What "Love Language" are you?

[Cat Familiar]

I took the online test today, and as I suspected, I'm an Acts of Service. I got the highest points possible on this one and the other Love Languages were about equally divided. I asked my husband to take the test this morning, but he was "too busy" with emailing and whatever else he was doing. I found that I was miffed and hurt and realized how little my husband does to support my Love Language. In fact, when he does things, it often surprises me, because usually all he wants to do are things that he enjoys. Little things like emptying the recycle bin would make me ecstatic. I've often posted on here about how remiss he is with household duties and that I'm the one who does both "men's work" and "women's work" and I've been very resentful about his lack of effort.

Knowing my love language, it makes perfect sense as to why I've felt unsupported. I'm curious about his--I think it's Words of Affirmation, but we'll see. Maybe, if he actually takes the test.

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I didn't take the quiz,  but I really don't even know anymore. So many people have been nice to me - because they want something that I don't think I would know the difference. Kinda sad, I think if I had to pick one it would be words of affirmation, but now, even doing the dishes would do it I think.

[Jessica84]

I am Physical Touch. I can do all the other things for myself - buy a gift, validate, spend time alone, work or do chores. But I can't hug myself! Wish he knew that all it would take for me at times is a simple hug. Unfortunately, that's the last thing he is capable of when he's in a "mood". I don't know what his love language is, but I doubt it's Physical Touch. That would be like petting a dragon!

[Chilibean13]

What a coincidence? My H and I took the Love Language test this weekend to update our language. I had a feeling mine had changed.

Without a doubt Words of Affirmation is my #1 Love Language. It sits high above the rest. Sadly, it is his words that hurt me the most. He knows how easily he can tear me down with just a few words. I hate that he knows he can toy with my feelings when it comes to a compliment. For instance, sometimes I may have just woken up or I'm in a crappy tattered tank top and he jokingly say "You're hair looks nice." (even though it's sticking up everywhere and I KNOW it). I love affirming words so much that it makes me smile a big goofy smile. Then he makes fun of me for it.

The next highest are a tie for 2nd. Service Actions and Physical Affection those two. Oddly enough, sex isn't that high on my list, but when he hugs me or cleans the litter box, it makes me happy.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband is a Quality Time, then almost as much a Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. No wonder neither of us felt we were getting our needs met! I was too busy doing Acts of Service and taking care of things, fixing things, making things, etc.

[formflier]

 

My wife and have have similar patterns in our love language scores.  We did the test years ago, before the natural disaster, before BPDish traits really came on the scene.

It made a huge, positive impact on our relationship.  It also helped me understand my wife's reactions to some of the things I did, story to follow in a bit.

The pattern my wife and I share is that we each have a really strong, clear #1.  Then there are 3 others than are in a pack together, and then we have one that is way down low (luckily this is same language for both)

So, I am acts of service and my wife is touch for our clear number 1.

The other three are about the same to us in the middle, but clearly separated from number 1.

Gift giving is a very low for both of us.

Story time:

We had gone on a mission trip to rebuild after a hurricane along the gulf coast (Katrina).  Trip was with our church group and we took several of our teenagers with us.  Good experience for all.  Towards the end of the trip we were taking a big group photo.  My wife was snuggled up close to me and because of size differences, I realized that she would not appear in the photo. 

As the pictures were being snapped I said something about making it better and used my hands to adjust her so she would be in the photo. 

What I was experiencing was doing an act of service for my wife so she could be in the picture and have good memories.

What she was experiencing was me using touch to push her away from me.  She was hurt by this, didn't understand it,   and it wasn't until months later when we took the love language test that    my lightbulb went off about how the disagreement/hurt came up.

I will try to randomly give my wife long big hugs.  Sit close to her so we are touching.  It's ok for me, but very impactful for her.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

My husband thought I had asked him to take the test in order to shame him because he wasn't doing as much stuff for me as he thought I thought he should. He realized right away that I'm an Acts of Service person. (It would mean so much if he emptied the recycle bin. I haven't done it and I'm seeing how many days it will take him. He volunteered that it was his task many years ago. I always empty the household trash and you'd think this little bin would catch his attention, but it's been several days and it's overflowing. It's not like he has to do a lot of things for me, but doing the thing he said he'd do would go a long way toward making me happy.) It's interesting how pwBPD jump to conclusions, like I suppose your wife did, FF. And when they don't check out their hypothesis, perhaps that's why we nons get blindsided sometimes.

[formflier]

 

I find that when I do things that match my love language, I feel good about it, regardless of what the other person does.

And, for me with gift giving as my way down low language, having a D18 (oldest daughter) with gift giving as a clear number one is interesting.

I would get her a trinket, come home from Navy trip, and say "hey, was thinking of you when I was in Key West (or some other place) and saw this.  Thought you would like it.

She would absolutely melt.  It was incredible.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I find that when I do things that match my love language, I feel good about it, regardless of what the other person does.

I love doing nice things for people. However, over time when I realize it goes unappreciated and unnoticed, I feel disinclined to continue, especially when my love language bank account remains constantly in arrears. Lately I've been doing nice things for people other than my husband. And it feels good to see them smile or tell me thanks.

Now that I realize that my husband and I speak very different love languages, I can understand the times he has criticized me for spending time doing nice things for him. (Talk about invalidating... .) He would prefer that I express my love in different ways rather than for example, replacing the catches on his closet doors that he frequently complains about. In my mind it was a three-for-one deal: 1. fixing something broken  2. not hearing any more complaints on the subject  3. doing something nice, that he wouldn't know how to do himself, to show him I love him.

[formflier]

 

Awareness of love languages has helped me do a "service" for people and then look for them to tell me "thanks" in a different way than I am looking for.

Another thing understanding my love language has done for me is help me understand when someone is "really pissed" at me.

So, when my wife avoids physical touch with me, she is trying to strongly communicate to me that she doesn't want much to do with me.  Luckily, since that is not my number 1 language, I don't find it terribly triggering.

FF

[Lifewriter16]

Here are my scores:

12   Physical Touch

8   Words of Affirmation

7   Quality Time

2   Acts of Service

1   Receiving Gifts

My ex-husband was an acts of service man. No wonder we got divorced. On the plus side, it means I'm an inexpensive date!

Love Lifewriter

[Cat Familiar]

Awareness of love languages has helped me do a "service" for people and then look for them to tell me "thanks" in a different way than I am looking for.

Another thing understanding my love language has done for me is help me understand when someone is "really pissed" at me.

So, when my wife avoids physical touch with me, she is trying to strongly communicate to me that she doesn't want much to do with me.  Luckily, since that is not my number 1 language, I don't find it terribly triggering.

FF

I see what you're saying, FF. To look for appreciation in their language, not mine. Perhaps I'll have an opportunity to do that in the near future. Currently he's not appreciating me in any of the languages, but I'm not taking that personally. He's got a lot on his plate with his recent high blood pressure diagnosis, his sudden caffeine withdrawal due to the effects upon his blood pressure, and the extreme reduction in his wine drinking due to the same reason. So I'm grateful that he's not dysregulating.

[Cat Familiar]

Here are my scores:

12   Physical Touch

8   Words of Affirmation

7   Quality Time

2   Acts of Service

1   Receiving Gifts

My ex-husband was an acts of service man. No wonder we got divorced. On the plus side, it means I'm an inexpensive date!

Love Lifewriter

I've learned more than I imagined taking the quiz. I suspected that I was Acts of Service and my husband knew for sure without me telling him my results. It now makes sense that I've been accused of being cold or withdrawn when I was just working my butt off trying to make someone happy. 

[HurtinNW]

I am:

9   Physical Touch

9   Words of Affirmation

5   Acts of Service

5   Quality Time

2   Receiving Gifts

No wonder the repeated abandonments and verbal abuse have been so hard on me. "Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten." Very true for me!

I am very physically affectionate and verbal with the kids, so this isn't a surprise for me. I would have thought quality time would have been higher on the list. On reflection I do better being alone that I had thought, I just need the quality time to be quality!

[Jessica84]

How would you go about asking your BPD partner to take the quiz? I'd be curious to know his Love Language. But talking about relationship stuff makes him cringe.

[formflier]

 

I would have it ready for him to take and then ask him in a nonchalant way.  If he has time to stew on it, probably not a good idea.

Maybe a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours thing, "  Have fun with it.

FF

[HurtinNW]

I got my BPD/NPD boyfriend to take the quiz! ("I did this silly thing, it would be fun if you did too," very low pressure).

His results were different than mine especially in the quality time. Of course I am smiling to myself that his idea of quality time involves me listening and validating him at every turn   But still this is helpful. We are both low on getting gifts, and both high on physical touch. So some common ground

His scores:

8    Quality Time

7    Physical Touch

6    Acts of Service

6    Words of Affirmation

3    Receiving Gifts

My scores:

9   Physical Touch

9   Words of Affirmation

5   Acts of Service

5   Quality Time

2   Receiving Gifts

[Cat Familiar]

Since my husband's #1 is Quality Time, and lately we haven't been on the same schedule, what I've been doing is trying to give him my full uninterrupted attention when we do share time together. Even though it hasn't been a lot of time, my complete focus on him seems to be helping our interaction be more easygoing and fun.

[Jessica84]

I'm still learning how to speak BPD... .hope learning a love language is easier!

[C.Stein]

8: Words of Affirmation

10: Quality time

0: Receiving Gifts

7: Acts of Service

5: Physical Touch

Don't really know what any of that means.  I value alone time as well which seems inconsistent with the above results.

[Cat Familiar]

8: Words of Affirmation

10: Quality time

0: Receiving Gifts

7: Acts of Service

5: Physical Touch

Don't really know what any of that means.  I value alone time as well which seems inconsistent with the above results.

I think Quality Time means that when you're with someone, they give you their full attention and feel very present, rather than just hanging out in the same room, paying attention to different things.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Apparently I want everything except receiving gifts, if this quiz is accurate. I don't really see how it could be because every question brought up within me was "assuming that I lived in a perfect world where my and my partner's actions/motivations were not wildly skewed by our BPD relationship."

And this brings up a 2nd question. Assuming my partner's love language means she desires A, should I go ahead and do that even if I have no feelings behind it? Will the act of love still count despite the disingenuousness? It feels like I'm a seal jumping through hoops to get my fish.

[Ceruleanblue]

Lol, to love language. Only I care about love languages. BPDh read the Five Love Languages book just prior to us meeting and starting dating. He raved about it. Well, after we were married, he couldn't care less. Oh, he cares about HIS love languages.

Mine are: Gifts(small tokens, notes... .), and Quality Time.

I go out of my way to meet his love languages, while mine get neglected, then throw in the whole BPD/NPD thing... .shaking my head.

[Cat Familiar]

Assuming my partner's love language means she desires A, should I go ahead and do that even if I have no feelings behind it? Will the act of love still count despite the disingenuousness? It feels like I'm a seal jumping through hoops to get my fish.

Love the image. Somehow I think it works even if we don't feel it. I'm going to try to spend a little quality time this afternoon with my husband, though I'd rather be doing chores. 

[Cat Familiar]

Lol, to love language. Only I care about love languages. BPDh read the Five Love Languages book just prior to us meeting and starting dating. He raved about it. Well, after we were married, he couldn't care less. Oh, he cares about HIS love languages.

Mine are: Gifts(small tokens, notes... .), and Quality Time.

I go out of my way to meet his love languages, while mine get neglected, then throw in the whole BPD/NPD thing... .shaking my head.

I'm shaking my head too. One of the only tasks my husband has ever volunteered to do is to empty the recycle bin. I've been waiting for well over a week for him to do it. It just involves carrying the 24 inch by 18 inch bin about 60 feet to the garbage area and separating out everything into bins there. Currently it's piled high with recyclables and now they've blown all over the patio and the rain has been pounding down, filling all the empty cans. It's one of those tasks that could take about three minutes tops. If he'd done it before the rain started, it would have been easy. Now it will be a lot messier.

I'll be damned if I'll do it. I just did it last week and he got his feelings hurt because he thought I was mad at him for not doing it.

So now he knows my language is Acts of Service. Well, at least today he emptied the dishwasher. That's a step in the right direction. It's hard to believe a grown man can be so lazy and self-absorbed, but that seems to be a common story here.

[Ceruleanblue]

Your Scores

12   Receiving Gifts

7   Words of Affirmation

5   Quality Time

3   Acts of Service

3   Physical Touch

Well, I thought my secondary was "Quality Time", but the test say it's "Words of Affirmation". Could be, but I'd always thought it was quality time because I really need time spent, and some communication to feel connected? I definitely knew the "gift" was tops though. I just don't know why it's so hard for him. It's like deliberate refusal. I'd kill to have a small, sweet note, or just one love letter.

He's really about his love language though: physical touch. I'm naturally a touchy feely person, but it's the sex part that becomes tricky after the verbal abuse, and MY love tank always being on empty. It's hard to keep giving to someone who doesn't reciprocate at all, but knows exactly what your love language is... .