP TRUCKING ON AND IF IT HAPPENS, TRY TO FIND A WORKABLE SOLUTION.

ONE THING WE DID LAST TIME WAS WHEN BPDM GOT BEHIND IN HER MONEY OWED TO US AND THERAPISTS, WE SAID WE WOULD PAY THERAPIST, AND FREEZE HER MONEY OWED TO US (LIKE FOR HER HALF OF DAYCARE/MEDICAL) WITHOUT INTEREST. IF THE TIME COMES THAT SHE EVER ASKS FOR MONEY THAT MONEY OWED AND ALL THE BACK INTEREST WOULD BECOME PRESENT DAY OWED TO US. THE SUPPORT IS SET TO ZERO, BUT IF SHE TRIES TO COME FOR CS WE CAN REINSTITUTE ALL BACK SUPPORT AND BILLS DUE TO US.

MAYBE SOME VERSION OF THIS COULD WORK FOR YOU? I THINK IN A ROUND ABOUT WAY IM SAYING MAYBE GO ON THE OFFENSE. TELL HER YOU WERE HOPING SHE WAS GETTING INTO A BETTER FINANCIAL POSITION AS YOU WERE ABOUT TO ASK HER TO CONTRIBUTE TO COLLEGE FUND OR SAVINGS FOR BRACES ETC, SOMETHING THAT SHE MIGHT WANT THE BOYS TO HAVE. COULD GET HER TRYING TO MOVE OFF LOOKING TO YOU TO SUBSIDIZE.

[Turkish]

Son's birthday party today, at one of those places which is too hot, too crowded, and has lousy food. The adults don't like it, but the kids love it.

As we were gathering stuff to leave, SD was kind of buried in his phone. My Ex tried to get his attention, then made a rude gesture referring to him and twirled her hand about her head, implying that he was a clueless idiot. I had previously observed him being helpful. I looked at her and she caught my look. I just raised my eyebrows and she looked away because she knew I'd caught her. It was stuff like that which was the relationship death by a thousand tiny, but constant devaluations.

We had walked 4 blocks since there was no parking. Shortly, she and the kids arrived at the house where the real party was, no SD. I didn't ask. A while later, he walked around the corner. I asked if there wasn't room in the car. He said that he felt like walking. No matter how he came into the r/s, I actually feel a bit sorry for him. I'm reminded of Spock's comment in Amok Time to the Vulcan who manipulated things to get Spock's bethrothed, "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting."

I had a chance to talk to her later about the sleeping arrangement. She was equivocating a bit, and I said what I'd do, that the adult space of a married couple should be theirs, and the kids wouldn't care if they were in a room. It was just a place to sleep. She confirmed that they felt that way.

Then she confessed the real reason: that it was a second story apartmemt, but that the living room was by the entrance, and she felt the kids were safer in the room. As if someone could break in and attack them. So it's her anxiety and fear. I didn't say anything after that. JADEing would be to point out that it's a very nice gated complex in a much better neighborhood than their current complex, and also better than where my house is.

When we put S6 (then S2) into his bedroom in a real bed, she balked at me putting the bed under the window because if someone broke in, they would climb onto the bed first. The room looked better with the bed under the window, but I didn't want to argue. After she moved out, I moved the bed. He only argued for a day until he decided he liked it, and it's been this way for almost two years. The Hermit's dominant emotional state is fear as Lawson says.

S6 got hit by someone in the jumper. He lay on the floor with his face in his hands. His mom was frustrated that he wouldn't come out. I climbed in to get him, and he lay on my lap for almost half an hour like that. He wouldn't enunciate exactly why he was "hiding" (shame?). She got frustrated and said, "you need to toughen up!" No one should wonder why he usually comes to me for comfort instead of her. He does tend to shut down like that sometimes if the "script" goes awry. He's not as emotionally resilient as his little sister is, which is why I've long thought that he is the more at risk child.

After a while, I finally stood him up and said it was time to gather for happy birthday. He did the hands over his face a little, but after the mass validation, he was right as rain.